Eeeek! 

Well I’ve done it now and unless I attack the post man there is no going back. 

I’ve written to my half cousin once removed A – it will probably cause a stir within the family but fuck it I don’t care. 
It was a friendly letter suggesting he got in touch as I’ve not had much to do with anyone since my granddad fell out with me – I kept it cheery and short and told him to stop by if ever he was passing or to give me a ring for a good old catch up!  

I’ll let you know if he gets in touch! I can’t imagine he wouldn’t. 

Also I’ve written to my Grandad. I sent him some photos of my grandbabies and wrote a little about them all. I hate the fact he won’t talk to me. I found out the other day he was showing great concern for my cousins boy who was in the accident (he came out of his coma last weekend and is doing really well – they are talking now about sending him to rehab) so it got me thinking – maybe he does care about me and my cousin but doesn’t know how to make it right – hence my letter. 

I’ll let you know if he replies too. 

Other than that life is just ticking by. I’ve not had anything worth writing about for a while – maybe that’s a good thing haha!           

Since my computer died on me life has been so very different. 
Weirdly different. 
Instead of sitting with the laptop on my knee trudging though forums that made me cross at times to playing pointless games – I now find myself out more – or reading more – still searching for a job but hey ho! 

Last night I sat up and watched ‘Educating Rita’ I’ve never seen it before – the end made me realise a few things – firstly I have choices – ME – me alone – not me and K – not me and the girls – ME!

Constantly I put everyone first now I want something for me.  

I want to travel and learn and soak in the world – I can’t afford to travel yet but that’s my aim. Yes I lived over in Germany but it was like living in mini England – other than that I’ve had one week in Minorca about 15 years ago – I want to see more of the world than that.  

I want to go to Paris and New York but I also want to go to India and Eastern Europe – I will find my soul mate in Russia – I’ve always had that feeling since being a little girl!  

I wish my fortune would change so I could have these experiences. Who knows maybe one day it will happen for real but right now it’s a lovely dream!   

I keep turning over the ‘miracle’ and ‘romance’ angel cards! The third card I’ve picked has just been random but for 4 days they are what I’ve picked.  I thought the cards must be stuck together or something so I threw them in the air – let them fall and scatter but still I picked out the same ones!!! So here’s hoping for a miracle (my finances get sorted) and that a mysterious tall, dark haired man walks into my life and sweeps me off my feet! 

Other news in brief Tidgy is doing great – had to put cotton wool in my ears last night – the screaming got to much haha! 

My mum and dad came to see us all yesterday – my dad brought the hedge trimmer so now my garden looks naked! 

Little GS and Tiny GD (though she’s not so tiny anymore) are fine. 

I’m annoyed with ME – I need to change – I need to do it for my sanity! 

Oh and does anyone know the meaning of this dream? K came to me and said I had to find the diamond – it was in his jacket pocket – but after looking through all his suits I couldn’t find it – so then I told H she asked if it could have been the suit I buried him in – then I woke up!

What ever happened to the euro vision?

What a bloody racket! I remember my mum giving me an old transistor radio to listen to it the year Cliff Richards represented us – I’ve just googled it – 1973 ‘power to all our friends’ I listened transfixed as the scores came in – think it wasn’t much longer after that, that I became hooked on Radio 4’s shipping forecast! 

Oh well maybe it’s just me that’s out grown the euro vision!

I’ve had a lovely afternoon – both my girls and my grandbabies under one roof. 

B said “Can’t believe dad is missing this” and my heart ached for a spilt second until little GS started shouting “biscuit nanny”! 

It was wonderful to have the house that alive and full of energy!

I've been information gathering - the medium woman told me K would send me someone who already knew and loved me - so with GH reappearing in my life i've been doing some investigating - he is every thing she said (but hopefully he doesn't love me cos I'm not in a place right now for that) & tonight I found out his birth sign as she said he would be a pisces and guess what GH was born in March!

Still not agreed to the coffee though  cos I think I am attaching to much importance to what this bloody woman said!

I think someone is playing games with me!

Hmmmm

Today I was cleaning - hoovering the rooms - getting ready for Tidgy coming home.

In my bedroom I found on the floor a 5p & a 1p. That alone wouldn't have meant anything however in the bathroom I found another 5p & 1p - then in the spare room I found a 5p & 1p then on my kitchen floor I found a 5p & a 1p then again as I moved into the kitchen I found yet another 5p & 1p THEN I put my hand in my pocket and guess what there was a 5p & a 1p.

Now this surely has to mean something - any suggestions (not daft ones )

Tidgy finally made it home at 4.30ish this afternoon.

I've been so excited all day now I'm shattered

I can't wait to get to know grandbaby No:3 bless her little heart.

If I could turn back time I’d do so many things differently. 

It’s such a beautiful morning – wish I had somewhere to go but as always I haven’t. 

Now if I could turn back time I wouldn’t have started my boat fund I would have made K get one on credit with protection! Or I would have got him to buy me a static caravan by the sea! (We couldn’t afford a holiday home!) How wonderful it would be to wake up in another place that wasn’t here! 

I’ve been no where since Easter!  

Oh I can’t help it this morning I am bloody fucking fed up! 

J & S (male) are off to Spain – to his mum and dads villa! 

S (female) is going to Australia for 3 weeks. 

L is always jetting off somewhere – she just got back from Spain! 

Me? Hmmm! My life is a complete waste isn’t it. Maybe I should offer it to someone who could enjoy it – make more out of it than me! It breaks my heart to think of others who would make better use of my life than me! 

I can’t even decide what to wear most mornings never mind what to do with my life – on the face of it the jobs R was talking about on Friday night seemed the answer to my prayers but having time to sober up and look in reflection I really don’t a) want her as my boss or b) to take blood for the next year!  People avoid R when we go out and her fussiness would drive me insane within 10 minutes – I can’t bear fussiness – I honestly do not think I could work with her/for her.

I’ve talked it over with my sister and B & H – B said not to bother if it was going to make me unhappy as I’m unhappy enough without adding to it. My sister asked how closely I’d have to work with her – well I wouldn’t be working with her but for her and she is one of those people who does everything by the book – oh I’m not saying that is wrong but I’m just not sure. H said to give it a try but then we got talking about ill health and I don’t know if I could deal with that. Not sure a doctor’s surgery is the best place for me to work. I HATE medical problems – I’ve probably said before but it’s like a phobia – my sister constantly talks about media issues & I have to tell her to stop else I’ll put the phone down on her can you imagine all the old grannies going on about their health issues? I’d be a fucking wreck within 24 hours! 

Oh …………………..I dunno!

Its not as if jobs are jumping out at me is it? 

Other news Tidgy is having to have a ultrasound scan on her tummy today. By rights she should have been home today. H & D were meant to ‘room in’ at the hospital over the weekend but that was all turned upside down when this nurse decided that because Tidgy was still being really sick after her feeds that it needed investigating. 
When Tidgy came back to St James they decided because she was sick she had reflux – now when she was in Bolton they drip fed her very slowly – when she got to Leeds they plunged the syringe so the milk went in faster (no time to stand around like they did in Bolton) now I reckon that she was sick because they were doing it too fast but they said she had reflux so they put some stuff into her milk to thicken it up! 
Now they carried that on at our local hospital but she was still being sick – they’ve known this for weeks but it’s not bothered any of them until this weekend! 

Cut a long story a little shorter they’ve taken the thickener out of her milk over the last 24 hours and guess what? She’s not been sick! Anyway if the scan comes back clear H & D will stop in the hospital over night tonight and tomorrow and Tidgy will finally make it home on Wednesday – she will be 2 days off being 4 months old! 

Right, now I’ve written another novel sized post I’m off to look for a new life – do they sell them on Ebay?      

I’ve had one of the busiest weeks ever this last week. 

We’ve completely redecorated the house from top to bottom – I never want to see another pot of paint!

It looks amazing though – the dinning room looks fantastic – we decided to get rid of some furniture and change it round – why I didn’t do it before I’ve no idea.  I was out last night and when I walked back in H had finished it including putting some beautiful orange roses in a vase on the table. I cried – I cried because it looks so nice – I cried because it meant we had finally finished and I cried some more as lots of K has been moved out of there now. The dinning room was his computer room but not anymore, which in a way is good but it also made me really sad. 

As I say I went out last night and I think I’ve found myself two jobs – well I am going to give her my CV and see where we go from there. One of my widow friends is a manager in a health centre – she is needing a phlebotomist – and an evening receptionist – 8-12.30 and 6-8.30 leaving the afternoons free. Full training given and you get a nurses uniform haha! So I’m applying – not what I had in mind but if it keeps me going till I can work out what I really want I can’t afford to let it pass me by! 

So everything SEEMS to be coming together – house finished – Tidgy coming home on Monday and I’ve got a good chance of getting a job – fingers crossed for me hey!

I survived!
 
I don’t know what I expected to happen but whatever it was didn’t. 

Today I was in Argos with H getting some things for Tidgy (she will be home mon/tues)As we were stood the bloke who was behind the counter stood right next to us. I was looking at him looking at his face (he wasn’t good looking particularly) he looked tired – he had lots of stubble but he smelt nice.  

For a brief second I wanted to reach out and touch his face - I think I must be going slightly barking – I wanted to feel a mans face on my hands. 

As I drove home I felt a pain I’ve not felt since the day K died – it’s like the pit of my stomach opens and its just empty but it hurts – then the tears started – not little trickily ones but huge big blobby ones!  

I miss being part of a couple – I miss having a man in my life – but I still feel like I would be betraying K if I even looked at another man – not only that but I don’t ever want to get hurt again. 

 I am supposed to be going out on a girlie night out on Friday – the idea behind it was that S could find someone else as M dumped her – but how boring will that be?  

I’m not supposed to turn anything down this year – say yes to everything – but I think I’ve become old and boring before my time – I’m not a teenager anymore but I look at lads that are half my age and think “that’s what I’m really after" not some old godger – but I am older – I’m not in my 20’s anymore – oh fuck do you know what I haven’t a clue what I am typing anymore never mind what it is I want!!!!!!!

I love and miss you xxxx

Morning  

Tidgy is off the oxygen or at least she was last I heard at 11pm last night. It’s brilliant news – she’s feeding on demand and now breathing the same as us. I don’t know how this will effect her coming home as they were preparing to send her home on oxygen – it’s the weekend so they’ve told H they may have to monitor her again and see if she is going to need to.  

We’ve one more room to decorate today then we are finished. I can’t believe the transformation – it looks like a different house. I still hate living her but it does look lots better.  

My cousin’s son is now also breathing for himself but he is still in a coma. Family members are saying that he couldn’t have had his helmet on right – I talked to my cousin at length the other day and it was the way he came back out of the windshield that dislodged his helmet – why would the police lie? I hate the fact that they are gossiping about him without knowing the truth – I was so angry when I found out – he’s a 16 year old boy who is critically ill and they are gossiping away! It’s nasty! 

Over the past two days there’s been a pair of birds sat on Mr over the Roads roof. 

They are in love and it’s so sweet. They look like they are kissing and cuddling most of the time and its making me sad. At the moment they are just sitting together watching the world go by but they keep looking at each other.  I wonder if the lady bird really likes the male bird – do birds have feelings or is it just about having baby birds together? Bless them.  

A widower I know added me to his face book yesterday – he’s been missing in action for a while and I found out why – he’s got a Thai girlfriend – her visa is due to run out and she has to go home but he is going out there in a few weeks and they are getting married. 

Spring comes and love blossoms but my heart aches! 

4 days to go and counting – I can’t believe he’s been dead 2 years. I still can’t really believe he’s dead and never coming back. Yes each day gets easier and the cliché’s of “life goes on and time heals” are true but it doesn’t stop me missing him.  

I miss him so much.

Even now two years on I still want to talk to him – just to sit and have a chat – I miss his company, his daft stories and stupid jokes. I miss his blonde mop of unruly hair. I just miss him. 

Last year I remember thinking that people who were getting to their first year were saying things like “this time last year” but I couldn’t see this time last year in my mind – it was all a big blur but this year I’m thinking “this time two years ago” maybe I’m better placed to handle those thoughts now – maybe what ever was blocking them from me thinking about them has gone. 

Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do on Tuesday and do you know what I am not going to do anything.  

Last year me H and D went to the coast – I took a red rose and tossed it into the sea – we vowed we’d make it a yearly thing but for what ever reason I just don’t want to do it. I want to be home. I’ll get some flowers and take them to the grave yard but I don’t want a big fuss. 

I’ve taken off my eternity ring and placed it in the treasure box – another step forward into accepting this is my life without him! 

I want to run away - its all too much

One week today and it will be 2 years since K died. 

Only over the last few weeks have I realised I am actually doing ok – I’ve made plans for my future and I am looking forward to getting on with it.  

I had a long chat to H this morning and I’ve told her of my plans.(I don’t want to go into them here in case they don’t go right and I end up feeling foolish) 

She told me her and D are going to start looking for their own place – which is fantastic – they need to – its going to be hard for them to live the life they need to stuck at home with me. They need their independence and freedom to have friends round and look after Tidgy – so we talked about time scale – she said the next six months so that means I will finally get round to selling this big old house. 

I CAN NOT WAIT! 

I am going to have to think about it sensibly as I know this is not the best of years to be putting your house up for sale but who knows where we will be in 6 months time – probably right here writing the same thing haha! 

I know where I want to live and I know what I want to do – it’s been a long slog but at least now I’ve something to aim for and some sort of direction to follow. 

So I am still on the job hunt but what makes it easier for me is that I know as soon as I do sell my house I won’t have to work for someone else ever again. During the next 6 months I need to knuckle down and do my research – get a business plan together – mind you I’ll be funding me so I don’t have to worry about banks and credit crunches – I’m excited. 

I just wish it could all happen tomorrow! Impatient as ever! I will keep my eye firmly on the news – and find the best time to sell as possible – I could afford a small loss but I don’t want to make any loss if I don’t have to. So as I say I am looking forward with really positive eyes! 

Other news: The doctors are beginning to reduce the sedation that my cousin’s son is under – hoping he will wake up on his own. I’ve not heard back from her so I assume he is doing ok! I saw a photo of his bike on a news web site last night – it made me feel really sick! 

I learnt today I am going to have a new Grandson in September – I’m not happy hahha I didn’t want little GS having a bloody brother!!  Poor Tiny GD in the middle of two boys! How dreadful for her! I am only kidding I’m thrilled for B – now I just hope she stops having babies for a while.There is 7 months between Tiny and Tidgy and there will be 7 months between Tidgy and the new baby! For fuck sake I’m going to have to sell the house to afford Christmas! 

Tidgy is doing REALLY well – she is now demand feeing and they are once again talking about her coming home on oxygen – she’s a little fighter that girlie! 

I didn’t go for coffee with GH – I’ve taken a step back in that direction as I know deep in my heart its not the direction I am going at the mo! I know it was only coffee but I just didn’t have the heart to go!

I’m looking after me now for a while – self preservation and all that!  

My cousins son B (who is 16 not 15 he had his birthday last weekend) was out on his moped with his friends on Saturday night – he turned to see if they were behind him and crashed straight into a parked car. He is in a critical condition and my cousin has said the doctors have said the next 36 hours are crucial – they’ve had to drill a hole in his skull and insert a wire to see how much swelling there is – she is heart broken but at the same time very positive – she said she knows he will make it I hope with all my absolute might that she is right.

I just received a text from my cousin S.  

It said: 
B (her 15 year old son - sorry my mistake her turned 16 last weekend) was in an accident last night – he’s on life support in **** hospital with serious head injuries – don’t text me cos my battery is running really low – we are devastated.

So am I! S is my favourite member of my family & B is a lovely lad – all he’s ever wanted to do is join his dad in their family business.  

Do you know I keep thinking “it has to end” then I hear news like that and think it just keeps happening if it’s not one person its another if it’s not one family its another. 

I’m not  being light hearted over this as it is crushing news and I’ve not stopped shaking since reading the text but when I told my mum she said “Katie it has to stop my knee’s are wearing away with all the praying I’m doing” (my mum is very religious so I can imagine her down there saying her prayer) 

I know he’s in the best hospital for head injuries as a few years ago B’s (my daughter) friend Steve was attacked by three men and beaten so badly he ended up in there and he’s gone on to make a remarkable recovery – he’s not the same person he was before the unprovoked attack but he is ok.  

B is a strong little chap – but all the same I so hope he makes a fast and full recovery. Positive thoughts please for B and my cousin and his dad and his sisters xxxxxxxxx   

I’ve had such a busy last few days I’ve not had time to sit down and write. 

Tidgy is MUCH better. She had her last dose of antibiotics last night – they think they know what was wrong with her but it’s a bit gross to write so I’m not going to – but she is doing better now than she was before she got ill. Remarkable hey considering she was back in ICU. I have to admit she is turning me into more of a nervous wreck than I am already. How H is coping I’ve no idea. How I will cope once she is home I just don’t know.  

I didn’t go to walk the dog! Well I did walk the dog but on my own. I’ve been invited out for coffee this afternoon! 

Thing is over the last two days I’ve realised I LOVE my freedom and I’m not ready to surrender it – I’m not talking about GH and worrying he wants more I’m just talking about how I feel in general. 

Ok I moan I’m bored – I moan I’ve not had sex and I’m lonely but at the same time I don’t want to be tied down or having to put someone else’s needs and feelings before my own – totally selfish but after 24 years of marriage and 15 of those years being taken up by illness – I’m free!  

Take yesterday for example I spent the whole morning with B and my grandbabies – then I came home had some dinner – went to C’s to move some things for her – spent time with her at her new flat – went to see Tidgy – came home – went up to have my tea with S who was looking after J’s kids (J was at a wedding) we ordered in Pizza – then I came home cos I want to see H but half an hour later I was back with S and stayed for a while – me and S never spend time alone chatting so it was really lovely. Then I came home and played Mario Carts – came to bed – read for a while and finally fell fast asleep. 

Friday I was just as busy.
 
K was extremely possessive – I never had any friends when he was alive – he didn’t like it – I wouldn’t have had a day like yesterday as he’d have made my life miserable over it. He used to say what few friends I had used me and was mean about them to the point where I gave up seeing them – so this freedom to do what I want when I want is amazing and I didn’t realise that till last night.

Two years on I’ve finally come to terms with how cruel he was – how controlling and for now I don’t want to have to explain where I am or what I’ve been doing to anyone. 

I’ve talked to a lot of people in the last few days – people tied down by a relationship or marriage and feeling miserable & I think to myself “I don’t want that” or “why are you with them if they make you so unhappy”  

I’m looking forward to going out for a coffee because I can & because I am free to do it without feeling guilty or worried. 

I might not have a job or any money and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this time next week I might feel low again but right now I actually feel happy with my life & now its time to add an extra dimension to it and start having some fun – as I said to S last night I just can’t be so sad anymore – I can’t cope with it and I don’t want to cope with it – I can’t feel guilty about being happy if I do than K won in death as well as in life didn’t he?

Well I’ve had a lovely afternoon – not yet walked the dog as I’ve not had the time – however spending the afternoon with C made me realise I need to meet up with GH and I will – not sure it will be today & I know I shouldn’t put off today what I can do tomorrow but things really have slipped by today and – sounds like I am making excuses and maybe I am a little but truthfully I’ve had a hectic day. 

C is moving over the weekend and I needed to collect my broken computer from her house – her fella managed to rescue all my files and put them on to disc for me & I’ve been to her house twice now and forgotten to pick it up – so I did it today.

I’d taken H to the hospital and was going to C’s for 2pm which meant I’d be back for 3pm – it’s now 5 to 5 and I’ve only just got back. 

I was just walking out of the door when H rang – she sounded panic stricken and my heart went into overdrive – gulping back my fear I said “what’s up” and she gabbled out something I didn’t hear so I said “say that again” so she said “for god sake wash out your ears can you take me to town to buy Tidgy some dummies” If she hadn’t have started the conversation by saying “mum are you busy” in a really odd voice I’d have been ok but as it was it took me all the way to the hospital to calm down. 

That made me late to get to C’s and by the time she’d read my ‘angel cards’ and we chatted for a while time just slipped away. 

So my angle cards – I know not every one believes & I’ve said many times before that I don’t know what I believe HOWEVER …………I had to pick three cards – Oh my god they were so accurate it was unbelievable.

The first one I picked out was ‘abundance’ and the message it gave me was not to give up as my life will be abundant of all things from money to love to happiness – everything I cosmically order for myself ….

The 2^nd card I picked was ‘Idea’s and inspiration’ it means I have to listen to the voices in my head and listen hard as they are showing me the way – I’ve not got to ignore anything – well the funny thing was I was telling C about wanting my own shop and wishing I could free up some money from my house to start my own business – I’ve had an idea for ages but I need some capital….

Then the 3^rd card I turned was ‘power’ that meant that if I continued to believe in out side forces and listened to what I was told I would become powerful with in myself – something I really need to do! 

Then we did it again for love – the first card I drew was music – it means what it says really I’ve got to listen to more music – which is actually true. After K died music made me so very sad – something would come on the radio and I’d be in floods of tears so I don’t listen to much music anymore – but I am going to start to. What that has to do with love who knows!

The 2^nd card I picked was ‘security’ which again speaks for it’s self – I am looking for someone to make me feel safe and secure – that’s true!

The last card I picked was ‘playfulness’ that one meant I need more fun in my life – if I have more fun the things I really want will come to me – my sadness is holding me back – well it is isn’t it. 

I was astonished at just how accurate these cards were in relation to how I’ve been feeling. I know they are only daft cards but they have given me food for thought this evening.