I will try and cut a long story short!  

Over the past few years I’ve organised different things for the widows group I joined.

Yeah bet you’ve already guess what’s coming however: 

So going back a few months J organized a meal for the ‘couples’ I can’t remember if I wrote about it at the time but I felt alienated and very upset over it. 
I tried to shrug it off but it annoyed me. 

OK Then at the jewellery party I went to a few weeks ago I found out our widows group monthly meal fell on my birthday (which is this week) so two of the women said they couldn’t go as they were on holiday but S – whose birthday was celebrated by us all – astounded me by saying she couldn’t make it as she couldn’t get a baby sitter. 

So then the week before last (or was it last week I can't remember) J invited me to her house. S  (male) - was going to be there but she asked if I wanted to go and have a curry with them – so I agreed – only to have her text me  an hour later and say she would have to call it off as S had something planned for her!

Then she rings me and says they are going to her mums – how did S plan that I wondered?

Why the fuck invite me in the first place? 

She then texted me to ask me to go on a girls night out – I texted back that I couldn’t go – the S texted me and said she had got a baby sitter so I texted back and said sorry if you’ve gone to any trouble getting a babysitter but I’ve planned something else – I haven’t got any plans but I was miffed and still am! 

Then J texted me tonight and told me she had been speaking to a newer member and arranged another curry night would I like to go so I said I had plans! 

Now am I being childish and cutting off my own nose – or am I protecting myself? 

I wonder if J will cancel on the other J?  Doubt it! 

Do you know I’ve done all sorts of things for these people – things I’ve not written about as they’ve just seemed mundane – I feel let down and that sounds contradictory as  J invited me (for the 2^nd time) but because she cancelled the first time I don’t want to do it. 

I’ve made special efforts for people I thought were my friends but my birthday isn’t special enough to celebrate oh no. 

What is wrong with me – why is the world rejecting me?

I do everything I can to be happy and positive. I know I moan like fuck on here but I’m not a moaner in real life – I keep it hidden – I smile and laugh and try to look like I am coping even though I’m not – so am I giving off vibes that people pick up on? 

I remember a night out we had when J went on and on saying how beautiful L was and she couldn’t understand why she hadn’t found someone else – then she turned to me and said “someone will see your lovely personality one day” ha fucking ha – so in J’s eyes I must be an ugly munter hey! 

Oh I wish with all my heart things would change for me.