http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/9b/a7e63c9a0cc65001bca99745315d11_160x200.jpghttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/life-7423084/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-20:/2009/11/20/life-7423084/Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:57:36 +0100 <p>I can't help writing this</p> <p>I WANT A LIFE!</p> <p>I want more than I've got - SO MUCH MORE!</p> <p>I am DREADING tommorow at work - I HATE working weekends - I want to be home enjoying my life with my daughters and grandbabies - I want to sit up late at night - I used to be FREE - well after a fashion - K was ill but at least I could get up when I wanted - go to bed when I wanted - do what I wanted (his health providing) when I wanted.</p> <p>I WANT THAT BACK!</p> <p>I just want a LIFE that isn't taken up working 12 hours a day .......why aren't my prayers enough? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/life-7423084/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/life-7423084/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/oh-well-7415200/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-19:/2009/11/19/oh-well-7415200/Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:03:28 +0100 <p> I’m dealing with yet another abuse case at work and it breaks my heart.</p> <p>I can’t seem to leave it behind - I come home and worry - then I can’t sleep - I wish I could just switch off sometimes but then I wouldn’t be the person I am would I?</p> <p>I need an outlet for it but because of confidentiality I can’t write about it - my managers listen after a fashion but I never feel supported - they sort of send me in and expect me just to get on with sorting it out - but I feel like I need to talk & there is no one there.</p> <p>Oh well.</p> <p>I realised today that although I still hate my job - more than words can say - I actually not bad at what I do haha!</p> <p>Wonder if K would be proud of me? I’ve stuck it out against all odds and I’m certainly trusted to sort things out when they go wrong - often I get calls saying “can you do …..in the morning they’ve asked for you” That’s good isn’t it?</p> <p>I’d swap jobs in a millisecond if I could - why can’t I just like something that I’m not to bad at?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/oh-well-7415200/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/oh-well-7415200/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/17/silence-is-a-text-easy-to-misread-7403086/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-17:/2009/11/17/silence-is-a-text-easy-to-misread-7403086/Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:20:24 +0100 <p>I must be a really horrid person - I get ignored all the time.</p> <p>What is it with me?</p> <p>It makes me so sad - other people get loads of comments on here or on facebook but me ?</p> <p>No one ever mails me or texts me - except my mum and my sister - what kind of person must I really be? </p> <p>I just feel like a 'nothing' someone who is here but isn't ....it's getting me down - the only people I speak to during the day are my old folks and my girls - it makes me cry sometimes - wish I knew what I was doing so wrong to be so badly ignored <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/17/silence-is-a-text-easy-to-misread-7403086/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/17/silence-is-a-text-easy-to-misread-7403086/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/the-aftermath-7383719/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-16:/2009/11/16/the-aftermath-7383719/Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:09:42 +0100 <p>I went to lunch - it was very strange to be in the company of those ladies again & it was hard to know what to think about the whole Sean & J situation.</p> <p>I felt awkward as they discussed all the things they had been up to whilst I’ve not been there but do you know what I couldn’t have cared less!</p> <p>I phoned C when I got back and told her - I am just so glad that I am not a part of it anymore.</p> <p>I realised I missed J more than I thought and I am going to keep in better touch with her - but as for the rest of them - widowhood is NOT a strong enough reason for me to stay in touch with them.</p> <p>I said to C I think I have finally ‘moved on’ I’m no longer Katie the Widow - I’m just Katie whose husband died and I am trying hard to make the best of a horrid situation - I can’t live in the past - or associate with people just because we were widowed young!</p> <p>Oh I know I grump and groan whilst writing my blog but I do feel better - I do feel stronger - I am coping after a fashion - I get up early and come home from my grotty job just like everyone else - I don’t need a label anymore.</p> <p>Yes I miss K all the time - yes I still wish he was here - yes there are still times I wish he would walk through the door but I don’t feel the same pain as I did 3 years ago or even 1 year ago - yes sometimes I feel my life is pointless and wonder why I am still here and of course I would love lots of things to be different but I don’t need the widows in my life - that wouldn’t help one tiny bit.</p> <p>One thing I did learn yesterday was that they all use dating web sites and they have been with so many men over the past year - I was sat thinking as they were talking - yes I’d like someone in my life BUT it’s not that important to me it really isn’t - yeah I’ve caught myself ‘liking’ other men and flirting after a fashion but it’s just a bit of fun in my boring day to day life - its not something I need to keep me going.</p> <p>I’d be a lair if I said I never wanted another man in my life - but it really isn’t that bigger deal that I don’t.</p> <p>So all in all I am glad I went it helped me lay that chapter of my life to rest - onwards and upwards with the occasional downward spiral - but I don’t need others grief in my life as mean as that sounds!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/the-aftermath-7383719/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/the-aftermath-7383719/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/feeling-very-miffed-7375886/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/feeling-very-miffed-7375886/Sun, 15 Nov 2009 09:41:35 +0100 <p>I am going out to lunch today with my old friend J and a few other widows that I have long since lost touch with - not sure if it’s the right thing to do though.</p> <p>A couple of days ago J texted me asking if I’d meet up before Christmas - I said that I would - thinking that it would be weeks away and I could change my mind.</p> <p>I didn’t have an excuse when she said would this Suinday be ok and then she went on to say all these other people wanted to come - made me feel like it had already been arranged and I was just an after thought.</p> <p>Also it came out in conversation that they had all fallen out with Kath - she was the main reason I back away from the group - so I felt as though they were only asking me because they knew she wouldn’t be there.</p> <p>They had met up lots of times without me preferring to be in K’s company. They knew I wouldn’t go if she was there - now all of a sudden she’s not and I’m invited back.</p> <p>I told Sean about this and he wrote me this mail - I so want to copy and paste it on here but I better not - he went on and on about J - how she was the ‘hub’ of everything - the chief motivator - people would follow her for miles - blah fucking blah!</p> <p>He said they all realised what I had said about Kath was right all along …..</p> <p>However then he launched into this stinging attack on me saying that I had drained J of all her energy and that she moved away to save herself and her children - he said I had just taken and taken from her & she couldn’t cope with me??????????</p> <p>OK so I read this and re-read it many times - </p> <p>Chief motivator? I used to organise things for us all to do all the time before he came on the scene! We had some fantastic nights out and days here and there My mate C used to have us all round for Sunday dinner - the only thing J ever did was have a ‘couples’ evening which excluded me and hurt me.</p> <p>Zapping her energy? How dare he say that - J’s husband was murdered and I swear as god is my witness I was there for her as much as I could be - she’d cry on my shoulder - she’d run idea’s by me - she’d talk and talk and talk - how many times did I go up to her house late at night to sit with her - how many walks in the park did I take with her? </p> <p>I don’t burden people with my problems - I write in my blog. I’ve written a blog since a few weeks after K died preferring to write it all down so’s not to trouble anyone. Even before K died I never ever burdened anyone with my woes - often wish I’d known about blogging then!!!</p> <p>I’d go shopping with J - but do you know most of all I listened to her - I did - I know I did. </p> <p>He said she had to stop putting ‘effort’ into our friendship because I ‘needed’ her not ‘wanted’ her????</p> <p>What the fuck - it was me who stopped putting effort in when they chose to be in Kath’s company - I decided to back away - I even bet if I looked hard enough I could find blog entries saying so.</p> <p>He did say ‘these are my thoughts but please don’t repeat them’ but where did these thoughts come from? Did she tell him all these things? Maybe she did so she didn’t look bad? </p> <p>I haven’t a clue what the truth is and I don’t really want to go out to lunch now as all these things will be running round my mind.</p> <p>I want to confront J and ask her if she said these things and if so WHY?</p> <p>I gave my support to J freely - never asking for anything in return and Sean’s words have really hurt me - my mum and my girls are furious with him as for the last few days I’ve been sliding down the slippery slope of self doubt all over again!</p> <p>Did I burden J?</p> <p>I phone C and asked her if she had ever felt like that - as I opened up more to C than I ever did J - she said not to be so silly and even if I had shared my feelings with her that’s what the self help group was about - we were supposed to be there for each other and that’s what I thought I had been.</p> <p>So I’ve woken up feeling sick and worried - I want to cancel lunch but then I want to go just to see what is said.</p> <p>I feel pissed off enough that Kath is ousted and I’m returned without all these other things running through my head.</p> <p>This is a one off - I will hold me tongue - but I’ll never do it again - how can I when J had to move away to escape me? I thought she went because her husbands murdered was released from prison???????</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/feeling-very-miffed-7375886/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/feeling-very-miffed-7375886/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/windy-weather-7369784/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/2009/11/14/windy-weather-7369784/Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:32:22 +0100 <p>I love this weather - makes me want to be up on the moors in a really old haunted house <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0"> or by the sea watching the mighty waves crash to shore.</p> <p>This sort of weather makes me feel alive - I love the wind and the rain - I know it's heart breaking for those who are flooded and I am truly sorry that this should happen but I can't help myself I just want to sit up all night listening to the wind howling and watch the rain against my windows! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/windy-weather-7369784/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/windy-weather-7369784/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/10/tired-7347956/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-10:/2009/11/10/tired-7347956/Tue, 10 Nov 2009 23:22:45 +0100 <p>I am so so tired of living this half life.</p> <p>Nothing absloutely nothing is the way I dream it could/should be.</p> <p>I'm tired of dreaming - tired of trying - just so tired! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/10/tired-7347956/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/10/tired-7347956/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/09/ziltch-7335842/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-09:/2009/11/09/ziltch-7335842/Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:45:24 +0100 <p>Nothing feels exciting anymore <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/09/ziltch-7335842/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/09/ziltch-7335842/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/i-often-think-that-the-night-is-more-alive-and-more-richly-colored-than-the-day-vincent-van-gogh-7334103/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-08:/2009/11/08/i-often-think-that-the-night-is-more-alive-and-more-richly-colored-than-the-day-vincent-van-gogh-7334103/Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:52:17 +0100 <p><a href="http://www.earthcam.com/uk/england/london/?cam=leicester_wmv">http://www.earthcam.com/uk/england/london/?cam=leicester_wmv</a></p> <p>I want to be one of these people - I want to feel ALIVE! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/i-often-think-that-the-night-is-more-alive-and-more-richly-colored-than-the-day-vincent-van-gogh-7334103/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/i-often-think-that-the-night-is-more-alive-and-more-richly-colored-than-the-day-vincent-van-gogh-7334103/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/neanderthal-man-7333215/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-08:/2009/11/08/neanderthal-man-7333215/Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:24:01 +0100 <p>Sometimes I wonder about myself - I really bloody do.</p> <p>I visit an old lady - she is lovely and I’ve seen her on and off for over a year.</p> <p>I’ve visited her more often recently and just about every time I’ve been there so has her nephew.</p> <p>He’s very tall and actually very good looking - dark hair - dark eyes and he really has got a lovely smile - trouble is - oh how do I put this politically correctly - he’s a bit dim!</p> <p>So why the fuck am I flirting with him? Answer me that one?</p> <p>He’s flirting right back too. Telling me really stupid jokes that aren’t funny but I find myself laughing at them just to amuse him!</p> <p>I would shag him in an instant - there’s just something there - until he opens his mouth and then I think “Katie what the fuck are you doing?”</p> <p>I’ve got to stop this nonsense don’t I?</p> <p>Flirting with these men is just not me - or is it? Is it the emergence of a new me?</p> <p>K was so clever - he truly was - so what the hell is attracting me to neanderthal man & is it ok to flirt with more than one person at once? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/neanderthal-man-7333215/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/08/neanderthal-man-7333215/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/age-doesn-t-matter-7325638/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-07:/2009/11/07/age-doesn-t-matter-7325638/Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:31:13 +0100 <p>My 3 year old Grandson told me last night I was an 'old lady'!</p> <p>An 89 year old man this morning told me I was a 'beautiful buxom YOUNG woman' and was surprised that I didn't have a boyfriend.......!</p> <p>WTF? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/age-doesn-t-matter-7325638/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/07/age-doesn-t-matter-7325638/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/no-title-7317133/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-06:/2009/11/06/no-title-7317133/Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:00:32 +0100 <p>I feel so sick.</p> <p>I've felt like this every morning this week.</p> <p>I just DO NOT want to do my job another day longer.</p> <p>Oh god what do I do? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/no-title-7317133/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/no-title-7317133/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/04/oh-no-7307374/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-04:/2009/11/04/oh-no-7307374/Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:48:50 +0100 <p>I had a can of coke in my pocket and as I came upstairs it caught on the child gate and started to fizz out - trouble is my phone was in my pocket and now it won't work! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/04/oh-no-7307374/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/04/oh-no-7307374/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/04/photo-memories-7305767/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-04:/2009/11/04/photo-memories-7305767/Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:54:47 +0100 <p>A few weeks ago my sister in law asked my mum if she had any photos of my brother who will be 40 in December. </p> <p>As she was looking for photos of him she found one of me and K.</p> <p>She rang me up and asked if she could send it as she didn’t want to upset me by posting it out of the blue.</p> <p>I told her it was ok to send it - and she did - I received it this morning.</p> <p>To say it’s made me sad is an understatement. </p> <p>There we were together at my Grans house - we look so young - and I suppose we were - I could have only been 19 when that photo was taken.</p> <p>K looked so handsome - his unruly blonde hair - his beautiful blue eyes - his ripped designer jeans!</p> <p>I miss him so very much.</p> <p>I wouldn’t care but a really odd thing happened this morning before I received the photo - H went outside for a cig and when she came in she made me jump and for a fleeting second I thought “oh good that’s K back” I cried my eyes out when I told H - who had asked me what the matter was.</p> <p>I don’t know why I am so stupid as to think anyone but K would fancy me or love me - why do I put myself through the trauma of actually wishing men would ask me out - or want to be with me.</p> <p>I don’t know ….. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/04/photo-memories-7305767/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/04/photo-memories-7305767/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/03/another-sad-event-7302140/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-03:/2009/11/03/another-sad-event-7302140/Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:47:32 +0100 <p>B had to have their dog put to sleep today. </p> <p>It's made me really sad. </p> <p>She was an old dog and she couldn't hear or see or walk </p> <p>She was as much a part of the family as anyone - when Little J and M came to give me a hug she was never far behind.</p> <p>I looked after her when they went on holiday - I'm going to miss that old dog.</p> <p>RIP Tikka xxxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/03/another-sad-event-7302140/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/03/another-sad-event-7302140/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/fooling-myself-7293822/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-02:/2009/11/02/fooling-myself-7293822/Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:53:57 +0100 <p>I really like V!</p> <p>I took him off my facebook cos he was seeing someone & B told me too cos she doesn't like him - but she doesn't like anyone!</p> <p>Anyway now he's not seeing her & I don't know what to do!</p> <p>I'm not a 'make it obvious person' or a 'first move' person - oh why am I kidding myself? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/fooling-myself-7293822/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/fooling-myself-7293822/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/beds-7290721/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-02:/2009/11/02/beds-7290721/Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:52:46 +0100 <p>I can't afford one so I don't know why I'm bothering writing this - however - I am sick of waking up cold in this bloody massive bed - wish I had a smaller one but then is that really giving up on the idea that I'd share my bed with someone one day?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/beds-7290721/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/02/beds-7290721/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/01/enough-is-enough-7283500/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-11-01:/2009/11/01/enough-is-enough-7283500/Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:23:48 +0100 <p>Oh the depression is back in full swing</p> <p>I am so sick and tired of being so lonely - nothing I am doing is working</p> <p>Fuck it - fuck it all - there really isn't any point to my life what so f'ing ever! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/01/enough-is-enough-7283500/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/11/01/enough-is-enough-7283500/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/29/a-little-bit-pleased-with-myself-7269681/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-29:/2009/10/29/a-little-bit-pleased-with-myself-7269681/Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:55:35 +0100 <p>I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself tonight I got told today I have an 'outstanding knowledge' of effective ways to communicate with my old folks!</p> <p><img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Trouble is I see it as a normal every day thing!</p> <p>Also I was told I had an excellent understanding of OAP neglect and abuse - wish I didn't but I do <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Pity my managers don't see me in the same way as my NVQ assessor <img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I got to thinking when I left "I'm doing this all by myself - no K to hold my hand - I'm actually achieving something for myself by myself" something I've not done in a very long time.</p> <p>Way to go me haha! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/29/a-little-bit-pleased-with-myself-7269681/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/29/a-little-bit-pleased-with-myself-7269681/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/envy-is-the-art-of-counting-the-other-fellow-s-blessings-instead-of-your-own-7229905/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-23:/2009/10/23/envy-is-the-art-of-counting-the-other-fellow-s-blessings-instead-of-your-own-7229905/Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:55:20 +0200 <p>I finally fell to sleep sometime after 5am! Up again at 7.30am - I am so tired!</p> <p>Oh well it’s not as if I’ve got some sort of extraordinarily exciting life to be getting on with is it?</p> <p>I’m down in the dumps today - I can’t stop crying - every time I think about my mum.</p> <p>On top of that it’s the ’widows’ yearly holiday weekend. My Facebook has been full of it this morning - I know I left the group so I don’t even really know why it is upsetting me - I just know it is!</p> <p>H and A are loads better thankfully and B texted me to say they are all loads better too.</p> <p>Wish I was ok - wish I had something to do or somewhere to be …………………</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/envy-is-the-art-of-counting-the-other-fellow-s-blessings-instead-of-your-own-7229905/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/envy-is-the-art-of-counting-the-other-fellow-s-blessings-instead-of-your-own-7229905/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/nhs-direct-7226483/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-23:/2009/10/23/nhs-direct-7226483/Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:49:15 +0200 <p>What a day it has been!</p> <p>Firstly B and the babies are poorly. B thinks she has swine flu although she has now had it 5 times since it first came to the UK! She is poorly but I don't seriously think she has it - I think she’s got a mega cold like I had the other week.</p> <p>Tiny GD M has been sick all day and tiny GS A is just unwell with nothing you can point at - he’s just been very sleepy.</p> <p>I had to look after 2 of them this morning as B had her post natal check up - why she didn’t mention feeling unwell to the doctor whilst she was there is a mystery!</p> <p>Then my mum rings me and announces she could go blind throwing me into utter panic!</p> <p>No sooner had my mum rung that H started to be sick - swiftly followed by Tidgy GD A - so half an hour ago I was on the phone to NHS direct - I knew deep down there was nothing anyone could do - but H asked me to ring so I did.</p> <p>I spoke to a very nice sounding young man then to a nurse - they asked lots of interesting questions!!!! It made me smile because it was obvious with the kind of questions being asked that she was ruling out things like migraine and meningitis - towards the end of the conversation she asked if I was ok - I replied “knackered but still standing - just”</p> <p>So now I’m fretful that Tidgy GD will be sick and no one will hear her - I can’t sleep cos H keeps flushing the loo and I am hoping that B and the Babies are ok - her partner is on nights tonight so I told her to ring me if she needs me.</p> <p>Right I’m going to find something else to occupy my mind until the house settles down - good job I’m on holiday as I’ll be in no fit state for anything tomorrow!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/nhs-direct-7226483/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/nhs-direct-7226483/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/another-heartache-7226337/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-23:/2009/10/23/another-heartache-7226337/Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:31:13 +0200 <p>My mum has been diagnosed with Macular Disease she has to go for laser treatment and injections a week on Monday.</p> <p>I am so upset and worried about her - I've looked it up and the chances of her regaining the sight she has lost are minimal.</p> <p>She was so sad when she told me tonight - she's know for a couple of days but my mum being my mum didn't want to worry me.</p> <p>They've told her it will probably effect her other eye within months.</p> <p>My mum makes cards - my mum reads every night - my mum has the most beautiful country garden you are ever likely to see - I can't imagin how she must be feeling right now - I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would all be ok - but it won't be will it?</p> <p>She lives for her garden and the thought of her never seeing the beauty of what she has created again breaks my heart.</p> <p>Her vision in her bad eye is really bad and came on very suddenly - my fingers are crossed she doesn't loose what sight she now has.</p> <p>Oh I can't believe it - my mum - I know I don't talk about her much in my blog - but I do love her dearly - my poor mum <img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/another-heartache-7226337/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/23/another-heartache-7226337/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/the-little-things-7219696/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-21:/2009/10/21/the-little-things-7219696/Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:51:52 +0200 <p>Oooo V (B's next door neighbour) asked her yesterday why I removed him from facebook!</p> <p>Can't believe he noticed! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/the-little-things-7219696/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/the-little-things-7219696/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/to-cross-to-think-of-a-meaningful-title-7214500/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-21:/2009/10/21/to-cross-to-think-of-a-meaningful-title-7214500/Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:12:58 +0200 <p>I am a tad pissed off this morning!</p> <p>Over the past few weeks I have been promised my own round at work due to a girl going on maternity.</p> <p>It’s a piss simple round - no washing shitty arses or pushing wheelchairs or emptying commodes - simple in and outs making breakfast dinner and tea.</p> <p>I know that ‘management’ will change it the second I start it and I have been dreading it.</p> <p>Last week I was telling one of my services users that I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing taking it on - she then went and told her full time carer (I only see this woman on a Friday) her full time carer then rang the girl that is going on maternity who then rang me - SCREAMING abuse at me - I was so shocked I didn’t really know how to react.</p> <p>She went on and on about how much she had cared for these people blah blah blah - I didn’t dare tell her that half of them don’t even like her and call her all sorts behind her back.</p> <p>Anyway there she was yelling and bawling at me that I was ‘Stupid’ for not wanting to do her round……..</p> <p>What she really fails to see is they could offer me work on the moon in that fucking job and I’d still hate it.</p> <p>I am only taking this fucking round on till I finish my NVQ and find another job. I want so much more out of my life than this - she might well be happy visiting the same people day in day out but I know me and I am going to be so bored doing the same thing every day.</p> <p>I know her round inside out and backwards - I’ve done it so often as she has had the worst pregnancy ever known to fucking man - yeah right woteva - she has used having a baby as an excuse to skive off work for months now - she’s used this poor baby as an excuse for just about everything - she doesn’t want to do something then she fakes some sort of illness …………hence all her services users ridiculing her behind her back.</p> <p>Oh what is the point of this ……………….it just made me realise I can not go on in this ‘job’ much longer …………I want out of there…………….I want someone to say “hey Katie I’ve heard of this really good job going”</p> <p>Oh why can’t my life be what I want it to be?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/to-cross-to-think-of-a-meaningful-title-7214500/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/to-cross-to-think-of-a-meaningful-title-7214500/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/why-7212114/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-20:/2009/10/21/why-7212114/Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:59:50 +0200 <p>Why didn't I hold his hand when he died?</p> <p>Why did they rush me into a little room?</p> <p>I'd been with him every step of the way for 24 years - I'd seen things no one should see - I held his hand time and time and time again - why not that night?</p> <p>Why did he have to die alone - with strangers?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/why-7212114/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/21/why-7212114/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/18/the-memory-of-happiness-makes-misery-woeful-7197137/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-18:/2009/10/18/the-memory-of-happiness-makes-misery-woeful-7197137/Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:07:50 +0200 <p>I’ve been thinking about writing this all day.</p> <p>I have just been so tired with my job over the past few weeks I’ve not felt like writing - I’ve been working 7/6 with a 20 min break for 2 weeks now and it’s killing me.</p> <p>Still I am out of there for 10 days and I am so grateful that we get holidays - not that I can afford to go anywhere which is totally depressing me.</p> <p>Until yesterday I hadn’t left the confines of this small grotty town since April.</p> <p>I got a text from Heather a woman I know from work (she’s left now lucky cow) she asked if I wanted to go over to Skipton with her yesterday - I said ‘yes’ so off we went.</p> <p>I had a lovely morning but I’ve got to admit it was a strange morning.</p> <p>I’ve never been shopping with another woman since I was a teenager - it’s was always me and K or my girls or my mum - never in 30 years have I been shopping with anyone else.</p> <p>I got to thinking about K whilst I was out and realised that I’m living without him.</p> <p>Ok that sounds stupid of course I live without him but I mean ‘really’ living without him.</p> <p>I don’t know how to put it into words - there I was in the middle of Skipton - somewhere me and K liked to go as there is a canal there - and he wasn’t by my side - Heather was - a friend - I was doing something other than sitting at home on a Saturday with someone else - someone K had never met. </p> <p>I just felt sad in a way that I can’t explain very well.</p> <p>There I was with my own money - money I’d earned - shopping in a strange place with someone other than a family member and all I could think was “I’m doing it - I’m living a life without him”</p> <p>I don’t know it just all suddenly hit me.</p> <p>Heather kept telling me I looked tied and said “Will you please get out of that bloody job Katie - it’s doing you no good”</p> <p>I have tried you know - application after application - I am working on my CV with my careers counsellor - so who knows.</p> <p>Today I’ve just slept - well I did the supermarket shopping - had my dinner and slept the afternoon away - tonight I was thinking how different my life now is - the odd meal out with S or my neighbour - working hard - I’ve arranged to go shopping with Heather again - I’m off to camera club with Sally - but do you know what deep down inside I’m still as miserable as fuck! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/18/the-memory-of-happiness-makes-misery-woeful-7197137/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/18/the-memory-of-happiness-makes-misery-woeful-7197137/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/15/nothing-much-7173707/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-15:/2009/10/15/nothing-much-7173707/Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:05:51 +0200 <p>Why am I pretending to everyone including myself that I can stick this job till January?</p> <p>I am also so worried about H they think her overactive thyroid is now underactive. She is having loads of blood tests done - I feel so very sick with worry - I can't stand illness - I just want to run a million miles away right now! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/15/nothing-much-7173707/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/15/nothing-much-7173707/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/08/wishes-there-was-a-place-called-toyboys-r-us-7127506/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-08:/2009/10/08/wishes-there-was-a-place-called-toyboys-r-us-7127506/Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:35:49 +0200 <p>Not much happening in my world at the moment.</p> <p>I've been busy with my NXQ though after todays carry on at work I am not sure I can stick it out until January.</p> <p>They've managed in 2 short weeks to get me feeling like I want to run for the hills again.</p> <p>B is on holiday and I am missing them all.</p> <p>H is working.</p> <p>I am sat her bored out of my head.</p> <p>Ally one of C's friends (who I knew from my city and guilds days) texted me today asking if I want to go to camera club - I texted her straight back - of course I'd love to go with her - I'd love to start up my photography again - I miss using my camera - I'm wasting the only talent I've got so she is looking in to it and will get back in touch with me!</p> <p>Who knows...........</p> <p>Maybe there will be some bored rich lonely old fella............pity cos I am really looking for a toyboy hmmmmmmm </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/08/wishes-there-was-a-place-called-toyboys-r-us-7127506/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/08/wishes-there-was-a-place-called-toyboys-r-us-7127506/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/06/fun-7109142/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-06:/2009/10/06/fun-7109142/Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:28:03 +0200 <p>I went out last night with S to a Thai restaurant in Leeds.</p> <p>The food was amazing and the Jasmine tea was really nice (I wasn’t sure I’d like that never having tried it before)</p> <p> The company was good too - I do like S - he gave me a massive well needed hug - we get on well and it’s lovely to have him as a friend.</p> <p>We talked about allsorts of things - different things - things I don’t talk about with anyone else - the one thing we both have in common is lack of direction - he’s a sensible fella with a good job so to hear him say things I’d been thinking was in a strange way good.</p> <p>He said he doesn’t have much fun in his life either - so I’m not alone there either.</p> <p>When I got home I sat outside having a cig thinking - it’s hard to have fun on your own - it really, really is - and to be honest I don’t think it’s possible to have fun alone - is it?</p> <p>I looked up the definition of fun and came up with this:</p> <p>1. Something that provides mirth and amusement - a picnic would be fun<br> 2. Enjoyment or playfulness - she’s full of fun.</p> <p>Both these definitions indicate more than one person is involved in having ‘fun’ so how can I ever have fun again if I’m destined to be alone for ever - it’s a terrifying and very upsetting thought!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/06/fun-7109142/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/06/fun-7109142/#commentshttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/03/grief-teaches-the-steadiest-minds-to-waver-7093359/tag:parallel-universe.blog.co.uk,2009-10-03:/2009/10/03/grief-teaches-the-steadiest-minds-to-waver-7093359/Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:54:50 +0200 <p>I am feeling loads better at long last! I’ve never ever been so ill in all my life - I went back to work but I just couldn’t do it so had to take more time off - how I will now manage is beyond me but somehow I will.</p> <p>So …………</p> <p>So I’ve been doing some thinking and some reading - I’m not abnormal yippeeeee!</p> <p>I have been reading through the widows forum I used in the early days and it seems I am not alone with my feelings even though it’s been 3 ½ years - I read an interesting post where someone said she was still ‘waiting’ for him to come through the door and oh my god how I related to that.</p> <p>I know he’s dead - I also know he is buried - he has a grave - he has a headstone and he couldn’t have afforded to fake his own death - I’ve been through this a million times - too many people were involved with him after he died for him not to have really died - but deep in my head and heart I still ’wait’ for him.</p> <p>I long to sit and chat to him - hold his hand - push his wheelchair - make him a cup of tea - cut his hair - moan about his discarded socks on the bedroom floor - I just want to see him - touch him - say his name and he answers me - I want to look into his big blue eyes and see him smile at me.</p> <p>I know it won’t happen but I guess a part of me still wishes that the doctors and the police and the coroner made me bury an empty coffin and K is still out there somewhere getting better.</p> <p>It’s coming up to my 4th Christmas without him - I’ve managed 3 so I guess somehow or other I will manage the 4th - it will come and go as the others have - but it will never be the same - it doesn’t mean much anymore even though I’ve got 5 grandchildren the spirit of Christmas died along with K!</p> <p>Oh I don’t know ………………………..</p> <p>I don’t know how days come and go - I don’t know how I keep going - I don’t know what is right and wrong anymore.</p> <p>I read things that make me believe I’m not the only one to feel these things but then I think at some point surely the pain must ease and the desire of wanting him back must fade ………………..</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/03/grief-teaches-the-steadiest-minds-to-waver-7093359/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>griefhttp://parallel-universe.blog.co.uk/2009/10/03/grief-teaches-the-steadiest-minds-to-waver-7093359/#comments