OMG 1 hour I was in there..............1 whole hour!

Thanks Stella for all your suggestions - I thought about it whilst I was driving in and do you know the worst question they asked me was "what would you change about yourself" and the only thing that sprang to mind was "I'd like to be less of a drama queen" the words popped out and I was mortified!

They thought it was funny but I was dying inside.

The job is fairly new so I would be taught how to do everything by a man with the same name as K which threw me a little at first.

Goodness knows if I'll get the job but at least I tried!

This is a very shortened account of the dreaded interview but I am shattered - I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep.

They said they would ring me if I was going to be offered it - I very much doubt it but it was worth going just for the experience!

Oh my fucking good god I've got an interview at 10am tomorrow - the woman just rang me - what the hell do I do? I've NO idea what to say!

I'm panicking really badly!

Please anyone who might happen to read this keep your fingers crossed for me – my friend L told me about a job in a solicitors office over in Leeds – how I will get there is another matter but…………. 

It’s a simple job as long as someone could show me how to do it………….sorting mail – sorting stationary – looking after the library – sending out emails and faxes ….. It doesn’t sound stressful or taxing but I’ve never done anything like it before – she said she will talk to the women who advertised the job about me and my circumstances so hopefully I will at least get an interview.

OH fingers crossed – I really don’t want to sell my body.

I think I’m in final melt down. 

No money 

No prospect of a job.

 No sex for over 2 years. 

J is moving. 

My car and comp are fuckered. 

Mr OTR lives with her and I have to accept it. 

My auntie is apparently really dying this time. (cynical me still says I’ll believe it when it happens!) 

Oh god I want this all to change. 

I want Mr OTR to get divorced – how awful is that of me hey? 

I want to rob a bank – better than becoming a hooker! 

Do you know the other night I asked the cosmos to supply me with men who would pay for sex – that’s how low I’ve sunk. 

I hate K for dying on me so much so it took me all my strength of will not to tear all his photos to pieces the other night. No matter which way I look at it he could have helped himself – looked after himself better and he wouldn’t have died. I really really hate him.

 I hate myself too.
 
How on earth have I let myself sink so low that I am planning a life of prostitution as it is the only way I can see to making the money I need to pay the bills and feed us all. 

I don’t want to die as I want to live to be with my girls and grandbabies but if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here now.

I didn't sleep last night.

J rang me to tell me she has put an offer in on a house and it has been accepted, she hopes to have moved by the 2nd week of September as it is a cash buy!

I discovered that our house prices have fallen by £20,000!

I now feel more trapped than ever.

Yes I will miss J but to be honest at the moment I am more worried about ME!

£20,000 - what the fuck.

So all my hopes of selling up are dashed and I am in real termoil - at least I had the hope that I could if I wanted to sell this house - now I've got nothing to hold on to.

Do you know as dramtic as this will sound I felt around my ribs today wondering what it would feel like to put a knife through my heart.

I can't do this anymore. I've nothing to hold on to and it's unbearable

I’m just back from the post box sending yet another application form off. 

Thankfully I listen to Radio 5 live and have discovered this week I am not the only person in this situation – so here’s hoping I don’t get yet another rejection letter. 

This time I’ve applied for a ‘home carers’ job – it is by no stretch of the imagination what I want to be doing but I’ve got to find something to tide me over. 

I NEVER EVER wanted to care of another living soul after K died but then I thought about all those little old people who like me might never see a friendly face all week – so maybe for selfish reasons I applied – I need the company as much as they do, plus I know I can do it – 15 years of caring for K must count for something!  

Fingers crossed AGAIN! 

If only I can get a job I can get a loan to get my car fixed trouble is for £500 you end up paying back almost £1,000 I don’t want to get in debt but I need my car. 

I’ve decided once I’ve got a job I am going to start concentrating on my love life – or lack of it – 2 years and 2 months is way too long to go – I’ve said a billion times before I don’t want a relationship but I do want someone in my life. 

I don’t mind being alone but I have got to the point where I don’t want to get into my bed alone anymore! I’m bored there if nothing else!!!!! 

If the truth be known I’d rather have K back any day than worry about meeting someone new but that is never going to happen and I need someone grown up to talk to – my grandchildren are wonderful but conversations about ‘baby milk and Thomas the tank’ are getting tiresome!

Why does he have to be married?

I’ve had a really long heart to heart with H. 

She wants to move out but doesn’t want to leave me. 

I want her to move out so I can try and sell this old house and start afresh – to do that I need to get a job & the house on the market. 

I think it’s exciting. 

Trouble is if I move I’ll never see Mr OTR again and that would be really sad. 

He’s home alone at the mo – think Mrs Trunchbull is away with the kids – you’d think that would answer my prayers and I’d be happy but I’m not cos he’s obviously on nights this week!  

To think of him home alone in his bed all day makes my little heart flutter! 

Oh well.

 Least I got to see him semi naked last week haha!

Right got to get on job applying – someone will want me one day (she says with no conviction at all)

What a horrible weekend I’ve had. 

Friday night I went to J’s for a curry – which sounded fun as we had a blast the last time we did it but oh NO!
I came back feeling fucking suicidal.  One of the women she invited cried the whole time we were there. I could have got up and come home but I didn’t feel it right to leave everyone.  
I know grief overwhelms you only too well but I also know that sometimes no matter what you have to hide the tears & heartache. Just wish she’d been able to as it made for an awful night! 

Ho bloody hum! 

Saturday wasn’t much better – I’m getting cabin fever really bad but I’ve no way of getting out – all our big shops are miles away & having no car means I can’t get there. So when I talked to my mum later in the day I felt sick listening to the places she had been and the things she had done.

Ho bloody hum. 

Sunday – well where to begin?

J is moving away. She has found a house and she is going.

The bastard that killed her husband is being released in November having served 2 years and 5 months. 
She was asked last week about an ‘exclusion zone’ she wanted miles and miles however she had to agree to just around our street.
 
It’s so fucking wrong.

He shouldn’t be out of prison, never mind able to wander the streets where she could see him. 

So she is moving – I’ve known for ages that she was looking but I never thought she would really go. I cried my eyes out last night. My buddie is leaving me. I totally understand but from my selfish point of view I don’t want her to go.  

Then I discovered C my other good pal is moving! She is off to Lincolnshire as soon as her boyfriend sells his house.

Gutted is not a good enough word to say how I am feeling right now. 

Then if that wasn’t bad enough I talked to my sister who took great delight in telling me her holiday plans. My mum & dad are going to dog sit for my brother whilst he goes away then they are dog sitting for my sister whilst she goes then they are going away. 

Do you know it’s over 5 years since I had a proper holiday and with no job in sight I’m not likely to get one ever again. 

I am so sick of ‘rejection letters’ it’s soul destroying! 

So woe is me & all I can think is ‘it’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to’ but really I am so going to miss J and C – they’ve helped me during the worst time of my life and for that I will always be truly thankful and very grateful but what the fuck will I do with out their support?  

I am so fed up.

I want K back - more than anything in the world. I miss him so much - its sure as fuck ain't getting any easier in fact it gets harder with every passing day.

I just can't get out of my head that this was going to be "our time" we'd brought up our girls and we were so looking forward to life without them.

I just want him back!

Do I need to sell the house? 

Someone raised the issue of selling up and starting afresh which once again got me thinking. I’m not happy here (as everyone knows by now) but would I only be moving me and my sadness to a new house? 

It’s not the best time to think about selling and I can’t in all consciousness leave H & D and Tidgy homeless but I know deep in my heart I don’t want to be here. 

I’ve changed everything except my bed and still I see him everywhere. It’s not comforting it’s heartbreaking. 
 
I keep telling myself once I get a job I’ll feel differently but will I? I guess I’ve got to wait to find out. 

Is it wrong to want to have my “own” place?  

I know I wouldn’t be sad leaving my house – the thought of living somewhere else makes me feel excited. Oh I don’t know. I’m stuck for now I suppose so I’ve just got to get on with it but if just one of my wishes could come true it would be to find somewhere else to live.

Why does my life always seem to be on hold?  

Tunes:

All very commerical but they are my favourites

NO:5

I love this

NO:4

NO:3

NO:2

And finally my ultimate favourite. I so wish I could go back in time as if I'd been thinking straight at the time I would have had this played at K's funeral.

So NO:1 is for my K - with all my love.

What a beautiful day – got the patio door open and the music turned up loud. I’m listing to some reggae compilation CD – Bobs next. 

No ones home yippppppeeeeeeeeee & I am making the very most of it. 

By the way thank you everyone who sent me birthday wishes. I did have a lovely day – kind of bitter sweet but I did enjoy it. 

I couldn’t get my head around it being my 3^rd birthday without K. Dunno why but it seemed to hit me hard.

Guess it made me realise I’m now in my 3^rd year without him. Something else I’ve realised this last week is I just can’t open myself up to anyone anymore – I’m so frightened of hurting again – I’m cutting off everyone little by little and I’ve got to stop it. I just can’t stand the thought of getting close then losing anyone – not just men I mean my girlie friends too. J keeps talking about moving away so I know I can’t get close as one day she won’t be here – self preservation – I’d rather be alone for ever than ever be hurt again.  

Anyway today I took little GS to the new park they’ve just made down the road – he had a wonderful time – he can climb up the slide! OMG! I was amazed – he’s only just over 2 but there he was climbing up it. I managed to get some brilliant photos of him. He’s so cute & extremely photogenic – love his little heart.

How can I let him into my heart but no one else?  

I’ve taken a big bull by his horns and applied to become a registered child minder today – by the beginning of November I will be able to have my first children.

H is going to do the course with me so we can share the job – it will make more sense as she doesn’t want to go back to work. 

I am also in cahoots with a friend who is going on a short course to learn to read tarot cards over the phone (£350pw) she is coming to see me in the next few days to tell me all  about it. 
Hopefully the course won’t cost a fortune (if it does I’ve had it) and hopefully it won’t take that long! 

So I need something to tide me over for the next 3-4 months. I am going to the job centre on Monday (booked an appointment) I’m not telling them it will only be for 3-4 months. 

This is a start – it’s not path I imagined I would be travelling along but method in my madness says that with the ‘credit crunch’ hitting and recession being talked about lots more mums might have to go back to work – it could work the opposite way in that they might not be able to go to work but there are very few child minders in my area now so it’s worth a try. 

I probably don’t sound like the kind of person to become a child minder but I think I’d make a good one.  

Fingers crossed I can now find something to tide me over.  

I will try and cut a long story short!  

Over the past few years I’ve organised different things for the widows group I joined.

Yeah bet you’ve already guess what’s coming however: 

So going back a few months J organized a meal for the ‘couples’ I can’t remember if I wrote about it at the time but I felt alienated and very upset over it. 
I tried to shrug it off but it annoyed me. 

OK Then at the jewellery party I went to a few weeks ago I found out our widows group monthly meal fell on my birthday (which is this week) so two of the women said they couldn’t go as they were on holiday but S – whose birthday was celebrated by us all – astounded me by saying she couldn’t make it as she couldn’t get a baby sitter. 

So then the week before last (or was it last week I can't remember) J invited me to her house. S  (male) - was going to be there but she asked if I wanted to go and have a curry with them – so I agreed – only to have her text me  an hour later and say she would have to call it off as S had something planned for her!

Then she rings me and says they are going to her mums – how did S plan that I wondered?

Why the fuck invite me in the first place? 

She then texted me to ask me to go on a girls night out – I texted back that I couldn’t go – the S texted me and said she had got a baby sitter so I texted back and said sorry if you’ve gone to any trouble getting a babysitter but I’ve planned something else – I haven’t got any plans but I was miffed and still am! 

Then J texted me tonight and told me she had been speaking to a newer member and arranged another curry night would I like to go so I said I had plans! 

Now am I being childish and cutting off my own nose – or am I protecting myself? 

I wonder if J will cancel on the other J?  Doubt it! 

Do you know I’ve done all sorts of things for these people – things I’ve not written about as they’ve just seemed mundane – I feel let down and that sounds contradictory as  J invited me (for the 2^nd time) but because she cancelled the first time I don’t want to do it. 

I’ve made special efforts for people I thought were my friends but my birthday isn’t special enough to celebrate oh no. 

What is wrong with me – why is the world rejecting me?

I do everything I can to be happy and positive. I know I moan like fuck on here but I’m not a moaner in real life – I keep it hidden – I smile and laugh and try to look like I am coping even though I’m not – so am I giving off vibes that people pick up on? 

I remember a night out we had when J went on and on saying how beautiful L was and she couldn’t understand why she hadn’t found someone else – then she turned to me and said “someone will see your lovely personality one day” ha fucking ha – so in J’s eyes I must be an ugly munter hey! 

Oh I wish with all my heart things would change for me.   

There is going to be a summer fayer in the village where A lives next Saturday. My cousin phoned me last night and asked if I wanted to go with her - I had to say no as I've no way of getting there - I told her about my letter to A and she said she would seek him out and ask him if he recieved it.

ARGH!

I AM SO BORED I WANT TO PULL MY OWN HAIR OUT

I have long since given up on the idea of having another man in my life.

I’ve grown use to my own company – used to being alone – I don’t miss having someone to hold me – or to talk to me in bed on a night – in fact the very idea of a man invading my life sends me into a panic. 

So why is it that when C asked me to babysit for her so she can go out with her fella did the tears well up and I started asking myself the age old question “when will I ever get a date”? “When will someone ever take me out?” 

Confused or what?

Just had to post this

http://www.webhamster.com/

Finally the sun has arrived over my West Yorkshire home! 

Pity Tidgy’s lungs are disturbing the peace and quiet! God this girl can cry. 

She is doing ok. She’s not gaining much weight which is a worry but the out reach nurse has spoken to the dietician who has said H must wait for her appointment with the consultant before any decision can be made as to whether to wean her early or change her milk. 

They bought her a cot on Friday – she has slept through since which is better as we are now all sleeping and less fractious with each other. 

H is coping really well – though I often hear “if you don’t stop crying you’re off back to the hospital!”  

Right I’m off back to the sun shine after all this might be our “summer” & I don’t want to miss it!