I am so terribly grateful to H for letting me loan her computer but I am so missing having my own.

I’ve not been able to write any emails or receive them in about a week (can’t remember when mine finally broke) it is REALLY doing my head in.

I’ve been using my hotmail but its not the same as I’ve only got a limited number of email addressed saved on there – all my job sites used my other email address – argh it’s a nightmare not being able to use it.

I know I’ve got no one to blame but myself – I should have sorted a job out and then I wouldn’t be without a computer but its actually making me feel depressed.

That old feeling of “what’s the point” came straight into my head when I woke up and I’ve not been able to shift it.

I can’t buy one on credit and I don’t really want to as that would lead me to a downward spiral of debt that I can’t afford and don’t need!

When K was alive if we needed something he would just get it – I thought about the unfairness of it all last night – he always got what he wanted – me I’m left with nothing.

I don’t want to go on about ‘the cosmos’ but I pray (not to a god) every single night and every single morning that things will change – that for once something good will happen – I try hard to push negative thoughts out of my head and replace them with positive ones but it’s getting me know where fast.

Its funny how the cosmos works for me – little insignificant things happen and when I look back at my words some things I’ve wished for have actually come true but the big things I want still elude me – why is that?

Regardless I am missing my computer very much.