parallel universe

I smell - I smell of them

It's disgusting - I've rubbed myself raw in the shower and I still smell of them!

I threw up in someones house this morning! I can not cope but I can't quit - I've got no money

What do I do to get this stench off my skin?

I am sat here bewildered and confused crying like a fool.

I went out on my round this morning and my supervisor met me and the woman I am shadowing at a house that needs two carers.

I was busy doing whatever when I heard the lady say to my supervisor “she is lovely – I really love having her here – she’ll make a really good carer.” She was talking about ME!

She said I was a ‘lovely girl’ bless her heart.

Then we went to the next lady and she told me she had phoned the office about me – I panicked and thought “fuck what did I do wrong” so she said “don’t look worried love I phoned them to tell them that I really like you and you are doing a wonderful job!”

I cried all the way home – I hate this job and will quit as soon as I possibly can but I am also feeling really guilty after these two people have said such lovely things about me. If it wasn’t for the emotional shit it’s set off in my head I think I’d stick it out but it’s too hard for me to remove myself.- I’m not that type of person!

Oh blimey…………………..!!!!!

Oh dear fucking good god – I HATE IT. I absolutely hate this job.

Not only do I hate the job the hours are fucking me off too, I’ve been out come home – been out come home and now I’m home till 12! Then I’m not back again till 6. Still it is giving me time to look for something else.

My confidence has been boosted a bit and after a very long conversation with C last night – I’m seeing things in a different light!

“I’m being punished for not looking after K” I wailed down the phone to her last night

“No you’re not you are punishing yourself” she said in a calm matter of fact way.

And do you know the more I thought about what she said the more I began to realise what I’ve done and why I’ve done it.

Firstly I didn’t think I was capable of getting anything else after all the applications I sent out I thought no one wanted me.

I sent it to the care company because I thought they can’t dispute my experience – I never thought for a split second that they would take just any old bod that happened to turn up!

Then I thought that I might get a second chance at caring for someone – after all I didn’t do a great job with K did I? I mean he died! But that’s been my mistake and I’ve realised it now – he would have died no matter what. No one can care for someone so they don’t die – they can make their lives more bearable but no one can stop anyone from dying.

I could have sat holding K’s hand 24/7 but he would still have died.

When I was talking to C about this I began to wonder why we do everything in our power to prolong lives ………. I can’t go into detail as much as I would love to – but it seems so fucking cruel to keep some of the people I’ve seen over the few days alive. They’ve no quality to their lives and it breaks my little heart.

So I’ve been busy thinking – I did my best for K – I really really did – I can not turn the clocks back and I can not re-live those days by caring for other people. They are not K & they never will be.

Back to the job search - and now I’ve got to stay positive and think – I can do this – someone somewhere has to give me a change – law of averages?

I took some fresh flowers to the grave yard this morning – whilst I was cleaning the headstone and arranging the flowers I was having a good old moan.

“Why can’t you look after me from heaven?”

“How come other people claim to have messages from beyond the grave when I don’t?”

That kind of moaning on…………………..

I walked up to Rosie’s grave and spent a little time moaning at her……….

“Get your Grandad to help me”

As I left the grave yard I turned the radio on and heard this…………

After K died it was all I played for months on end

Do you think he was trying to tell me something?

I just texted B and said "when you see me tomorrow I will be bald"

I am so bored I could pull my hair out!

You'd think I'd be happy - new job - car fixed - but I'm still missing something in my life

Blimey it’s turned chilly out there this afternoon.

I had a lovely morning with B and my grandbabies – we went shopping then sat in the park the sun was out and it was warm – just been out for a cig and I’m cold!!!

I’m envying my sister who is at this moment on her way to France on holiday – wish with all my heart I could have a holiday.

Anyway my training is over and I am now a ‘carer’ but not for long. I got offered the NHS job that I went for but I turned it down – who’d have thought I’d ever turn anything down but I just didn’t like the sound of the job & it was a lot further away from home than I thought – the fella who was interviewing me kept saying “how do you deal with stress” blah blah so that put me off to – so for now I’m a ‘carer’!

I don’t want to be I can tell you that for nothing. I went out on Tuesday with this woman – shadowing – as they call it and I spent all Tuesday night crying. Those poor people – one man reminded me so much of K I almost ran out of the house – everything about him yelled “this is what K was like do you remember?” I can’t deal with that – I also can’t deal with the fact that most of these people will die. Their little frail bodies made me so very very sad – I’m not emotionally strong enough to do this job although till I get something else I will do my best.

I’ve been to the grave yard so often this week – I’ve not been like this for a very long time – it’s made me miss my K so much it’s almost unbearable.

I thought I would hate the practical side – washing and dressing – but it’s not that – I just can not give them 100% of me as there’s nothing more inside of me to give.

I’ve got another interview on Wednesday so fingers crossed for that.

I’ve enjoyed being out of the house – it’s been wonderful to do something different but I’m not a ‘carer’ not anymore.

So ……………….anyone know of any lonely fella’s out there who fancy a good night out in the company of ME?? I need a man (or woman I’m not fussy) – I need a hug and a bloody stiff drink and a laugh – its been one heck of a week!

I'll try to catch up over the weekend - by the time I get home H's boyfriend is already on here so I'm not able to get on.

I don't like the job but not for the reasons I thought - I had the interview today but I'm not sure even if I got it I'd want it.

Got a phone call half an hour ago about another job I applied for - got an interview for that next week.

How come for months and months I get nothing - worrying about it made me feel ill and now interviews are popping up like mad?

I WANT A NEW COMPUTER - I miss it so very very much!

Wish things would change round here too - H seems to have a real big downer on me at the moment and it is breaking my heart.

About 6 weeks ago I applied for a job with the local health trust - switchboard type job. I filled in an onlie application form and got a message back saying if I was short listed they would inform me via email.

Then I had the interview for the solicitors then the one for this ‘carers’ job I’ve gone and got myself.

I hadn’t thought about the NHS on until I logged on to my emails yesterday – I’ve got an interview on Thursday morning 9.30am.

HELP what do I do?

I’ve got to go to this interview BUT I am supposed to be training for the other job at 9.30 the same morning. The training is all week long so I've not got another day to phone up and say 'could I change it too............'

I can’t say I’m poorly cos I don’t want to miss a whole day because they might not let me start if I miss a whole days training – and I need the money and the job just in case I don’t get the NHS one.

Idea’s please & lots of them.

My neighbour R said I looked tired today, I realised as she said it I’ve not been sleeping well again recently.

I think because it is normal now I don’t think about it – I go to bed – read for half an hour then fall fast asleep but I might only have been asleep ten minutes and I’m wide awake feeling like I’ve slept all night!

I’ve had a busy day today – I needed some trousers and shoes for this ‘job’ so I went and got some – right bargain £6 for a pair of trousers in matalan!!!!!!

Then I met up with B & my grandbabies and we bought some chips and sat in the park – H & Tidgy were with us and it was really really lovely. I sat on the grass with little GS “Look Nanny I’m running” as he sprinted round the park. He is so bright and I adore him so much.

Tiny GD was tottering around love her little heart and Tidgy was bawling as per!

When I got home I started the washing – H & Tidgy and D went out and I sat in the kitchen and cried my eyes out. I don’t know what’s wrong with me this week – I’ve not wanted K back as bad as this for such a long time.

Maybe it’s because my life is changing and he’s not here to see it – I don’t know. All I do know is I miss him terribly this week. Think I just need a hug!

I am going to an wedding reception tomorrow night – I don’t really want to go but I’ve got to make the effort. Can’t moan I’m lonely and fed up then miss opportunities can I?

I am going to the shopping centre in a few minutes to look for something sexy and red! I might never have another man in my life (don’t think I want one anyway the way I’m missing K at the moment) but I do want to look nice just in case haha!

What do you think?

I am well and truly fucked off!

Princess flaming Eugenie gets 3 bloody A levels (1 being in my favourite subject Art history) and it makes the news – I get the equivalent of five A levels and no fucker gives a shit. Bet she doesn’t end up being a fucking carer Cos no one will give her a chance.

It's all bloody wrong!

See I knew it.

I was talking to my cousin this morning (the one who’s son was in the accident) I told her that I’d been told our Auntie only had a week left to live and told her exactly what I’d been told.

When I logged on my Email I had one from her – she had phoned her mum after talking to me and her mum and dad had been to see my Auntie last night! It’s bollocks that she only has a week left to live – they haven’t stopped her injections in fact they are teaching her partner how to do them today so she can go home!

So why is this woman telling my mum all this awful crap? My sister is furious because our mum has been so very upset this week. Personally I’m not one bit surprised – it’s just a case of the same old – same old - over and over again & I wonder why I am so fucking cynical!

She did this to my Gran and it upset me then but I was never able to say anything – now she is doing the same to my mum. God help her if she is still alive and kicking at Christmas like my cousins mum was told she would be just last night!

I have just been to the grave yard and sat with K for an hour. I miss him so much.

Yes I’ve learnt to live without him but that doesn’t stop me missing him.

I wish could just ring him or text him – I am so fed up – I need him here – my panic attacks have been thick and fast in the last few days and I know they are only invading me because I REALLY do not want to do this job. I keep feeling really sick at the thought of washing someone else. It really is freaking the fuck out of me to think one day I might find someone dead.

So I went to see K hoping for some answers but as usual I got fuck all, which made me feel even worse.

I can’t talk to anyone about not wanting this job when I’ve tried even with B & H all I get is “you’ve got no money get over it and get on with it”!

I need to know that this is not all there will be to my life – I need to know something better is out there.

Mr OTR is fucking me off too with his wonderful smile and fit body. I just wish he would fuck off and never come back! What he is doing isn’t fair.

I’m just sick of everything today.

My Gran meant the absolute world to me – we were not just Gran and Granddaughter we were friends.

I loved her with as much of my heart as I could. She was the most trusting and kind person in my life. Just hearing her little voice on my answering machine made my heart jump with pride – my little Gran.

She went into hospital one day with gout in her hand and she never came home.

It was truly the most distressing time in my life – little did I know at that time it could be worse.

I visited her often and never gave up hope that she would soon be home – in fact the day they took her into hospital I was with her – sat on her bed at home chattering about Diana and the butler (Paul Burrell’s book had just come out) we were having a lovely day then the doctor arrived and said it was best she went into the hospital.

I told my mum I’d be surprised if they kept her in but they did and two weeks later she had a heart attack a week later she died. My little ray of sunshine gone!

During the week after the heart attack my family kept a round the clock bedside vigil up – no one left her side.

I went over to see her on the Saturday morning (she died later that evening) I was shuffled into this room where my little Gran lay – it was stifling – there was no air – around her bed were 7 people – I wanted to run. I got shoved towards her bed but I felt unable to say anything to her with all those faces looking at me.

Then a strange thing happened. A nurse came in to changed a drip she had up – everyone was asked to leave – one by one they got up but because I’d been shoved to the opposite side of the room I was last to leave but I didn’t leave the nurse asked me if I wanted to stay.

So I did – I got to say goodbye to the lady who didn’t realise how much she had helped me all my life – just with a cheery hello she could turn a shit day into a good one.

I sat alone and held her hand and told her – I thanked her for everything she had done for me – when I mentioned K I swear to this day she murmured – that time was all to brief and one by one everyone filed back in.

Later that night my mum rang to say “she’s gone Katie” I thought my heart would never mend.

A year later K came with me to her grave and he said to me “do you think she would want to see you so sad” I knew she wouldn’t but it didn’t stop me missing her.

Then two years later B had a baby girl Rosie – she was so very poorly and only lived for 43 minutes – I was left in a room with this tiny little bundle who had died – she was in a cot and B was in surgery – I thought that was the most dreadful day of my life until K died.

There I was holding a tiny little mite who was not breathing. My granddaughter. My first grandchild.

Her funeral was unbearable – the little white coffin – the rain – B’s heart broken sobs – the bewildered look on her little face.

Then almost a year and a month to the day of Rosie’s death K died.

I used to say to him “don’t die in St James’ as I don’t want to carry bags of your belongings out of there and don’t linger” he used to joke back about the “famous final death bed scene.”(Bob Segers song the 'famous final scene' had been adapted to the death bed - black humour but it helped us) He didn’t want that. He used to say “I don’t want people sobbing over me” well he got his wish and I got mine.

This is why I am in two minds about going to see my Auntie

I just can’t bring myself to go to yet another death bed but then I keep thinking I should, but then I think what would she think “they are only coming to see me because my life is ending” or would she be pleased that we cared enough to go and see her.

Oh I don’t know what to do. To be honest I just don’t think I’m strong enough to sit and talk to her like nothing is wrong. I can’t talk to her like I did my Gran cos she was unconscious.

I didn’t get to say “goodbye” to K which I really wish I had – as I said yesterday I am now totally sick of death and all the pain and heart ache it brings.

Maybe I should just keep texting her – or am I a coward for not facing her?

Just one more week and I’ll be in paid employment!

However I don’t want to write about that.

Last night I got told my Auntie has 2 weeks to live. How they can be so precise I don’t know. I know I am extremely cynical but when you’ve been told someone is dying since the day you were born how can you help it.

I do feel sad though – she is my Auntie after all. A bit like with K I never imagined the day would come when she wouldn’t be here bemoaning her life’s woes to anyone who will listen.

She lead my dear Gran a merry dance when she was alive – threatening suicide – my Gran used to be besides herself with worry.- my Gran and Grandad fell out no end of times over her. Only recently did my Grandad fall out with her completely. Wonder what he’s thinking now.

I remember H’s 18th – my auntie had shingles and in the renal unit there were posters all over about avoiding people with shingles so I asked if she would mind not coming – I’d looked after K too long to let shingles kill him off – she went mental with me – she wrote me a horrible letter and phoned me yelling at me that I was wrong and shingles wouldn’t effect K – she then didn’t talk to me for ages.

So now my mum says nothing more can be done and that’s it!

I’m left wondering ‘who next’!

I don’t know if I should go and see her or is it ghoulish? Even through our ups and downs she has always claimed I am her favourite niece – I dunno. I’m sick of death invading my life.

Lets hope that they can stem the leak she has and she goes on to live for a few more years yet – just like always!

This time next week I will be thinking about starting my training as a ‘home carer’!

I am so very disappointed – why can I walk into a job like that where no one gives a shit about your qualifications just so long as you can wipe arses?

I just feel I’m letting myself down so badly but no one else would take me on out of the 200 or so CV’s I sent out I got 2 interviews & the job I got a trained monkey could do standing on his head.

What was the point in me going to college for 3 years (4 if you include my time on the community media course) honestly what a complete and utter waste of my fucking time!

Why couldn’t anyone see past the fact that I had no experience? What would it have taken for me to ‘shine’?

I’m not thick or inarticulate for god sake!

I know I’ve been offered this job – I know I start it on the 18th but my head is screaming at me “is this the best you can do” then the other side shouts back “but no one else would give me a chance” I need the money plain and simple however I know deep down I am probably about to make the worst mistake of my life.

I keep thinking “do I need a degree?” but then I’ve proved that as an older person it really doesn’t matter a fucking damn what qualifications you’ve got..

Then I keep thinking “what can I do at college to make the situation any better?”

I won’t be able to do any evening classes as this job includes evenings – so I’ve fucked myself up there.

I want a job with a bit of ……………..responsibility – for want of a better word – I want to be in an environment where I will meet people and put my own set of skills into practice – this job is just going to screw up what tiny bit of a social life I’ve got.

I could see her eyes when I said I could work evenings at the weekend – it was like “yipppeeeee we’ve found the idiot”

ARGH! I fucking hate the cosmos – it always picks up on the shit I really don’t want and throws it back at me 100 times harder!

What can I do to save myself?

I'm sick of being so lonely!

I am babysitting and I’m enjoying the peace and quiet.

I missed most of the wedding and the reception cos of Tidgy’s crying but I got some photos taken.

To tell the story of the day would take a few hours and I can not be bothered to type for that long

The best part of my day was coming home – as I got out of the car Mr OTR was on his drive he smiled and said “hello” he actually spoke to me! I almost fainted with desire!

It’s fantastic having my car back.

If I’m not to tired after doing the 5am Tidgy feed I am going to go out on to the moors tomorrow. Clear my head of D chewing his nails and Tidgy crying.

I’m tired of hearing my brain going over and over the same old shit.

Bloody hell I’ve got a spare 10 minutes – I’ve had the most hectic week.

Ok so my job is as a home carer, not exactly what I want to do for the rest of my days but it’s a start. The pay isn’t great unless I work weekend evenings – so it looks like I’ll be begging for a few of those shifts till Christmas.

I’m still looking for something else – I’ve applied for an Arts Administrators job – it sounds really interesting so we’ll see but for now I’m actually (well almost) employed!!!!!!

My car is also back on the road. It failed its MOT with dangerous brakes eeek! I am so very very grateful to my mum and dad for lending me the money. I can’t wait to start earning to pay them back as I would hate to be in debt to them for a long time.

My last bit of news is – I’m a taking pre wedding photos tomorrow & she wants some contemporary ones doing of her & her new husband that the photographer she has hired won’t take. I said months ago I’d do them just to get some practice in – can’t believe it’s tomorrow – how time fly’s! Now I’m doing this for free (wedding present) however the bloke that is doing the video wants to look at my photos after to use some in his video – who knows I might get some work put my way. That would be sensational wouldn’t it?

So I am going to my first wedding since K died – I’m looking forward to it (the bride is H’s best friend) but at the same time I’m dreading it. Can’t believe after two years and 3 months I am doing another ‘first’.

I asked if there were any rich single men going but there’s not! Oh well can’t have everything can I?

I got the job. They offered me it there and then - I start on the 18th!

I still hope the solicitors get in touch (they said they would send a letter if I didn't get it and I've still not had one so I'm hoping) as I'm not sure I am cut out to be a 'home carer' but I GOT A JOB haha!

I did it - I did it yippee yippe yeah yeah!!!

OMG my mum and dad are here stopping for a few days - my car goes in for it's MOT tomorrow - my dad is lending me the money. I have cried on and off all day.

PLUS:

I have got two job interviews tomorrow. FINGERS CROSSED AGAIN. I've not had a rejection letter from the solicitors so H thinks I might still be in with a chance! Who knows.

PLUS

B has offered me a loan of £300 to get a new computer. I would take her up on it but I need to sort out paying my dad back before borrowing anymore.

But how's that for a day?

I'm so excited - I can not wait for my car to be fixed. Oh my god. I'm so grateful to my dad and mum bless their hearts.

I can not do this any more.

I've £60 left to my name - I've been rejected time and time and time again - I can't even get myself a fucking cleaning job. What the fuck is so wrong with me that makes me so unworthy?

I'm defeated - simple as - I've given up the fight as it really isn't worth it.

I've had it - I've tried but I can't keep trying.

 Mr otr isn't at work - he was faffing around the bedroom window (mrs otr is away and has been all week) so I gave him something to look at

My new moto 'in for a penny' and all that - I've nothing to loose so what the fuck!