parallel universe

I visit a 32 year old Asian man who has MS - just recently he's started to go on about God!

I told him I didn't do religion of any kind and he looked aghast - tough thought I - I DON'T DO RELIGION.

Anyway tonight he ask's me what the 7 deadly sins are - I wanted to say 'How the fuck do I know' but I didn't - I just smiled and said 'if you want the answer google it'

You should have seen the look on his face

Ok my day has been up and down!

The down side is that my work haven't paid us all properly AGAIN! During the day they ask us to fit other calls in and we've not been paid for any of them for a month! They reckon it will all be sorted by the end of next week and our extra money will go into the bank by Friday! Tax man will be clapping his flipping hands won't he!

On a brighter note - I got an application form today for a job that I really want. It is working in a residental home with 8 people ranging from 16 to 25 with behavioural problems, learning disabilities or a physical disability - it is a brand new home with 8 self contained flats and the idea is you help them to live independant lives. It sounds so rewarding - they go on holiday and shopping and out to day centre's and different places and you go with them. They need minimal care - you are just there to support their needs.

You don't work weekends either and there is no hoisting fat men in and out of bed all day long!

I think I'd be well suited to this job so fingers crossed for me as nothing would make me happier than to hand in my notice next week!!!!!!!!!!!!

To celebrate I've just made a home made chicken korma and it smells amazing - can't wait to eat it!!!

I do not want to go to work
I do not want to go to work
I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO WORK!

I do what they call a double up round - which means two of us do it because the people we care for are not mobile and need hoisting in and out of bed.

These people are BIG HEAVY men - all of them - my back is done in as I have to pull these men in the hoists - they are all Asian & speak no English so communication is awful.

I only got this round because the man that did it before died. I've put up with it for 7 months - the amount of people I've worked with is unbelievable - different person almost every week.

That was until Adam came and now Adam is leaving and I am dreading next week.

I've been sick twice this morning worrying about it.

You see H's best friends husband is starting at my work next week (he's been out of work for months) now he's a nice enough bloke but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I couldn't work with him - I've known him for 11 years - I am building up the courage to go to the office and tell them today but before I even get there I know what they are going to say

"we need a man on that round!" they won't give me a new round cos I've asked time and time again

Oh what can I do - I hate this job with every fibre in my body but now it's going to be even worse.

Why can't I find another job?

Why won't anyone else give me a chance.

I can not afford just to hand in my notice or go sick - I am SICK of feeling trapped!

I don't go on the 'widows' forums much at all these days - guess I felt I'd read it all - however just now I decided to have a look at one that I used to often use.

The post headline was: Tired of the daily struggle.

It was written by a woman heading towards her 3rd annivesary and she was saying that although she copes she still misses her husband - she puts on a brave smile and gets on with it but she wants to come home and find him there to share her day with - to talk to - to ask advice from - to help her with the washing up or the cooking! She went on to say how no one understands her and they all think because she is at almost 3 years she should be feeling 'better' and 'getting over it' but she isn't - she still misses him like she did in the begining!

Oh my I'm NORMAL - just recently I have begun to think I'm losing the plot - yeah I get on with things but there are still days when I get that knot in my tummy knowing he is never coming back.

I have tired so hard to get this far but when I think about it I don't seem to have come far at all - I'm still so very very lonely - I've still not got many 'friends' - I still sit in with myself night after night after night!

It's the lonliness I can't cope with - not being able to share things or talk about things that drives me up the wall with frustration.

I am tired all the time - tired of the pretence - tired of the 'fake smile' tired of going through this life on my own!!!!!!!!!

I talked to my cousin this morning - it was hard - I decided last night just to listen and not do the "been there done that" type of thing as I know it doesn't help one bit.

The little chap is going to be buired near my Grandma - which is really lovely as I know they are all hoping my Gran is there with him, as I hoped she was when Rosie and K died.

I'm not going to go into detail about how the little fella died but it was peaceful and his mum and dad were holding him - like B held Rosie.

I went to the graveyard this afternoon and spent some time with Rosie and K - the heart ache is still as strong as ever.

I hate this world at times I REALLY DO and as for GOD if he came in person I couldn't tell you what I'd do to him - that's why I don't believe there is one no one could be this cruel to just one family!

Why do women at my work treat me like I am 'THICK' it's driving me mad.

I only took this job because at the time I really needed the money and they were the only ones that would give me a job having not worked in the best part of 25 years - but that's not to say that I've done nothing over those years - I've been to college and was on the verge of starting a degree - but K died so suddenly that I never carried on with my studies - so why do they treat me like I'm fucking stupid?

Maybe it's because you don't need a brain to do my job? A trained monkey could do it - as has been proven by some of the people they take on!

I can't have conversations about meaningful things with anyone without getting that look that speaks a million words and it usual says "What the fuck are you talking about" they are all wrapped up in 'jades story' or where they are going out to at the weekend - whilst I want to chatter shit about the world economy and the gaza strip!

Oh I am so fed up (as usual) I feel numb and disillusioned - am I to never again find someone who doesn't think I am 'thick' - as one girl called me the other day!

where can I find like minded people? Age old question with me I guess - am I really destinded never to have a 'proper converstation' again. Was I spoilt with K's intellect?

It's making me so miserable.

Oh I forgot here's another example:

I was phoned by our training co-ordinator the other day - telling me she was putting me in to do an NVQ2 - she said she had a list of questions and could I answer them on the phone.

She asked me about my qualifications and when she'd finished she said to me "oh I didn't realise you had all those" For fuck sake this is the woman who interviewed me - who had my hashed together CV sat in front of her - didn't she read it at all?

My cousins daughters baby died today.

I'm devastated for them all.

I know only too well what they have to come to terms with having had my own first granddaughter die too.

All I keep asking is what has my family done to deserve any of this.

2 babies - 2 innocent little lives.

I don't understand anything anymore!

Sleep tight little man xxxxx

I took the morning off work. I just couldn't face going in.

I'm just so stressed out most of the time - so I did my first two calls and told them to get cover cos I was going home.

I got into bed and just chilled. I just feel so tired working such long hours - the only reason I'm upset about taking the house off the market - I had hoped to make enough money to just work part time!!

I'm going back this afternoon to do my tea round - I need the money!!

Oh god more bad news.

H just rang me - her best friends husband has been out of work for months and he has - stuipdly in my opinion - applied to work at my place - trouble is the job I do takes two people and the lad I work with at the moment is leaving so I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will employ her husband and stick him with me and I couldn't work with him - he's nice enough but there is no way in this world I could work with him!

Oh now what am I going to do? He's got an interview on Friday!

Oh my god 1 year and 18 days since H had tidgy GD my cousins daughter has given birth to a little boy 3 months and 2 weeks early - he weighs just 2lb 2oz just 4 more little ounces than tidge!

My cousin was sobbing when she rang me this morning but I told her to stay strong cos those little babies are tough little souls and although the road ahead is a long one with lots of twists and turns it will all come good in the end.

Tidge is doing so well now it's hard now to think back to just how tiny and poorly she was.

I just hope with all my heart he doesn't have too many problems along the way - H was lucky with Tidge lets hope that C's baby has lots of fight in him too.

I took my house off the market today!

I've already had to drop it by 20K then yesterday a couple came to look at it and I got a phone call this morning saying they wanted to offer 20K less than the asking price.

"Well I tell you what Mr who ever you were FUCK OFF! You are not getting MY HOME for 40K less than it's worth!"

I rang the estate agents straight back - H took the call cos I was driving - and asked if I would have anything to pay if I took it off and they said no so with immediate effect it was taken off!

"So stuff you 'pillock' who thought just cos I'm on my own and other people are suffering from the credit crunch - I'm NOT and you are not getting me house!!!!!

Why do the people at ITV think anyone would want to pay to vote AGAIN for that little prat?

How stupid are the public? Not only did they spend money voting for him - though fuck knows why - on the X factor - now we are expected to put up with him on Ice Skating - and those dwebs that vote to pay all over again!

I really hate that BOY and his big bloody head - maybe I need to get a petition together to get him off my screen - or maybe I need to get a life

ARGH

H & her boyfriend D got engaged today....I cried happy tears.

He bought a kinder egg and sliced it open took the toy out of the shell thing that the toys go in and put the ring inside with a little note then wrapped it all up again......when he gave her it and she was so busy eating the egg she didn't think to open the toy straight away ....

I am so happy for them - just wish I had someone to share my happiness with.

As for me ....nobody loves me but I knew that already haha!!!!!

I still love K very much - I think about him all the time but as H keeps telling me "he's dead mum and he ain't coming back" I know this but still find it hard to accept that I've got to build a life without him - this makes me wonder if every time I like a man - he is totally unattainable - am I doing it on purpose (subconsciously) or do I really not need a man in my life or do I think no one could ever love me again?

I haven't a clue.

Although I still love K I've found myself more and more attracted to a man I see every day through work - he is nothing like K - totally opposit - but he's married so out of bounds - so why waste my time? Is it because he flirts with me which makes me feel good? Probably - but then I get all upset because if K hadn't died I wouldn't have looked at this man once let alone twice.

I just think I'm being so disloyal to him - when my mind starts to wander and I find myself thinking about this other man I feel like I shouldn't - not because he's married - but because I am worried that K can read my mind from where ever he is.

I don't know why I am finding this such a big deal - I'd look at other men and day dream whilst he was alive so why can't I do it now without getting so cross with myself when I do.

I'm sure I am not making more out of the new 'social' life that has been offered to me because I am worried I will meet someone else and that person will expect different things out of me than K would have done.

I was married for such a long time and I knew him inside out like he knew me - and I don't think I could ever find that again with someone new - but my head or rather my eyes still keep looking for that 'someone' only I know deep down I'd run a mile before embarking on a new relationship.

Oh what is wrong with me?

It's almost too much to think about so I avoid it - but at the same time I want to be hugged and looked after - it's just not that easy when a little ghost follows my every move and listens in to my every thought!

I absolutely hate my job.

I've never felt so trapped in all my life.

I can't quit and I can't afford to go on the sick and I don't honeslty know how I can drag myself there tomorrow.

The thought of cleaning up just one more pile of stinking shit or washing and moving just one more heaving fat repulsive body is making me feel sick at this very second in time.

I am waking up in a blind panic most mornings - sweating - heart racing - wishing I was dead rather than having to do that fucking disgusting job.

My panic attacks are happening more and more - I'm smoking more - I'm not washing or eating properly and I'm wide awake most days between 4.30 and 5.30am just laying here wishing I was with K.

I'm so down that I'm not even sure if I got another job it would help anymore. Not that I can find one.

I hate driving all day - I hate the fucking little dickweed I have to work with - he's 19 and chews gum and spits a lot - he never speaks to me so I can go almost 5 hours without talking as all my services users are Asain males who speak very little or no English at all.

Don't get me started on the office staff - if it were up to me I'd fire the bloody lot of them and start all over again - they are fucking hopeless!

Last week they gave a 'supervisory' post to a 23 year old girl who on Christmas day failed to turn up to work resulting in an old lady being missed out - on christmas day of all days.
This new supervisor often phones in sick and here she is in her 'new job'

I had to laugh the other day - the woman who 'trained me' phoned me and asked me what qualifications I had as she wants me to do an NVQ - I reeled off my list and she said to me "Oh I didn't realise you had all thouse!" For fuck sake she was the one who employed me - she's the one who sat at her desk with my CV (for what it's worth) in her hand.

Two weeks ago I worked with a different bloke (he's left now but he's being taken care of by the DHS) he told me our 'manager' phoned him up and asked him if he'd like a job in the office because she had noticed he's worked with computers???? What the fuck - apparently he used a computer to retrive his rota for the week and that was it.

Oh dear lord I so so so so need a new job or enough money to get me out of this one so I can look for a new job.

I had hoped that my house would have sold before now so I could just hand in my notice and be out of there - it's making feel ill - not just mentally - though I am really worried about that as I feel so depressed - my physical health is suffering too - my back is in constant pain as is my knee.............I wish I knew what to do - I so wish I could just walk out of there .......................I can not cope with 12 hours a day of shit and piss

For you K - I miss you so very much - it still hurts - it never changes except that I miss you more each day.

I can't even bring myself to come down to the grave yard anymore cos I can't bear to see the headstone as it just shouts out "He's gone" and I don't want it to be true.

Yeah day to day no one would ever know what goes on in my head and my heart - I cry silent tears than no one ever see's cos no one understands....."it's been almost 3 years you've got to get on with your life!" That's what they say K - they don't realise there is no life for me without you.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm stong but I'm not - I hurt so badly still and as for coping ha thats a joke. I'm still in millions of bits.

Little GS looks so much like you, you know, sometimes it's even hard to look at him without bursting into tears - you're missing out on so much K.

Almost 3 years on and I am still asking the same question ..........WHY? Why did you have to die and leave me to fend for myself. I can't do it.

I am so miserable and unhappy. I don't just want photos and memories I WANT YOU!

Finally I've got a computer sorted out for my own use.

H managed to sort out her old one for me and here it is on my knee in bed!

I'm thrilled - I can finally get back to writing my rantings and by god there's a few of them to come.

I'm just happy tonight - I can now come on the comp when ever I want yippeeeeee!!!!!