I will try and cut a long story short!  

Over the past few years I’ve organised different things for the widows group I joined.

One of the things I did was always made sure we did something for everyone’s birthdays.

I’ve organised nights out – bought cards – put into present’s blah bloody blah.

Yeah bet you’ve already guess what’s coming however: 

So going back a few months J organized a meal for the ‘couples’ I can’t remember if I wrote about it at the time but I felt alienated and very upset over it. 
I tried to shrug it off but it annoyed me. 

OK Then at the jewellery party I went to a few weeks ago I found out our widows group monthly meal fell on my birthday (which is this week) so two of the women said they couldn’t go as they were on holiday but S – whose birthday was celebrated by us all – astounded me by saying she couldn’t make it as she couldn’t get a baby sitter. 

So then the week before last (or was it last week I can't remember) J invited me to her house. S  (male) - was going to be there but she asked if I wanted to go and have a curry with them – so I agreed – only to have her text me  an hour later and say she would have to call it off as S had something planned for her!

Then she rings me and says they are going to her mums – how did S plan that I wondered?

Then H & D were driving down the street about 8pm and she was just getting the kids in! So she blatantly told porkies!

Why the fuck invite me in the first place? 

She then texted me to ask me to go on a girls night out – I texted back that I couldn’t go – the S texted me and said she had got a baby sitter so I texted back and said sorry if you’ve gone to any trouble getting a babysitter but I’ve planned something else – I haven’t got any plans but I was miffed and still am! 

Then J texted me tonight and told me she had been speaking to a newer member and arranged another curry night would I like to go so I said I had plans! 

Now am I being childish and cutting off my own nose – or am I protecting myself? 

I wonder if J will cancel on the other J?  Doubt it! 

Do you know I’ve done all sorts of things for these people – things I’ve not written about as they’ve just seemed mundane – I feel let down and that sounds contradictory as  J invited me (for the 2nd time) but because she cancelled the first time I don’t want to do it. 

I’ve made special efforts for people I thought were my friends but my birthday isn’t special enough to celebrate oh no. 

What is wrong with me – why is the world rejecting me?

I do everything I can to be happy and positive. I know I moan like fuck on here but I’m not a moaner in real life – I keep it hidden – I smile and laugh and try to look like I am coping even though I’m not – so am I giving off vibes that people pick up on? 

I remember a night out we had when J went on and on saying how beautiful L was and she couldn’t understand why she hadn’t found someone else – then she turned to me and said “someone will see your lovely personality one day” ha fucking ha – so in J’s eyes I must be an ugly munter hey! 

Oh I wish with all my heart things would change for me.