I have just been to the grave yard and sat with K for an hour. I miss him so much.

Yes I’ve learnt to live without him but that doesn’t stop me missing him.

I wish could just ring him or text him – I am so fed up – I need him here – my panic attacks have been thick and fast in the last few days and I know they are only invading me because I REALLY do not want to do this job. I keep feeling really sick at the thought of washing someone else. It really is freaking the fuck out of me to think one day I might find someone dead.

So I went to see K hoping for some answers but as usual I got fuck all, which made me feel even worse.

I can’t talk to anyone about not wanting this job when I’ve tried even with B & H all I get is “you’ve got no money get over it and get on with it”!

I need to know that this is not all there will be to my life – I need to know something better is out there.

Mr OTR is fucking me off too with his wonderful smile and fit body. I just wish he would fuck off and never come back! What he is doing isn’t fair.

I’m just sick of everything today.