parallel universe

I NEED MY OWN COMPUTER!

I just found out that my Great Auntie D died earlier today.

I just feel so sad.

She was a lovely lady & I will miss her dearly.

Rest in peace sweetheart. Love you xxxxx

I’ve not been getting many hours at work cos of this CRB thing – so I have been asking and asking. Suddenly cos Tony died and his work partner Nicola is leaving I’ve got some hours back – tonight at 6.25pm I received a phone call from work

“Katie how do you fancy doing evenings over the weekend”?

Cool thinks I. £8.50 an hour – great.

“You will do your normal weekend then nights” she says happily as though she is doing me a huge favour!

“So you want me to start at 6.45am and work through to 11pm”? I ask – STUNNED!

“Yes will that be ok” she says sounding pissed off.

“No – sorry it won’t be ok – I’m not doing it” Money or no money I am not working for 16 hours

“But I thought you wanted more hours?” she now sounded REALLY pissed off at me!

“Yes I do but I mean full days – not days and nights” I replied feeling as though
1) she was taking the piss
2) Annoyed at her attitude
3) Fed up because they won’t give me proper hours at normal times!

“Well we thought you wanted the hours” she reiterated!

“I do” I said getting a little exasperated “but during the day”

“Fine” she replied and put the bloody phone down on me!

This fucked me off just ever so slighting!!!!

Jeepers I need out of that company and FAST!

I have finally made up my mind and for the first time in months I actually feel happy.

I am going to sell my house and buy the flat I’ve had my eye on for ages - I can not tell you how relieved I am feeling to have made the decision.

I saw another estate agent today who is going to put my house up for £10k more than the bloke said yesterday and she said it wouldn’t be worth that much more in 2 years time.

I then phoned to get a viewing on the flat I like. I am going to see it on Thursday – then it’s a case of painting a few rooms and paying for my pack thing that I need.

I’ll still have money left over to buy all the things I will need for it. I’m SO EXCITED!

Fingers crossed it all goes to plan and hopefully I’ll get a buyer for my house.

Ok It probably doesn't come across on here but I've got a really vivid imagination - last night I had this dream where Huge Grant was my next door neighbour - the whole dream was funny as hell and now I want someone to turn it into a flim!

Any idea's any one? Where do you go with idea's for films?

He died of a heart attack in a toilet. What a horrible place to die.

Every one was really sad but I hardly knew him so it was easier for me to keep my fake smile up (I’ve had 2 years of practice at painting on that smile)

It’s been a dreadful day – one I don’t want to repeat in a hurry.

I just feel for his partner so many hopes and dreams dashed.

Anyway I had the estate agent in today – my house has dropped £20k but I’m still thinking seriously about selling it. I’ve another coming tomorrow. (Estate agent that is)

J was such a different person in her new house yesterday and after a conversation on Friday with an old lady I am finally 90% sure it’s the right thing to do.

I want a new start in a new house/flat! I have thought about it till I can think of it no more – I want to free some money up and start doing the things I want to do – the list is huge.

I went to see my new Grandson today Awwwww I had my first hug. He’s just so cute bless his little heart. Little GS wouldn’t leave my side haha!

So now I’ve got 4 little grandbabies and I want to enjoy them – I don’t want to be constantly stressed out and worried – not good for me and not good for them – just hope I am making the right decision.

Work phoned me to ask me to work tomorrow as I wrote previously.

Half way to J’s my phone rang again and it was work. I thought they wanted me to cover tea’s – ha ha thought I – I’m on the motorway you’ve got no chance.

Anyway Sue asked me if I was sitting down and I said “yes I’m in a car on the motorway” still thinking they wanted me to work.

She said “are you sure – I need you to be sat down as this will be a shock”

I thought what could shock me that much – then I thought – oh no one of the old people must have died.

How wrong was I?

A few weeks ago I wrote about the ‘wanker’ I was working with who said to me I was ‘lucky’ that K had died – well he is now dead!

He died yesterday – they weren’t sure if it was a heart attack or stroke.

The strangest thing is the other week when I was working with him he was bashing his chest telling me he had indigestion and I said “don’t be so bloody sure the docs told my dad he had indigestion and he ended up having stents put in his arteries” Then I went on to tell him K used to bash his chest (& so did my dad) so get to the doctors.”

Now he’s dead and gone – I must admit to looking up to the sky and saying “is your partner lucky now?”

Then I got a bit sad cos he had so many plans – just like me and K – him and his partner were going to do so many things together – and all those plans ended just like mine did in a split second.

I’ve realised lots of things today which I will write about tomorrow – but I will just say even though my own husband died nothing has made me re-evaluate my own life as much as this.

I'm just waiting for S to come pick me up we are going to Cheshire to see J's new house.

I'm looking forward to it cos I've been no where for months.

I was going to go shopping and get my new little grandson something but I decided I'd go tomorrow and leave them alone for the day - I agreed with S to go to see J then work rang and asked if I could work in the morning!

ARGH!

I need the money so I can't say no - then I remembered I've got the estate agent coming at 11 and I've got a 2nd phone interview also tomorrow - I've told H to ask if the estate agent can come later and just to say to the bloke on the phone for the interview I'm coving for someone who's off sick. Hopefully he will ring me back.

Then somewhere I've got to get out to buy little Alfie a pressie and do the shopping!

Looks like I've got a bloody busy day tomorrow.

Can't wait to see my little Grandson - he's got such white hair - goodness knows where that came from. His little chubby cheeks - I can't wait for my first cuddle.

The FC is home for 2 weeks now so I doubt I will see much of Alfie till he's back at work. I still that man!

I'm waffling - I'm off to get ready.

xx

Alfie Robert was born at 5.39am weighing a whooping 8lb 15oz. He's a right little fat chops - bless his little heart.

I've had two hours sleep since 6am Friday morning so I will write more tomorrow - I'm shattered!

Well I'm back seriously job hunting again.

I don't know anything about police checks - never even heard of it till I got this job - I can't work without it and for what ever reason (they won't give me one) I can't do the shifts I have been doing - so effectively I am not working.

I can not begin to express how worried I am - I need the money - simple as that.

I don't know how I will manage if I do get another job and they don't pay me for a month - for fuck sake - I get myself a job (even though I hate it I was sticking at it) and now look what fucking happens.

I keep asking "when will it all change" but no one can give me the answer. It's just not bloody fair!

H thought it would be a good idea to put me on match.com

Hmmmmm

Only trouble is I got 'winked' at by the only 'fit fella' on there hahaha!

Wish I had the guts.............

I'm pissed off!

My CRB hasn't come back yet so I'm unable to work on my own - today they decide they've got no work for me tomorrow and probably the rest of the fucking week.

It doesn't matter that for the last 3 weeks I've run my fucking self ragged for them - covering other peoples shifts - working my days and weekends off ...for what? To be told until it comes back there's nothing for me to do?

Why can't they swap me with someone?

Fucking place is a fucking joke and I am really sick of it now. I've worked 10 hr days for them but when it suits them they tell me theres nothing!

Yesterday I set both of my hands on fire. I’m not seriously burnt thank goodness but my hands are sore.

I’d just come out of my last job of the day and I put some alcohol gel on my hands then I lit a cig……………whooooosh………….I was screaming “my hands are on fire” the woman I was with jumped out of the car looking horrified. I don’t know how or why but as I got out of the car to go back into the house I’d just come from so I could put my hands under the tap – the flames just went out.

The lead up to this event has really scared me ……..

I go to the house of an Asian family – I presume the dad (who I look after) is a convert to the Muslim faith as he is a white man.

His son is 25 and next month he will be married – he’s not happy about the arrangement but has no choice.

He is gorgeous and every time I see him I wish I was 20 years younger.

The family take it in turns to sleep in the room with the man I care for and yesterday morning his son was in there fast asleep.

I was sat with the pee bottle 5 inches from him – looking at his lovely face – his full lips – his long eye lashes – he was dreaming as him eye balls were moving – he stretched and his blanket moved and his leg moved and I was wishing the blanket would just slip off! I didn’t want to take my eyes off him but thought I better had in case he woke up and saw me gawping at his young fit body.

So that was that…………………………

Later in the afternoon I had to let a car out of a junction and the driver was also rather cute – I said to the woman I was with “did you see him” and a conversation started up about what K would want me to do – I said to her that I believe if I ever found anyone else he would send a bolt of lightening to hit me.

10 minutes later my hands set on fire.

Make of it what you will but I am now terrified and I am going to stop looking. I’ll spend the rest of my life on my own as I now know exactly how he feels.

I don’t know how I’m coping at the moment but I am – just.

Still hate my job and it’s getting worse by the day. I know it’s very judgmental of me but the people I work with are not the brightest of sparks in the box and it is hard for me as I’ve got to ‘dumb down’ to coin a phrase I really hate.

I hate having to act as though I haven’t a brain in my head – I talk nicely – no regional accent – not my fault just the way in which I was brought up – so when I asked someone the other day if they were ‘aching’ I got the surprise of my life when the woman I was with start shouting at this poor girl “are you H'aking love – are you H'aking” H'aking? She was trying to say aching in a posh voice and it came out as H'aking – I was smiling to myself as I kept thinking a Hake is a bloody fish!

Then someone asked where Cumbria was – the old lady obviously miss heard her and I think she thought she said “where in Cumbria” (the old lady was saying her daughter lived in Cumbria) the old lady said a place name (I’ve never heard of it) the girl then replied “Ah yes that’s where it is” ………..I rewound the conversation in my head – Cumbria is a county not a fucking town or village!

Dear lord what ever happened to the school system?

On top of hating this job I had some sad news yesterday, my grans only surviving sister has got stomach cancer. She has been on kidney dialysis for a lot of years and they have decided to stop her treatment – they say she has 7 to 10 days to live. God love her heart. My Great Auntie D is a lovely lady who was 90 last Sunday. I can’t believe she is going to die. She adopted my dog when we moved over to Germany in 1979 and every year for years and years we would go to the village fair and she would make a massive buffet for everyone – she baked the most wonderful buns and I will never forget her jam tarts!

I thought with it being September we might escape a death in the family this year but not so!

I will have to go to her funeral – I couldn’t bear not to – I love my Great Auntie D – just worrying that I won’t cope.

Other than that my other auntie who only had a few weeks left to live is now home and ok! I said to my sister last night I will never EVER believe another word that is said about her till I see them lower her coffin into the ground! I just can’t understand why she bands about her demise like she does – it’s cruel to people who care. Nasty cow!

Right I’m off I’m babysitting Tidgy GD tonight and I need to go check on her.

Oh before I go I had my tarot cards read last night apparently I am going to fall in love and have a very flirtatious relationship……………..Ho hum if only!

Can't wait for tomorrow I'll be able to catch up with blog world.

Yippppeeeee

Is there a law that covers working over 80 hrs in 8 days? Is this the norm? 1 hour break in 10 hrs or 11 hrs?

Anyone know?

PS: R now has 'in a relationship' as his status on face book. I swear if Karen EVER cry's in my presence again I will hit the roof!

Here I go again moan moan moan!

I went out last night - J leaves in two weeks time so we all got together for the last time with her.

I’m gutted that she is going – but that’s not what I want to write about.

One year ago almost to the day we all went to the same place we went last night – last year there was less of us there than there was last night.

Why?

Because just about everyone has a new partner – one man has even got married!

There were only 3 of us who weren’t with someone. Karen, R and me!

Now this is why I felt sick and ugly and worthless and this morning when I woke up I got back to thinking what the fuck is the point!

A long time ago I went to a cocktail evening at S’s house (male S) – I got chatting to R and told him if he ever needed a chat he only needed to ring me. I didn’t fancy him but we got on ok.

Í have seen him once since then but on that occasion I didn’t speak to him cos I thought he was really rude not replying to my emails (about other nights out – asking if him and his boys were ok – that sort of thing.) J said he was a man and men don’t do emails but I thought it rude.

Then last night he was sat next to Karen and she invited him back to her house for ‘coffee’ and off he trotted.

Now why am I bothered? Why have I woken up on self destruct – its not like I liked him.

Karen is almost 50 – she is a wittering, tearful person – she cries every time we go somewhere. I don’t want to sound mean but she isn’t the best of looking people I know (very shallow of me I know) yet she manages to get a man to go home with her.

Where am I going wrong?

Not one single man has stepped into my house since K died 2 years and 4 months ago – besides widowers I’ve not spoken to one single man since K died.

With this crappy new job I’m so tired by 8pm I'm not likely to have any better a social life than I have at the moment – there’s no prospect of meeting any men whilst doing this job. I’m up at 6am and not getting home till 6pm – I’m not earning enough to go out often – oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

There must be something very wrong about me – there really must.

I don’t want to sink again but this morning I’ve hit a low again. I just want my husband back. For what ever reason he loved me – I don’t want to grow old alone!

Why did I think I'd like this fucking awful job?

Roll on Monday!

I’m working odd hours today 7-9.30 then again 3-6.

I’ve decided to wait till next Monday and see when the next child minding course starts before making any decisions – sometimes it’s better to wait than to jump in feet first I suppose.

I’ve been down this morning to spend some time with B and my grandchildren – her baby is due in 20 days time eeekk.

I keep wondering what he will look like as little GS looks so much like K. Tiny GD is altering so much god love her – she has started to dance every time she hears the tiniest bit of music. Dancing means bending her little knees and dropping to her bum then up again. It’s so sweet to watch.

H is waiting now for the out reach nurse to come and weigh tidgy GD. (what the heck will I call the new baby? I’m running out of words for small haha!) She was 9lb’s 9oz 3 weeks ago and she really has grown so much since then. She really is a little miracle who is desperate to turn over but just can’t manage the last bit.

I do so love all my little Grandbabies – they are all so very different in looks as well as personality. There’s only little GS who looks like K – the other two look like no one.

So in 20 days or so my 4th grandbaby will be here. I wish K was here to meet him – but he wasn’t here for the other 2 and as sad as it was that he wasn’t here – I was and I feel so lucky to be a ‘nanny’ – me – a nanny who’d have believed it haha!

Right I’m off to get some lunch before having a quick shower and getting back out there to work my bleeding arse off for nowt!

Oh what a weekend.

I had two ten hour shifts over the weekend. I won’t describe the horror of the jobs I had to do but I threw up in two different houses!

H suggested I put some karvol on a hankie and sniff it when needed – believe you me I had that hankie jammed up my nose on more than one occasion. It’s ever so easy to pretend you’re just wiping your nose!

Now I know I’m not thick – I pick up most things really quickly – you only need to tell me once and I’m ok. So you can imagine my annoyance with the fucking prat I had to work with over the weekend – he treated me like a fucking imbecile – to the point where I wanted to kick his fucking legs from under him!

Firstly he told me “your face really can’t fit as this is the round they give people they don’t like” Ok if that is true why the fuck did they employ me?

Then he complained the whole weekend that I was holding him up and making him late for the next person! Fuck off! He was SO SLOW! I’ve never seen anyone work so SLOW in all my born days. How the fuck can it take someone 20 minutes – yes 20 minutes to dry someone’s legs?

The stupid pillock makes himself late but he had the audacity to say it was me!

He said he always makes sure he goes that ‘extra mile’ yep he goes that extra mile alright but at fucking snails pace!

Then two things happened that tipped the balance and almost made me walk away leaving him stranded.

Firstly I was 4 minutes late (I had to run home for my bank card that I’d forgotten cos I needed petrol) he’d phoned the out of hours service and told them I’d QUIT the job! I got a phone call just as I was walking in from the out of hours people asking where I was! I said I was just walking in and she said “oh”! What else could she say? He then went on to say “I told them after yesterday (Saturday) you’d quit and I needed cover”

I went to town on him I really did. Fucking idiot!

Then to make matters much worse for himself when he learnt that K had died (through a women we make dinner for – she had asked if I was married) he turned round and said “I bloody wish my ex had died it would have made my life easier” FUCKING WANKER!

I can’t express the words I want to say about that but what a fucking tosser – I just wish he’d said it in front of all my widow friends as he’d have been in hospital without any bollocks! I just ignored him thereafter – I didn’t speak one word to him!

Anyway I am going to the office today to make absolutely sure they now why we were held up and to ask why if my face doesn’t fit did they employ me in the first place!

So it hasn’t all been doom and gloom as I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I know this isn’t the right job for me – even though there are some good bits to it – so I’ve got three options – sell the house and rent somewhere and have a wad of cash to fall back on – or sell the house and buy a 2 bed flat (or house) outright and work part time knowing I have freed up my pensions or last but not least do the child minding course – set up my own business and wait till the house prices rise again.

I’m lucky I’ve made a lot of money on my house and even with the market as bad as it is if I sell it I’ll have a lot of money to play with. I also wouldn’t have to worry if I rented as I’d have the profit in the bank and my pensions to pay the rent.

I’m trying to decide which is my best option and I’ve got a few estate agents coming round this week to give me an idea of just what I could expect to get if I was to put it up for sale. J has sold her house and she only had it on the market for less than 3 weeks – so there is hope that it will sell.

I also know from this last two weeks I need a job where I can use my brain! I find this job so dull and repetitive ……as I say a trained monkey could do it and they’ve certainly got one of the most obnoxious orangutans working for them I’ve ever come across in my life. WANKER!