I survived!
 
I don’t know what I expected to happen but whatever it was didn’t. 

Today I was in Argos with H getting some things for Tidgy (she will be home mon/tues)As we were stood the bloke who was behind the counter stood right next to us. I was looking at him looking at his face (he wasn’t good looking particularly) he looked tired – he had lots of stubble but he smelt nice.  

For a brief second I wanted to reach out and touch his face - I think I must be going slightly barking – I wanted to feel a mans face on my hands. 

As I drove home I felt a pain I’ve not felt since the day K died – it’s like the pit of my stomach opens and its just empty but it hurts – then the tears started – not little trickily ones but huge big blobby ones!  

I miss being part of a couple – I miss having a man in my life – but I still feel like I would be betraying K if I even looked at another man – not only that but I don’t ever want to get hurt again. 

 I am supposed to be going out on a girlie night out on Friday – the idea behind it was that S could find someone else as M dumped her – but how boring will that be?  

I’m not supposed to turn anything down this year – say yes to everything – but I think I’ve become old and boring before my time – I’m not a teenager anymore but I look at lads that are half my age and think “that’s what I’m really after" not some old godger – but I am older – I’m not in my 20’s anymore – oh fuck do you know what I haven’t a clue what I am typing anymore never mind what it is I want!!!!!!!