Ok where to start – 20 years ago K & I had a friend called GH.

We’ve kept in touch over the years and it’s been nice to catch up with what’s been happening in his life.  

More recently we’ve been mailing a lot – I’ve been moaning he’s been listening – he’s just a friend and that’s how it will always be – however I mentioned having the dog and taking it for walks – which I’ve REALLY enjoyed (dog rescue here I come) so I sort of asked in a round about way if he fancied joining me – brave or stupid of me I’m not yet sure! 

Anyway he’s agreed – but now I’m terrified – I’ve not seen him in 20 years!

Do I make the switch from just being pen pals to real life pals again?  

I can always make an excuse but half of me doesn’t want to – I’ve no gut feeling on this one – am I doing it because I feel left out and lonely?  

He said it would be nice to catch up in ‘real’ time oh I don’t know what to do.

 Pro’s 
Nice to have some male company 
Nice to have someone to chat to. 
Would be lovely to catch up in real life after all this time. 
We get on well and always did. 
Maybe he’d make a good companion as he’s not looking for a relationship either. He knows exactly where I stand on relationships. 
Maybe he’d buy me an ice cream haha 

Cons 
I don’t want him reading more into it than just friendship 
I don’t want to have to put myself out to meet up once the dog goes home!
I’d feel very self conscious  
I can’t dress up nice to take the dog out haha!! 
Hmmm What happens after? 
Oh I’m confused – I guess I am worried he will take it wrong and think I want more than I do but then that’s not giving him the benefit of the doubt is it?  

It’s only walking the dog after all!     

Tidgy is still very unwell – she’s had every test known to man and they are waiting on the results – she had a blood transfusion this afternoon which H said perked her up a little.

They have got her on a general antibiotic until they get her results – apparently she was awake for a long while and the doctor said that was a good sign. 

I’ve spent the whole day in a state of utter panic and still am. I can’t stand illness I just can’t.  

No one has any idea what I went through with K years and years of worry and misery – fear of him dying, the sadness the arguments I’m hard pushed tonight to think of any happy times we had over those years - looks like I’ve discovered I’ve now got a huge massive problem with illness – guess I’ve known it deep down for a while cos even if my other grandbabies have a sniffle I get in a tizz.

This is the sole reason I could never have another relationship I have proved to myself I couldn’t cope if someone gets ill – I can’t bear it – I want to run and hide – I just hope with all my might she is a little better tomorrow and doesn’t have anymore set backs.  

Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts – it helps me no end to think that banding together with positive thoughts for her will help cos I feel like mine aren’t enough on their own!  

Tidgy is so very seriously ill – she isn’t breathing properly and the consultant is coming to see them – I am in an absolute out and out panic. 

This can’t be happening – it just can’t – I’ve no one to talk to about it – no one – I just keep saying over and over in my head – it’s just a set back – she will be ok – but H is devastated – I want to be there for her but I can’t – its not fair – tidgy has got to be ok – she has to be ok – she has to be ok – she has to be ok she just has to be.

No one could make us suffer again could they? If there is such a person as god he couldn’t be cruel enough to make 2 of my grandbabies die could he?

I am so scared – I keep nipping my arm – I just want to wake up from this nightmare – she has got to be ok.

I don’t know what to do – I’ve just paced up and down yelling at the ceiling for the past half hour – screaming that this can not be happening and that no one in this world could be cruel enough to take her away from us.- oh I just don’t know what to do – I just want to pick her up and make her better for H – I wish I had healing hands – I’d give up my life for her – I’ve done my living that poor little mite hasn’t even taken a breath of fresh air.

Can I barging with someone can I say “let me be ill not her” I’d take on anything right now to stop her from being so very ill. Please if anyone reads this please please please think of my tiny little granddaughter and pray she makes a rapid and full recovery please xxxxxxx

Just for one day I wish this fucking world would stop turning.

I wish I could just hide out for a while and turn my thoughts off – I wish things would just go right instead of wrong. 

Tidgy is unwell – she’s back on CPAP and they are worried she has phenomena – I feel sick just writing it. I’ve hardly slept all night for worrying – I feel ill myself this morning – she was doing so well – they even had discharge papers in her file – I am trying my hardest to think positively but it’s not working very well. H is inconsolable – she looks so pale and weary – they spent hours at the hospital last night and have been back for hours this morning – I just can’t seem to move – I’m just paralyzed with fear – I can not take much more.  

Also last night my sister phoned me – my dad hasn’t been well – he keeps getting really bad chest pains and can’t walk far without getting them and becoming breathless. She was so upset – apparently he’d been to the doctors – so he really must not be well.

Just after K died he had three stents put in his – I dunno where do they put them in your arteries? He’s ignored pains he’s had and now we are here – I am terrified as two of my widow friend’s husbands died of heart attack after having stents and by pass surgery.
I am so worried about him - My little dad – he’s worked so damn hard all his life – it’s just not fair! 

Then after all that a new woman who has joined our widows group rang me saying the co-ordinator had given her my number – so I spent half an hour talking to her which if I am honest I found REALLY hard – especially when I wasn’t really concentrating cos I was worrying about Tidgy and my dad. 

I have to believe they are both going to be ok – they have to be.  

Do you know what though – last night as I lay awake thinking I realised that I never mention K dying of a heart attack when I talk to my sister – I give examples of others who have but I never talk about K – why don’t I? Why don’t I say “you’d think dad would have learnt from K dying of a heart attack” but I never do. 

Thing is sometimes I have to read the death certificate to believe it myself – there was no big drama – no chest clutching – no turning blue – no whispered confessions or declarations of undying love – he just rolled his eyes and was gone!

Maybe it’s because I know that these other men had problems already with their hearts that I can talk about it more easily I just don’t know. 

All I know is I want to hide away until Tidgy and my dad are better because my heart and mind just can not take another piece of bad news! 

Life is weird. 

For weeks now I’ve been cosmically ordering a new car – for moths I’ve been asking for a dog – I am obviously going seriously wrong somewhere as I’ve got both my wishes but in ways I never expected and not exactly how I wanted them.

Firstly my car is so fucked I’ve been borrowing H’s!  Not the dream car I want to OWN but I’ve been driving a new car and by the end of the week like I’d asked for. 

Then on Saturday B rang me and asked if I could look after their dog!

So now I’ve got an old black Labrador sniffing round my house. Not exactly the dog I wanted I want a Chihuahua pup called Chi – but I’ve got a dog even if it’s only till Friday. I’m going to take her out tonight for a walk and I am really looking forward to it. 

My grandbabies have gone on holiday for a few days and I miss them already. I gave them a fiver each – hope B makes sure Little GS gets all the rides he wants and Tiny GD gets something she likes.

I then went to mothercare and bought Tidgy a pair of lemon dungarees and a little white tee shirt – she now weighs exactly 6lb so it’s easier to find things for her. 

OMG you should hear my cat growling at the poor dog!!!!! FFS the cat has just launched himself onto the widow sill and knocked everything flying!! Looks like this is going to be a fun week! 

Ok so I’ve got two things I’ve asked for in ways I didn’t expect so how do I change it to get what I do want – a 6ft dark eyed Adonis who can make love for hour upon hour then go home and come back the next night??????????????????? 

Knowing my luck I’ll find a vertically challenged person with pink eyes who orgasms in less than 30 seconds!!!!!  

In a million years you will never ever guess what happened at the car boot sale.  

There we were me, H & C all unloading the cars and putting things out when I turned round and got the filthiest of looks …………..From…………………..Wait for it………………………..MRS Over the Road.

Oh my fucking good grief if looks could kill I’d have joined K at 5.45am. 

I am presuming she was with her sister (they looked a like) they are obviously pro’s as washing lines and coat rails came out of the car – they had flasks and sandwiches and chairs – it made me laugh as at one stage all I could see were 4 little beady eyes gawping at me. 

She is clearly one very insecure person as the dirty looks continued throughout the morning! C said they were probably looking at me because they had no where else to look!!  

Then about 11.30am the fun and games really started because Mr Over the Road turned up – she looked daggers at me and he blushed scarlet when he saw me.

When she left her stall he waved and smiled and even C said “that was some smile” soon as she was back he didn’t even look over.  

Then when we were packing the cars up she wandered off in one direction and he headed off in mine – we crossed paths and he said “Hiya”  with he most amazing grin, and his son who was following him made me laugh cos he said “Hiya” too – bless him. 

Then I heard her on the phone saying “can you get the garage open dad J is on his way” so they must keep all their stuff there.  

The funny thing is that when we were loading the car this morning their living room light was on and I was thinking “fuck their up early” and as I thought it she looked out of the curtains – then we saw her get in her car – never thinking for a split second she would be heading to the opposite stall to us. 

I wish he wasn’t married to her – but he is so that’s that.  

It made my morning go quick so that was a bonus – I also made £40 – I started to flag about 11am but I was soon back in action as I saw Mr Over the road – I swear I get a naughty twinkle in my eye when I see him and can’t help but want to piss her right off over it cos it’s pathetic – I might be a widow but I’ve got limits and married men our out of bounds! 

Still it makes me smile a lot when I think about it – so Mrs Over the Road piss off with your mucky bloody looks if your husband isn't fucking happy that ain’t my bloody fault! 

PS: Also at this car boot sale a few rows away from me was her next door neighbour – now how’s that for a small world!

I awoke to some good news this morning – Tidgy is making the last lap of her journey – she is coming back to our local hospital this afternoon!!!
The doctors at St James believe she will be ready for home in about 2 weeks time – which is frightening as she will be home on oxygen and also tube feeds.  
If I am truthful I am petrified – I know she is not my responsibility but I will be here. I got to thinking this morning about the fire brigade coming out – notices in my windows – sending letters to the insurance companies ….the list goes on.
When all K’s medical equipment and medicines went back I never thought we’d have anything like that in the house again now I have to think about having oxygen cylinders and nurses in my home again. I don’t know how I will cope with that.  

I think this is a part of my problem – I feel like I am losing my home – this happened when K first started on dialysis – it was like an invasion & I am feeling that way again. 
What is wrong with me? I should be over the moon that she is well enough to come home not moaning about what she will need to be at home. I really am not a nice person am I? 

Of course I can’t wait for my first cuddle – or to change her nappy – or feed her – it’s just all the other things that go with it.  

So thinking this through with logical progression I am scared to death something will happen to her. It’s all so bloody daunting. When B had little GS it was like she took over my home – I don’t want to feel like that – how can I stop myself? 

Other than that I went to see J today, she made me my dinner which was lovely – she is worried I’m down because her and S have both got new men in their lives. I tired to explain to her that it’s not just that. It’s everything – but can I define everything? Nope! She said I ought to write a list of what is bothering me but if I started I’d never stop.

I feel like I’ve got a huge mountain in front of me and I’ve got to climb it with no ropes – if I stay at the bottom I’ll never survive so I’ve got to some how negotiate a way of getting to the top but it all seems way to hard and not worth the bother.
I need something at the top of the mountain to give me a reason to climb but I can’t find anything no matter how hard I look. 

She also said to me that if R and I had got together the night of the party she would have invited us round to the dinner party tomorrow night. Oh well! 

Right I’d better go – the ironing won’t do it’s self will it?

I am utterly distraught this evening. 

I have spent hours this afternoon looking out things for the car boot sale. I’ve little enough without selling everything else. 

I came across a vase – it’s pretty with hand painted flowers on it – it was a present from my mum – as I washed it out – I sobbed has my life really come to this – taking my present to a car boot sale for someone to offer me 20p?

The vase was dried and put away – I can not sell that. Then raking in the cupboard I came across a wicker picnic basket – inside were folded napkins – we never got chance to use that basket – he died before the summer came – but there it was all ready – what broke my heart even more was also inside was his little tea flask “enough for 2 cups” he used to say. How can I just sell my memories? How did it get to this? Why won’t it stop for me!

I bent on my knees and prayed this afternoon for a miracle to put an end to all this.  

Driving home from the hospital I wondered how easy it would be just to swerve off the road – other people do it as long as it looked like an accident my girls would get the insurance and they’d be set up for life – unlike me. 

All this for a few bloody tins of fucking paint – but it’s not is it? The paint is just another straw – why is the world determined to break me? Why do I keep getting pushed so hard?  Maybe H’s ex had the right idea but I’ve no idea how to make a noose!  

Good grief what a day and its not even over yet. 

I woke up this morning and noticed my alarm clock was off – went into panic mode thinking the electric board had cut me off for not paying the bill! H phoned them and they hadn’t cut us off but we had to organize a payment plan with them so that was ok – but it still left us with no electric. 

We went into the garage to look at the main box thing on the wall – that was all in order – H got the key for the metre cupboard – we opened it – that was ok – we were just about to come back in and phone customer services when the woman over the road shouted “Is your electric off?” we nodded “they cut through the pipes on the building site” she shouted from her bedroom window (not Mr over the Road but the house next door) “they’ve called someone to come and fix it”  3 hours later it came back on – thankfully none of the tropical fish had died however………..I found 3 dead birds in my garden this morning – one being a pigeon – masses of grey feathers everywhere! I’m not a bird watcher so I’ve really no idea what the other two were! Poor little things that’s 5 birds and 3 mice in the last 4 days!

It’s like a blood bath in my garden and I am sick of it now!
 
George my youngest cat was sat on my bed with pink chops! I had to wash him down, he couldn’t possibly have caught them he’s not big enough so the culprit has to be one of my big cats – but I can’t decide which one so tonight I am keeping one of them in and see what happens tomorrow! I can’t have all these dead animals in my bin!! 

After I’d cleared up the garden we were talking about redecorating the house before tidgy comes home – we went to B&Q and need £104 to do it all including gloss! So I had an idea – car boot sale! So we called in to see C and see if she had a table (she does lots of car boot sales) she said we didn’t need one as we would get a stall in the market (where it’s held) so this afternoon we attempted to clean out the garage – we didn’t get very far but we’ve got quiet a bit to sell – I am going to borrow the ladders off my neighbour tonight and get up in the loft where we know there are bags and bags of stuff. So wish us luck in raising the money. 

I’m going to put my phone on ebay and use the money I get from that to sort my car out! 

Something else then happened that I can’t write about without giving away stuff I don’t want to tell but that then threw our afternoon into turmoil yet again! 

So it’s been all go all day……least we’ve got moving with some stuff – whilst in the garage I gathered all the pairs of crutches I’ve accumulated and put them in the car – H has an appointment for her ex broken leg tomorrow so I’ll take them back to the hospital – I also finally got round to phoning the wheelchair services and they are coming to take K’s wheelchair away tomorrow. I should have contacted them a long time ago but I just couldn’t do it but I felt ready to today!

I’m busy tomorrow so they said I’ve got to leave it outside for collection – so hopefully I won’t be here to see it go – that wheelchair caused so many arguments I don’t know why I kept hold of it! 

I’ve still not heard from G – surprise surprise!!!  I’ll check my mail before posting this just in case but I’m not holding my breath! Nope nothing – I am itching for a reply I want to know what he has to say for himself!

Probably all lies and not worth reading anyway but I still want to know!!!!!    

What a perfectly beautiful day it has been today. 

Tidgy is doing so well – she now weighs 5lb 13oz – and is being bottle fed twice a day and loves it. She is starting to take more notice – maybe that’s cos she’s awake more often – tomorrow was her due date – H keeps asking me if I think she would have been born on time and then she sticks her belly out saying “I should be this big now!” To think how seriously ill they both were they both made amazing progress. 

Little GS and Tiny GD are both fine – tiny GD is trying to find her feet to walk – she can totter around holding on to things but she hasn’t the confidence to let go love her heart. Little GS is obsessed with Thomas the tank engine – I was given lots and lots of books for them and I took them down today – I showed him every book but he pushed them away saying “Thomas” THANKFULLY we found one right at the bottom of the bag. I was really relieved and he was overjoyed. 

I do love my little grandbabies so very much. 

As for other news – I got invited tonight to a speed dating thing tomorrow only I can’t make it  D still isn’t well so I’m going over late afternoon, early evening to see Tidgy with H – she wants to bath her – feed her and get her ready for bed and I’d promised to take her so that’s that! 

I finally got round to mowing the lawn this afternoon – the jungle is no more – wonder where the cats will hide all the mice and birds they seem to be bringing home now? 

I also got a mail back from G tonight – he said he would write to me tomorrow and answer all my questions …………………….We’ll see! 

Oh well time marches on and I want to go to bed – I’m reading really good book at the moment ‘A gathering light’. I borrowed it off B – she said today it’s a ‘young adults’ book but hey so what I’m enjoying it.  

Wonder what G has to say for himself ………………  

Since moving hospitals Tidgy is making remarkable progress.
She is now off the CPAP and is having so little oxygen she may as well be breathing the same air as us. She’s never been to this point before so my fingers are crossed (so hard that they hurt) that this is truly her turning point.
She’s also moved nurseries and is now in with the bigger babies – I love being able to see her more often – she is a little sweetie with a tiny little cry that reminds me of a bumble bee. 

I’m feeling a bit better today – ok so things aren’t great but I guess they could be worse.  Oh it’s taken me ages just to write these few words – I just don’t seem to be in the mood to write at the moment. I feel like I’ve had my stuffing knocked out this week and it’s taking me a while to get back on track – I didn’t think I’d react as badly as I have to going back to that hospital but it really did knock me for six and continues to – I can’t admit to H it is tearing me apart – so I’ll put on my ‘I am ok’ mask and do my best to cope with it all. 

I’ve had a really shit week emotionally. 

I’m so pleased that Tidgy is nearer home but going back to that hospital has taken an awful lot out of me and made me realise just how unhappy I am and how much I still miss him and how unable I am to face another 10/20/30/40 years alone. It’s made me question everything – from the way I dealt with his illness to the way I dealt with his death to how I am not really coping now! 

I am going to see the doctor on Monday – I can’t go on like this – doubt he can give me a prescription for a companion but maybe he’ll understand my utter despair.  

I’ve got to find a way to over come my guilt and a way to move forward without always worrying K will be frowning at me. I’ve got to get some of my old confidence back – I just don’t know how I can do it on my own.

Everyone else but me seems to be coping so much better – all the couples are meeting up for dinner next week – I feel so excluded – oh well just more shit to cope with I suppose!

On the brighter side of life Mr Over the Road has just spent the last ten minutes gawping out of his bedroom window – I was really tempted to take my shirt off and give him something to look at – if H & D weren’t in I just might have haha! I know it’s wrong – I know I shouldn’t encourage him – he’s married – he’s ‘no go’ but it turns me on knowing he’s watching me! He does make me laugh though cos he thinks I can’t see him and I can!!!!!

I have just got back from the hospital – Tidgy ‘needs to grow’ is what the doctor said this afternoon – in every respect she is doing absolutely brilliant – her little lungs just need to grow bigger.
They are saying now she will come home on oxygen but I think H always knew that. I had a massive panic as I thought I’d almost killed her – I was helping H dress her and her cpap tube came apart in the middle – I screamed “oh my god” as there was an almight pop and all these people came running – thankfully it wasn’t me it was H who had pulled the tube and also as she can breathe for herself it didn’t matter for a few minutes that the cpap wasn’t attached!
I’ve never been so terrified in all my born days – all I could think was I managed to kill K off now Tidgy was going the same way!

I then realised I am still blaming myself for his death – I know deep down inside I missed something – my care wasn’t good enough and ultimately he died, I know I’m partly to blame for his death (I wasn’t the cause of his heart attack but I should have seen it coming) and I can never forgive myself. If it wasn’t for me he would be here now – he’d be sharing my joy – he shouldn’t be dead. 

I just wanted to run from the hospital today – I wanted to drive to the coast and drive round where we spent our last day and work out why we didn’t die together – why was I left behind? If I was making a good job of being left behind it wouldn’t be so bad so I don’t understand that if my life was to get worse after he died why I was left to deal with it all. 

After the incident with Tidgy one of the sisters on the ward came and gave me the biggest of hugs – it was the first time since K died that I felt safe – how stupid was that. I wanted to ask her to come and sort me out – she just made me feel so protected even just for a few short minutes. I miss that feeling so much.  

As for Tidgy – nothing happened to her and 10 minutes later she was out on H’s knee having a bottle. We had to leave early as they were admitting twins – life certainly goes on so how come I feel like mine has stopped?

Ok I know I shouldn’t have done this but I’ve just emailed G. I know I should leave him behind but I’ve been thinking about him such a lot. I wanted him so much. I still do.

I think that’s why I can’t bring myself to think about or even look for someone else.

When K died he was so sweet – then after our failed holiday plans he just went so sour on me – I still don’t understand why!

Trouble is I can’t get him out of my head. I can see his face – I can remember his words – were they all shit – were they all part of a game he was playing?

If I can’t have K back he was the only person I wanted in my life. I thought we would be together for life – if not as lovers as friends. I miss his sexy texts and phone calls – I miss getting random photos from him.

I’ll never be happy will I not whilst he still lives and breathes. I know I should just forget him but I can’t & deep down I don’t really want to……Guess deep down I still love G – in a completely different way to K but it makes me so very sad that he doesn’t want me.

I just want him back in my life.

I am so terribly grateful to H for letting me loan her computer but I am so missing having my own.

I’ve not been able to write any emails or receive them in about a week (can’t remember when mine finally broke) it is REALLY doing my head in.

I’ve been using my hotmail but its not the same as I’ve only got a limited number of email addressed saved on there – all my job sites used my other email address – argh it’s a nightmare not being able to use it.

I know I’ve got no one to blame but myself – I should have sorted a job out and then I wouldn’t be without a computer but its actually making me feel depressed.

That old feeling of “what’s the point” came straight into my head when I woke up and I’ve not been able to shift it.

I can’t buy one on credit and I don’t really want to as that would lead me to a downward spiral of debt that I can’t afford and don’t need!

When K was alive if we needed something he would just get it – I thought about the unfairness of it all last night – he always got what he wanted – me I’m left with nothing.

I don’t want to go on about ‘the cosmos’ but I pray (not to a god) every single night and every single morning that things will change – that for once something good will happen – I try hard to push negative thoughts out of my head and replace them with positive ones but it’s getting me know where fast.

Its funny how the cosmos works for me – little insignificant things happen and when I look back at my words some things I’ve wished for have actually come true but the big things I want still elude me – why is that?

Regardless I am missing my computer very much.

Well I made it without any tears.

I went over to see Tidgy with H this morning at the hospital K was treated in for 15 years. It was hard – I could see him everywhere – sitting waiting for me at the front door – sat on the bench – sat in the canteen – he was just everywhere or at least my memories of him were. 

As I walked by the unit he was in my tummy was doing flip flops but I held it together. I said to H “I never ever expected to be back there” but I was and although it was hard and the memories very painful – I did it. 

Tidgy isn’t doing to good today – she has a lot of extra fluid and they said she has reflux – H argued that point and said that she’d never had it before why has she suddenly got it now – the nurse to be perfectly blunt was a real bitch and argued with her – I was furious and wanted to say something but I didn’t. The conversation ended when the nurse said she would phone the other hospital and ask them. H and I got up and left and H rang the other hospital and asked and they said she defiantly did not have reflux before she left them.

So bitch nurse can fuck right off – she had no need to speak to H like that at all, nasty bloody cow. 

As I left I got a pang in my heart – I had to walk past the unit again and I’ve got to admit I did look for him but he wasn’t there – I still miss him so very much.

I am missing something and I’m not sure what.

OK this might sound like utter rubbish but to me its not. 

Since K died H reckons she ‘hears’ from him. Some of the things she has told me she could not possibly have know. 

I’ve sort of humoured her unsure of how she could know some of the things she has come out with but I’ve always put it down to childhood memories or that she might have caught the tale end of conversations but she remained convinced her dad was telling her these things. 

Yesterday we went to the grave yard where we saw 6 magpies – the rhyme goes “6 for gold” so we joked about winning the lottery. 

She got out of the car at his grave and told him if he didn’t help get Tidgy home she was done with him and she’d never come back – all said light heartedly but deep down she was asking her dad for help. This morning she gets told Tidgy is coming back to Yorkshire!!!!

Anyway back to yesterday – H and D had a huge row – stress of the situation but it upset me greatly to hear them yelling at each other – I was tried out and wanted to go to bed but I ended up sitting in my car for an hour.

Cut a long story short when I eventually got into bed she came through – she was resting her head against my leg and I turned the light out – she said to me “dads here mum” I was like “yeah woteva” so she said “Mum I swear he is trying to tell you something” 

So to call her bluff I said to her “ok ask him what his best friend at school was called” she went so silent I thought she had fallen asleep – now I know beyond a shadow of doubt there was no way she would have known that as he really never spoke to them (my girls) about his school days - which was later this afternoon confirmed by B who I asked the same question to but she had no idea. I could feel H moving on my leg when she shouted out “T….His name was T” she was absolutely right. So I said to her out of all the things at school that he hated what did he hate the most (he went to a public boarding school)  so there was a lot he hated but one thing in particular that I knew she wouldn’t know. Silence again – then she said “Mass – he hated mass” I asked B today what she thought he hated most and she said ‘gravy’ but we all knew that – H & B never knew that every Sunday they got dressed up and went to mass – the thing he hated the most. 

Still unconvinced at H’s answers I sent her off to bed to ask him to give her a question only I would know the answer to. 

I got a text off her this afternoon saying “what was the name of the shop he bought your engagement ring from and what happened to the underpants?” 

For the life in me I had no idea what the shop was called it was 27 years ago now since he bought that ring and it was a German shop so how the heck would I remember, as for the underpants fuck knows ………………. Anyway when she got home D went off to football and she was chatting as she does when she said to me “did you remember the name of the shop?” I said “no” then she started to question me about the underpants! 
I said to her he had loads of pairs how was I supposed to know which ones he was on about when a sudden memory came flashing back the shop was called ‘(something) Gold' and he once had a pair of gold coloured undies (they are a novelty pair someone bought him for Christmas) 

So I saw 6 magpies and she asks me two questions that’s answers are both gold!

So is there a connection? If there is I can’t work it out - is she really in contact with her dad? I’m still waiting for that one defining thing but she seems convinced, and now I can’t get it out of my mind that I am missing something ……………..but what?