parallel universe

If I could ask just two more questions for the rest of my life the questions would be

1..... Why did K and my Granddaughter have to die?

2..... Why do I feel so much guilt whenever I feel happy - even for the slightest second?

Well whether it was right or wrong to flirt with V it brought it's rewards in the shape of a stick of 'blackpool rock' and what an enormous piece of rock it is too

I had a really lovely relaxing day yesterday with B and my Grandbabies - I never knew sandpits could be such fun!

I am a little embarrassed though this morning.

I caught myself flirting with B's next door neighbour V.

I woke up in the middle of the night wishing I hadn't been so stupid - cringing at my behaviour.

Why do I do this to myself?

No one is ever going to be interested in me - my only 'date' fell flat - G treated me like shit and there I was acting like a stupid middle aged slapper with her next door neighbour - what the hell was I thinking!

Before K died I had a plan.

I knew he would die deep in my mind - I never accepted what the doctors told me - but I knew I had to have a plan just in case.

The plan was to sell my house and use the pension money to buy a flat.

That was my plan - not much of a plan hey!

When he died I found out I wasn't able to have the pension money in a lump sum instead I had to have monthly payments!

So in the very first few weeks my little plan was scuppered!

I tried to make new plans - but I was in no fit state really.

I decided that I wasn't going to waste my 'talent' in photography but every time I picked up the camera I went to pieces.

You see before he died 'we' had plans.

He was going to take early retirment - sell the house - and start our own business - we were going to buy a barge and live happy ever after.

I had to then sit back and think about what I could do to make money - there was no insurance payout for me - so I lived on our savings.

So what had I done in the past that might work for me in my future?

I'd worked at a community radio station for a while - when K was well enough for me to do it - so I wrote letters - checked out all our local stations - nothing!

I eventually looked at the community radio web site and to my amazment they had 'reporters' jobs at £7.50 an hour going! I rang straight away but was rejected on the grounds that I didn't live in a certian postcode area - they are funded by some European fund which excluded me from applying - so that was that!

After that I looked for jobs in the 'arts' but they are all down in London - and those very few that weren't needed qualifications I didn't have.

I'm not the type of person who can sit still all day typing (although I love to write) I've had a 'fear' of working in an office type envirorenment since I was forced into typing and office practice at school at the age of 14 - my heart was set on Drama school but my dad said 'no way' so I turned into a 'rebel - ran away from home blah blah' and vowed never ever to work in an office!

So what next?

When I was on hoilday I was watching the people on stage and thinking that could have - or should have been me - years ago - I'm too old now but it got me thinking about joining a dramatic arts group so I searched for one local to me - I looked at the photos on the web site - men with beards put me off straight away! Silly reason I know but to me its a valid one!

I wrote a book 2 years ago and sent it off to a few publishers - I thought that idea was good 'a phone call from heaven' it wasn't called that it was about that. Obviously it got rejected so I gave up as it was just to hard to lay myself open like that to be rejected.

I'm not the worlds best writer but I gave it a go!

To end a long story I was running out of money and needed a job fast when B phoned me to tell me about a job 'home caring' well if I could do nothing else I could do that after all I'd cared for K for 15 odd years.

I got the job and if anyone reads this blog of mine you know what happened next!

I hate it.

My heart lies beyond my capabilities I think - no I am capable I just can't move down south.

At almost 46 what I want to do is now out of my reach - so I'm lost in a world where I can't do what I want because of my age or lack of qualifications in that area or I'm not good enough (my book)

My dream job would be to work in a museum photographing and logging artifacts but..........

I wish with all my heart I could write for a living.

“To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life--like being blown out as one blows out a light.”.......Evelyn Scott

I'm hot - I've run out of cigs - I'm tired but can't sleep!

Work has been so stressful this weekend - 11 people - yes 11 people phoned in sick!

At one stage I wanted to switch my phone off and just drive away from it all - but then you see the little faces who've been waiting for you and me being me, melts and carries on!

Doesn't stop me hating my job with a passion but I do like some of my old Bids! They are humans with feelings when all is said and done.

Scares me though sometimes - 1 old lady I go to has been a widow for over 30 years and she's never been with another man.

I'd hate that to be me - but then I think besides sex why do I need a man - then I think for the company - someone new and interesting in my life - but then I don't think I'd ever find anyone who shares my secret fetishes!

Oh my head is so fucked up - I wish it wasn't - I wish I knew what I wanted from my life - what would entertain me - what would keep my brain occupied - what would thrill me - I've no idea!

I've hit rock bottom again!

I was so fed up last night I just wanted to tear out my hair and run round my house smashing everything into tiny bits.

WHY WON'T SOMEONE GIVE ME A CHANCE????????????????????????????

I CAN NOT STAND MY JOB ANOTHER DAY!

I'm just too depressed to muster up the energy to write at the moment!

I'm feeling so down this morning.

I had a conversation with my neighbout last night - she's unhappy and worried her marriage isn't going to survive as he wants to move a long way away and she doesn't.

She was chattering on about what she had been up to and I was thinking "your life is here isn't it" She'd been to see her mum and various other family members - anyway it got me thinking

Why have I never felt happy here in this shitty little town?

My life is here - but unlike my neighbour who has zillions of mates and goes out for lunch or an evening meal or off to the clubs at the weekend - I sit home alone! Not much of a life hey!

Funny thing is I've tried so hard to change my life here - even before K died - I went to night classes - maybe it's me? Maybe I am just one of those people who will never have friends - I must be flawed somehow but I can't figure out why or what that or those flaw/flaws are.

Is it because K and I never went to the pubs or clubs? I can't say that it is because I know people - I've just got no friends!

I always think it's the place I live that makes me so unhappy but maybe its me ........maybe I'm just not likeable?

I know I've got a 'posh voice' not a broad yorkshire accent like everyone else - people still say to me after 25 years of living here "your not from round here are you" my voice isn't my fault and surely people can't be that shallow that they aren't willing to give me a chance just because I've not got a local accent!

I don't know where this post is leading - I think I realised after talking to R last night - walking away from here isn't the answer ..................but fuck knows what is!

What a week.

I should really have taken a few days off work instead of just the one because when I got back on Thursday I just kept looking at everyone thinking "why are you still alive when my husband is dead" I know it sounds an awful thought to have - but there you go - I'm not perfect and thoughts like this do cross my mind!

I was in one hell of a mood on Thursday - work are pissing me off again - they just won't fucking listen to what I am saying so I've phoned the HSE and I am going to talk to someone on Monday about the issues I am having in moving and handling 19 men a day. FFS I'm only 5'4 some of these men are over 20 stone - they won't give me my old round back - I could be paranoid and say they are trying to get rid of me but I can't see why?

Anyway work is really a side issue - I just want my life to change now - I've started to want things - have hopes and dreams of my own - I realised that although I think about K I'm no longer thinking "he wouldn't like me to do that" I can have a life without him or the guilt I've felt for such a long time.

I've got to make a massive effort over the next few months to sort out what I really do want out of my life and go get it!

......I was sat in a pub with some friends from College - we weren't going to get time to meet up for a few weeks as it was all systems go for our end of year exhibitions!

I was so behind with all of my work as K had been in and out of hospital for months - I knew I had so much to catch up on and had no idea how I was going to do it.

On this morning 2 years and 364 days ago K and I planned to go take the photos' I needed for my exhibition - we went to the coast - when we arrived in Scarborough it was so foggy I could have cried - we'd left a wonderful sunny day at home and swapped it for sea fret!

I wasn't supposed to be taking photos' of the sea - I'd planned on doing rubenesque style nudes in the landscape - but I didn't have time to plan it not with all my tooing and froing from the hospital.

So at the last minute I was allowed under the circumstances to change my idea - I set off to try and recapture the 1950/60's seaside holiday snaps in black and white.

We had lunch in Scarborough then drove over to Bridlington - K did his dialysis exchange in the car and then I wheeled him to an amusment arcade where I left him so I could go and do what I needed to do.

I was busy taking photos' and was oblivious to the storm clouds that were building up behind me - next thing I know I'm stood on the end of the peir in a thunder storm. Soaked wet through I went to find K and to tell him I was giving up and was going to ask if I could re-sit the year as I really had no time to do anything else.

When I found him he was shivering and shaking - he said he was just cold so I somehow ran him back to the car and went in search of a cup of tea for him.

He said he was warming up and told me to carry on - we then drove over to Flamborough head where I took a few more photos' as the storm had passed.

When I got back to the car I realised that he wasn't just cold he was unwell. His temp was high and he looked awful - so I drove back home as fast as I could.

In the pervious months he'd been in and out of hospital with one infection after another - the routine was always the same - antibiotics - paracetamol and a fan!

When we got home I got the fan out and gave him so paracetamol - he insisted I went out - although by this time I was getting tired and didn't really want to go but he kept saying "I don't want to ruin your day - I'll be ok"

About 10.30/11pm (memory on exact time has faded) H rang me to ask me to come home as he was getting worse - so I did.

As soon as I got in I knew he'd have to go to the hospital so I rang 999. I'd done this so many times before it was just 'one of those things' nothing unusual.

Little GS was only a few weeks old so H agreed to come with me instead of B - so we followed the ambulance.

Nothing was different about that night - we'd been through the same thing time and time and time again - we knew what would happen from taking him temp to his x ray - they said they would put him on the observation ward over night and transfer him to Leeds the next morning.

We were waiting for a bed - same as normal - he had an intravenous drip of antitbicotics put in and it was at this point H noticed his eyes roll - I thought he was having a hypo - something I'd seen a million times before - however the nurse took one look at him and calmly said "I need some help in here" next thing I knew doctors and nurses were flying all over - they grabbed the bed and started to run - my brain just couldn't take it in 'he was having a hypo why the fuck were they running' I don't remember anyone saying anything at all to indicate he was having a heart attack - maybe there's a secret code so's not to worry people.

H and I followed and I just remember her screaming and I turned and saw the paddles in a nurses hands. Then someone ushered us into this room where I paced up and down for what seemed like hours.

H rang B and she got a taxi with little GS but by the time she got there it was too late.

I knew in my heart he was dead even before they told me but my head just kept saying 'he's ok!'

Then this doctor came in with 3 nurses - he just said to me "I'm sorry something drastic went wrong and he's dead"

I flew at him screaming that they'd killed him - the only thing I remember clearly was saying "I've looked after him for 15 years - you get your hands on him for 15 minutes and he's dead"

Seconds later B walked in with Little GS in his car seat - H said she yelled 'what the fuck is happening' but I don't remember that.

We were then told we would have to see a policeman - we were asked if there was anyone they could ring - I said "no I would do it" So I rang my mum followed by K's mum.

When I finally got home hours later I just laid there watching the time tick round - I didn't know what to do - didn't know how I'd ever get through that day - I still don't know how I did it - I still wonder why I did it - I still wonder why we couldn't have gone together in a crash or something - why was I left behind.

I wonder all the time 'what if.......' I know it doesn't help but nothing is helping - yeah time is helping me piece back together what life I have but nothing is helping me mend my heart.

I miss him as much now as I ever did. Yeah I get cocky and brave and think it's time to march a new man into my life but I don't want that really - I still love and miss K too much.

I do need changes in my life and big ones at that - he would be so mad at me for missing opportunities but they are not so easy to take when you are alone with hardly a penny to your name!

I'll keep going as I have and I'll keep asking the cosmos to guide me in a new direction as the path I have got on is not the right one for me - I hate him for leaving me - I hate him for leaving me penniless and unskilled but I've got to make my own way now and I will keep trying.

Well G did it again and this time I've laughed rather than got upset.

He said his 'mental state' won't allow him to see me again.........what the fuck?

I am also 'tenacious' - never thought of myself like that - yeah I do tend to argue my point but I don't think that's what he meant - though what he did mean I have no idea as the context of the word wasn't right!

I know after trying for a 2nd time I am better off out of there - he's a bloody strange person.

Anyway - with all this in mind and being widowed for 2 years 363 days - I want to find someone now to share my life.

Where the fuck do I start looking?

Why does time move fast when you want it to go slow and slow when you want it to go fast?

I've spent a wonderful afternoon with my girls and grandbabies - we've sat out in the sun and just chatted and played - I only felt sad once and a lump appeared in my throat - I'm finding it hard to believe that on Wednesday K will have been dead and gone 3 years. The afternoon went so quick

I know I grumble on but I have started to get more pleasure out of life - little things that go wrong don't send me into an outside loop anymore - in fact I think I cope really well with most things.

I'm not dreading Wednesday not like I did the first year or even the second - of course I still miss him but I've gradually grown so used to being on my own - so used to him not being here..............it doesn't feel like 3 years have past - sometimes it's like a day and I expect to go to the hospital to see him - then other days it feels like 100 years since he died ........see what time can do?

Blimmey so much has happened this week.

H's plane was delayed from Portugal so I ended up driving up the M62 in the middle of the night to collect them.

Talk about scared stiff but I did it and I was proud of myself - only trouble is I've not caught up on my sleep since and I've been really late to work for the last two days!

The day after I picked them up my car broke down (thank god it wasn't on the motorway) apparently the 'coil spring' had broken ......... he said it was undrivable!

It's all fixed now - thank god I got that credit card is all I can say.

Tonight I had G over - we've made friends and everything seemed to go ok - hope he doesn't blow me out again - don't think I could stand it a second time not so close to K's anniversary!!

Will write more tomorrow - day off - yipeeee!!!!!

I just got back from a really nice night out with my neighbour R.

We went for a meal 5 courses for £8.95.

I had a really nice time and we've agreed we should do it again.

I like my neighbour I've never really (how many times can I write really?) mentioned her before but her dad died 1 year and 4 days before K.

She has been very supportive of me and I've got a lot to thank her for!

I've got to be at work in 15 mins and I just can't drag myself out of bed!

It's pouring down with rain and cold ............

It's not even lunch time and I am having the worst day ever!

Wish I was out with someone nice 'doing lunch' instead of doing what I am about to go and do!

I hate this round with a passion - I talked to my manager this morning and told her I do not want to do it next week she was really nice about it actually and she promised me a pick of the 'tea rounds' so lets see what happens when I get my rota on Friday.

I also refused to go to 1 man - I can not stand him - too longer story for now!

Fingers crossed she keeps her promise and things go back to normal next week.

Over the past few months H has taken up residency on my sofa - why should that bother me?

For months now I've either had to sit in the chair or in my bed - why should that bother me?

Because I no longer get to gawp at Mr Over the Road!

However tonight I am sat on the sofa and already I've seen him twice - he is just so dreamy - I so wish he wasn't with Mrs OTR but he is so I've just got to accept that all I will ever do is admire from afar!

Fuck he's one mega fit dude - he so turns me on - wonder what he'd think if he knew haha!!

Oh heaven forbid!

I am dreading utterly dreading work tomorrow.

I've tossed and turned all night long - I do not want to go back on that round - I've been trying to figure out what to say to my manager on Tuesday

Why won't the cosmos listen to me and help me out?

I've spent the last 2 hours looking for something else but after so many rejections - or no replys to my applications I'm almost to scared to apply for anything else - although there really isn't much out there!

I don't want to feel as ill as I did a few weeks ago - my back was so bad I could hardly walk - I hate feeling this trapped.

I now know what other people do on their rounds and compared to the 'piss and shit' round they have it easy!

I'm fed up of having no one to talk to about all this .................

I slept the whole night through last night for the first time in 3 years - I know it doesn't sound much to most people but it was a real achievement to me.

Question is do I feel better for it? Hmm suppose so - just wish I'd slept longer but at least I didn't wake up like I have been doing.

I've only worked for 2 and a half days out of the last 15 or so - maybe that's got something to do with it. I'm not stressing out.

H not being here has given me a chance to really spring clean and I mean clean - I've just got some washing to hang out this morning and that's me done - it's taken me 3 days to get my house in my order - I'm dreading her coming home cos I know it will be a tip within 24 hours - so I'm just going to make the best of the peace and quiet and enjoy my tidy house.

I've also been eating better over the last couple of weeks - my appetite picked up whilst I was on holiday and I've been able to eat what I want when I want since Thursday - none of this 'waiting till tiny GD is in bed" (8pm) malarky! By 8pm I'm ready for bed most nights never mind wanting to cook!

I've realised some things are really going to have to change when they get back - I can hear the rows already but I'm going to battle on.

It's not fair that I work so damn hard and get no help around the house!

Ho hum - I'm not going to worry about it till Thursday (when they come back) I've had a lovely few days and I'm not going to spoil them by getting upset over what's to come!

Everywhere I go at the moment this is on the radio

I LOVE this tune!

In 11 days time K will have been dead 3 years.

3 whole years - why does it still feel like yesterday?

I still miss him - there's not a day goes by that I don't wish he was still here but I often wonder that if I wasn't so lonley that I would miss him as intensely as I do.

If I was happier with my life would that massive hole he left be closing better than it is?

I'm fed up of people saying to me "oh we must have a good night out" but never mentioning it again. I'll say "are we going to go out then" - "yeah of course we are" but it never happens.

There's nothing I can do about moving until the house market picks up a bit - I found some reading groups to go to be they are all at lunch time - something I'm not often offerded!

J moved away - C is moving next month - I don't see anyone at all from the widows group anymore (though that was in part my choice) S mails me from time to time but that's it!

I've looked at 100's of pics of men at online dating sites but never found even 1 I'd consider - not 1! Does that mean I'm too picky?

Oh dear lord I don't want to be this unhappy anymore - I want things that 'normal' people have - I seem to live in a massive bubble that excludes me from what I'd call 'real life' every day I feel like I'm playing this awful game called 'life' but I keep rolling the dice and always end up at square one! Moving a few paces forwards and thrice that back!

I know I am the only one who can change anything - I am trying believe it or not - I'm just not getting very far!

I'm bored!

Another weekend home - alone this time