Today I woke up and put the radio on – the travel news was on and I sat there listening to various different motorway closures and road numbers that mean fuck all to me – laying there I was hoping that no one had died in any of these accidents but then it struck me – the M5? Where is the M5? Where does it start and where does it go to?

I was listening to the woman saying that there were delays leaving Glastonbury around Stonehenge – Somerset? I’ve never been there. That made me realise how insular my life has become. I feel like I’ve drifted back to another time and place – you know like the olden days when no one travelled! 

That wasn’t always the case – in fact the other night me and H were having a fight over where Chester was on the map – she went and got it and I sat pointing out all the places I’ve been to or lived in. She didn’t believe that I’d been to Coventry or Leicester or Loch Lomond  but I have – I used to go shopping in Nottingham – admittedly I was only young but still I did it. 

So what went wrong? K died of course.

Now my car is fucked and off the road I feel like I am going to be stuck in this god forsaken fucking shit hole for the rest of time – I HATE where I live – I always have – it’s a nothing village/town – I just hate it.  

Anyway then something odd happened.

I was talking to R – my neighbour who is turning into a really good friend – and I was telling her about my old boat fund – long since spent but hey ho – H piped up and said she found a birthday card she had written to K and it said “Here dad put this in the boat fund” She has obviously given him a fiver.

 Anyway this morning she went to collect the mail and there was a letter for K from a boat company he had registered with offering him the deal of the century – pity he’s dead as it was a good offer! 

So bearing everything in mind he is obviously again trying to tell me something – why can I never work out exactly what it is?  

I must be getting old - I'm sat here listening to Dale Winton on Radio 2 playing 'the oldies' and I heard this

I love this song it reminds me so much of K - it didn't make me cry it made me smile so I thought I'd share it

A lover of the colour red. Especially red shoes and red nail varnish
Butterfly minded
Celery and cream cheese is my favourite sandwich filler
Dreadfully scared of snakes and slugs
Easter holidays fill me with terror
Five foot two and a bit
Grey eyed
Hate medical dramas on TV with a passion
In need of a long relaxing holiday
July is when my birthday is
Keen on Mr OTR!
Lonely, loving and loyal
Musically talentless
Never drink tea
Orange fake tanned people make me giggle
Patience is not my strong point
Quiet till I get to know people
Russian male accent turns me on
Siberia is somewhere I’d like to visit
Tarot cards creep me the fuck out
Useless at DIY
Very sick of not having sex
X? xtra virgin olive oil makes me poorly
Yellow is my least favourite colour
Zen Buddhism is something I’d like to study more

What a week! 

I need a cig so I’m off in the garden – thankfully its not pissing down today! 

Be right back. 

That’s better. 

I had a lovely morning this morning – the 'sure start' people were in the park doing all sorts of things so B & me took little GS and tiny GD – she feel asleep but he had a wonderful time and it was amazing to watch him. He played in the water pit and the sand and made a picture from pasta and pea’s and then he played with the lentils – mashing and pouring – he was devastated when we had to leave.
I think B finally realised he needs to go to play group! 

It’s such a joy to watch my grandbabies – I love every second I spend with them – they all give me so much happiness.  

Yesterday was Tiny GD’s 1^st Birthday – I can hardly believe a whole year has gone by – to mark her birthday she walked from one side of the room to the other – bless her little heart! 

I’ve been down for much of the week so the last two days have been a god send. 

I was talking to someone (another widow) a few days ago who actually said what I have been thinking – year two is harder than year one because everything is so much more real. The numbness has gone and reality hits home.
She said she coped worse in year 2 than she did in year 1 which made me feel like I wasn’t going insane or just feeling sorry for myself – which made me feel a whole lot better. 

Just wish I could find a job – I’ve had too many rejection letters now with out ever getting an interview! Oh well something will turn up! 

Last but not least Mr OTR was at it again the other night so I drew the curtains he looked perplexed so I un-drew them and he smiled! Hmmmmmm!

Between this that and the bloody other I’ve really not had time to sit and write properly for what seems like weeks. 

Nothing much has changed – plod plod plod! 

I however am becoming slightly (more so ) obsessed with Mr OTR!

I KNOW I shouldn’t even think about it – he’s married – but I can’t help feeling the way I do.  

Last night he was watching me watching him – he was stood at the window looking in on me – he is so fit – his muscles – OMG!  

Why does he do this too me?

He taunts me – but what does he get out of it?  

I just get frustrated – I hate not being able to have what I want. Spoilt brat in me coming out I guess! 

Other than that I’ve not heard from my Grandad or A – it’s been almost a month so I guess my granddad really is pissed off with me and always will be as for A I expected as much so that’s not bothered me. 

My dad still hasn’t got his scan results – I keep thinking no news is good news. 

It’s Tiny GD’s first birthday on Friday – love her little heart – I’ve got loads of clothes for her as she really needs them – sounds a boring present for her first birthday but I bought her a keepsake for Christmas. I just keep thinking “where’s the year gone?” 

Right I’m off to water the plants – see if Mr OTR is out and about haha! 

Poor man – dunno why I say that when he so obviously stands there on purpose – just wish he would say “hello” or something!

Can't sleep
Baby SCREAMING - H crying = D yelling
Car's fucked!
No money to get it fixed!
No escape!

I'm drowning

As much as I adore my newest Grandaughter - my nerves are constantly on edge - she does nothing but scream and I mean SCREAM! Night and day - day and night - I've hardly slept in 2 weeks - it is REALLY getting me down!

It makes me smile everytime I hear it.

Still working on the A-Z of me it's harder than I thought!

I just heard this for the first time and it made me cry my eyes out.

I just still miss K so much. I don't ever think my heart will mend.

Mr OTR does make me laugh. 

For the last few days D has had to bring home the works van which has meant with 2 cars and a van on the drive H has had to park her car round the corner. We live on a cul de sac so you have to turn round at that corner. 
Now Mr OTR never turns his car there NOT ever – he usually pulls off the pavement outside his house and reverses down his own drive – but not tonight – oh no – he saw me and H pulling up round the bend and what did he do? He drove to the corner and reversed there – grinning at us as he did so - then he stopped and waved, grinning from ear to beautiful ear!

I do love Mr OTR – he is cute and sexy but besides anything else he always cheers me up!

Love you K
xxx

Last night I was rummaging in a box under my bed looking for some paper – I noticed my diary from 2001 and decided to read it. 

What a year that was. 

Firstly it was the year that K went through more by pass surgery – he had one toe amputated then a few weeks later he was told he would have to have an under knee amputation. I remember so clearly been taken to this room where old men were learning how to walk on their prosthetic legs.  
K was distraught but reading my words I think I was resigned to it all. 

He didn’t have an under knee amputation in the end he had what the call a  transmetatarsal amputation that meant taking all his toes away and part of his foot – I wrote that it reminded me of a horses hoof! 

K’s health wasn’t my only worry in 2001 – my auntie was in and out of hospital and so was my Gran.
 
They were in and out as often as K. I said in my diary at the time and I still say it to this day - I swear she faked her illness to get her into hospital!  My Gran wanted to visit my auntie but no one could take her so time and time again she collapsed and was also taken to hospital where the nurses on the ward would wheel her to my auntie! Make of that what you will. 

I guess I could have coped with all this had it not been for my mum & dad descending on me almost every weekend for MONTHS! They visited K once in all those weekends!

Visiting my Gran and Auntie and using my house instead of a hotel.

How did I do it?

Putting up with cooking, cleaning, changing beds – K being ill – H was in the middle of her GCSE’s and B was taking her exams at uni – all the stress that K’s ill health brought you’d have thought the last thing anyone would do was burden me more ….. 

Had to smile however - my Auntie was so seriously ill – she was dying – she would never come out of hospital – 7 years later they are still saying the same god damn thing about her and still she lives on – unlike K and my Gran!  

 1. What I was doing 10 years ago:

I really have no recollection as to what I was doing ten years ago – if I was to guess I’d say ‘getting ready for K’s birthday – probably one he spent in the confines of the bloody hospital!’

2. What 5 things are on on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

Finish the book I’m reading
Visit my grandbabies
Hang the washing out
Watch Big Brother
Perv on Mr OTR! (that’s what I’ve done today)

3. Snacks I enjoy:

Rivita with marmalade
Cheese and onion crisps

4. Things I would do if I was a billionaire:

Buy houses for everyone in my family & make sure they never went without.
Donate to the British heart foundation and British Diabetic association
Travel the world for a year

5. Places I have lived:

Oxford
Lincoln
Germany (JHQ Rheindahlen)

I just pulled up my drive and turned to see Mr Over the Road pinch Attila's arse

GUTTED!

Behind Mr Over the Roads house, they are building a new estate of executive homes! 

Twice now they have cut through the electric cables – last time we were left without electricity for almost 4 hours – so we were pretty fed up today when they cut through them again! 

S – Who lives next door to Mr OTR was out in her front garden so I checked with her that her electric was also off. We ended up having a really long chat – she moved into her house 3 months before I moved in mine so we’ve known each other 14 years – though I can probably count on my fingers how many conversations we’ve had. 

We got chatting about Mr OTR – she was saying they haven’t spoken in years because of his wife. She says “you should hear her going on and on at him – she definitely wears the trousers in that relationship – she’s got a right nasty gob on her” See I knew all couldn’t be well behind closed doors else he wouldn’t strut around semi naked and wave and smile the way he does. 

As we were talking about them he pulled up – my heart went into over drive when he smiled at me.

He is just so damn fucking cute! Oh why oh why is he married to Attila the Hun?

I just can't stop singing this song - it's been in my head for days - hopefully posting it on here with release me from it's grip!