parallel universe

I just can't get this song out of my head.

I just miss my husband so much.

Today a couple I visit were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. He's so poorly but she had hired a taxi to take them out just for a drive - no one gets how hard it is to look after someone you love so deeply unless they themselves are doing it too.

I hated being K's nurse maid - having total responsibility for what happened to him and even though this might sound 'dramatic' I had to make life and death decisions - should I take him to A&E or not?

Why did I take him that night? Why? Oh I know the coroner said his heart attack would have happened anytime - but maybe.................

Worst of it is he didn't want to go to the hospital that night - he begged me just to let him be - but he was so ill - if I'd have know that a few hours later he would be dead I'd have just laid with him in my arms.

I so regret making him go - he only had an infection - nothing wrong with his heart - nothing!

He might have lived for longer if I'd only left him in bed that night.

I'm struggling at the moment (again) I just miss him so very much.

I'm trying to make a life for me and I'm proud of myself believe it or not I just wish he was here to see how I've got on - oh I hate my job and I am fed up and lonely but I've kept everything going even when I wanted to give up.

I know his 3rd anniversary is not till May but I think because little GS's 3rd birthday is almost here I feel so bloody guilty that I couldn't stop his granddad from dying.

I should have done more - I can see that now. There are so many things I've learnt in my job that would have helped him live a better life - would it all of stopped his heart from dying? I'll never know!

I've been so busy today - I decided to do some housework - I am seriously thinking about employing a cleaner as I've just got no time to be doing dusting anymore!

Anyway there were lots of jobs I've been putting off - like emptying the draws of crap - done it now - and sealing a few of K's old t-shirts in those bags that you suck the air out of - after all it's almost 3 years and I can't and don't want to keep them there forever - it's not healthy!

H came up with me and we got them out of the draws - I was packing them away - deciding what to give to the charity shop and what to keep - there were a few bits in my wardrobe as well - I was not looking at her till she said

"mum smell this"

Oh my god I can not tell you how much this 1 t-shirt still smelt of him - it made us both cry.

Honest to goodness - it was a shock to still be able to smell him after all this time.

We had to laugh though cos he must have really smelt for it still to linger on his clothes 3 years later!!!!!!!

Still haven't got conjunctiveitus what a bummer!

14 people are now off work with one thing or another - covering it all is almost impossible ho flipping hum.

Had some brilliant suggestions for my holiday - not!

Pay day tomorrow - can't wait.

Need a new front passenger side tyre!

Reading the worlds most boring book - from bagdad with love!

Road gritters are out in force - haven't seen any news or weather in weeks - guess it's cold out there.

Must do an angel card reading over the next few days - in need of something hopeful!

Time for sleep - I think so!

I have booked 15 days off work at the end of June (in case I am still there)

I want to go somewhere but as a single person it cost's so much more than if you are with someone else!

I've got a very limited budget - any idea's?

I need to go somewhere just for a break away from everyone and everything

My eyes are sore but I think I'm just over tired!

Little GS has got conjunctiveitus - B had to take him to the doctor - now I know it is painful but here's hoping my efforts to catch it weren't in vain!

I've worked almost 12 hours today - I'm tired and hungry and pissed off - 7 people are off sick so it's a constant steam of phone calls asking to cover this that and the fucking other.

I don't suppose I'd mind if they paid me properly or I actually liked the god damn fucking job!

It really is beyond the joke - mind numbingly boring - and very tiring - draining - and I am SICK of bloody driving - wish I could find a law about how long we are allowed to drive for - I make silly mistakes cos I'm so bloody knackered!

So back to 'conjunctiveitus' fingers crossed I get it!

My eye is fine - I'm gutted!

Oh god I am dreading the rest of today!

Little GS just came home from play group with a really poorly eye it was all sticky and yucky poor little soul - I cleaned it up for him and he fell fast asleep - play group wears him out!

Anyway when I got home I was tell H and she said "how many more germs are you going to bring back from them?"

I said "well Tidgy won't get it" and she said "why have you washed your hands"

No I hadn't - so I came upstairs to wash them - I looked at them before putting them under the tap and to my own amazement and horror I found myself rubbing my eye with my hands thinking "if my eye gets infected I won't have to go to work" I rubbed and rubbed till I made my own eye sore.

Then H shouted upstairs "your phones ringing" I went down to get it and guess what - it was work "can you fit me extra's in tomorrow" was on my voice mail.

NO I FUCKING CAN'T I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL SO FUCK OFF AND ASK SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've not enjoyed my weekend off cos I'm too busy fretting about next week - it's my every waking thought.

Whenever I find myself thinking I'm wondering how I can find another job or wondering why no one else in this god damn fucking world will even give me an interview - what is SO wrong with me that I can't even get to that stage?

Everyone said to me that once I was actually working it would be easier to find something as people would look at my 'cv' and think "oh well she might not have worked for 25 years but she is now!"

It's not my fault I didn't work - it's not like I was a lazy dole person - k kept me - I went to college to try and make sure I had something to offer some one ha ha ha bloody joke that is.

All that's left me is a string of useless qualifications and a job I would rather be dead than do anymore.

I know I keep writing about it but its on my mind all the time.

I don't know where to turn for advice - if indeed there is any advice to be given.

It's not fair - why won't just one person give me a chance?

For you K where ever you may be. Please show me the way forward - I can't do it on my own anymore - love and miss you xxxxx

I woke up about 1/2 an hour ago panicking because I thought it was time to go to work - I wasn't panicking because of the time it was because I DON'T want to work at that job anymore.

I hate it - I know I say it every day and I know the best thing for me to do would be to take my notice in on Monday but I've no other source of income and my world would fall apart if I had no money.

I'm trapped and I hate that so much.

I can't believe that at 45 my life is like this! I just keep thinking "how do I change it - why can't I fall lucky for just once in my life?"

Tidgy GD has got an awful cough she is keeping me awake half the night too so that's not helping as I am so constantly tired.

Do you know I look at others around me - ok their lives are probably not as perfect as I think they are but they never seem to struggle or be miserable - I know K died and I know it's part of my over all unhappiness and I know if I had to power to change a few things I would but I feel like this job just takes over everthing - my every thought -
I get up thinking I'd rather be dead than do that job a day longer.

I sit for hours looking at jobs sites - I'm on loads of job site mailing lists - I apply for anything I think I could do but do I ever hear back?

No!

I just don't want to go back - end of story!

What a beautiful morning.

It's my weekend off - though they went on and on at me to work! No kidding I must have had 10 phone calls in the space of two days asking me to work this weekend - I just kept saying "no sorry" so here I am with 3 whole days away from all of them!!!

I've no plans - oh I have - H is treating me to the cinema tomorrow we are going to see 'marley and me' we were going to go on Thursday night but by the time C left I couldn't be bothered to get ready - so we are going for something to eat then to see the film.

The book made me cry so heaven only knows how I'll cope with the film!

I'm going to spend the afternoon with B & the babies - I hardly seem to see them these days - I pop in for 1/2 an hour during my dinner but it never seems to be enough time.

They are all growing so much - they've all been poorly too - terrible colds - poor little loves.

Tidgy GD who lives here has been really poorly too - but she is so remarkable to think she only weighed 1lb 14oz when she was born and spent such a long time in neonatal she is doing so well. She is trying to stand up now - she is only slightly behind in her development but she is doing what she can when she can and her consultant is really pleased with her.

I just adore them all - all their little smiles and cuddles and laughter - I thank god for every second I have with them - they keep me going through my darkest days and I love them all the more for that.

I am so tired - I've worked 59 hours this week - work that I HATE!!!!!!!!

21.13 on Friday night and I'm in bloody bed!!!!!!!!

I talked to C tonight we were chatting about relationships and I (might have written this 2,000 times before) realised I'm not cut out to have another one.

At first after K died it was something I did think about but only cos I was so lonley - I'm still lonely but the thought of another man in my life scares me out my skin!

I was saying to C that my life with K was hard - not just because he was so ill but he was a total and utter control freak - thinking back how the heck I stayed married for so long is a mystery!

Oh it's not really - I loved him - simple as that - but I could never let myself be controlled again like that. Afraid to go out or make friends (according to him every friend I ever had used me) giving into him all the time because he was ill .....

I'm free of all that now - I know that probably sounds harsh and horrid but it's how I feel.

If he came back tomorrow I know I couldn't go back to how it was as I've learned so much about my own needs since he's been dead.

I never thought about what I needed when he was alive - I'd go with the flow - caught up in being his nurse maid - avoiding confrontation - avoiding saying I wanted or needed something because he came first because he was so ill.

I come first in everything now - except my fucking job. I do things now that I want to do not that I have to do because someone else expects it or demands it.

Ok I'm moaning about being in bed at this time of night - but I like being in bed haha!! Nah that's not a good example of what I am trying to convey - I guess just being able to lay here and type on this thing and watch TV (something I never did much of when K was alive cos he always had the remote) I eat what I want not what he had to eat oh I'm not making any sense - I miss him with all my heart but I just know I could never let anyone else into my life - I've just grown to like being by myself and not having to worry about how someone else is feeling .............

This morning I was coming out of someones house and a woman I know from work was going in to another - she shouted me over and told me about a job fair that was taking place in our local town hall - she had been and
registered so I thought "well if she is thinking of leaving then I'm really not the only one who is as miserable as fuck!"

So off I went to the town hall - followed the signs and entered a big room with loads of desks with lots of different organizations - all tempting you to work for them.

A woman came up to me and said "are you looking for June"

I said "No sorry I don't know anyone here I've just come to look for a new job"

She then gave me some forms to fill in and sent me to sit down.

I had just got started when I got a tap on my shoulder "oh no" thought I "someone else from work must be here!" I got the shock of my bloody life when I turned round to see 'June' standing there - June is our works training manager - our work only had a stall there..............

"caught you" she said

"ground open up and take me away" thought I!

"Are you thinking of leaving us?" she said

What could I say...............

"yep - I've had enough of this that and the other......."

She looked really concerned and said to me "please come and see me on Friday we will talk about all this properly" so I agreed.

Trouble is it doesn't make one jot of difference I'm just to unhappy to stay with them anymore - so I filled in my forms and I'm just going to take it from there.

I did leave the building laughing my little socks of though - something like that could only happen to me!!!!!

I can not describe how gut wrenchingly awful it is to have not one person in the whole wide world care whether you live or die. My girls aren't included in this - I mean the world as a whole.

No one gives a toss about me and I feel it - I really do and it hurts - but no one cares that it hurts cos no one knows cos no one knows me to care about me.

I may as well be on a desert island in the middle of no where then maybe I wouldn't feel so excluded from life.

On the 20th April I am going on holiday for a week with B her partner and my 3 grandbabies.

I can not wait.

We are only going in a caravan on the East Coast but I am so so so looking forward to it.

B said she will cook - hmmm yeah right - little GS has run round all dinner time shouting "no caraban - no swimming nanny - no sleeping in caraban nanny"

I love that little chap so much.

The other day he went to the loo - there is a cabinet in there were B stores stuff and he opened it pulled out the book 'Marley and me' got on the loo and started to thumb through the book - he's not even 3 yet!
B says he does it all the time now and it is taking her ages to get him off - all I could say was "typical fella" though what would I know about typical fella's?

I'm still day dreaming about 'Tariq the unattainable' I just wish one day I would day dream about someone I could have to hold and cherish who wasn't married!

Oh well at least I've now got something to look forward too - these long lonely nights can be taken up by thinking about going away.

My problem is I can't see how anything is ever going to be right again.

Seems besides my daughters and grandbabies there is not one good thing in my life - I hate my job - I'm not talking to my brother - I've no money - I hate where I live .............Oh I give up on life I really do - I've no energy to fight anything anymore!

I found out tonight that my only remaining widow friend C is moving to the other end of the country in June.

It's something she has been thinking about doing for a long time but I never thought she would get round to going.

I am happy for her as I know it's what she wants but I'm sad for me - who will I turn to now? Who will invite me over to her house for a curry? I am going to miss her so much I want to cry.

There is no one here for me now - not a friend in the world - and I'm not being dramatic - it's true she was the only friend I had left. I'm gutted!

Oh and after a long chat work changed my rota for 2 days and gave me the shittest rounds going - Argh! I need a break - not a holiday type break just a 'break' someone to give me a chance someone to believe in me and show me there's more to life than this!

Oh and I just reached for another Jammy Dodger to find I've eaten the whole fucking packet - that was sensible - not!

I am dreading later today. I've hardly slept and feel as sick as a dog - in fact several dogs!

H's best friends husband has been out of work for months on end so I said to H 'tell him my work are recruiting every week" cos they are such shit employers no one will stop there - so she did & he got a job and started his training last week.

Now I've said before I do a round that it takes two people to do - and guess what? They've put him on and and expect me to work with him - cos Adam left!

Three weeks ago when I knew they had taken him on I went in and told them the situation - I've known him for 12 years and nice as he is I CAN NOT WORK with H's best friends husband - I asked for a different round - mainly because I hate the one I do and thought this would be a good excuse for them to find me something that doesn't tear my back in two every single day of the fucking week!

Now H talked to her friend and her husband has been told that he will start working with ME on Wednesday (my day off today - his tomorrow)

What do I do? Do I go for my rota today and pretend that I don't know and act shocked? Do I go off on one? Do I just take in my notice and fuck the consequences - I won't be able to pay my direct debits or eat but hey at least I'll never have to worry about cleaning shit up again!

I'm furious that they can just ignore my request - they promised me a new round and they've gone back on it. Why didn't I get it written in black and white?

Oh what do I do?

I don't suppose a company has policies on this do they? I don't know?

All I know is I am so so tempted just to hand in my notice!

Prostitution here I come!

As if I'm not miserable enough without those fucking idiots in that fucking office making it even worse!

Still in bed

Still feeling sorry for myself

Now wondering why I was left to fend for myself

Now wishing I'd been taken the day K died too

Hating myself for still being this bored pathetic lonely old cow

Hating myself for not knowing how to change things

Hating everyone for saying to me "when you've got a job your life will change, you will meet new people and start getting out more.." what the fuck eva!

Hating myself for still feeling so lost and sad

Hating myself for just existing

I have done everything everyone has ever suggested and still I'm sat here on a saturday night on my own lonely and wishing that I would just die in my sleep!

I'm bored already.

I'm still poorly so I don't really feel like doing much but I just can't sit in all day.

H is in bed saying she feels sick

D is downstairs with Tidgy GD watching his weekend football fucking crap - whose house is it I ask myself?

B let me down - we were supposed to be going to the market but it's raining and she doesn't want to drag all three kids down - her partner isn't at work today so I can't even go and sit with her for an hour.

My mum and dad are at my sisters celebrating her birthday - and my dads - and here I am all alone feeling very sorry for myself again.

Oh woe is me!

Today I was sat in the garden having a cig when H came out to join me - I got to telling her a story about a woman I once knew.

This woman had 4 older children (16+) when I knew her and he husband drank in the pub every night - she held down half a dozen little cleaning jobs cos his money went on the beer.

She was a down trodden woman - she always scurried about from here to there often with one of those shopping carts on wheels.

She always looked so sullen - like the weight of the world was on her shoulders.

After I told H about her I said that I'd just caught a glimpse of myself in the patio door glass and I felt I was begining to look just how she used to look - old before my time and absolutly haggered!

Later on I went to look after my 3 grandbabies down at B's. I was sat feeding baby GS when there was a knock at the door. It was her avon woman - cut a long story short she turned to me and said "are you her mum?"

"yes" replied little old me

"you don't look old enough - I thought you were going to say you're sisters"

Part of me thought "yeah what the fuck ever" but another part of me secretly smiled - even though she had no idea - that woman made my day haha!

PS: someone walked out of work tonight and told them to fuck off she was never coming back - oh how I hope that will be me in a few weeks time

I have got a built in wardrobe with 6 doors on it - for the last few days 2 of the doors haven't closed properly although I have tried loads of times to close them.

This afternoon I got so frustrated with them I opened them and put my hand in behind (one of them doesn't open fully) to see what was making it stick.

I couldn't believe what I pulled out - one of K's shoes - I thought I had put them in the bin ages ago.

Maybe he is trying to tell me something after all - as honest to goodness I thought I'd got rid of them.

I've taken the day off work and I'm taking tomorrow too.

I'm poorly with a horrid cold but to be truthful I'm just too sad to go to work today.

It's my cousins daughters babies funeral today - in fact as I type it will be taking place.

I'm heartbroken for them all - I just keep thinking back to my little grandaughters funeral - it was a bitterly cold day and it was raining. I'll never forget how B cried and I couldn't hold her cos that wasn't for me to do that day that was for her partner - I couldn't sheild my little girl from the pain of losing her little girl.

I know I try to convince myself that they are all together in heaven but what if there isn't a heaven? What if they are all just lost souls roaming - I feel so lost on earth so what must they feel like?

I love all my grandchildren and I think if Rosie had lived then maybe the others wouldn't be here - she would have been 4 in April - I wonder what she would have been like - she had lovely blue eyes but that's all I'll ever know about her. I wonder what she would have liked or what she would have sung or how she would have cuddled me like the others do.

On top of that my head it swimming with K - I miss him so much - to think 27 years ago we were so young and so full of life and hopes and dreams and now I've got nothing but memories and photographs! It's not fair!

Best I stay in bed and keep my tears quiet today.

If K had still been alive tomorrow would have been our 27th wedding anniversary.

We had planned to renew our vows on our 25th so we could have a different wedding date as it was always too cold in March to go away to celebrate - we had planned a big party and the honeymoon we never had - I never did get that honeymoon! We wanted to go on a cruise because of his dialysis bags but sadly for me it wasn't too be.

I had such a strange dream last night - I've dreamt once or twice about him since he died and last night made it three times.

In my dream I was driving down a steep hill and all these boys were skateboarding down it and one ran out and I ran over his foot - cutting his toes straight off - when I jumped out of my car his toes were back on his foot and he was laughing (K had, had amputations to most of his feet - missing toes on one foot and a transmetatarsal one on the other foot)

Anyway as I was talking to this boy an old friend of mine came out of this house and handed me a letter behind the letter was a card - like a buisness card and on it was written

K is now out of hospital - I am pleased to tell you he will never have to come back in again - so could you please find it in your heart to look for him and ring him - he wants you to get in touch

I took the card home and showed it to B and H and asked them what they made of it seeing as he is dead.

We decided we needed a while to think about it so we went out for the afternoon - we went to this place - I've no idea what it was - we got in and we were looking around and when we had finished we asked for the way out - this man said to us "over there" pointing at a hole in the wall smaller than a porthole.

We laughed and told him not to be so stupid we had a double buggy and 4 little children and he just kept saying "the only way out is through that window"

I told him I was going to phone the police if he didn't let us out and as I was speaking he took my phone off me and smashed it.

I woke up so upset. I've no idea what that dream could mean and I wouldn't know where to being to look to work it out no dream dictionary that I know of will expalain all that too me.

I do so miss him.

I've not managed to get up yet this morning.

What's the point? I've no one to share my day off with so I may as well stay in my bed.

I had such a busy weekend at work I did 20 hrs over sat/sun wish I suppose isn't that bad but when you hate your job as much as I hate mine every single second of those hours drags like fuck!

I've almost finished the application form for the other job - it will be in the post by teatime!

I am keeping myself going by thinking 'it's my long weekend this weekend' I finish Friday at 1.30pm and I'm not back till Tuesday!

Hopefully by then I'll have heard back from the other job.

I've got no plans (as per usual) for the weekend - I'm just hoping that my wages will be sorted out and the extra money will be in the bank then at least I can go food shopping - I feel like 'old mother hubard' as the cupboards are empty - bet the office staff's wages were right!!

It's made me so angry - I'm struggling to put food on the table in the year 2009 because they can't pay me right!

Do you know what I cooked the other night because there was sod all else in - a veg curry made with a packet of frozen veg! Don't suppose it will do me any harm but that's not the point - I may as well be living on potato soup!

Actually there's an idea - veg soup - I'm sure my money could strech to a few fresh vegatables for the rest of the week.