I think I’m in final melt down. 

No money 

No prospect of a job.

 No sex for over 2 years. 

J is moving. 

My car and comp are fuckered. 

Mr OTR lives with her and I have to accept it. 

My auntie is apparently really dying this time. (cynical me still says I’ll believe it when it happens!) 

Oh god I want this all to change. 

I want Mr OTR to get divorced – how awful is that of me hey? 

I want to rob a bank – better than becoming a hooker! 

Do you know the other night I asked the cosmos to supply me with men who would pay for sex – that’s how low I’ve sunk. 

I hate K for dying on me so much so it took me all my strength of will not to tear all his photos to pieces the other night. No matter which way I look at it he could have helped himself – looked after himself better and he wouldn’t have died. I really really hate him.

 I hate myself too.
 
How on earth have I let myself sink so low that I am planning a life of prostitution as it is the only way I can see to making the money I need to pay the bills and feed us all. 

I don’t want to die as I want to live to be with my girls and grandbabies but if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here now.