parallel universe

Ziltch!

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:45:24 +0100

Nothing feels exciting anymore

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“I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.” Vincent van Gogh!

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:52:17 +0100

http://www.earthcam.com/uk/england/london/?cam=leicester_wmv

I want to be one of these people - I want to feel ALIVE!

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neanderthal man

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:24:01 +0100

Sometimes I wonder about myself - I really bloody do.

I visit an old lady - she is lovely and I’ve seen her on and off for over a year.

I’ve visited her more often recently and just about every time I’ve been there so has her nephew.

He’s very tall and actually very good looking - dark hair - dark eyes and he really has got a lovely smile - trouble is - oh how do I put this politically correctly - he’s a bit dim!

So why the fuck am I flirting with him? Answer me that one?

He’s flirting right back too. Telling me really stupid jokes that aren’t funny but I find myself laughing at them just to amuse him!

I would shag him in an instant - there’s just something there - until he opens his mouth and then I think “Katie what the fuck are you doing?”

I’ve got to stop this nonsense don’t I?

Flirting with these men is just not me - or is it? Is it the emergence of a new me?

K was so clever - he truly was - so what the hell is attracting me to neanderthal man & is it ok to flirt with more than one person at once?

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Age doesn't matter!

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:31:13 +0100

My 3 year old Grandson told me last night I was an 'old lady'!

An 89 year old man this morning told me I was a 'beautiful buxom YOUNG woman' and was surprised that I didn't have a boyfriend.......!

WTF?

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no title

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:00:32 +0100

I feel so sick.

I've felt like this every morning this week.

I just DO NOT want to do my job another day longer.

Oh god what do I do?

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oh no

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:48:50 +0100

I had a can of coke in my pocket and as I came upstairs it caught on the child gate and started to fizz out - trouble is my phone was in my pocket and now it won't work!

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photo memories!

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:54:47 +0100

A few weeks ago my sister in law asked my mum if she had any photos of my brother who will be 40 in December.

As she was looking for photos of him she found one of me and K.

She rang me up and asked if she could send it as she didn’t want to upset me by posting it out of the blue.

I told her it was ok to send it - and she did - I received it this morning.

To say it’s made me sad is an understatement.

There we were together at my Grans house - we look so young - and I suppose we were - I could have only been 19 when that photo was taken.

K looked so handsome - his unruly blonde hair - his beautiful blue eyes - his ripped designer jeans!

I miss him so very much.

I wouldn’t care but a really odd thing happened this morning before I received the photo - H went outside for a cig and when she came in she made me jump and for a fleeting second I thought “oh good that’s K back” I cried my eyes out when I told H - who had asked me what the matter was.

I don’t know why I am so stupid as to think anyone but K would fancy me or love me - why do I put myself through the trauma of actually wishing men would ask me out - or want to be with me.

I don’t know …..

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another sad event!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:47:32 +0100

B had to have their dog put to sleep today.

It's made me really sad.

She was an old dog and she couldn't hear or see or walk

She was as much a part of the family as anyone - when Little J and M came to give me a hug she was never far behind.

I looked after her when they went on holiday - I'm going to miss that old dog.

RIP Tikka xxxxx

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fooling myself?!

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:53:57 +0100

I really like V!

I took him off my facebook cos he was seeing someone & B told me too cos she doesn't like him - but she doesn't like anyone!

Anyway now he's not seeing her & I don't know what to do!

I'm not a 'make it obvious person' or a 'first move' person - oh why am I kidding myself?

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Beds

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:52:46 +0100

I can't afford one so I don't know why I'm bothering writing this - however - I am sick of waking up cold in this bloody massive bed - wish I had a smaller one but then is that really giving up on the idea that I'd share my bed with someone one day?

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enough is enough!

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 02:23:48 +0100

Oh the depression is back in full swing

I am so sick and tired of being so lonely - nothing I am doing is working

Fuck it - fuck it all - there really isn't any point to my life what so f'ing ever!

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A little bit pleased with myself!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:55:35 +0100

I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself tonight I got told today I have an 'outstanding knowledge' of effective ways to communicate with my old folks!

Trouble is I see it as a normal every day thing!

Also I was told I had an excellent understanding of OAP neglect and abuse - wish I didn't but I do

Pity my managers don't see me in the same way as my NVQ assessor

I got to thinking when I left "I'm doing this all by myself - no K to hold my hand - I'm actually achieving something for myself by myself" something I've not done in a very long time.

Way to go me haha!

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Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:55:20 +0200

I finally fell to sleep sometime after 5am! Up again at 7.30am - I am so tired!

Oh well it’s not as if I’ve got some sort of extraordinarily exciting life to be getting on with is it?

I’m down in the dumps today - I can’t stop crying - every time I think about my mum.

On top of that it’s the ’widows’ yearly holiday weekend. My Facebook has been full of it this morning - I know I left the group so I don’t even really know why it is upsetting me - I just know it is!

H and A are loads better thankfully and B texted me to say they are all loads better too.

Wish I was ok - wish I had something to do or somewhere to be …………………

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NHS Direct!

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:49:15 +0200

What a day it has been!

Firstly B and the babies are poorly. B thinks she has swine flu although she has now had it 5 times since it first came to the UK! She is poorly but I don't seriously think she has it - I think she’s got a mega cold like I had the other week.

Tiny GD M has been sick all day and tiny GS A is just unwell with nothing you can point at - he’s just been very sleepy.

I had to look after 2 of them this morning as B had her post natal check up - why she didn’t mention feeling unwell to the doctor whilst she was there is a mystery!

Then my mum rings me and announces she could go blind throwing me into utter panic!

No sooner had my mum rung that H started to be sick - swiftly followed by Tidgy GD A - so half an hour ago I was on the phone to NHS direct - I knew deep down there was nothing anyone could do - but H asked me to ring so I did.

I spoke to a very nice sounding young man then to a nurse - they asked lots of interesting questions!!!! It made me smile because it was obvious with the kind of questions being asked that she was ruling out things like migraine and meningitis - towards the end of the conversation she asked if I was ok - I replied “knackered but still standing - just”

So now I’m fretful that Tidgy GD will be sick and no one will hear her - I can’t sleep cos H keeps flushing the loo and I am hoping that B and the Babies are ok - her partner is on nights tonight so I told her to ring me if she needs me.

Right I’m going to find something else to occupy my mind until the house settles down - good job I’m on holiday as I’ll be in no fit state for anything tomorrow!

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Another heartache :(

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:31:13 +0200

My mum has been diagnosed with Macular Disease she has to go for laser treatment and injections a week on Monday.

I am so upset and worried about her - I've looked it up and the chances of her regaining the sight she has lost are minimal.

She was so sad when she told me tonight - she's know for a couple of days but my mum being my mum didn't want to worry me.

They've told her it will probably effect her other eye within months.

My mum makes cards - my mum reads every night - my mum has the most beautiful country garden you are ever likely to see - I can't imagin how she must be feeling right now - I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would all be ok - but it won't be will it?

She lives for her garden and the thought of her never seeing the beauty of what she has created again breaks my heart.

Her vision in her bad eye is really bad and came on very suddenly - my fingers are crossed she doesn't loose what sight she now has.

Oh I can't believe it - my mum - I know I don't talk about her much in my blog - but I do love her dearly - my poor mum

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The little things!

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:51:52 +0200

Oooo V (B's next door neighbour) asked her yesterday why I removed him from facebook!

Can't believe he noticed!

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to cross to think of a meaningful title!

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 11:12:58 +0200

I am a tad pissed off this morning!

Over the past few weeks I have been promised my own round at work due to a girl going on maternity.

It’s a piss simple round - no washing shitty arses or pushing wheelchairs or emptying commodes - simple in and outs making breakfast dinner and tea.

I know that ‘management’ will change it the second I start it and I have been dreading it.

Last week I was telling one of my services users that I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing taking it on - she then went and told her full time carer (I only see this woman on a Friday) her full time carer then rang the girl that is going on maternity who then rang me - SCREAMING abuse at me - I was so shocked I didn’t really know how to react.

She went on and on about how much she had cared for these people blah blah blah - I didn’t dare tell her that half of them don’t even like her and call her all sorts behind her back.

Anyway there she was yelling and bawling at me that I was ‘Stupid’ for not wanting to do her round……..

What she really fails to see is they could offer me work on the moon in that fucking job and I’d still hate it.

I am only taking this fucking round on till I finish my NVQ and find another job. I want so much more out of my life than this - she might well be happy visiting the same people day in day out but I know me and I am going to be so bored doing the same thing every day.

I know her round inside out and backwards - I’ve done it so often as she has had the worst pregnancy ever known to fucking man - yeah right woteva - she has used having a baby as an excuse to skive off work for months now - she’s used this poor baby as an excuse for just about everything - she doesn’t want to do something then she fakes some sort of illness …………hence all her services users ridiculing her behind her back.

Oh what is the point of this ……………….it just made me realise I can not go on in this ‘job’ much longer …………I want out of there…………….I want someone to say “hey Katie I’ve heard of this really good job going”

Oh why can’t my life be what I want it to be?

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Why?

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 00:59:50 +0200

Why didn't I hold his hand when he died?

Why did they rush me into a little room?

I'd been with him every step of the way for 24 years - I'd seen things no one should see - I held his hand time and time and time again - why not that night?

Why did he have to die alone - with strangers?

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The memory of happiness makes misery woeful

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:07:50 +0200

I’ve been thinking about writing this all day.

I have just been so tired with my job over the past few weeks I’ve not felt like writing - I’ve been working 7/6 with a 20 min break for 2 weeks now and it’s killing me.

Still I am out of there for 10 days and I am so grateful that we get holidays - not that I can afford to go anywhere which is totally depressing me.

Until yesterday I hadn’t left the confines of this small grotty town since April.

I got a text from Heather a woman I know from work (she’s left now lucky cow) she asked if I wanted to go over to Skipton with her yesterday - I said ‘yes’ so off we went.

I had a lovely morning but I’ve got to admit it was a strange morning.

I’ve never been shopping with another woman since I was a teenager - it’s was always me and K or my girls or my mum - never in 30 years have I been shopping with anyone else.

I got to thinking about K whilst I was out and realised that I’m living without him.

Ok that sounds stupid of course I live without him but I mean ‘really’ living without him.

I don’t know how to put it into words - there I was in the middle of Skipton - somewhere me and K liked to go as there is a canal there - and he wasn’t by my side - Heather was - a friend - I was doing something other than sitting at home on a Saturday with someone else - someone K had never met.

I just felt sad in a way that I can’t explain very well.

There I was with my own money - money I’d earned - shopping in a strange place with someone other than a family member and all I could think was “I’m doing it - I’m living a life without him”

I don’t know it just all suddenly hit me.

Heather kept telling me I looked tied and said “Will you please get out of that bloody job Katie - it’s doing you no good”

I have tried you know - application after application - I am working on my CV with my careers counsellor - so who knows.

Today I’ve just slept - well I did the supermarket shopping - had my dinner and slept the afternoon away - tonight I was thinking how different my life now is - the odd meal out with S or my neighbour - working hard - I’ve arranged to go shopping with Heather again - I’m off to camera club with Sally - but do you know what deep down inside I’m still as miserable as fuck!

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nothing much

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:05:51 +0200

Why am I pretending to everyone including myself that I can stick this job till January?

I am also so worried about H they think her overactive thyroid is now underactive. She is having loads of blood tests done - I feel so very sick with worry - I can't stand illness - I just want to run a million miles away right now!

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wishes there was a place called 'toyboys r us'

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:35:49 +0200

Not much happening in my world at the moment.

I've been busy with my NXQ though after todays carry on at work I am not sure I can stick it out until January.

They've managed in 2 short weeks to get me feeling like I want to run for the hills again.

B is on holiday and I am missing them all.

H is working.

I am sat her bored out of my head.

Ally one of C's friends (who I knew from my city and guilds days) texted me today asking if I want to go to camera club - I texted her straight back - of course I'd love to go with her - I'd love to start up my photography again - I miss using my camera - I'm wasting the only talent I've got so she is looking in to it and will get back in touch with me!

Who knows...........

Maybe there will be some bored rich lonely old fella............pity cos I am really looking for a toyboy hmmmmmmm

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Fun?

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:28:03 +0200

I went out last night with S to a Thai restaurant in Leeds.

The food was amazing and the Jasmine tea was really nice (I wasn’t sure I’d like that never having tried it before)

The company was good too - I do like S - he gave me a massive well needed hug - we get on well and it’s lovely to have him as a friend.

We talked about allsorts of things - different things - things I don’t talk about with anyone else - the one thing we both have in common is lack of direction - he’s a sensible fella with a good job so to hear him say things I’d been thinking was in a strange way good.

He said he doesn’t have much fun in his life either - so I’m not alone there either.

When I got home I sat outside having a cig thinking - it’s hard to have fun on your own - it really, really is - and to be honest I don’t think it’s possible to have fun alone - is it?

I looked up the definition of fun and came up with this:

1. Something that provides mirth and amusement - a picnic would be fun
2. Enjoyment or playfulness - she’s full of fun.

Both these definitions indicate more than one person is involved in having ‘fun’ so how can I ever have fun again if I’m destined to be alone for ever - it’s a terrifying and very upsetting thought!

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Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:54:50 +0200

I am feeling loads better at long last! I’ve never ever been so ill in all my life - I went back to work but I just couldn’t do it so had to take more time off - how I will now manage is beyond me but somehow I will.

So …………

So I’ve been doing some thinking and some reading - I’m not abnormal yippeeeee!

I have been reading through the widows forum I used in the early days and it seems I am not alone with my feelings even though it’s been 3 ½ years - I read an interesting post where someone said she was still ‘waiting’ for him to come through the door and oh my god how I related to that.

I know he’s dead - I also know he is buried - he has a grave - he has a headstone and he couldn’t have afforded to fake his own death - I’ve been through this a million times - too many people were involved with him after he died for him not to have really died - but deep in my head and heart I still ’wait’ for him.

I long to sit and chat to him - hold his hand - push his wheelchair - make him a cup of tea - cut his hair - moan about his discarded socks on the bedroom floor - I just want to see him - touch him - say his name and he answers me - I want to look into his big blue eyes and see him smile at me.

I know it won’t happen but I guess a part of me still wishes that the doctors and the police and the coroner made me bury an empty coffin and K is still out there somewhere getting better.

It’s coming up to my 4th Christmas without him - I’ve managed 3 so I guess somehow or other I will manage the 4th - it will come and go as the others have - but it will never be the same - it doesn’t mean much anymore even though I’ve got 5 grandchildren the spirit of Christmas died along with K!

Oh I don’t know ………………………..

I don’t know how days come and go - I don’t know how I keep going - I don’t know what is right and wrong anymore.

I read things that make me believe I’m not the only one to feel these things but then I think at some point surely the pain must ease and the desire of wanting him back must fade ………………..

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Not well

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 10:30:19 +0200

I am so poorly

I spent all weeked and Monday in bed - had to go back to that damn job yesterday as I really can not afford anymore time off - I just feel so ill all I want to do is get into bed and stay there till I feel better but what am I doing? Running round microwaving plastic dinners!

My head is throbbing! My cough is dreadful and hurting my chest! Oh woe is me!

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Night brings our troubles to the light rather than banishes them

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 23:19:18 +0200

I was just sat in my garden having a cig before bed - sobbing my eyes out - like you do on a Saturday night - when I realised I’ve just not got the adequate word power to describe how I am feeling anymore.

I sat looking at my hands - these fingers that would love nothing better than to be sat in a room with a view of the sea typing amazing words - I looked at my wrists - one slash and it would all be over - I looked at my feet - they’ve walked a thousand million miles but I wouldn’t swap my feet with anyone else as I would hate for anyone to tread the same empty, desolate, heart breaking road as me.

I heard someone laugh and I hated that person - I heard a police car’s sirens screaming out into the silence of the night - it was going to someone somewhere for what ever reason but it was going to life - someone’s life!

I saw 4 different planes - each flying off in a different direction - so high - little red light flashing - I wondered for a split second if the pilot was tired - what was his life like?

So there I am sat - a tiny speck in a great big universe wondering where I went wrong.

Wondering why I am so lonely.

Wondering why my husband had to die.

Wondering if I will end up like some of my old bids - never having felt the touch of another human being in 20 years.

Wondering if my life really amounts to the nothing I see it as amounting too.

Wondering why I can’t have the things I’d like.

Wondering how hard must I keep trying just to survive one day at a time.

Wondering if this really is it - that nothing will ever change for me and that my empty life is all I will ever have.

I can’t bear the pain that rises inside of me when I think “this is it Katie - this is the rest of your life - the little prison you’ve built yourself will be your home forever” it cuts into my guts like a steel blade.

I’ve always been on the outside looking in - or more accurately on the inside looking out.

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missing him

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 23:20:40 +0200

Dunno what is up with me tonight - just missing my K so much

Wish I could find a hand to hold .............................
xxx

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turning back time

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 23:10:07 +0200

If I could turn back time to 3 years and 5 months ago ........... miss the old bugger so very very much STILL

Love you K xxxxx

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Dread!

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:43:53 +0200

So where has it got me?

That’s the question that was running through my head whilst visiting K’s grave this afternoon.

My two weeks off - where has it got me?

No where - no where at bloody all.

So for all my massive blow out - my tears - my prayers - my mum & dad’s support - my panic attacks - where am I now?

Same place as I was two weeks ago - sitting here feeling so sick - knowing that tomorrow I’ve got to go back to wiping shitty fucking arses again.

It’s not fair!

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The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:52:20 +0200

By no stretch of the imagination has today been anywhere as near as good as yesterday.

‘Work’ rang me THREE times to see if I would work at the weekend - which I’ve had booked as holiday for over 2 months.

Do you know what she said to me?

“We thought you’d like to work it as you’ve missed the last few weekends”

HUH?

So flipping what if I’ve missed the last few weekends - what she was really saying is “We are short staffed AGAIN and we want you to work”

My reply …………..Fuck off not a chance in hell!

Can companies harass people who are on the sick? They have phoned me every day this week!

My managers obviously have no real idea why I am sat here on my bed feeling like my world is about to come to an end the minute that clock hits midnight on Thursday!

I’ve worked it out between Friday and the end of October I’ve only got to work for 15 days - the rest is holiday - I have never kept my fingers so tightly crossed that I get an interview for this other job and actually get it.

I’ve had a really nice calm and relaxing 2 weeks (even though we have a new unexpected addition to our family - - awww she is so cute) - I’m not feeling bone weary anymore - I have showered and washed my hair & even put on some old nail varnish I found in the bottom of my draw - I just feel semi human again - not completely - but I think that is because I know I have to go back.

On a brighter note I went to see my little grandchildren earlier and got lots of hugs and kisses of my sweet little J - I still can’t believe that B hid another baby from me and of course I’m hurt deep inside but I can’t be angry as little Evie is just a perfect little girl and B - well maybe I’ve just got to accept she will never trust me - that makes me so very sad.

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It's all go

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 18:45:01 +0200

I've just applied to become an volunteer events photographer for a local charity.

I was looking through the list and saw it advertised and thought "what have I got to lose?"

Nothing to lose but loads to gain!

Onwards and upwards .............

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