I've just been watching Ross Kemp in Nigeria.

"You've got to get a grip Katie" Thought I!

Those poor people and I mean poor people do with out all the 'mod cons' I find myself living with but now as I lay here in bed absolutly dreading the morning I got to thinking maybe their lives are rich in a way that I could never understand.

Do they bemoan their lot like I do or are the resigned to their lives?

Why can't I be happy?

Simple - the love of my life died - my life changed beyond comprehension and I'm still lost in a world I don't like very much.

Could I ever be happy again?

I can't answer that one - I ask myself time and time again "what will it take" my answer is "my old life back" the one where I could do what I want when I want and not worry - we didn't have much money but that didn't matter then - the bills got paid - there was food in the fridge and I had clothes on my back - now the bills are being paid by a card thing I take to the shop - food? Can't remember the last time I had a piece of meat and as for the clothes on my back - besides one or two things every thing in my wardrobe is over 3 years old.

I'm so depressed again - my panic attacks are on the increase - even though I am trying hard to ignore them - I surrender - I just haven't got any fight left in me anymore - I just don't know what else to do ...............