parallel universe

Well they've gone.

D's dad is taking them to the airport and I am picking them up next week.

I'm going to stay awake till 5.55am then I am phoning in sick!

I went for my rota on Tuesday and they had forgotten me - I had no work! They managed to find me some but only because someone was off sick - that someone being H's best friends husband - he's going to be off for weeks - he's told work he's torn his bicep but I know differently.

He's got two job interviews next week - fair play to him - I'm envious because he's going to get out of it all - however because he is doing this they have now stuck me back on that disgusting round - the filth and shit one! I am so unhappy.

I was just about coping getting the old dears their breakfast - micro meals and sandwiches - I've grown fond of a few of them and what do the office do?

So today I'm taking a sickie - I really don't give a toss about the money anymore - next week I am going to do the filth and shit round for a few days then I am going to take another sick day and go to the doctors and tell him about my back - then I am going to see my manager and tell her about my bad back and see where we go from there as I am NOT going to be pushed into that fucking god damn awful round again - no how - no way!!!!!!!

On top of all that I am going to so miss H - I know life is hard at times with us all living together - but I feel really sick knowing I'm going to be on my own for the next week.

I love H so much and little GD has made such amazing progress - I am just so used to them being here that I'm not sure how I'll cope without them.

I know it's only a week but it's a week with out chatter and smiles and kisses and cuddles.

I've got to stop all this haven't I? Relying on my grandbabies to give me a reason to live.

I've made them my world!

..............

There I was in my caravan bed - not the most comfy of beds but the sheets were cotton and quilt was warm.

It was probably about 10.30/11pm and I was sat up reading 'The suspicions of Mr Whicher' thinking about nothing in particular when the caravan started to move from side to side - I panicked and thought "shit we are having another earthquake" such was the velocity of movement.

The light fitting on the ceiling was moving and my bed was shaking - I jumped up and went to the door as I reached it the movement subsided so I grabbed my phone to text H (I was too scared B would snap my head off for waking her up to ask her)

"Can you put sky news on to see if we've had an earthquake" I wrote

Reply "Don't be stupid mother its probably wind"

It most definitley was not windy so I replied

"nope no wind here" just as I pressed send it started again - this time I ran to the door - I had to save my little grandbabies - didn't I?

I thought maybe it was a landslide - the East Coast is renowned for moving earth falling into the sea and we were rather near the cliff top.

All I could think about was grabbing the babies - who were at my end of the caravan.

Just as I reached their door the shaking stopped.

I thought I must be imagining it as B and the FC hadn't stirred!

So I got back into bed and started to read my book.

I must have driffted off because before I knew it the sun was up and I was out having a cig!

I asked B if she had felt the caravan shaking and told her I'd texted H to see if there had been an earthquake!

She looked at me and just said "oh mother use your imagination"

It still didn't twig until I was talking to my sister and she said "for god sake sis is it that long since you had a shag ......"

SHAG? I was mortified! I thought there was an earthquake - it never crossed my mind that they were 'doing it' the caravan was shaking much to violently for it to have been that! Surely?

I know most people feel sad to get back to 'real life' after their holidays but jeepers I wonder how many people feel like I do right now - damn near suicidal.

I had a brilliant week - the sun shone and I got a 'tan'!

I've not stopped all week - I saw goth's in Whitby and lama's at the zoo and sharks in the sealife center - I've played on 2p slot machines and even had a couple of drinks or two.

It wasn't an elabrate holiday - just a caravan - but I didn't want it too end.

Yesterday I went off on my own - treated myself to a very expensive sandwich and sat on a bench looking out on the sea and for the first time since K died I felt ok being on my own.

I sent my sister a text saying - first it was me you our brother mum dad gran grandad uncle auntie and cousin.
Then it was me and k and our girls and my gran and grandad.
Then it was me and k and our girls.
Then it was me and K.
Then it was just me - sat on that same old bench that I'd shared with my family - so many things have happened in my life since I discovered that bench.

She sent a text back saying what fond memories she had of Filey too, that made me cry.

So there I was crying silent tears - wishing that all the painful things hadn't happened but realising I was ok with it - or as ok as I'm ever going to be.

I felt terribly lonely but that's nothing new.

So why after such a brilliant and insightful week do I feel so so bad?

I don't want to be here - I don't mean on this earth - I mean where I live.

I felt sick all the way home thinking about my job. I don't want to go back there I just don't.

I'm thinking about going to the docs for a sick note I really am - but what's the point there are no other jobs out there at the mo.

First thing I did when I got home was look at job center plus and those jobs haven't changed in a week.

I've always hated where I live since the day I moved to this rancid hole 24 years ago. K and I planned to move away as soon as he turned 50 and could take early retirment - he'd be 52 next month - I know we'd have moved away - so where does it all leave me?

I've got more questions than answers as usual - my main one being: How do I do it?

I couldn't bear for one second to leave my girls and grandbabies - they are the only reason I'm still here - on this earth - so what do I do?

I've searched and searched my head for the answers to all my problems but I seem to create more problems that I started with.

I want to live out mine and K's dream of living on the coast ................

H and I went out this morning - I needed a few last minute things for my holiday tomorrow.

(still dreading the drive)

We have to go under a subway to get to where we were going and in the subway was a busker singing 'Desperado' H turned to me and said

"why don't buskers ever sing happy songs like 'the sun has got his hat on?'" we laughed and carried on with our shopping.

On the way back - now this is as true as my typing this - we had to go under the subway and in a million years you will never guess what happened - he started to sing 'here comes the sun' we both looked at each other and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. He sang just one verse and the chorus before we got out of the other side of the subway....................

We chatted about it all the way home "Did he hear us saying it?" we will never know.

Anyway we got home and I was hanging out a few bits of washing and I was saying to H that I wished I was going to Portugal with them (I come back on the Monday - they go on the Thursday) next thing I know barclay card are letting me have a credit card and H was phoning the travel agent.

Fuck it - life is too short - way too short to be sat crying and feeling as miserable as fuck.

Then I remembered my passport is out of date - so D said he would take me to Liverpool to get one.

I've have to get the doc to sign me off on the sick but I know he would so that's not a problem - so what's stopping me? Money - I can't honestly afford to be on the sick - but then I just keep thinking Fuck it - fuck it all just do it!

I should be happy - I should be excited - I should probably have my suitcase packed ..........

However

I'm a bundle of nerves.

Stupid.

I've always been like this - it's not a recent thing.

I think I'm scared of leaving my 'comfort zone' (as someone put it the other day)

I find 10 million reasons not to go and 10 million to stay home - it's just me I guess.

Mind you saying that this time I'm so tired I just want to curl up in my bed and not move for a week, but I've probably used that excuse before when I've not had the courage to do something.

Maybe it's the travel involved - I hate 'journeys' I like to just 'be there'

Oh what is wrong with me - my head really does feel so fucked up at times.

11 days off................

I was so excited at 2pm - going on holiday on monday my first holiday in years & years and my first one without K - I've had a few weekends away but never a whole week.

I'm still not sure going with B and my grandbabies and her partner is the best idea but only time will tell and I am only doing it for B.

Positive mental attitude is what I need.........

I will have a good week
I will have a good week
I will have a good week

Who knows I might even meet someone who just wants a one night stand ..............chance would be a fucking fine thing!!!!!

Heather my friend from work texted me this morning to tell me her fella arrived back last night and that she was tired cos of all the shagging......oh I better not get started on that I'll just depress myself and I don't want to do that as tonight I am feeling FREE and HAPPY for a change!

I worked for 12 hours today with a half hour lunch break - when I got home I fell fast asleep - now I'm straving - no money for a take away but at this time of night (I've just woken up FFS) I can not be bothered to cook..........

I can not wait till 2pm tomorrow and I am out of there for 11 days..............Yipppeeeeeeeeeeeee

I fell out with my brother last July - we've not spoken since ...

Tonight my sister in law added me to her face book and sent me a message saying

"miss you"

Well I miss her too but I don't miss him and I can't find it in my heart to forgive him so where does that leave me? In floods of fucking tears as per usual!

Why did I think that K would look after me from beyond the grave - he never looked after me when he was alive so why oh why have I put all my hopes and dreams into him looking after me now he's dead?

Tonight I have taken all his photo's down and I never ever want them back up - he let me down all the time whilst he was alive and I guess I just wanted to believe that he would see how much I needed looking after, after he died but he hasn't.

He didn't care about me then and he doesn't care about me now.

There is no fucking heaven - there is no way people can help from beyond the grave - he's gone!

Fuck it all - I've tried to stay faithful to his memory - I've done everything I can do to not put a foot wrong since he died to prove him wrong in things he said when he was alive - but no more!

Right at this moment in time I never want to hear his name mentioned again!

title says it all!

Yet again it's saturday night and where am I?

Pointless question!

Pointless life!

My little Grandson is 3 today - Happy birthday little fella.

His mum and dad have taken him to see 'Thomas and friends' up at Bolton Abbey - I hope he is having the best day of his little life as he adores Thomas.

I am just waiting now for them to get back to I can go give him his presents - I can't wait!!!

I'm shattered too - its been a really long week this week - my job just goes from bad to worse - to the point where I just want to scream my heart out!

To be continued B just rang they are home so I'm off to sing happy birthday to my beautiful little grandson!

I'm ASHAMED to say the company I work for are just like the companies featured on that programme tonight - and I wonder why I hate my job so much!

In loving memory of my first baby granddaughter Rosie Grace who was born on the 7th April 2005 and died in my daughter B's arms 43 minutes later.

There's not a day that passes by that I don't wonder what she would have been like.

Just hope K is with her and gave her a wonderful birthday.

The world may never notice

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,

Or even pause to wonder

If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,

Or ever comes to be,

Touches the world in some small way

For all eternity.

The little one we long for

Was swiftly here and gone.

But the love that was then planted

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,

Our hearts know what to do.

Every beating of our hearts

Says that we love you.

Night night little Angel xxxxxx

I've hardly slept for worrying about my bloody job.

I just don't want to be there.

I've got a 10 hour day today and I've had about 3 hours sleep.

Every time I've fallen to sleep I've dreamt that they want me to do more - sending me here there and everywhere - doing a whole heap of disgusting things!

I am so sick of 'being nice' I'm so sick of spending my day getting in and out of my car - I'm so sick of sick people - what the fuck did I think I was doing when I applied for this damn fucking job?

I spent 15 years looking after K - why oh why did I think I'd be happy looking after other people when I was so damn fucking miserable looking after him?

I keep thinking why did I waste years trying to juggle college, hospital appointments and home life to end up in this crappy fucking job - why did I think that I'd be ok if I got some qualifications?

I'm so angry that I wasted that time - I'm angry that no other fucker can see past the fact that I didn't work for years through no fault of my own.

I don't do God but I pray every day to someone for a chance - a chance to show that I am capable - that will a little bit of training I can turn my hand to most things!

I just want to run away - somewhere where work can't ring me anymore - where shit is something that is just an awful memory but I can't afford to do it - I can't even afford a tank of petrol to make my escape!

I just want to hide away!

If just one person would recognise how hard it was for me to even get to college most days maybe they would understand why I didn't work - maybe they would see that I do try hard ..........oh I don't even know anymore how to put it into words ...... I just keep thinking "if this is all there is to my life then what's the point?"

I realised today what I still miss the most about my old life!

Sunday outings!

Me and K - rain - hail - snow or shine would go out every sunday - eventually it caused rows because we ran out of places to go and got bored of the same old.........

However - we used to put the world to rights on our drives to the coast or up onto the moors or up into the mountains - we'd chat about our expectations - our desires - wants and needs - we'd talk dirty and end up shagging in some remote place - best ever place was some woods near Hawes (where the wendsleydale cheese factory is) oh I so miss that part of my life - parts of Wales were perfect for having sex outside - the places we found off the beaten track - although Wales hardly has a beaten track - so we were always pretty safe!

I miss our journey's - the times when it was just me and him.

I think that's probably the saddest part for me - we were so happy that our girls were grown up and we could just do what we wanted - when we wanted - we'd looked forward to that for such a long time!

I miss my old life - my new one doesn't even begin to match up - I miss having sex be it inside or out! I miss mindless chatter! I miss going out with the camera's and taking photo's - he always thought he was better than me but he wasn't haha!!

How can I move onwards and upwards when I miss everything about my old life so much and can't find anything to put in place of everything I miss?

I am so in need of some .............

I've forgotten someone's name - it is driving me insane trying to remember it - the only person that would remember is K and obviously he's not here to tell me.

I can see this person clear as day and I swear his name is on the tip of my tongue - but will it come out? No!

It is so annoying!

I want to have a secret but I've not got any!

How boring is that?

I'm miserable cos I'm bored - yet again it's saturday night and here I am sat by myself infront of the computer!

Someone up the street is having a party by the sounds of the laughing and shouting and although it is getting totally on my fucking nerves - I'm envious!

I wasn't miserable earlier however - I spent the morning with B and my little Grandbabies.

We went into town and had a wander - I bought a 'good luck elephant' off the market - to add to my ever growing collection of 'lucky elephants'
Are they bringing me luck? Hmmm!

Little GS is 3 next Friday and he keeps saying "I'm nearly 3" - I so wish K was here to celebrate with him - I get so sad around his birthday cos I know that in a months time it will be K's 3rd anniversary and his sister Rosie's 4th anniversary is 3 days before his birthday.

Oh my 4 little grandbabies bring me so much pleasure and happiness.

Anyway little GS is also - seemingly - excited about going to the 'Caraban' we don't know if he fully understands but he gets giddy when we talk about going on holiday.

I can't wait till the other 3 grandbabies can talk like he does.

Tiny GD is starting to say more and more words and she really makes me laugh when she shouts out "Nannyyyyyy" when I walk in the door.

One day I'll be able to tell them all about K and also how happy they made me even when I felt sad.

I love those little children so very very much - bless all their little hearts xxx

Often I wonder why I write a blog - I do it to get things off my mind I suppose - I've no one much to talk to so I talk on here.

Do I care if no one ever reads it? Nah ..I never imagin anyone could be bothered to read my crappy ramblings.

At first I started to write about being a 'widow' in hope that I might meet other widows who felt like I do but I've long given up hope of that ever happening.

I also wrote because I felt so lost and alone - I still do so I've not achieved anything there either.

So why do I bash out these words?

I don't get any feed back - do I need it?

Am I just an attention seeking spoilt brat who can no longer get her own way so has to moan about it to a world that doesn't care? I think those days are long gone now.

I guess I'll just keep typing away - though my reasons for doing so have vanished now - hmmm!

Ok we all know how much I hate my job and once I am back from my holiday with B and the grandbabies I will not rest until I find a new one but I've made two really good friends over the recent months.

We phone and text every day and Heather has invited me to go out with her over the weekend which I am looking forward to.

I worked with Heather today and we had a right laugh at one thing and another so it was a pleasant day.

Tomorrow I've got to work with the 'TWONK' and I am really dreading it - I found out today he's already been discussing something H told his wife (her best friend) with someone else I work with - it's REALLY annoyed me - my business is mine - not his to share around - fucking wanker!

Maybe I should start letting private things about him slip out - he'd be none too pleased - good job I'm not like that - for his sake!

I just want someone to hug me till I fall asleep tonight.