parallel universe

I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself tonight I got told today I have an 'outstanding knowledge' of effective ways to communicate with my old folks!

Trouble is I see it as a normal every day thing!

Also I was told I had an excellent understanding of OAP neglect and abuse - wish I didn't but I do

Pity my managers don't see me in the same way as my NVQ assessor

I got to thinking when I left "I'm doing this all by myself - no K to hold my hand - I'm actually achieving something for myself by myself" something I've not done in a very long time.

Way to go me haha!

I finally fell to sleep sometime after 5am! Up again at 7.30am - I am so tired!

Oh well it’s not as if I’ve got some sort of extraordinarily exciting life to be getting on with is it?

I’m down in the dumps today - I can’t stop crying - every time I think about my mum.

On top of that it’s the ’widows’ yearly holiday weekend. My Facebook has been full of it this morning - I know I left the group so I don’t even really know why it is upsetting me - I just know it is!

H and A are loads better thankfully and B texted me to say they are all loads better too.

Wish I was ok - wish I had something to do or somewhere to be …………………

What a day it has been!

Firstly B and the babies are poorly. B thinks she has swine flu although she has now had it 5 times since it first came to the UK! She is poorly but I don't seriously think she has it - I think she’s got a mega cold like I had the other week.

Tiny GD M has been sick all day and tiny GS A is just unwell with nothing you can point at - he’s just been very sleepy.

I had to look after 2 of them this morning as B had her post natal check up - why she didn’t mention feeling unwell to the doctor whilst she was there is a mystery!

Then my mum rings me and announces she could go blind throwing me into utter panic!

No sooner had my mum rung that H started to be sick - swiftly followed by Tidgy GD A - so half an hour ago I was on the phone to NHS direct - I knew deep down there was nothing anyone could do - but H asked me to ring so I did.

I spoke to a very nice sounding young man then to a nurse - they asked lots of interesting questions!!!! It made me smile because it was obvious with the kind of questions being asked that she was ruling out things like migraine and meningitis - towards the end of the conversation she asked if I was ok - I replied “knackered but still standing - just”

So now I’m fretful that Tidgy GD will be sick and no one will hear her - I can’t sleep cos H keeps flushing the loo and I am hoping that B and the Babies are ok - her partner is on nights tonight so I told her to ring me if she needs me.

Right I’m going to find something else to occupy my mind until the house settles down - good job I’m on holiday as I’ll be in no fit state for anything tomorrow!

My mum has been diagnosed with Macular Disease she has to go for laser treatment and injections a week on Monday.

I am so upset and worried about her - I've looked it up and the chances of her regaining the sight she has lost are minimal.

She was so sad when she told me tonight - she's know for a couple of days but my mum being my mum didn't want to worry me.

They've told her it will probably effect her other eye within months.

My mum makes cards - my mum reads every night - my mum has the most beautiful country garden you are ever likely to see - I can't imagin how she must be feeling right now - I just wanted to hug her and tell her it would all be ok - but it won't be will it?

She lives for her garden and the thought of her never seeing the beauty of what she has created again breaks my heart.

Her vision in her bad eye is really bad and came on very suddenly - my fingers are crossed she doesn't loose what sight she now has.

Oh I can't believe it - my mum - I know I don't talk about her much in my blog - but I do love her dearly - my poor mum

Oooo V (B's next door neighbour) asked her yesterday why I removed him from facebook!

Can't believe he noticed!

I am a tad pissed off this morning!

Over the past few weeks I have been promised my own round at work due to a girl going on maternity.

It’s a piss simple round - no washing shitty arses or pushing wheelchairs or emptying commodes - simple in and outs making breakfast dinner and tea.

I know that ‘management’ will change it the second I start it and I have been dreading it.

Last week I was telling one of my services users that I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing taking it on - she then went and told her full time carer (I only see this woman on a Friday) her full time carer then rang the girl that is going on maternity who then rang me - SCREAMING abuse at me - I was so shocked I didn’t really know how to react.

She went on and on about how much she had cared for these people blah blah blah - I didn’t dare tell her that half of them don’t even like her and call her all sorts behind her back.

Anyway there she was yelling and bawling at me that I was ‘Stupid’ for not wanting to do her round……..

What she really fails to see is they could offer me work on the moon in that fucking job and I’d still hate it.

I am only taking this fucking round on till I finish my NVQ and find another job. I want so much more out of my life than this - she might well be happy visiting the same people day in day out but I know me and I am going to be so bored doing the same thing every day.

I know her round inside out and backwards - I’ve done it so often as she has had the worst pregnancy ever known to fucking man - yeah right woteva - she has used having a baby as an excuse to skive off work for months now - she’s used this poor baby as an excuse for just about everything - she doesn’t want to do something then she fakes some sort of illness …………hence all her services users ridiculing her behind her back.

Oh what is the point of this ……………….it just made me realise I can not go on in this ‘job’ much longer …………I want out of there…………….I want someone to say “hey Katie I’ve heard of this really good job going”

Oh why can’t my life be what I want it to be?

Why didn't I hold his hand when he died?

Why did they rush me into a little room?

I'd been with him every step of the way for 24 years - I'd seen things no one should see - I held his hand time and time and time again - why not that night?

Why did he have to die alone - with strangers?

I’ve been thinking about writing this all day.

I have just been so tired with my job over the past few weeks I’ve not felt like writing - I’ve been working 7/6 with a 20 min break for 2 weeks now and it’s killing me.

Still I am out of there for 10 days and I am so grateful that we get holidays - not that I can afford to go anywhere which is totally depressing me.

Until yesterday I hadn’t left the confines of this small grotty town since April.

I got a text from Heather a woman I know from work (she’s left now lucky cow) she asked if I wanted to go over to Skipton with her yesterday - I said ‘yes’ so off we went.

I had a lovely morning but I’ve got to admit it was a strange morning.

I’ve never been shopping with another woman since I was a teenager - it’s was always me and K or my girls or my mum - never in 30 years have I been shopping with anyone else.

I got to thinking about K whilst I was out and realised that I’m living without him.

Ok that sounds stupid of course I live without him but I mean ‘really’ living without him.

I don’t know how to put it into words - there I was in the middle of Skipton - somewhere me and K liked to go as there is a canal there - and he wasn’t by my side - Heather was - a friend - I was doing something other than sitting at home on a Saturday with someone else - someone K had never met.

I just felt sad in a way that I can’t explain very well.

There I was with my own money - money I’d earned - shopping in a strange place with someone other than a family member and all I could think was “I’m doing it - I’m living a life without him”

I don’t know it just all suddenly hit me.

Heather kept telling me I looked tied and said “Will you please get out of that bloody job Katie - it’s doing you no good”

I have tried you know - application after application - I am working on my CV with my careers counsellor - so who knows.

Today I’ve just slept - well I did the supermarket shopping - had my dinner and slept the afternoon away - tonight I was thinking how different my life now is - the odd meal out with S or my neighbour - working hard - I’ve arranged to go shopping with Heather again - I’m off to camera club with Sally - but do you know what deep down inside I’m still as miserable as fuck!

Why am I pretending to everyone including myself that I can stick this job till January?

I am also so worried about H they think her overactive thyroid is now underactive. She is having loads of blood tests done - I feel so very sick with worry - I can't stand illness - I just want to run a million miles away right now!

Not much happening in my world at the moment.

I've been busy with my NXQ though after todays carry on at work I am not sure I can stick it out until January.

They've managed in 2 short weeks to get me feeling like I want to run for the hills again.

B is on holiday and I am missing them all.

H is working.

I am sat her bored out of my head.

Ally one of C's friends (who I knew from my city and guilds days) texted me today asking if I want to go to camera club - I texted her straight back - of course I'd love to go with her - I'd love to start up my photography again - I miss using my camera - I'm wasting the only talent I've got so she is looking in to it and will get back in touch with me!

Who knows...........

Maybe there will be some bored rich lonely old fella............pity cos I am really looking for a toyboy hmmmmmmm

I went out last night with S to a Thai restaurant in Leeds.

The food was amazing and the Jasmine tea was really nice (I wasn’t sure I’d like that never having tried it before)

The company was good too - I do like S - he gave me a massive well needed hug - we get on well and it’s lovely to have him as a friend.

We talked about allsorts of things - different things - things I don’t talk about with anyone else - the one thing we both have in common is lack of direction - he’s a sensible fella with a good job so to hear him say things I’d been thinking was in a strange way good.

He said he doesn’t have much fun in his life either - so I’m not alone there either.

When I got home I sat outside having a cig thinking - it’s hard to have fun on your own - it really, really is - and to be honest I don’t think it’s possible to have fun alone - is it?

I looked up the definition of fun and came up with this:

1. Something that provides mirth and amusement - a picnic would be fun
2. Enjoyment or playfulness - she’s full of fun.

Both these definitions indicate more than one person is involved in having ‘fun’ so how can I ever have fun again if I’m destined to be alone for ever - it’s a terrifying and very upsetting thought!

I am feeling loads better at long last! I’ve never ever been so ill in all my life - I went back to work but I just couldn’t do it so had to take more time off - how I will now manage is beyond me but somehow I will.

So …………

So I’ve been doing some thinking and some reading - I’m not abnormal yippeeeee!

I have been reading through the widows forum I used in the early days and it seems I am not alone with my feelings even though it’s been 3 ½ years - I read an interesting post where someone said she was still ‘waiting’ for him to come through the door and oh my god how I related to that.

I know he’s dead - I also know he is buried - he has a grave - he has a headstone and he couldn’t have afforded to fake his own death - I’ve been through this a million times - too many people were involved with him after he died for him not to have really died - but deep in my head and heart I still ’wait’ for him.

I long to sit and chat to him - hold his hand - push his wheelchair - make him a cup of tea - cut his hair - moan about his discarded socks on the bedroom floor - I just want to see him - touch him - say his name and he answers me - I want to look into his big blue eyes and see him smile at me.

I know it won’t happen but I guess a part of me still wishes that the doctors and the police and the coroner made me bury an empty coffin and K is still out there somewhere getting better.

It’s coming up to my 4th Christmas without him - I’ve managed 3 so I guess somehow or other I will manage the 4th - it will come and go as the others have - but it will never be the same - it doesn’t mean much anymore even though I’ve got 5 grandchildren the spirit of Christmas died along with K!

Oh I don’t know ………………………..

I don’t know how days come and go - I don’t know how I keep going - I don’t know what is right and wrong anymore.

I read things that make me believe I’m not the only one to feel these things but then I think at some point surely the pain must ease and the desire of wanting him back must fade ………………..