parallel universe

I’ve spent much of the day trying to decide why I can never be satisfied with anything.

How do I justify my own misery?

Firstly I guess my hopes and dreams were shattered the night K died - we had so much to look forward to and it was gone in a split second. Coming to terms with that has been very difficult - I’m not sure I fully have - why take him just as we were going to start a new phase in our lives?

So with those hopes and dreams gone and the need to make a new life for myself I’m left still wanting things we wanted together - for example: moving away from here, but I want more things for myself - things I couldn’t have when K was alive as his illness prevented it.

So my dissatisfaction comes from my inability to obtain these new things.

I’m so angry with myself all the time. I work hard in a job I hate but still I don’t get the holidays in the sun or the weekends away like lots of the people I know do.

Half a dozen women from my work went to Spain at the weekend for a hen party - how do they afford it? They work much the same hours as I do!

I suppose it is different as they all have partners or husbands - I tend to forget I’m holding it altogether by myself - suppose I should be proud of that?

Trouble is I want more than just holding it together - I want a new pair of shoes - I want a new lipstick - I want to buy my grandbabies the odd present - I know they don’t know any different but it would make me feel happy to see their little faces light up. I want to go to Spain for the weekend or Amsterdam - I’ve only ever had one holiday ’abroad’ in my 45 years on this earth.

My life changed massively (obviously) when K died but …………oh I can’t explain this bit - it didn’t change enough - see that doesn’t make any sense and to people who’ve not lost their life long partner it would be even harder to understand - what I guess I am trying to say is:

I am still living the life I was but without K in it. If I have to live without him - which again obviously I do - I want a different kind of life! I want to feel financially secure and be able to join in with things that cost money.

I’m just fed up of living a half life! Why keep me alive to let me keep living in poverty and misery?

For fuck sake it's raining ........

I finally bought a new computer today!

I was so excited bringing it home but do you know what? It's not that excting, it's just the same as any other lap top - only difference is it's got a working CD Rom!

Still it's mine and I am really grateful for it

I wish finding a life was a simple as buying a comp!

I'm bored - I don't know why I took a week off!

When I went on holiday with B & my grandbabies it was ok because there was always something to do - stuck at home on my own isn't much fun!

As usual I can fill the days but not the evenings.

I can hear all the other families around me laughing and chattering and I want to scream - I'm so lonley!

Why is it that it feels like everyone but me has a happy life?

I've just heard back from Working Tax Credits and I'm allowed £29 a week - yippeeee!

That money will make SUCH a difference to me.

I cried my eyes out when I read the letter, I'm so grateful.

I replied and told him to enjoy his life - plain and simple!

Why does the sun make me feel horny?

It's not fair - I don't want a relationship I just want sex!

Any idea's - besides selling my body - on how I can raise £4,000 by christmas.

H has decided she is going to get married in Las Vegas - they've paid their deposit and for the wedding - and I am utterly heart broken as there is no way in hell me and B can afford to go.

I'm so sad and upset I just don't know how me and B can raise the money we need - we can't miss H's wedding - knowing my little girl is thousand of miles away on her big day and we are sat at home - why she has to go there I don't know but I can't in all honesty spoil her dream ........I'm just broken hearted!

Idea's welcome

I've just been watching something that made me think about my blog.

There is so much more to me than I write about on here and I sometimes wonder why I hide it away.

I'm not prim or proper - I'm not an - oh what do you call them? Hmm them people that wear bling? Ah Chav .........

I've got lots of sides to me - and I can't decide whether to write about my 'darker' or 'lighter' sides - all I ever seem to do these days is moan about that fucking job!

I guess I just don't want to cause offence but then hardly anyone reads what I write so it wouldn't matter but then I don't want to shock people either ........

I might have to start another blog "the darker side of Katie" the one that just wants to talk about the sex I've found myself living without for over 3 years ...........Dunno!

OMG that place was awful - pay was fucking ridiculous and the hours were just as bad so for now I'm going to have to stay put!

I decided to call in at the chip shop on the way home and took a short cut only to bump into a woman from my work. I got talking to her and told her I'd been for an interview and she said to me that she would rather stay with the devil she knows until she gets out of 'caring' altogether.

I know she is right so I'm just going to have to look harder and wish harder for a miracle.

I just wish I could stop feeling so dissatisfied with everything.

Am I jumping from one to another going for this interview?

Oh I don't flipping well know!

I don't want to work as a 'carer' but no one else will give me the opportunity to do anything else.

I feel brain dead tonight.

It's been a REALLY horrid week - rounded off by a man with dementia running round semi naked screaming for his son who wasn't there!

Highlight of my day however was a little old lady saying to me

"I've really enjoyed your company today - wish you could come more often"

Bless.................

If it wasn't for the stupid fucking rounds they give me I think I'd keep going till someone gave me a chance but I can't ......my heart is thumping knowing I've got to work 10 hours shifts next week with only a 15 minute break in my day!

It's making me feel sick to think that they think they can do this to me!

I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK! He would have told me months ago to tell them to fuck off!

ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH!

Jeepers I so want to do something exciting - something daring - out of my comfort zone!

I don't care what - just something that is EXCITING - something to look forward to.

I'd love to be plodding through London or Paris or Moscow right this second now - instead of dreading going back to work - I would love to be sailing in the solent or canoeing down some dangerous river (never been in a canoe in my life)or on a 'great train journey' through China or Siberia.

I want to be in India taking photo's - or on a ship sailing to New Zealand where I can absail down .........what ever you absail down in NZ!

I'd like to be in a speeding car driving round anywhere .......the faster the better!

I'm SO BORED!

Why do I look at web cams - glimpses of other people's lives - snippets of other countries - ..........why do I make myself unhappy?

Last night I had a dream that I was walking towards a really big house but with every step I took I could hear the tinkling of bells.

I bent down and under my feet was a row of tiny little bells so instead of walking I crawled along picking each one up and put them in my pocket.

I looked up 'bells' in the dream book and it says:

If the bells are ringing you are suffering from high anxiety - No shit!

Oh I just looked up crawling and it says:

You may be lowering yourself and your standards - you may be doing less than your best!

That is EXACTLY what I feel I am doing!

I've never had a truer dream in my life!

I've just been watching Ross Kemp in Nigeria.

"You've got to get a grip Katie" Thought I!

Those poor people and I mean poor people do with out all the 'mod cons' I find myself living with but now as I lay here in bed absolutly dreading the morning I got to thinking maybe their lives are rich in a way that I could never understand.

Do they bemoan their lot like I do or are the resigned to their lives?

Why can't I be happy?

Simple - the love of my life died - my life changed beyond comprehension and I'm still lost in a world I don't like very much.

Could I ever be happy again?

I can't answer that one - I ask myself time and time again "what will it take" my answer is "my old life back" the one where I could do what I want when I want and not worry - we didn't have much money but that didn't matter then - the bills got paid - there was food in the fridge and I had clothes on my back - now the bills are being paid by a card thing I take to the shop - food? Can't remember the last time I had a piece of meat and as for the clothes on my back - besides one or two things every thing in my wardrobe is over 3 years old.

I'm so depressed again - my panic attacks are on the increase - even though I am trying hard to ignore them - I surrender - I just haven't got any fight left in me anymore - I just don't know what else to do ...............

I got told off at work today and granted I should have been!

I left someones back door unlocked - I felt sick when I realised - trouble is now I'm even more determinded to get out of there!

I've spent all afternoon looking for a new job and yeah I can find a few but am I qualifide? I don't even need to give the answer to that one!

I am so so sick of looking for something - anything - when I know before I even start 'I'm not qualified'!!! ARGH!

I have found a few really interesting jobs but they all say "must have experience" life experience counts for NOTHING it is SO aggrivating!

How can a person get to the age of 45 and not know which way to turn!

I could strangle K if he was still alive - he was the one who didn't want me to work - he was the one who always put obsticals in my way if the subject of me working was ever brought up!!

It makes me so MAD!

I can't apply for Admin jobs because I've not got a bit of paper that says I can use a fucking computer....how pathetic is that?

Moany moany moany I know but it is all part and parcle of my utter frustration with everything.

I've got no money doing this lousy fucking job - so I've not got a social life AT ALL anymore - I'm too tired to even look outside my little box to find something to do - driving round all day makes me so weary that my levels of concentration are fucking shot to pieces by the time I get home!

I just need someone to say "Hey Katie - this is your chance grab it and hold on tight cos this is the begining of the rest of your life"

Fat chance that will ever happen hey?

Why do SO many things piss me off?

What do I really want?

I want to move away from here.

I want to fly kites (but at 45 and on my own I don't think it will happen)

I want to ride in a hot air balloon.

I want to sail down the Yangtze river.

I want to stop in a tent in Nepal.

I want to go to the theatre.

I want to go to Bristol to see the ''Banksy's' exhibition

I want to go to Brighton to see why I am drawn there!

I want to expermiment with sex - but no one will have me!

Talking of sex I want to fuck outside in an alley way in London!

I want to do an open university degree in Humanities (just waiting on the information)

I want to take up my photography again.

I want to live in France for a few years!

I want to go on a round the world cruise.

I want my own swimming pool!

I want my own caravan to escape to!

I want to cook!

I want to drive in the rain to a cosy hotel and fuck the night away!

I want to go camping.

I want to go up mount snowdon on the train (too unfit to walk it haha)

I want to write and write and write some more.

I want proper silk sheets for my bed.

I want people to understand my 'black' humour!

I want to lie in every day for a month!

I want someone to lie in bed with for that whole month haha!

I want peace and quiet for a week.

....................... and there I shall end for tonight!

I wish 'Psychic Lil' at work would tell me why I keep thinking about Brighton.

All day long I've just had thought after thought about the place and I've only ever been there once.

Since K died it's the only place that crops up in my mind time after time - I'd never been before he died and I thought that once I'd actually got myself there I wouldn't think about it again but I have ....

Why Brighton?

If I could have a lifetime wish
a dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
I know because I've tried
And neither will a million tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind my broken heart
and happy memories too
I never wanted memories...
I only wanted you.

It should/would have been K's 52nd Birthday tomorrow.

I didn't realise till earlier tonight how sad it was making me so I've rung in work and taken the day off.

K never had a birthday party. Not until he was 34!

He was sent away at the tender age of 6 to a public school where he was a boarder for the next 10 years - so he never got a proper birthday party.

I remember he'd gone on and on about it one year so me and the girls made him a proper birthday tea - sandwiches and cakes and jelly and ice cream - we bought hats and whistles and banners - I couldn't imagin not having had parties when I was younger so we tried to make the day extra special for him.

How I would love for him to tip up tomorrow and we could do it all over again instead of taking 'flowers' to his grave.

I used to hate Sunday nights - they used to fill me with dread!

Now

Sunday night is my most favorite night of the week when I have to work the weekend (Still hate them when I don't work the weekend - most boring day of the week)

It's my day off tomorrow so I can stay up late Wow!

I know to most people it probably sounds pathetic but when you hate your job as much as I do knowing that I don't have to be out of the door at 6.30am means so much to me!

I'm not feeling to good tonight either so I'm snugged up in bed and plan to stay here till 8am when I have to get up to watch tidgy whilst H goes to work.

2 extra hours in bed!!!!

I've been doing my tea round with a woman who claims she is psychic and that she has been used by the police to solve crimes...

Although I don't believe she freaks me out - I want her to say something but she never does so she must know that only more bad things are going to happen in my life otherwise she would say something to me.

Trouble is she is really nice and I get on well with her - we had a right laugh tonight but always in the back of my mind I'm thinking "what does she know that she's not telling me?"

But I don't believe in psychics so why am I letting myself feel this way - am I so desparate to know K is ok?

Oh why did they have to put her with me? It's doing my mental health a lot of damage!

And the point is?