parallel universe

I am so poorly

I spent all weeked and Monday in bed - had to go back to that damn job yesterday as I really can not afford anymore time off - I just feel so ill all I want to do is get into bed and stay there till I feel better but what am I doing? Running round microwaving plastic dinners!

My head is throbbing! My cough is dreadful and hurting my chest! Oh woe is me!

I was just sat in my garden having a cig before bed - sobbing my eyes out - like you do on a Saturday night - when I realised I’ve just not got the adequate word power to describe how I am feeling anymore.

I sat looking at my hands - these fingers that would love nothing better than to be sat in a room with a view of the sea typing amazing words - I looked at my wrists - one slash and it would all be over - I looked at my feet - they’ve walked a thousand million miles but I wouldn’t swap my feet with anyone else as I would hate for anyone to tread the same empty, desolate, heart breaking road as me.

I heard someone laugh and I hated that person - I heard a police car’s sirens screaming out into the silence of the night - it was going to someone somewhere for what ever reason but it was going to life - someone’s life!

I saw 4 different planes - each flying off in a different direction - so high - little red light flashing - I wondered for a split second if the pilot was tired - what was his life like?

So there I am sat - a tiny speck in a great big universe wondering where I went wrong.

Wondering why I am so lonely.

Wondering why my husband had to die.

Wondering if I will end up like some of my old bids - never having felt the touch of another human being in 20 years.

Wondering if my life really amounts to the nothing I see it as amounting too.

Wondering why I can’t have the things I’d like.

Wondering how hard must I keep trying just to survive one day at a time.

Wondering if this really is it - that nothing will ever change for me and that my empty life is all I will ever have.

I can’t bear the pain that rises inside of me when I think “this is it Katie - this is the rest of your life - the little prison you’ve built yourself will be your home forever” it cuts into my guts like a steel blade.

I’ve always been on the outside looking in - or more accurately on the inside looking out.

Dunno what is up with me tonight - just missing my K so much

Wish I could find a hand to hold .............................
xxx

If I could turn back time to 3 years and 5 months ago ........... miss the old bugger so very very much STILL

Love you K xxxxx

So where has it got me?

That’s the question that was running through my head whilst visiting K’s grave this afternoon.

My two weeks off - where has it got me?

No where - no where at bloody all.

So for all my massive blow out - my tears - my prayers - my mum & dad’s support - my panic attacks - where am I now?

Same place as I was two weeks ago - sitting here feeling so sick - knowing that tomorrow I’ve got to go back to wiping shitty fucking arses again.

It’s not fair!

By no stretch of the imagination has today been anywhere as near as good as yesterday.

‘Work’ rang me THREE times to see if I would work at the weekend - which I’ve had booked as holiday for over 2 months.

Do you know what she said to me?

“We thought you’d like to work it as you’ve missed the last few weekends”

HUH?

So flipping what if I’ve missed the last few weekends - what she was really saying is “We are short staffed AGAIN and we want you to work”

My reply …………..Fuck off not a chance in hell!

Can companies harass people who are on the sick? They have phoned me every day this week!

My managers obviously have no real idea why I am sat here on my bed feeling like my world is about to come to an end the minute that clock hits midnight on Thursday!

I’ve worked it out between Friday and the end of October I’ve only got to work for 15 days - the rest is holiday - I have never kept my fingers so tightly crossed that I get an interview for this other job and actually get it.

I’ve had a really nice calm and relaxing 2 weeks (even though we have a new unexpected addition to our family - - awww she is so cute) - I’m not feeling bone weary anymore - I have showered and washed my hair & even put on some old nail varnish I found in the bottom of my draw - I just feel semi human again - not completely - but I think that is because I know I have to go back.

On a brighter note I went to see my little grandchildren earlier and got lots of hugs and kisses of my sweet little J - I still can’t believe that B hid another baby from me and of course I’m hurt deep inside but I can’t be angry as little Evie is just a perfect little girl and B - well maybe I’ve just got to accept she will never trust me - that makes me so very sad.

I've just applied to become an volunteer events photographer for a local charity.

I was looking through the list and saw it advertised and thought "what have I got to lose?"

Nothing to lose but loads to gain!

Onwards and upwards .............

Wow that was utterly amazing!

I have got myself a careers’ councillor. One phone call was all it took.

He was so pleasant - I started off by telling him that I had not got a clue what I would be good at or what I would enjoy - I told him I have a list a mile long of things that I wouldn’t like to do and he laughed.

At one point I said to him “I bet you’ve never had anyone as exasperating as me on the phone” and he said “You’re not that bad believe me”

Anyway I was on the phone well over an hour and the information he extracted from me was amazing. I didn’t even know I had all those things inside me.

He asked me what was important to me and I said my writing & art. I told him I wasn’t the type of person to sit at a desk 9-5 and that I loved lots of variety in my day - which stems from having not worked in a long time and doing what ever I wanted when I wanted too.

He said he understood that - which surprised me!

I told him how difficult it is when filling in an application form to account for all my missing years work history and he said further down the line he will tell me how I can overcome that.

So after a really long and very useful chat I’ve got homework to do before he calls me again next Monday.

I’ve got to do lots of research into jobs that I have thought about in the past or would consider in my future and write them down and find out what ‘experience’ I need.

He is going to show me ways of putting what experience I have got down on paper so it looks like what they are looking for without actually having any work related experience - that sounds so cool haha!

I was taking notes as he was chatting and he was obviously doing the same as he went back to different things I had said.

I have so many more idea’s now - one thing he did say was that I’ve got to stop looking for the ‘top’ job and try for the middle or even the beginning - unless it is a job I really could do and he will help me put a CV together if that’s the case.

I said I knew I was trying to run before I could walk - it is one of my downfalls - but he said that it didn’t matter.

Another thing he did say was I am scared of taking risks - how true. I am - I am petrified I will make the wrong decision and end up losing my home because of it.

I’ve only got me to rely on and it is very important that I do the right thing the first time.

So he is going to ring me next week - this is very exciting as it’s the first time ever in my life I’ve been given the chance to really think things through and work them out with someone who knows what they are talking about.

Thank you so much Subville I mean that from the bottom of my heart - if it wasn’t for you I would never have even known there were people out there how could help me see things more clearly. I really am truly grateful.

Now I better get on with my home work haha!!

Pounding heart - sweating hands - dizzy - feeling so sick - shaking - that’s how I was when I got off the phone after talking to one of my coordinators at work about an hour ago - it has taken me this long to recover.

“Just to let you know” she literally barked down the phone at me “if you get another sick note we won’t be paying you for your holidays - you are back Friday” and she put the phone down on me……………

And I’ve got to go back to that?

I don’t know what to do - I’ve applied for loads of jobs again but still to no avail.

I can understand it I guess what company would want to employ someone of my age without experience of the job? No fucker that’s who!

When I see a job advertised and think I could do that standing on my head - but then when it comes to applications forms and employment history I’ve had it.

No one gives a fucking toss that I gave up my life to care for my sick husband - no one gives a fucking toss that I struggled through college whilst nursing him - no one cares that I did the best I could do and that was to gain qualifications - that count for nothing at all.

It’s not damn fair - and what is worse is I can’t see how it is actually my fault? Honest given my circumstances what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t have held down a full time job with K as ill as he was - I’d have been sacked for taking time off. It wasn’t even an option to work.

So with her sarcastic voice ringing in my ears I’ve got to somehow muster up the courage to go back - I think I’d rather slit my own wrists right at this given moment.

I truly have no idea what to do.

For a brief few hours today I felt like my old self - doing what I love doing best - creating a party for my little Grandson.

I woke up and jumped out of bed - instead of dragging myself out!

I mowed the lawn and then went to the supermarket - looking for a few more treats for them all.

I came home and made some party food - H made a cake (she’s a good cake maker) we put a 1st birthday banner on the garage door and waited excitedly for them to arrive.

We had a really lovely lunch - J (my eldest grandson) turned to me and said

“Nanny”

“Yes J”

“This food is delicious” haha he’s only 3 god love his little heart.

It was over all too soon and with waves and smiles and lots of hugs and kisses off they all went home.

I rang my mum to tell her what J had said and she thought it was funny - as I knew she would.

Then she tells me she is in Scarborough - they had just arrived and were looking for a parking space then they were going to get some fish and chips!

That made me want fish and chips! I told H who then also wanted fish and chips!

About half an hour later I got a text from my mum saying her and my dad had found a nice little B&B and were sat in a café eating fish and chips (my dad) and lasagne (my mum) that was the start of my downward spiral!

I missed K so much as I read that text - we should have been doing that - he never took me away for weekends - always too much hassle with his dialysis equipment! We never even had a honeymoon! Just wish he was here as I miss my days out with him SO much!

Tears started after that - I love my grandchildren so much and although they stay for a few hours it’s never long enough for me - and I miss them tremendously when they go home.

Then the thought of my mum and dad together - happy with each other - that made me sad too.

Anyway H came out and said “do you fancy going to Harry Ramsdens?”

Next I am in the car sitting next to Tidgy GD - and off we went.

Now our Harry Ramsdens is quite a drive away and near to Leeds/Bradford airport - whilst I was sitting with Tidgy waiting on H & D returning 3 aeroplanes took off.

I work REALLY hard - I do - oh people might think that caring for the old folks is a doddle and easy money but I can assure anyone who lives under that misapprehension that it is far from that - it’s extremely hard work and even more extremely low paid!

What has that got to do with anything?

Well……………………

As I was watching the planes take off the tears started once again - I wanted to be on one of those planes - I thought about the people on them - how they would have worked hard and saved up - I work hard but get paid such a fucking pittance I could never save up!

I just feel so bloody abnormal all the time - what is wrong with me that I miss out on so much?

I just feel so worthless and my life feels so meaningless.

I just want to be a ‘normal’ person - a bit of money to spoil myself from time to time - go to the hairdressers - have my nails done - like so so many other women do - I want to be at the airport - like so many other people do - I just want a NORMAL sort of life.

Why is it so much to ask?

Today (20th Sept) is my little Grandson A's first birthday

Bless his little heart - he is so cute - he really does have a smile that would warm anyone's cold heart.

The other day when I went to see them M (my granddaughter) was first to see me come in - she came running over with such a happy smile followed closely by J (my eldest Grandson) and in third place came little A crawling like the clappers with the widest smile - I love my little Grandchildren so very very much - they are the only people on this earth that keep me going - that give me a little bit of hope.

So - B is bringing the tribe to see me tomorrow - we are having a birthday lunch and I am SO looking forward to it - I've bought a few nice treats & I am going to get up early and mow the back lawn so we can sit outside - hope the weather is fine!

All my little Grandchildren - here at my house - together - bless them all xxxxx

I am loving not having to go to bed early

I feel stuffed!

I had a really nice night out with R - we went to the carvery and had roast beef and turkey and loads of veg - then finished off with sticky toffee pudding ……..yummmmm

Whilst we were chatting we got on about dating web sites - her friend uses one - now I know in the past I’d have said “no how no way” but when I got home I joined one - I very quickly un-joined it - it really isn’t for me!

All these little expectant faces - smiling out of little photos’ - they made me feel sad.

They also brought up the age old question “Why do men have bloody beards?” Yuck yuck and yuck again!

On this site you got to view loads of men on one page so I scrolled through over 600 adverts (it didn’t take long) and there wasn’t one little face that I thought “hmmm” about - not one - hence me ‘resigning’ from the site (as they called it)

I’m not looking for a replica of K - I’m open minded enough to consider most - but good fucking god it was like looking through the polices most wanted list!

I know looks aren’t everything but there surely has to be some kind of attraction and it can only be based on looks on these sites??

Oh well I’m off to bed - on my own - once again - hey ho!

I was just in the shower and whilst I was washing my hair my thoughts turned to K.

He would have hated the fact that I was going out tonight.

He would have carried on like a spoilt brat and I would have let him get away with it and I wouldn't have gone.

It still feels so weird getting dressed up to go out - I don't have to tell him - I don't have to have the argument - I don't have to come home to him sulking - will I ever get used to being my own person - someone who is free?

I’ve spent time this morning reading about people with learning disabilities - I am so determined to get this job that I will move heaven and earth to do it.

I want to understand the needs of people and exactly what is expected of me - there is a huge difference between what I am doing now and the job that I want - it’s a bit scary but I’m going for it.

I’ve also been out shopping.

I’ve raided my 10p tin and gone to buy my new little granddaughter a pretty dress - also it’s her brothers 1st birthday on Sunday so I bought him a cute little outfit as well.

I’m not feeling normal yet after my mass blow out - I’m still feeling shaky and my concentration levels are dreadful - I was reading something and I had to read it about 6 times before it went in.

I am DREADING having to go back to work - every time I think about it I can feel my panic level rise - why did they have to constantly ring me - my mum said they trusted me to do the job - but that’s not a good enough answer - they have harassed me so bad I’ve ended up like this - a fucking nervous wreck.

Anyway I am looking forward to going out tonight - not got anything to wear but hey ho!

Who says dreams can't come true?

Firstly since I wrote my wish list I've had two invitations for nights out.

My neighbour texted me and said "do you fancy going for something eat tomorrow" of course I said "yes"

Then I got an email from S on facebook - he told me to mark the 5th October in my diary he is going to take me out!

Then if that wasn't enough I was looking through our councils jobs and I've found one I am going to apply for.

A five minute walk (if that) is a residental home for adults with learning disabilities - I've often driven by wishing a job would come up there - I could walk to work - how much would that save me? Plus the pay is TWICE what I am on now for less hours!

Think I'll keep my wishes coming haha

I wish I felt better

I wish I had a new car

I wish I had a new man in my life

I wish I had lots and lots of money so I could return to my old life in part!

I wish I could have a few friends again

I wish someone would invite me out a few nights a month

I wish all this wasn't so hard.

I wish I had the money to give to B so she could buy a bigger house

I wish again that I had to money to give to H so she could buy her own house

I wish I could buy my house by the sea

I wish I could afford a new pair of shoes

I wish I could afford to have my hair cut

I wish I had a nice bottle of perfume

I wish that someone with big strong arms would put them round me and say "it will be ok"

I wish I could find a good book to read as the last two have been crap

I wish I could find the words to write a best seller.

I wish that right this second now I was getting on a plane and going anywhere

I wish that someone cared about me

I wish it was all different

So here I am in the house totally alone and it feels weird!

H started her new job today and Tidgy GD is at nursery - I should be busy with all the jobs that need doing whilst they are all out but they can wait until tomorrow.

Tomorrow - Tuesday - the day I dread at work more than any other day of the week - I am so looking forward to not going to work tomorrow …………

I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore - all weekend everyone has been saying to me to take time out to look after myself - to be selfish for a change - but I haven’t a clue how to be selfish.

I’ve never put myself first - not ever - I always worry about how my actions with effect others - I’m sat here now thinking I should be looking after Tidgy instead of her being at nursery.

I kept going and going in my job so I knew that if B needed me I’d have time in my day to help her out - she’s thrown it back in my face but hey fucking ho!

I’ve sat all morning trying to find another job but my instincts are telling me to take this time out and go back for the next three months until I finish my NVQ - trouble is I am already dreading going back ……I know we all have to do things we don’t want to so maybe this is how my life has to be till January? I just don’t know anymore.

I keep thinking with my NVQ I at least have yet another qualification and it’s so easy - but then what? I will just have this massive string of qualifications and still in reality be no better off!

I can’t see a future - I can dream about one - I can think I can do this and that but I really can’t see where I am heading.

Yeah it’s so easy for me to spout off about selling my house and moving away - but would it be any better? According to J and C it’s the best thing they could ever have done - but they’ve both got young children and have made friends because of their kids - they’ve both had a couple of relationships - oh what has that got to do with anything? I’m jealous cos I’ve not ever had a proper date!

I keep writing lists of things I want - new job - new fella - new car - on and on my list goes but it’s the same list I’ve been writing for the last 3 years (except the man - he’s a more recent addition)

I’m getting nowhere fast at that is what is really depressing me the most.

I wish with all my being that things would change - I will wish for ever that I will be a person that was in the right place at the right time.

Well the weekend is over and I’ve not got to think about work till the end of September - I’m worrying about money but nothing new there.

I am still in shock and still think at any given time someone is going to wake me from this dream - I’ve got a new baby granddaughter - I saw B almost give birth and I still can not believe it’s all real.

I spent a few hours with them all yesterday - oh she really is a little cutie - but even as I was holding her it still didn’t seem real.

Little GS was none to pleased he kept saying “Nanny give Evie to mummy I want a snuggle & a kiss”

So…………..

Because of B and Evie things have moved on in my life a little - don’t get me wrong I am still as depressed as ever …………however I have spoken to my brother for the first time in 13 months and I spoke to my old friend J for the first time in a good 6/8 months.

It was SO weird to talk to them both - they both rang me - I sent J and my sister in law a text telling them about Evie and the rang me.

J is so happy - she has had a couple of relationships but they’ve not gone anywhere but she is so happy that she moved away - just like C was when I spoke to her.

My brother hasn’t changed one bit and at first it was hard to talk to him but we were on the phone over an hour so we got there in the end.

You’d think with everything that has happened in the last 72 hours I’d have started to feel a little better but I haven’t - my problems are still there and today after talking to J I have realised that I am suppressing my desire for sex more than I thought.

It is making me so miserable but besides walking the street I can’t think of any other way of getting what I need!

Do you know I can help but feel I must give off a dreadful impression of me and my girls in my ramblings - if you were to ever meet us for real you would see we are just normal people - not much money but not one of us has ever claimed benefits (except my working tax credit thing) I live on a nice street - in a nice big house - I was brought up extremely well - both my girls are well educated and both went to uni - even though they both dropped out!

When I read what I write I worry people will get the wrong idea about us all and that really does upset me.

Friday 11th September 2009

10.15am

My GP say’s I am suffering from ‘reactive depression’ he has signed me off from work for 2 weeks (don’t know how I will manage financially but I will have to find a way) and given me some pills.

On reading the leaflet that came with them I’ve decided not to take them till I see my own doctor Nigel. The leaflet says don’t take if you’ve been feeling suicidal - well I have but I didn’t get chance to tell David that - I was too busy telling him about B and my new surprise Granddaughter.

I don’t mind taking the pills - but I don’t want to cause myself anymore problems so I want a second opinion on them from my trusted old Nige!

Work were not happy with the sick note but TOUGH!

So out of the doctors I came - still in shock - still feeling horrid - still feeling like shit!

My mum and dad took me out for the afternoon and treated me to afternoon tea - it really was delightful and something that I have really missed doing.

My mum and dad and H went at 7pm to see the new bundle of joy! She really is so sweet .

I talked to my dear friend C on the phone for ages whilst they were gone. She is moving into her own place with her boys this weekend - she sounded so happy. Things are finally going her way and I sincerely wish her all the happiness in the world.

Some of the things she said to me really hit home and as I tried to sleep last night I made a huge decision - nothing new really in this but I’ve made my mind up that come January or as soon as H & D have paid for their Vegas trip the house will once again go up for sale and I will take the highest offer I can get regardless of what I might lose.

I have to turn my little hopes and dreams into my own reality and that means the massive change I have been craving for so long.

I want to do it - for my own sanity I want to do it. I want to move out of this ghost house and start all over a fresh.

I know it won’t be easy but C has done it, J has done it - so I am damn bloody sure I can do it too!

Thanks to my sick note and some leave I had booked I have the rest of September off work - back for 10 days then another fortnight off - I finish my NVQ2 in January and I keep thinking I’ve stuck my job out this long I am just going to have to dig deep and find the coping strategies I have lost.

Roll on next year…………………

As for Evie and B - I doubt I will ever understand B but I’ve got a new little grandbaby to love and spoil now - it doesn’t matter how she came into this world I have to love her no matter what.

Friday 11th September 2009

I woke up feeling like I’d been run over by a massive truck!

It was 7.00am - I went and had a cig and the phone started to ring - I didn’t get to it in time so I did 1471 and it was a mobile number - I thought if it was work I’d be ready to say my piece.

When the phone answered it was a man’s voice that at first I didn’t recognize -

“Katie can you come down”

“Yes of course - why what’s up?”

“I will explain when you get here”

My heart was thumping so hard I could feel it all over my body - it was B’s partner C and he would never ever ring me for no good reason!

I ran to the car - drove like a bat out of hell and turned B’s corner to only see an ambulance parked outside their house - I can not begin to tell you how afraid I was at the very moment in time.

I ran - the door was open and going upstairs was a paramedic - he turned and said

“hello who are you”

“I’m B’s mum what’s happened”

“Oh she is in labour - we want to get her to the hospital as fast as possible”

That’s when the world started to go in slow motion!

Labour? Labour? Having a baby? He had to be wrong!

I followed him up the stairs - I don’t even know why - and I walked into her room - there she was laying on the bed with the crown of the babies head visible - “don’t hate me” she was yelling at the top of her voice between taking puffs of what I presume was gas and air.

“don’t push” shouted the female paramedic

“It’s coming” screams B.

“Please hold on” yells the female paramedic

“Get C” screams B

I ran downstairs - C was making toast for my grandbabies so I yelled at him to get up there and I’d do the toast.

We all got our toast and sat down - little GS was saying him mummy was poorly - I just felt dazed! I rang H to tell her and she was yelling “what the fuck” at me - I told her I would ring back as soon as I could”

After what seemed like forever the female paramedic opened the door and said “congratulations Grandma you’ve got a beautiful little granddaughter 7lb 7oz”

C came tripping in with a big beaming smile and announced he was off to the supermarket for a few things!

Supermarket? Few things? B had just given birth to another secret baby and he was off shopping?

So I sat with the other 3 and waited - the midwife turn up and the paramedics left and C came back and it just all felt like a dream - I was dying to wake up.

C said I could go see her and I ran up the stairs and there she was sat on the bed holding my brand new granddaughter Evie.

“why didn’t you tell anyone” I managed to get out

“I don’t know” she said. “Do you want a hold?”

I took this tiny little girl in my hands - she really is a beautiful little baby - and just stared at her.

Why? That’s what I keep asking myself “why?” she never told us about Rosie - she never told us about little GS - she told us about tiny GD and baby GS so why hide little Evie?

When I finally got home my mum and H were firing questions at me left right and centre - questions that I couldn’t answer.

I have no idea why she didn’t tell us or C - I have no idea why he hasn’t gone absolutely mad with her for hiding it.

I’ve just got no answers!

Too be continued………………………

Thursday 10th September 2009

My day started out like any other day.

Work constantly on the phone - same old same old!

I got home about 6.30pm and was so tired I came up here to chill for ½ an hour.

I had my tea and was ok - came back up here about 8pm to look at my Facebook etc:

8.30pm the phone rang. I looked at the screen and thought “oh no not again” it was as you’ve probably guessed ‘work’!

“Can you do so and so and so and so - and the list went on - in the morning?”

“Nope” was my reply “I can no way physically do all that in the morning”

“Well can you just do 4 of them then?”

“Ok” and I put the phone down.

I sat on my bed and just sobbed - sobbed so hard that it turned into the most frightening panic attack I’ve ever had - I couldn’t breath - it was awful and it was also at the point I knew I’d had enough!

I got on the phone and said “mum can you and dad come and get me I can’t do this anymore”

H was holding the phone ready to dial 999 - I just lost it and lost it big time.

It just felt like my whole world had collapsed taking me with it.

My mum and dad arrived about 1.30am and I was all packed and ready to go - I wanted to go see my GP first thing Friday morning then go stop with them for a few days.

………………………………To be continued

Today I visited a lady who is 88 and has really bad dementia - she is a poor old soul - she hasn’t got much furniture and there is no wall paper or paint on her bedroom walls - her flat is spotless clean - but oh it is so empty in there.

She sits on a chair by her window and just gazes out - I am the only person she will see today.

As I was making her lunch she just said to me:

“It’s a lonely life”

I turned and smiled and all that came out of my mouth was “I know”

Upon leaving her flat - I turned and locked the door - locking her away from life - I sat on the stairs and wept.

How can I say I’m lonely? How dare I say I am lonely? But I am!

Not in the same way as this dear old lady but I am lonely - I know I am lucky as I do have people to talk to - I’m not locked up in a flat all day - which I think is an appalling way to live (wish someone would put her in a home with people around her) but I’m locked in my own little world - I don’t go out on a night or socialise - I work alone - if it wasn’t for the office ringing me 50 times a day I wouldn’t hear from anyone I work with.

Oh woe is bloody me - I’m not 88 - and I am lonely - lonely as hell - still least I am not locked in all day.

Quote:

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

Sadly I recognize myself here

After I’d been to the graveyard today I went into the office.

Office? That’s a joke - our managers cock up our rota’s on a weekly basis - it’s really pathetic actually - you would think that every week the same people would do the same work so the rota’s could just be printed off every week hassle free! Yeah what ever!

So I got handed my rota - when I looked through it, it didn’t seem right - so I looked again - they hadn’t put me any work in for Wednesday! For fuck sake I do the same thing week in week out how the hell could they miss out all day Wednesday?

So I said I would take it as holiday - no sooner had I got home than I got a phone call “We’ve got a round for you on Wednesday” Wow aren’t I the lucky one!

Whilst in the ’office’ I got talking to our receptionist come wages come odd job person - she is looking for a new job and got told about one this morning she was going to ring for an application form when she got home.

Our ’office admin’ woman has applied for over 20 jobs.

One of our ’co-ordinators’ (what she co-ordinates is a mystery to me) is off sick.

Two of our supervisors are off on the sick with depression!

I stated work with a woman called E - I haven’t seen her in months until this afternoon - she is such a quiet little woman who wouldn’t say boo to a goose - she was F’ing and blinding and say’s if she has to clean public toilets for the rest of her life she will - her notice is going in at the end of the week!

H my friend is off on the sick she says she isn’t coming back - she is taking the time to find a new job.

So what do I do? Me who has applied for so many jobs that I’ve lost count!

I know M in the office has applied for as many as me and she’s not had one interview either - so maybe it’s not just something I am doing wrong!

Wish I could have a chance conversation with someone and it would result in me finding another job - wish someone would read my blog and see I have the potential for being a very good employee - with a bit of training I could turn my hand to just about anything - I think!

Hey ho - as they say - I should be so bloody lucky!

I went to the graveyard this afternoon - I needed some time out and some peace and quiet!

I sat by the headstone bemoaning my existence and telling him what a perfectly dreadful weekend I had, had.

I told him about the house by the sea and how much he would have loved it - I was telling him what I would do once it was mine - I told him how I know my life would change beyond compare if only I could move away and find a job.

As I was getting in the car I said “K show me a sign if it’s all going to turn out ok”

Something at the side of the car caught my eye - no word of a lie - a tiny little butterfly flew right up to me then flew away.

I hope beyond hope it was a sign and things do alter in my life cos I am pretty sick of asking myself………”what is the point”!

Honest to god this has been one of the worst weekends on record.

I’ve managed to fall out with both my daughters!

Why can’t H accept that I can not afford to go to Las Vegas? Where does she think the money is going to come from?

Every time we talk about it we end up in a massive row and it’s not fair - she decided to go - I was sitting one night watching telly when D came through and said it was all booked.

The next day his mum and her credit card came to visit and she booked the same hotel (I just found that out tonight) for her and his dad. Talk about gutted!

Then on top of her I’ve got B acting like a 2 year old. Hers is a long story that I really can not be bothered to write about - for some reason - she reckons it all to do with H - she doesn’t want me to see my grandkids - cos H said to her that I don’t spend enough time with her and Tidgy - even though they live with me! So I’m having a massive row with B over it.

I just want to pack my fucking bags and piss off into the night and leave the fucking pair of them to it!

You would think that with my money problems sorted out for now I’d feel a little happier and a bit more chilled but I’m not.

I know it’s got to be paid back - I can afford to do it now I’m not dipping into my savings ( the bit of money I’m saving each month thanks to the low interest rate - heaven help me if they put it back up high again quickly!)

Anyway - you’d think I’d be rushing off to the shops but I couldn’t bring myself to go! I am still feeling so unhappy that even the lure of money and a shopping trip couldn’t get me feeling excited!

It’s my job - it is my job! I hate it so much.

I hate it so much that I was looking for jobs in other countries tonight - maybe another country would give me a chance - this country has failed me - it really has. There’s no hope for people like me which makes me fucking sick. I gave up my life to care for my husband for what? To be over looked for every possible job I could hope to get and it fucking sucks big time!

I used to get so angry with myself for letting K get away with his temper tantrums - all the cruel things he would say to me to stop me from working - then when I could work he got ill - was any of that my fault?

Well maybe when my girls were younger I shouldn’t have let him get away with the way he treated me over getting a job.

I remember once I had a job as a receptionist it was only part time - school hours - it lasted maybe a month and I couldn’t take the abuse over it any longer. Of course I was shagging the man I had to work for - you know I couldn’t contain myself - he was everything K wasn’t. For fuck sake I worked for a fella - why oh why was that a big deal for K? Was I shagging him? Don’t be so fucking ridiculous - it was a job - a job I actually liked!

Another time I remember I got on a drama course at college - I was so excited - I was going to be doing - what was then an A level drama course - that was until I mentioned to K that they bloke who interviewed me for my place said they all went to the pub on a Friday afternoon - K made my life such a misery over that one little throw away comment that I ended up not going.

Somehow or other I managed to get on my photography course - maybe I was stronger by then and wasn’t going to put up with his crap anymore - but do you know what? He never once told me that he thought my photos were any good. Not once.

Maybe that’s why I was never able to carry on with it once he died.

He stole all my self confidence by making me out to be a slut ………………

So where does all that leave me?

It leaves me in a job I hate - feeling more and more unhappy by the day.

I want to write for a living - I’m not a brilliant writer - I’m a crap speller (but that’s what spell check is for) I want to be a writer. I’ve always wanted to be one. I’ve even written 2 novels but goodness knows where they are - I remember putting them in a briefcase - but fuck knows where it has gone.

So if anyone out there is listening (IE: the cosmos) I want to be a writer - did you hear that?

What the heck has happened to the weather - I am freezing!

This should be my life's motto

aut viam inveniam aut faciam

Today I held the braces of Lord Haw Haw!

The husband of one of my old ladies was his prison guard in Wandsworth Jail and he had to remove anything Lord Haw Haw could use to commit suicide - he got the braces and shoe laces and his partner got his belt and tie.

How wonderful it was to hear this story and touch a piece of history.

She was interviewed by our local paper today - can't wait to see her and her story....fascinating hey?

I've just realized that being in bed so early is part of what is making me so unhappy.

I'm a night owl - I love night time - I love being awake in the middle of the night!

I've always loved going to bed late - always - even when I was little, the later the better.

On my weekends off I don't go to bed till 2/3am - just because I can!

I HATE BEING IN BED EARLY!

I’ve been thinking again!

Ok so the last few weeks have been really really hard - but why are they any harder than any other week?

I have pondered upon this question today as I drive from job to job feeling as miserable as sin!

Yes I miss K - but you’d think after 3 yrs and 3 months I’d have got used to it wouldn’t you?

Why do I still wish he’d just walk back through the door and save me?

Have I accepted that he is gone? Well I thought I had!

Part of my problem is I’ve been drifting along - no plan in my head only day dreams - it’s easy to stay put in this god damn awful job because it means I don’t have to make an effort - and making an effort makes me worn out!

So I sit in a safety net not daring to move so I don’t tip the fragile balance of my life.

I wish someone would just push me out of that net - but then would I fall for awhile then just find another net to jump into?

Is that what other people do? Jump from net to net?

Why do I want to play it safe? Why can’t I just think fuck it?

I sat in my car with my phone in my hand ready to dial the number of the doctor this morning - but when I thought about actually seeing him I was stumped as to what I would say to him so I didn’t ring!

“Oh Dr I crave everything it seems impossible for me to have!

“Oh Nigel (my docs name) I want to get out of my safety net but I don’t know how to?”

“Oh Nige I want so much to have a different life - one away from all the constant reminders of the past”

So I keep still - I don’t upset the balance but then what kind of life is that?

I am not convinced I have done the right thing but in reality I didn’t have much choice.

I’ve taken out a loan with my bank - it will clear my over draft and give me some money to get my car fixed.

I’ve taken it out over 5 years so the repayments are affordable as long as I don’t go back into the overdraft - which I lowered!

I am selling the house next year come what may as H will be married and moving out - there is NO WAY they are living here any longer - so once it is sold I can pay off what ever is left to pay.

As I say I’m not sure I’ve done the right thing but hey ho!