parallel universe

I really like V!

I took him off my facebook cos he was seeing someone & B told me too cos she doesn't like him - but she doesn't like anyone!

Anyway now he's not seeing her & I don't know what to do!

I'm not a 'make it obvious person' or a 'first move' person - oh why am I kidding myself?

I can't afford one so I don't know why I'm bothering writing this - however - I am sick of waking up cold in this bloody massive bed - wish I had a smaller one but then is that really giving up on the idea that I'd share my bed with someone one day?

Oh the depression is back in full swing

I am so sick and tired of being so lonely - nothing I am doing is working

Fuck it - fuck it all - there really isn't any point to my life what so f'ing ever!

I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself tonight I got told today I have an 'outstanding knowledge' of effective ways to communicate with my old folks!

Trouble is I see it as a normal every day thing!

Also I was told I had an excellent understanding of OAP neglect and abuse - wish I didn't but I do

Pity my managers don't see me in the same way as my NVQ assessor

I got to thinking when I left "I'm doing this all by myself - no K to hold my hand - I'm actually achieving something for myself by myself" something I've not done in a very long time.

Way to go me haha!

I finally fell to sleep sometime after 5am! Up again at 7.30am - I am so tired!

Oh well it’s not as if I’ve got some sort of extraordinarily exciting life to be getting on with is it?

I’m down in the dumps today - I can’t stop crying - every time I think about my mum.

On top of that it’s the ’widows’ yearly holiday weekend. My Facebook has been full of it this morning - I know I left the group so I don’t even really know why it is upsetting me - I just know it is!

H and A are loads better thankfully and B texted me to say they are all loads better too.

Wish I was ok - wish I had something to do or somewhere to be …………………

What a day it has been!

Firstly B and the babies are poorly. B thinks she has swine flu although she has now had it 5 times since it first came to the UK! She is poorly but I don't seriously think she has it - I think she’s got a mega cold like I had the other week.

Tiny GD M has been sick all day and tiny GS A is just unwell with nothing you can point at - he’s just been very sleepy.

I had to look after 2 of them this morning as B had her post natal check up - why she didn’t mention feeling unwell to the doctor whilst she was there is a mystery!

Then my mum rings me and announces she could go blind throwing me into utter panic!

No sooner had my mum rung that H started to be sick - swiftly followed by Tidgy GD A - so half an hour ago I was on the phone to NHS direct - I knew deep down there was nothing anyone could do - but H asked me to ring so I did.

I spoke to a very nice sounding young man then to a nurse - they asked lots of interesting questions!!!! It made me smile because it was obvious with the kind of questions being asked that she was ruling out things like migraine and meningitis - towards the end of the conversation she asked if I was ok - I replied “knackered but still standing - just”

So now I’m fretful that Tidgy GD will be sick and no one will hear her - I can’t sleep cos H keeps flushing the loo and I am hoping that B and the Babies are ok - her partner is on nights tonight so I told her to ring me if she needs me.

Right I’m going to find something else to occupy my mind until the house settles down - good job I’m on holiday as I’ll be in no fit state for anything tomorrow!

My mum has been diagnosed with Macular Disease she has to go for laser treatment and injections a week on Monday.

I am so upset and worried about her - I've looked it up and the chances of her regaining the sight she has lost are minimal.

She was so sad when she told me tonight - she's know for a couple of days but my mum being my mum didn't want to worry me.

They've told her it will probably effect her other eye within months.

My mum makes cards - my mum reads every night - my mum has the most beautiful country garden you are ever likely to see - I can't imagin how she must be feeling right now - I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would all be ok - but it won't be will it?

She lives for her garden and the thought of her never seeing the beauty of what she has created again breaks my heart.

Her vision in her bad eye is really bad and came on very suddenly - my fingers are crossed she doesn't loose what sight she now has.

Oh I can't believe it - my mum - I know I don't talk about her much in my blog - but I do love her dearly - my poor mum

Oooo V (B's next door neighbour) asked her yesterday why I removed him from facebook!

Can't believe he noticed!

I am a tad pissed off this morning!

Over the past few weeks I have been promised my own round at work due to a girl going on maternity.

It’s a piss simple round - no washing shitty arses or pushing wheelchairs or emptying commodes - simple in and outs making breakfast dinner and tea.

I know that ‘management’ will change it the second I start it and I have been dreading it.

Last week I was telling one of my services users that I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing taking it on - she then went and told her full time carer (I only see this woman on a Friday) her full time carer then rang the girl that is going on maternity who then rang me - SCREAMING abuse at me - I was so shocked I didn’t really know how to react.

She went on and on about how much she had cared for these people blah blah blah - I didn’t dare tell her that half of them don’t even like her and call her all sorts behind her back.

Anyway there she was yelling and bawling at me that I was ‘Stupid’ for not wanting to do her round……..

What she really fails to see is they could offer me work on the moon in that fucking job and I’d still hate it.

I am only taking this fucking round on till I finish my NVQ and find another job. I want so much more out of my life than this - she might well be happy visiting the same people day in day out but I know me and I am going to be so bored doing the same thing every day.

I know her round inside out and backwards - I’ve done it so often as she has had the worst pregnancy ever known to fucking man - yeah right woteva - she has used having a baby as an excuse to skive off work for months now - she’s used this poor baby as an excuse for just about everything - she doesn’t want to do something then she fakes some sort of illness …………hence all her services users ridiculing her behind her back.

Oh what is the point of this ……………….it just made me realise I can not go on in this ‘job’ much longer …………I want out of there…………….I want someone to say “hey Katie I’ve heard of this really good job going”

Oh why can’t my life be what I want it to be?

Why didn't I hold his hand when he died?

Why did they rush me into a little room?

I'd been with him every step of the way for 24 years - I'd seen things no one should see - I held his hand time and time and time again - why not that night?

Why did he have to die alone - with strangers?