parallel universe

an anomaly?

This morning I woke up in the most unfamiliar surroundings at first I had no idea where I was - or even what day it was.

I woke up in a huge comfy bed - it wasn’t my lumpy back hurting bed - no this was the softest snuggest bed I’d ever slept it. I had no back pain on waking which was unusual.

I looked around me - the room was massive compared to my postage stamp sized room of old - I could see that I could get out of bed without hurting my hip on a tatty 25 yr old set of draws.

I looked towards the window - I was thrilled to see the white curtains at the windows were blowing gently instead of the heavy brown ones I used to have.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the window - opening the white lace blinds that hung behind the beautiful white curtains - it was true - the sounds I could hear weren’t that of the motorway traffic steaming ahead - horns blearing - no all I could hear was the sound of the sea roaring into shore - waves 5ft high - furious waves beating down on the sand,

I could see a ship in the distance so I got my binoculars out to have a better look. It was tossing and turning in the heavy sea - it was a cargo ship - it would be ok.

I ran excitedly down the stairs and into my study - my books lined the shelves - my computer ready for another days work - my photos were hung neatly on the walls. I looked at each on in turn - grateful that I’d had the opportunity to take such amazing photos’.

I walked into the living room where the remnants of last nights log fire laid in the grate of the open fire - the cat was asleep on the rug in front of it.

I looked out of the window - the sea was still in a dangerous mood.

I stood for a while to watch “is this a dream” I kept asking myself over and over again.

I went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee - oh what a fantastic kitchen it is. Everything works - nothing is falling apart - the doors open smoothly and don’t fall apart - not like the 25 year old kitchen in my old house - oh no - this kitchen worked and didn’t reduce me to tears every time I tried to open a door or a draw.

Coffee made I headed back upstairs - I opened my wardrobe - clothes - new clothes - all mine - nothing in that wardrobe was over 2 months old - unlike my old wardrobe that housed clothes - some that were over 5 yrs old - that I had to somehow wear! I picked out a warm jumper - haven’t owned a warm piece of clothing in so so long! I put on my jeans and new walking boots - I’ve never owned such a lovely pair of boots - they keep my feet snug and dry unlike the boots I used to wear for work that let in water.

I finished my coffee whilst sitting in my window seat watching the sea and seagulls and a few people who were daring enough to brave the weather.

I went back downstairs and put Archie’s lead on - Archie is my best friend - he’s an old English Sheep dog - he takes a lot of looking after but I’ve now got the time - I work from home now you see - I don’t need to work - I’ve got enough money in the bank to keep me for the rest of my life - but I want work - it gives me something to do and gives my brain a good work out most days.

Archie and I brave the cold gale force wind together as we wander off down the street - so happy - knowing that in the afternoon my girls and grandbabies are coming for a few days.

I can not tell you how happy I am in my new life. I feel relaxed and content - I can do what I want when I want to - I don’t live to 15 minute dead lines anymore - those days are long gone.

I wish K was here to enjoy this new life - I know he is up there watching me - he’s willing me on as he now knows I am happy - and I am happy, truly happy.

I am such so very grateful to be living the life I had only ever dreamed about.

Now I better hurry and walk this dog - I’ve got my family coming to see me later.

"A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long."

E E Cummings

I just don’t know what has been wrong with me this week - I just can’t seem to stem the tears for more than a few hours at a time.

I know I need to go to the doctors but I don’t want pills and can’t afford to take time off work - I know he’d give me a sick note if I asked for one - and I want one but I can’t survive on fresh air.

I’ve watched just about every person on my bit of the street go on holiday these past few weeks - I saw Mr OTR’s neighbours come back today - suitcases coming out of the car - all happy - perfect little family - the week before their neighbours were away - every day I saw a little old lady there letting herself in and out - presume she is one of their parents.

Think Mr and Mrs OTR must have a holiday home of some sort as they have hardly been home all summer - I’ve seen her twice since the summer holidays began and her car has been missing for almost 6 weeks. He’s been home but as I no longer sit in my living room I don’t see anything of him which is a good thing really.

Keith Chegwin has made me cry just about every morning - bouncing around on GMTV with all the holiday makers ………………

I re-read some early entries to my blog this afternoon - I’ve not changed much since the day I started writing it - I still miss K with all my heart - I still want all the things I wanted 2 years ago.

Why am I so incapable of change?

Why am I stuck in this god damn fucking awful job - I’ve got to give up swearing I do it way too much I’ve noticed!

I am STUCK and it is making me so very unhappy.

I’m stuck in my life - I’m stuck in my grief - I’m stuck - and I don’t for the life in me know what to do anymore!

Honest I am totally out of idea’s on how to move my life forward.

I want so many things - things that others just take for granted.

I can’t afford to go to the hairdressers so I just think “fuck it - why bother even washing these fucking limp locks?” so I stick my hair up and hope for the best.

The last thing I bought for myself was a £5 top from Asda and a £5 pair of shoes also from Asda and that was with £10 my mum gave me for my birthday at the beginning of July.

I’ve got no make up - run out - I’ve not had any perfume for over a year - My work shoes are almost worn through and I’ve not got 1p in the bank!

I know the easy answer is to sell the house but it won’t solve a thing - it would just make matters worse as rents are higher than my mortgage repayments!

ARGH! I am so sick of everything - so sick of spinning these thoughts round and round and round in my head.

V hasn’t spoken to me since I spoke to him on Facebook that night - which has disappointed me no end as I really tried hard to be witty and nice - See I am just getting no where and it is seriously not only winding me up but wearing me down!

I just woke up from the most weird dream.

It was so real it felt like I was in a film.

I was moving house with a cast of people:

K
B & my 3 Grandbabies
H & Tidgy Gd
Steve Wright (from radio 2)
And various extra’s

Scene 1:

We were in a smallish removal van and I was driving - we were all hungry so I drove down this street looking for a café but the van was too big to manoeuvre down this narrow road - I had no choice but to keep going so I drove on.

We came to this tunnel and Steve Wright was saying that I was ok and I could make it so I drove on - I got to the end and the van got stuck.

Everyone was shouting at me - a crowd of people gathered and they were yelling at me calling me awful names …………..

Scene 2:

We had somehow got this van out of the tunnel and I was driving towards Tesco’s - I managed to park up - but again a crowd gathered and started to yell that I couldn’t bring a removal van into the car park - my companions were no where to be seen and I was trying to deal with this angry mob on my own.

Scene 3:

We arrived at this house - all my Grandchildren jumped out of the van and ran excitedly towards this dilapidated little bungalow - I was mortified - K and Steve Wright were chattering away about what repairs needed doing - B & H had vanished at this point - oh it was awful.

There was a tiny triangle of grass with no fence to the side of the bungalow with a path running through it - then there was a even smaller triangle of grass at the back with a beaten down old fence surrounding it - Steve Wright was saying it was big enough for me.

My Grandchildren had got bikes and scooters and balls out of the van and they were playing happily.

All these people were walking along this little path staring at me.

Scene 4:

We were all inside this bungalow and even though we had taken nothing out of the van it was part furnished. Steve Wright was on a computer and K was in bed saying he felt really poorly.

I was begging them to help me unload this van - knowing I had no choice but to live there. They wouldn’t move - they were just ignoring me - B & H we making something to eat and I was running round trying to get their attention but it was like I wasn’t there.

One of my managers kept ringing me asking when I’d have the van back and I kept telling her no one would help me unload it so I had no idea when it would be back!

She phoned and phoned and phoned me.

I was crying my eyes out - K was moaning on and on that he was too ill to help and everyone else just got on with what ever they were doing.

Scene 5:

I was sat in this triangle of grass - sobbing my eyes out when little GS came up to me and said

“Nanny you don’t like this bungalow do you”

I told him I didn’t and he went running off.

Everyone including my mum (who appeared from no where) came into the garden and they were all shouting at me asking why I hadn’t told them that I didn’t like it.

K shouted (kindly) to the Grandchildren to get the things back into the van and the all did.

We all got in and drove away.

I phoned my manager to say we were bringing the van back and she said

“before you do there’s one more house I want you to look at”

We drove up this street but I knew straight away I didn’t want to live there so I rang her back - she was furious yelling that I had to go and look at it.

Scene 6:

K was yelling at me - Steve Wright was yelling at me - B & H were yelling at me - all telling me I was a waste of space and that I shouldn’t have got everyone to come with me!!!!!

Then I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing - I took this weekend off work months ago as holiday - it was on call asking me if I could do tea’s tonight - I said a very firm NO!

Wish I knew someone who could tell me what that dream meant.

I’m fed up tonight - just got paid but by the time the bank took their money back I was left skint!

Ho hum!

I’ve had probably the worst ever week at work - as I have probably said 1 lady died - another is still in ICU & I’ve got two abuses cases on my hands!

To top it off one of the women I work with has made a terrible mistake and it has fallen on me to pick up the pieces of her actions so the family at least know she is getting the care she needs and deserves but it has been really hard going and very tough on me!

If I ever see this woman I am going to slap her bloody hard for the mess she has left me to deal with - I’ve got my manager prompting my every move even though I’ve only ever been to care for this woman once before - I got asked to do it as a favour from my manager - she trusted me to sort it all out and hopefully I have!

Other news:

My little granddaughter (B’s little girl) had some tests this week to see if she was diabetic - thankfully she has got the all clear which really is a tremendous relief!

Little GS has his bag packed for pre school and has been running round all week shouting “I’m going to the school house” why he calls it that I’ve no idea!!

Tiny Grandson has got his first two teeth. I can’t believe he will be one in a matter of a few weeks.

Tidgy GD went to the physiotherapist and she has got to have some special shoes made - she has got hyper mobility - her little feet feel like jelly to her so that’s why she is having problems walking - apparently it is very common in very premature babies - but anyone can have it - if you think how tiny and poorly she was its amazing that this is her biggest problem!

I’m bored and I’m just going to chatter rubbish if I carry on so I’ll leave it there for tonight!

Oh I don't want to go back to work this afternoon - I've been out since 6.30am and have been home for all of about 1/2 an hour! Not finishing till 6.30pm!

My phone has rung all day "can you fit this in"

I just want to scream "NO"

Oh well better get going!

I know I’ve got a ‘thing’ about not wanting people to think I am divorced - I’ve had it since the day K died - don’t know why I just don’t want to be ‘single’ - ‘single and widowed’ would have been ok but just not single!

Anyway the reason for this post is face book have finally created a ‘widowed’ status! Yeah ….

Some people have campaigned for ages for the change and tonight it happened!

Other news:

Another old lady has died. She was such a little sweetheart - I didn’t know her that well - not like Mrs P - but still it has upset me!

What is it with me and death? It like a bloody horror film “Death Surrounds Her” hmm!

Another one of my ladies is critically ill in ICU - she is at deaths door by all accounts.

See there’s another one - I am beginning to wonder if I’m cursed? Seriously ………..

Here’s a little list:

Patrick died - he’s not the first ex of mine to die - years and years ago a lad called Kevin wanted to be my boyfriend but he turned up for our first date in light blue denim - don’t ask me why that put me off him but it did. A few weeks later at just 17 yrs old he was getting off a bus in Lincoln and just dropped down dead. They found out he had a heart condition - poor lad.

Then there was Tim - Tim was my sisters best friends brother - a little lad with ginger hair and freckles - he wanted to be my boyfriend too but I didn’t fancy him one little bit - a few years later he died after being involved in a motorbike accident.

If that wasn’t enough to set me off panicking I had a boyfriend called Andy - he was a sweetheart - oh it’s a long story.

My dad was posted out to Germany in 1979 - just after I left school - because it was an emergency (can’t give details cos of official secrets act) we got bundled off to my Grans until accommodation for us became available.

Bearing in mind I was 16 - I just got my very first job - I was not amused and did not want to go!

We went to a small village in North Yorkshire where my gran was living at the time and we were there for about 6/7 weeks - I met a lad called Andy - who had a car and was exciting …. You get the picture.

Anyway cut a really long 6/7 week romance short - I got no joy from my parents when I begged to stay in UK and before I knew it I was flying off for a new life in West Germany.

Andy wrote to me every day - sending me presents - one of which was a pair of ruby earrings (which got lost in the car accident I was to have later)

In 1984 Andy was involved in a terrible car accident - he was driving along a road in gale force winds when a tree fell onto of his car.

Then my husband goes and dies on me - it would be fucking comical if it wasn’t so fucking sad!

Now there are no men in my life all the little old grannies are falling dead around me!
It’s ME isn’t it?

No kidding how do I rid myself of this curse?

tonight I logged onto my facebook to see a wall post from an old school friend - it was telling everyone that there would be a memorial service for Pat.

My heart sank a little and I hoped that I was wrong in assuming it was her brother Patrick - my first ever real boyfriend - by real I mean the first boyfriend I ever experimented sex with!

Sadly she wrote back saying it was him and that he died suddenly for no know reason and there is going to be an inquest.

I can't believe Patrick is dead.

I took some stick for being his girlfriend - he's was 13 going on 14 and I was 14 going on 15!

He was adorable - brown eyes - black hair - a right dare devil - oh god the memories are flooding back.

I remember going on holiday and we would phone each other from a pay phone - I'd phone him and he would phone me back - we were madly in love. Our song over that holiday was "when I need love" by Leo Sayer.

Oh I can't believe that Patrick is dead.

RIP Paddy - I never forgot you - sleep tight xxxxx

...........

My emails used to be buzzing - I'd log on and find loads in my inboxes! Now there is nothing - I don't even know why I bother looking.

My facebook used to be alive with requests and messages - now nothing!

My phone used to bleep with texts or ring to the point that I couldn't be bothered answering (I always did though) now - you've guessed it - nothing.

I am not exaggerating

I've never felt so lonley in my whole life as I do at this very second in time.

I have just spent the last 32 hours asleep - when I said I was tired I wasn’t joking.

I have never ever slept that long in all of my life - this job and it’s 12 hour days are doing my health no good at all.

When I woke up I realised it was Sunday so I went to look at postcard secret - as I do every Sunday.

I found this:

mom, i have seen what that job has done to you. i've never seen you so stressed and depressed in my life. honestly, if you went there with a gun, i wouldn't blame you. sometimes, the way you come home so sad, i want to go do it myself.

how about we don't give them the integrity of dying by our hands? how about we just forget them? come on, mom. let's do it. let's move to new york. i know this is all you've been waiting for; for me to say something.

you don't have to put up with their bullshit anymore.

it's ok, mom. I’m ready to go.

Well I am not about to go shooting anyone and to be perfectly honest my daughters don’t give a shit about what this job is doing to me but this is what I want someone to say to me.

It was like it was written for me.

Whilst discussing how I was feeling with someone the other day - the desire to move away and start a new life but being unable to do so as I would have to get a job in place with only a handful of jobs on offer - mainly in care homes I was asked “why don’t you work from home?”

Work from home - brilliant solution but unless you are already employed by someone who would let you work from home I can’t see a way of doing it.

Something has got to change but again I don’t know how to make it happen. In the olden days K would have made it happen but on my own I am lost to know what to do.

I’d love to work from home - answering phone calls or typing away all day - as long as I had a guaranteed Income that I could live off - I could go to a financial advisor and see how I go about getting a mortgage so I could move away.

I don’t want to be pipe dreaming again - I can’t stand another week off this job - the thought of it coming up winter again and driving in the ice and snow is really worrying me!

Anyone know how you find ’proper’ well paid jobs working from home?

I’ve hit the bottom again!

I just can’t stop crying.

It’s not fair - I didn’t ask for my life to be like this. I didn’t make any decisions to make it turn out this way - I am trying so damn hard to make a go of it all and you’d think after 3 years I’d be getting there but I’m not.

I’m more screwed up now than ever - everything is wrong and as hard as I try to fix one thing something else falls apart on me/

I’ve had enough!

I’m so tired - I feel constantly drained - my body aches from my head to my toes - I just want to curl up again and hide.

Do you know I just don’t give a fucking stuffing hoot anymore about anything.

I can’t keep climbing that mountain anymore.

I am totally fucking sick of myself tonight!

I'm a bloody waste of space - day dreaming about things that I'll never get!

What's the point in wishing when I find it so fucking difficult to change anything?

I was chattering on today about wanting my house by the sea and I was asked if I could find 'work' to do from home!

So I googled every possible string of words - could I find anything? NO!

Working from home would solve every problem I've got - I could move and work - my pipe dreams are all I have but they are making me so miserable because for the first time ever in my life - I can't have what I want and I think not being able to have my own way is slowly driving me insane!

50 things to do before I get to old:

1) Ride a horse!
2) Windsurf
3) Own a snazzy little sports car!
4) Write a book
5) Move to the seaside
6) Combat my phobia’s (lots of them)
7) Go to a Ball in a beautiful gown
8) Own some silk sheets
9) Go to the Notting Hill carnival
10) Fly in a helicopter
11) Walk over burning coals
12) Visit Stonehenge
13) Have afternoon tea at the Ritz
14) Be on stage
15) Go to the ‘last night of the proms’
16) Go to Whitby’s Goth weekend - dressed up!
17) Sail on a ‘tall ship’
18) Dance in the rain!
19) Go in a hot air balloon
20) Watch the sun set and rise without sleeping (almost done that one haha!)
21) Drive with an ‘Ice trucker’
22) Have the BIGGEST party EVER!
23) Send a message in a bottle
24) Play under a waterfall
25) Go on an around the world cruise
27) Camp out in my garden!
28) Learn to read Tarot cards
29) Fly a kite
30) Hold a bird of prey
31) Own an authentic Tibetan prayer flag
32) Be given a Diamond - not a ring - just a diamond
33) Get a degree (Roll on October - I’m so excited)
34) Meet the Queen
35) Drive from Lands end to John O’groats in an open top car
36) Have dinner with Martin Sheen
37) Wear nothing but a long black coat!
38) Become disgustingly rich
40) Become a ‘true’ none conformist!
41) Make a difference to just one persons life!
42) Have my own ‘photo’ exhibition in Paris
43) Sleep just one night - the whole night through!
44) Sleep in a lighthouse
45) Live in a huge castle for a week
46) Have my very own Grand piano
47) Go to see the ‘Olympics’ when they come to England
48) Learn to Canoe
49) Own at least one very expensive pair of shoes
50) Find someone to love me

Can't remember if I've said but I've found the house of my dreams at the seaside.

It is totally affordable (if I sold this house) but it's in a place with no work!

I keep going to rightmove to look at it - I can see myself living in it - I've picked a colour scheme and know exactly what I'd do in every room - so why can't I stop the tears today? I can't bring myself to look at it ........... I just want it so badly that it is breaking my heart seeing it there without me in it!

I can see myself 'cooking' in the kitchen - I can see all my books on the shelves - I can see my cat laid on the rug in front of the open fire - I can see a window seat in the bedroom so I can watch the ships sailing by - I can see my patio table in the garden - I can see a spot where I could grow my own herbs - I can see where my washing would hang - I can see my dining room table with the patio doors open wide and my white curtains blowing in the wind.

I can see bunk beds in 1 of the bedrooms and little beds in another room - I can see the other room with a guest bed in for my girls or my mum and dad.

I can see my bedroom - my big bed with silk sheets - looking out on to the sea - which is a stones throw from the front door - uninterupted views it says - and its true! You can see nothing but the beach and the sea - and there will never be houses built or anything because the main road is right outside then a path then the beach!

I would give anything for that house!

I HATE MY JOB!

He's been on FB for hours and not said a word!

Fuck it - fuck it all!

I talked to V on Facebook for over 2 hours last night!!!! Oh my fucking goodness! (I am so tired today though haha)

I'd given up all hope - was just about to go to sleep and up he popped - and he stayed - I thought he's probably get bored and piss off but he didn't!

He chattered on about all sorts of stuff and actually made me laugh a few times

I have no idea if this will lead anywhere but I've decided just to chill out and take it as it comes!

Nothing ventured nothing gained & if I gain nothing I had a laugh doing it!

So he mailed me on Facebook the day before yesterday but never gave me anything really to reply to!

So do I?

A ) Just leave it (like H told me to)
B ) Just write a quick 'how r u?' or does that make me look desperate?
C ) Just ask him to shag me? Only joking!

No seriously I don't want a repeat of the knobhead G - I don't want to look like I am chasing him - he didn't say anything in this mail that warranted a relpy - he wrote it the day before yesterday and has made no further contact..........oh now I'm getting panicky thinking I'm reading the situation all wrong.

God this is hard - I've not had to even think about any of this in almost 30 years......Help?

I’ve just been talking to my neighbour R and her hubby (K and him got on really well) and I was telling her that I feel like a hypocrite and her hubby said to me

“Katie you’re not - as much as it pains me to say it K’s gone - you are free to do what you want - everyone knows you will always love and miss him but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a future!”

Funny thing is this afternoon I was talking to H about how I feel and she said almost the same thing “Dad’s gone mum how can you be a hypocrite?”

I my warped brain I feel like one but maybe I’ve just got to forget it and hope that people understand that - yes I love and miss him but it is ok for me to want another person in my life ……….it is ok isn’t it?

I know what part of my problem is - it’s just dawned on me!

I don’t want to be a hypocrite - how can I say I love and miss K then in the next sentence then say I like V or anyone else for that matter!

It’s not right - I can’t love K and then want another man can I?

I can’t miss him with all my heart but then ponder on having a relationship with anyone.

I can’t sit here and write that I never want another man in my life then in the next post write that I like someone - that makes me a hypocrite and I don’t want to be one of them!

Oh god do I have to stop loving and missing K to make it all ok? That’s never going to happen so it looks like I will flirt no more with no one ever again!

V is chatting to me on FB - I want it to lead somewhere but at the same time I am so terrified that I keep thinking about deleting him.

I'm bored again!

I can't afford any books I know there is the libary but ours is DIRE!

Damn drat and fucking shit bollox to being fucking poor!

Ooooo V has added me to his facebook!

Not sure I'm doing the right thing here!

I just caught myself flirting with B’s next door neighbour V again.

I haven’t seen him since he bought me that huge stick of rock - in fact I’ve not seen much of B and my Grandchildren in a while - her partner has had a lot of time off and I’m not allowed to see them when he is there!!!!!

I find V really easy to talk to - it’s natural - not forced!

I’m feeling really good today - no work till Tuesday - it’s B’s 27th Birthday and there was a ’bump and jump’ thing going on in the park.

We had a lovely time. Little GS had a fantastic time on the bouncy castle and the train - then we were blowing massive bubbles.

There was a jazz band playing and everyone was happy - there was a really nice atmosphere.

I do try to make the most of my weekends off………..even if that includes a little bit of harmless flirting! Secretly I wish he would ask me out - B would kill me - but I wouldn't say no!!!!!

For the last week or so I've been getting up feeling 103 - every limb in my body has ached - my back was so bad I couldn't stand straight!

I decided today that my matress might need turning - ok so I know deep down it's my old bones that creak and my job doesn't help - but I thought it would do no harm!

On my bedroom wall I have a black and white photograph that I took the day before the night K died - it is of a seagull against storm clouds taken in Bridlington - I used to have it in my dining room but brought it up here when I redecortated that room.

So there I was pulling my matress up and the next thing I know the photo (its a massive photo) comes crashing to the floor! The frame is broken into bits! (It cost me £60 to frame argh)

Anyway when it fell I thought "is that a sign" a sign to lift the black clouds from my life?

I'm sad that it fell and it can be re-framed but I'm not so sure I want it to be.

Sign or just an accident?

I've just been watching Big Brother and they were talking about how many people they had slept with - it's seems 50 is ok!

Maybe it's just me - middle aged and boring - 50 - jeepers I can't even find 1 - mind you I'm not looking!

50? My god I can't imagin what it must be like to sleep with that many different men!

I'd slept with about 5 fella's before meeting K - wonder if I'd have got to 50 if I'd not met him - Fuck I miss sex!

What I would give for a few one nighters.........guilt descending end of post!

Am I having a mid life crisis?

I don't want to re-live my youth - I just want to make up for lost time (if I could afford it)

Are they the same thing?

There's never been a 'perk' to my job until today!

One of my old bids - god love her - set her toast on fire this morning - alarms were ringing when I arrived - old men and women peering out of their doors - it was really rather comical!

Next thing I know I can here the fire engins - never thinking they would actually come into her room I got on writing her book - oh my heart fair skipped a beat when I looked round to see 4 firemen stood in the door way!

The old girl even invited them in for a cup of tea!

It's not as funny to tell as it was when it happened but it made my day!!!!!

PS: the job I heard about yesterday is no good for me as it is miles and miles from where I live - saw my manager and she says she will sort something out (again) this is their last chance as there are more care companies out there than the shitty one I work for!!!!!

Is it just me or is it warm? I'm bloody boiling laying here!

I was given a number for a job agency tonight - same line of work just a lot better pay and less stressful by all accounts - I will ring them tomorrow - fingers crossed!

I know I want to get out of caring but until I do I've got to make the most of it and I can not work for my company much longer!

Flipping heck I didn't get chosen to stand on the 'plinth'

The bank won't extend my overdraft but they will give me a credit card with a massive amount of money to spend on it - how stupid is that?

Still at least I can use the card to get my car fixed and taxed and mot'ed!

I had a really horrible dream last night.

I was in a pub with my mum and dad and K walked in (this is probably only my 4th dream with him in since he died) it was like he’d never died.

The barmaid said to me “who is that man”

I replied “my husband”

So she went up to him and said “you do know how many affairs she’s had whilst you’ve been away don’t you?”

He looked at me so hurt

I just looked back and said “but you died - I had to get on with my life”

He just sat sobbing really heart broken sobs asking me over and over how I could have done this to him ………

I woke up so upset - as everyone is well aware I’ve not been near another man in over 3 years - so why did I dream this? It’s caused me to be upset all day.

Some mighty odd things have happened in the last couple of days - I swear these incidents are true - I don’t think I am going barking mad but who the fuck knows?

Two days ago I went to the house of a couple that I care for. As I walked down the path the door opened - I saw the handle go down - I was not seeing things - I walked in and looked behind the door expecting to see the husband but he wasn’t there so I called out and a little voice came back (his wife) saying he wasn’t in he’d gone shopping.

At first I thought she was joking but she wasn’t - he was defiantly not in that house and there is no way in hell she could have opened the door as she can’t walk …………………….

This morning I got a phone call from H asking if I had opened the biscuits! Tidgy GD had made some biscuits for D at nursery for Fathers day. They were in green paper then wrapped in gold cellophane with a little red bow around them. I hadn’t seen them for ages and just assumed that he’d eaten them………that was until I got the phone call.

She said she had found the packet and the biscuits in the middle of the rug in my living room ………two of them had bites taken out of them - when I saw them they weren’t really bite marks more like someone had broken a tiny bit off.

Anyway I asked her if she thought that cats had got them ……….no way in hell did the cats get them …….they had been in a draw for weeks - the ribbon was taken off and the cellophane was untouched as was the green paper - they weren’t torn or ripped - it was just like someone had undone them…………………

Tonight I nipped out with H as I thought I’d lost my reading glasses (I must get my eyes tested reading is getting more and more difficult without my reading glasses) they are only £2.99 in Poundstrecher so we went to get some - she laughed when I tried them off and said I looked like Harry Potter.

When I came upstairs I looked at myself in my wardrobe mirror - I’ve got 6 mirrored doors (I hate them) when I open them 2 open at once if you know what I mean……..so anyway I looked and thought they didn’t look that bad - the glasses that is.

I went downstairs and played with Tidgy until bath time when I came back up to go to the loo before going to give her, her bath. I got the bloody shock of my life when I noticed that my wardrobe doors were open………………I DID NOT open them………………………………........................................ Make of it what you will but I’m becoming very freaked out!

PS: I found my reading glasses they were on my bedside cabinet.........