parallel universe

Ok where to start – 20 years ago K & I had a friend called GH.

We’ve kept in touch over the years and it’s been nice to catch up with what’s been happening in his life.  

More recently we’ve been mailing a lot – I’ve been moaning he’s been listening – he’s just a friend and that’s how it will always be – however I mentioned having the dog and taking it for walks – which I’ve REALLY enjoyed (dog rescue here I come) so I sort of asked in a round about way if he fancied joining me – brave or stupid of me I’m not yet sure! 

Anyway he’s agreed – but now I’m terrified – I’ve not seen him in 20 years!

Do I make the switch from just being pen pals to real life pals again?  

I can always make an excuse but half of me doesn’t want to – I’ve no gut feeling on this one – am I doing it because I feel left out and lonely?  

He said it would be nice to catch up in ‘real’ time oh I don’t know what to do.

 Pro’s 
Nice to have some male company 
Nice to have someone to chat to. 
Would be lovely to catch up in real life after all this time. 
We get on well and always did. 
Maybe he’d make a good companion as he’s not looking for a relationship either. He knows exactly where I stand on relationships. 
Maybe he’d buy me an ice cream haha 

Cons 
I don’t want him reading more into it than just friendship 
I don’t want to have to put myself out to meet up once the dog goes home!
I’d feel very self conscious  
I can’t dress up nice to take the dog out haha!! 
Hmmm What happens after? 
Oh I’m confused – I guess I am worried he will take it wrong and think I want more than I do but then that’s not giving him the benefit of the doubt is it?  

It’s only walking the dog after all!     

Tidgy is still very unwell – she’s had every test known to man and they are waiting on the results – she had a blood transfusion this afternoon which H said perked her up a little.

They have got her on a general antibiotic until they get her results – apparently she was awake for a long while and the doctor said that was a good sign. 

I’ve spent the whole day in a state of utter panic and still am. I can’t stand illness I just can’t.  

No one has any idea what I went through with K years and years of worry and misery – fear of him dying, the sadness the arguments I’m hard pushed tonight to think of any happy times we had over those years - looks like I’ve discovered I’ve now got a huge massive problem with illness – guess I’ve known it deep down for a while cos even if my other grandbabies have a sniffle I get in a tizz.

This is the sole reason I could never have another relationship I have proved to myself I couldn’t cope if someone gets ill – I can’t bear it – I want to run and hide – I just hope with all my might she is a little better tomorrow and doesn’t have anymore set backs.  

Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts – it helps me no end to think that banding together with positive thoughts for her will help cos I feel like mine aren’t enough on their own!  

Tidgy is so very seriously ill – she isn’t breathing properly and the consultant is coming to see them – I am in an absolute out and out panic. 

This can’t be happening – it just can’t – I’ve no one to talk to about it – no one – I just keep saying over and over in my head – it’s just a set back – she will be ok – but H is devastated – I want to be there for her but I can’t – its not fair – tidgy has got to be ok – she has to be ok – she has to be ok – she has to be ok she just has to be.

No one could make us suffer again could they? If there is such a person as god he couldn’t be cruel enough to make 2 of my grandbabies die could he?

I am so scared – I keep nipping my arm – I just want to wake up from this nightmare – she has got to be ok.

I don’t know what to do – I’ve just paced up and down yelling at the ceiling for the past half hour – screaming that this can not be happening and that no one in this world could be cruel enough to take her away from us.- oh I just don’t know what to do – I just want to pick her up and make her better for H – I wish I had healing hands – I’d give up my life for her – I’ve done my living that poor little mite hasn’t even taken a breath of fresh air.

Can I barging with someone can I say “let me be ill not her” I’d take on anything right now to stop her from being so very ill. Please if anyone reads this please please please think of my tiny little granddaughter and pray she makes a rapid and full recovery please xxxxxxx

Just for one day I wish this fucking world would stop turning.

I wish I could just hide out for a while and turn my thoughts off – I wish things would just go right instead of wrong. 

Tidgy is unwell – she’s back on CPAP and they are worried she has phenomena – I feel sick just writing it. I’ve hardly slept all night for worrying – I feel ill myself this morning – she was doing so well – they even had discharge papers in her file – I am trying my hardest to think positively but it’s not working very well. H is inconsolable – she looks so pale and weary – they spent hours at the hospital last night and have been back for hours this morning – I just can’t seem to move – I’m just paralyzed with fear – I can not take much more.  

Also last night my sister phoned me – my dad hasn’t been well – he keeps getting really bad chest pains and can’t walk far without getting them and becoming breathless. She was so upset – apparently he’d been to the doctors – so he really must not be well.

Just after K died he had three stents put in his – I dunno where do they put them in your arteries? He’s ignored pains he’s had and now we are here – I am terrified as two of my widow friend’s husbands died of heart attack after having stents and by pass surgery.
I am so worried about him - My little dad – he’s worked so damn hard all his life – it’s just not fair! 

Then after all that a new woman who has joined our widows group rang me saying the co-ordinator had given her my number – so I spent half an hour talking to her which if I am honest I found REALLY hard – especially when I wasn’t really concentrating cos I was worrying about Tidgy and my dad. 

I have to believe they are both going to be ok – they have to be.  

Do you know what though – last night as I lay awake thinking I realised that I never mention K dying of a heart attack when I talk to my sister – I give examples of others who have but I never talk about K – why don’t I? Why don’t I say “you’d think dad would have learnt from K dying of a heart attack” but I never do. 

Thing is sometimes I have to read the death certificate to believe it myself – there was no big drama – no chest clutching – no turning blue – no whispered confessions or declarations of undying love – he just rolled his eyes and was gone!

Maybe it’s because I know that these other men had problems already with their hearts that I can talk about it more easily I just don’t know. 

All I know is I want to hide away until Tidgy and my dad are better because my heart and mind just can not take another piece of bad news! 

Life is weird. 

For weeks now I’ve been cosmically ordering a new car – for moths I’ve been asking for a dog – I am obviously going seriously wrong somewhere as I’ve got both my wishes but in ways I never expected and not exactly how I wanted them.

Firstly my car is so fucked I’ve been borrowing H’s!  Not the dream car I want to OWN but I’ve been driving a new car and by the end of the week like I’d asked for. 

Then on Saturday B rang me and asked if I could look after their dog!

So now I’ve got an old black Labrador sniffing round my house. Not exactly the dog I wanted I want a Chihuahua pup called Chi – but I’ve got a dog even if it’s only till Friday. I’m going to take her out tonight for a walk and I am really looking forward to it. 

My grandbabies have gone on holiday for a few days and I miss them already. I gave them a fiver each – hope B makes sure Little GS gets all the rides he wants and Tiny GD gets something she likes.

I then went to mothercare and bought Tidgy a pair of lemon dungarees and a little white tee shirt – she now weighs exactly 6lb so it’s easier to find things for her. 

OMG you should hear my cat growling at the poor dog!!!!! FFS the cat has just launched himself onto the widow sill and knocked everything flying!! Looks like this is going to be a fun week! 

Ok so I’ve got two things I’ve asked for in ways I didn’t expect so how do I change it to get what I do want – a 6ft dark eyed Adonis who can make love for hour upon hour then go home and come back the next night??????????????????? 

Knowing my luck I’ll find a vertically challenged person with pink eyes who orgasms in less than 30 seconds!!!!!  

In a million years you will never ever guess what happened at the car boot sale.  

There we were me, H & C all unloading the cars and putting things out when I turned round and got the filthiest of looks …………..From…………………..Wait for it………………………..MRS Over the Road.

Oh my fucking good grief if looks could kill I’d have joined K at 5.45am. 

I am presuming she was with her sister (they looked a like) they are obviously pro’s as washing lines and coat rails came out of the car – they had flasks and sandwiches and chairs – it made me laugh as at one stage all I could see were 4 little beady eyes gawping at me. 

She is clearly one very insecure person as the dirty looks continued throughout the morning! C said they were probably looking at me because they had no where else to look!!  

Then about 11.30am the fun and games really started because Mr Over the Road turned up – she looked daggers at me and he blushed scarlet when he saw me.

When she left her stall he waved and smiled and even C said “that was some smile” soon as she was back he didn’t even look over.  

Then when we were packing the cars up she wandered off in one direction and he headed off in mine – we crossed paths and he said “Hiya”  with he most amazing grin, and his son who was following him made me laugh cos he said “Hiya” too – bless him. 

Then I heard her on the phone saying “can you get the garage open dad J is on his way” so they must keep all their stuff there.  

The funny thing is that when we were loading the car this morning their living room light was on and I was thinking “fuck their up early” and as I thought it she looked out of the curtains – then we saw her get in her car – never thinking for a split second she would be heading to the opposite stall to us. 

I wish he wasn’t married to her – but he is so that’s that.  

It made my morning go quick so that was a bonus – I also made £40 – I started to flag about 11am but I was soon back in action as I saw Mr Over the road – I swear I get a naughty twinkle in my eye when I see him and can’t help but want to piss her right off over it cos it’s pathetic – I might be a widow but I’ve got limits and married men our out of bounds! 

Still it makes me smile a lot when I think about it – so Mrs Over the Road piss off with your mucky bloody looks if your husband isn't fucking happy that ain’t my bloody fault! 

PS: Also at this car boot sale a few rows away from me was her next door neighbour – now how’s that for a small world!

I awoke to some good news this morning – Tidgy is making the last lap of her journey – she is coming back to our local hospital this afternoon!!!
The doctors at St James believe she will be ready for home in about 2 weeks time – which is frightening as she will be home on oxygen and also tube feeds.  
If I am truthful I am petrified – I know she is not my responsibility but I will be here. I got to thinking this morning about the fire brigade coming out – notices in my windows – sending letters to the insurance companies ….the list goes on.
When all K’s medical equipment and medicines went back I never thought we’d have anything like that in the house again now I have to think about having oxygen cylinders and nurses in my home again. I don’t know how I will cope with that.  

I think this is a part of my problem – I feel like I am losing my home – this happened when K first started on dialysis – it was like an invasion & I am feeling that way again. 
What is wrong with me? I should be over the moon that she is well enough to come home not moaning about what she will need to be at home. I really am not a nice person am I? 

Of course I can’t wait for my first cuddle – or to change her nappy – or feed her – it’s just all the other things that go with it.  

So thinking this through with logical progression I am scared to death something will happen to her. It’s all so bloody daunting. When B had little GS it was like she took over my home – I don’t want to feel like that – how can I stop myself? 

Other than that I went to see J today, she made me my dinner which was lovely – she is worried I’m down because her and S have both got new men in their lives. I tired to explain to her that it’s not just that. It’s everything – but can I define everything? Nope! She said I ought to write a list of what is bothering me but if I started I’d never stop.

I feel like I’ve got a huge mountain in front of me and I’ve got to climb it with no ropes – if I stay at the bottom I’ll never survive so I’ve got to some how negotiate a way of getting to the top but it all seems way to hard and not worth the bother.
I need something at the top of the mountain to give me a reason to climb but I can’t find anything no matter how hard I look. 

She also said to me that if R and I had got together the night of the party she would have invited us round to the dinner party tomorrow night. Oh well! 

Right I’d better go – the ironing won’t do it’s self will it?

I am utterly distraught this evening. 

I have spent hours this afternoon looking out things for the car boot sale. I’ve little enough without selling everything else. 

I came across a vase – it’s pretty with hand painted flowers on it – it was a present from my mum – as I washed it out – I sobbed has my life really come to this – taking my present to a car boot sale for someone to offer me 20p?

I just wish it was easy to end it all – I can’t do this – I can’t sell what little I have but I’ve no choice.

The vase was dried and put away – I can not sell that. Then raking in the cupboard I came across a wicker picnic basket – inside were folded napkins – we never got chance to use that basket – he died before the summer came – but there it was all ready – what broke my heart even more was also inside was his little tea flask “enough for 2 cups” he used to say. How can I just sell my memories? How did it get to this? Why won’t it stop for me!

I bent on my knees and prayed this afternoon for a miracle to put an end to all this.  

Driving home from the hospital I wondered how easy it would be just to swerve off the road – other people do it as long as it looked like an accident my girls would get the insurance and they’d be set up for life – unlike me. 

All this for a few bloody tins of fucking paint – but it’s not is it? The paint is just another straw – why is the world determined to break me? Why do I keep getting pushed so hard?  Maybe H’s ex had the right idea but I’ve no idea how to make a noose!  

Good grief what a day and its not even over yet. 

I woke up this morning and noticed my alarm clock was off – went into panic mode thinking the electric board had cut me off for not paying the bill! H phoned them and they hadn’t cut us off but we had to organize a payment plan with them so that was ok – but it still left us with no electric. 

We went into the garage to look at the main box thing on the wall – that was all in order – H got the key for the metre cupboard – we opened it – that was ok – we were just about to come back in and phone customer services when the woman over the road shouted “Is your electric off?” we nodded “they cut through the pipes on the building site” she shouted from her bedroom window (not Mr over the Road but the house next door) “they’ve called someone to come and fix it”  3 hours later it came back on – thankfully none of the tropical fish had died however………..I found 3 dead birds in my garden this morning – one being a pigeon – masses of grey feathers everywhere! I’m not a bird watcher so I’ve really no idea what the other two were! Poor little things that’s 5 birds and 3 mice in the last 4 days!

It’s like a blood bath in my garden and I am sick of it now!
 
George my youngest cat was sat on my bed with pink chops! I had to wash him down, he couldn’t possibly have caught them he’s not big enough so the culprit has to be one of my big cats – but I can’t decide which one so tonight I am keeping one of them in and see what happens tomorrow! I can’t have all these dead animals in my bin!! 

After I’d cleared up the garden we were talking about redecorating the house before tidgy comes home – we went to B&Q and need £104 to do it all including gloss! So I had an idea – car boot sale! So we called in to see C and see if she had a table (she does lots of car boot sales) she said we didn’t need one as we would get a stall in the market (where it’s held) so this afternoon we attempted to clean out the garage – we didn’t get very far but we’ve got quiet a bit to sell – I am going to borrow the ladders off my neighbour tonight and get up in the loft where we know there are bags and bags of stuff. So wish us luck in raising the money. 

I’m going to put my phone on ebay and use the money I get from that to sort my car out! 

Something else then happened that I can’t write about without giving away stuff I don’t want to tell but that then threw our afternoon into turmoil yet again! 

So it’s been all go all day……least we’ve got moving with some stuff – whilst in the garage I gathered all the pairs of crutches I’ve accumulated and put them in the car – H has an appointment for her ex broken leg tomorrow so I’ll take them back to the hospital – I also finally got round to phoning the wheelchair services and they are coming to take K’s wheelchair away tomorrow. I should have contacted them a long time ago but I just couldn’t do it but I felt ready to today!

I’m busy tomorrow so they said I’ve got to leave it outside for collection – so hopefully I won’t be here to see it go – that wheelchair caused so many arguments I don’t know why I kept hold of it! 

I’ve still not heard from G – surprise surprise!!!  I’ll check my mail before posting this just in case but I’m not holding my breath! Nope nothing – I am itching for a reply I want to know what he has to say for himself!

Probably all lies and not worth reading anyway but I still want to know!!!!!    

What a perfectly beautiful day it has been today. 

Tidgy is doing so well – she now weighs 5lb 13oz – and is being bottle fed twice a day and loves it. She is starting to take more notice – maybe that’s cos she’s awake more often – tomorrow was her due date – H keeps asking me if I think she would have been born on time and then she sticks her belly out saying “I should be this big now!” To think how seriously ill they both were they both made amazing progress. 

Little GS and Tiny GD are both fine – tiny GD is trying to find her feet to walk – she can totter around holding on to things but she hasn’t the confidence to let go love her heart. Little GS is obsessed with Thomas the tank engine – I was given lots and lots of books for them and I took them down today – I showed him every book but he pushed them away saying “Thomas” THANKFULLY we found one right at the bottom of the bag. I was really relieved and he was overjoyed. 

I do love my little grandbabies so very much. 

As for other news – I got invited tonight to a speed dating thing tomorrow only I can’t make it  D still isn’t well so I’m going over late afternoon, early evening to see Tidgy with H – she wants to bath her – feed her and get her ready for bed and I’d promised to take her so that’s that! 

I finally got round to mowing the lawn this afternoon – the jungle is no more – wonder where the cats will hide all the mice and birds they seem to be bringing home now? 

I also got a mail back from G tonight – he said he would write to me tomorrow and answer all my questions …………………….We’ll see! 

Oh well time marches on and I want to go to bed – I’m reading really good book at the moment ‘A gathering light’. I borrowed it off B – she said today it’s a ‘young adults’ book but hey so what I’m enjoying it.  

Wonder what G has to say for himself ………………  

Since moving hospitals Tidgy is making remarkable progress.
She is now off the CPAP and is having so little oxygen she may as well be breathing the same air as us. She’s never been to this point before so my fingers are crossed (so hard that they hurt) that this is truly her turning point.
She’s also moved nurseries and is now in with the bigger babies – I love being able to see her more often – she is a little sweetie with a tiny little cry that reminds me of a bumble bee. 

I’m feeling a bit better today – ok so things aren’t great but I guess they could be worse.  Oh it’s taken me ages just to write these few words – I just don’t seem to be in the mood to write at the moment. I feel like I’ve had my stuffing knocked out this week and it’s taking me a while to get back on track – I didn’t think I’d react as badly as I have to going back to that hospital but it really did knock me for six and continues to – I can’t admit to H it is tearing me apart – so I’ll put on my ‘I am ok’ mask and do my best to cope with it all. 

I’ve had a really shit week emotionally. 

I’m so pleased that Tidgy is nearer home but going back to that hospital has taken an awful lot out of me and made me realise just how unhappy I am and how much I still miss him and how unable I am to face another 10/20/30/40 years alone. It’s made me question everything – from the way I dealt with his illness to the way I dealt with his death to how I am not really coping now! 

I am going to see the doctor on Monday – I can’t go on like this – doubt he can give me a prescription for a companion but maybe he’ll understand my utter despair.  

I’ve got to find a way to over come my guilt and a way to move forward without always worrying K will be frowning at me. I’ve got to get some of my old confidence back – I just don’t know how I can do it on my own.

Everyone else but me seems to be coping so much better – all the couples are meeting up for dinner next week – I feel so excluded – oh well just more shit to cope with I suppose!

On the brighter side of life Mr Over the Road has just spent the last ten minutes gawping out of his bedroom window – I was really tempted to take my shirt off and give him something to look at – if H & D weren’t in I just might have haha! I know it’s wrong – I know I shouldn’t encourage him – he’s married – he’s ‘no go’ but it turns me on knowing he’s watching me! He does make me laugh though cos he thinks I can’t see him and I can!!!!!

I have just got back from the hospital – Tidgy ‘needs to grow’ is what the doctor said this afternoon – in every respect she is doing absolutely brilliant – her little lungs just need to grow bigger.
They are saying now she will come home on oxygen but I think H always knew that. I had a massive panic as I thought I’d almost killed her – I was helping H dress her and her cpap tube came apart in the middle – I screamed “oh my god” as there was an almight pop and all these people came running – thankfully it wasn’t me it was H who had pulled the tube and also as she can breathe for herself it didn’t matter for a few minutes that the cpap wasn’t attached!
I’ve never been so terrified in all my born days – all I could think was I managed to kill K off now Tidgy was going the same way!

I then realised I am still blaming myself for his death – I know deep down inside I missed something – my care wasn’t good enough and ultimately he died, I know I’m partly to blame for his death (I wasn’t the cause of his heart attack but I should have seen it coming) and I can never forgive myself. If it wasn’t for me he would be here now – he’d be sharing my joy – he shouldn’t be dead. 

I just wanted to run from the hospital today – I wanted to drive to the coast and drive round where we spent our last day and work out why we didn’t die together – why was I left behind? If I was making a good job of being left behind it wouldn’t be so bad so I don’t understand that if my life was to get worse after he died why I was left to deal with it all. 

After the incident with Tidgy one of the sisters on the ward came and gave me the biggest of hugs – it was the first time since K died that I felt safe – how stupid was that. I wanted to ask her to come and sort me out – she just made me feel so protected even just for a few short minutes. I miss that feeling so much.  

As for Tidgy – nothing happened to her and 10 minutes later she was out on H’s knee having a bottle. We had to leave early as they were admitting twins – life certainly goes on so how come I feel like mine has stopped?

Ok I know I shouldn’t have done this but I’ve just emailed G. I know I should leave him behind but I’ve been thinking about him such a lot. I wanted him so much. I still do.

 

I think that’s why I can’t bring myself to think about or even look for someone else.

 

When K died he was so sweet – then after our failed holiday plans he just went so sour on me – I still don’t understand why!

 

Trouble is I can’t get him out of my head. I can see his face – I can remember his words – were they all shit – were they all part of a game he was playing?

 

If I can’t have K back he was the only person I wanted in my life. I thought we would be together for life – if not as lovers as friends. I miss his sexy texts and phone calls – I miss getting random photos from him.

 

I’ll never be happy will I not whilst he still lives and breathes. I know I should just forget him but I can’t & deep down I don’t really want to……Guess deep down I still love G – in a completely different way to K but it makes me so very sad that he doesn’t want me.

 

I just want him back in my life.

I am so terribly grateful to H for letting me loan her computer but I am so missing having my own.

I’ve not been able to write any emails or receive them in about a week (can’t remember when mine finally broke) it is REALLY doing my head in.

I’ve been using my hotmail but its not the same as I’ve only got a limited number of email addressed saved on there – all my job sites used my other email address – argh it’s a nightmare not being able to use it.

I know I’ve got no one to blame but myself – I should have sorted a job out and then I wouldn’t be without a computer but its actually making me feel depressed.

That old feeling of “what’s the point” came straight into my head when I woke up and I’ve not been able to shift it.

I can’t buy one on credit and I don’t really want to as that would lead me to a downward spiral of debt that I can’t afford and don’t need!

When K was alive if we needed something he would just get it – I thought about the unfairness of it all last night – he always got what he wanted – me I’m left with nothing.

I don’t want to go on about ‘the cosmos’ but I pray (not to a god) every single night and every single morning that things will change – that for once something good will happen – I try hard to push negative thoughts out of my head and replace them with positive ones but it’s getting me know where fast.

Its funny how the cosmos works for me – little insignificant things happen and when I look back at my words some things I’ve wished for have actually come true but the big things I want still elude me – why is that?

Regardless I am missing my computer very much.

Well I made it without any tears.

I went over to see Tidgy with H this morning at the hospital K was treated in for 15 years. It was hard – I could see him everywhere – sitting waiting for me at the front door – sat on the bench – sat in the canteen – he was just everywhere or at least my memories of him were. 

As I walked by the unit he was in my tummy was doing flip flops but I held it together. I said to H “I never ever expected to be back there” but I was and although it was hard and the memories very painful – I did it. 

Tidgy isn’t doing to good today – she has a lot of extra fluid and they said she has reflux – H argued that point and said that she’d never had it before why has she suddenly got it now – the nurse to be perfectly blunt was a real bitch and argued with her – I was furious and wanted to say something but I didn’t. The conversation ended when the nurse said she would phone the other hospital and ask them. H and I got up and left and H rang the other hospital and asked and they said she defiantly did not have reflux before she left them.

So bitch nurse can fuck right off – she had no need to speak to H like that at all, nasty bloody cow. 

As I left I got a pang in my heart – I had to walk past the unit again and I’ve got to admit I did look for him but he wasn’t there – I still miss him so very much.

I am missing something and I’m not sure what.

OK this might sound like utter rubbish but to me its not. 

Since K died H reckons she ‘hears’ from him. Some of the things she has told me she could not possibly have know. 

I’ve sort of humoured her unsure of how she could know some of the things she has come out with but I’ve always put it down to childhood memories or that she might have caught the tale end of conversations but she remained convinced her dad was telling her these things. 

Yesterday we went to the grave yard where we saw 6 magpies – the rhyme goes “6 for gold” so we joked about winning the lottery. 

She got out of the car at his grave and told him if he didn’t help get Tidgy home she was done with him and she’d never come back – all said light heartedly but deep down she was asking her dad for help. This morning she gets told Tidgy is coming back to Yorkshire!!!!

Anyway back to yesterday – H and D had a huge row – stress of the situation but it upset me greatly to hear them yelling at each other – I was tried out and wanted to go to bed but I ended up sitting in my car for an hour.

Cut a long story short when I eventually got into bed she came through – she was resting her head against my leg and I turned the light out – she said to me “dads here mum” I was like “yeah woteva” so she said “Mum I swear he is trying to tell you something” 

So to call her bluff I said to her “ok ask him what his best friend at school was called” she went so silent I thought she had fallen asleep – now I know beyond a shadow of doubt there was no way she would have known that as he really never spoke to them (my girls) about his school days - which was later this afternoon confirmed by B who I asked the same question to but she had no idea. I could feel H moving on my leg when she shouted out “T….His name was T” she was absolutely right. So I said to her out of all the things at school that he hated what did he hate the most (he went to a public boarding school)  so there was a lot he hated but one thing in particular that I knew she wouldn’t know. Silence again – then she said “Mass – he hated mass” I asked B today what she thought he hated most and she said ‘gravy’ but we all knew that – H & B never knew that every Sunday they got dressed up and went to mass – the thing he hated the most. 

Still unconvinced at H’s answers I sent her off to bed to ask him to give her a question only I would know the answer to. 

I got a text off her this afternoon saying “what was the name of the shop he bought your engagement ring from and what happened to the underpants?” 

For the life in me I had no idea what the shop was called it was 27 years ago now since he bought that ring and it was a German shop so how the heck would I remember, as for the underpants fuck knows ………………. Anyway when she got home D went off to football and she was chatting as she does when she said to me “did you remember the name of the shop?” I said “no” then she started to question me about the underpants! 
I said to her he had loads of pairs how was I supposed to know which ones he was on about when a sudden memory came flashing back the shop was called ‘(something) Gold' and he once had a pair of gold coloured undies (they are a novelty pair someone bought him for Christmas) 

So I saw 6 magpies and she asks me two questions that’s answers are both gold!

So is there a connection? If there is I can’t work it out - is she really in contact with her dad? I’m still waiting for that one defining thing but she seems convinced, and now I can’t get it out of my mind that I am missing something ……………..but what?

I'm so excited Tidgy GD is moving back to Yorkshire this afternoon.....not our local hospital but one not so far away - fingers crossed she has a safe journey home - love her little premmy heart xxx

She is now safely back in Yorkshire - got a text from H saying she had just arrived so I've no news on how she is doing.

I have been a wreck this afternoon worrying about her. Now I can get to see her much more often and I am so thrilled.

My only concern is how I face going to that hospital without looking out for K when I get there. He spent years in that place - I know I am just going to have to be brave for H but my tummy is churning just thinking about it.

PS: quick question can anyone supply the answer please? Can anyone outside of blog land - say just a passer by not a blogger read our words? Or do you have to sign in?

I had the most sensational night last night – I’ve never drunk so much champagne in my life.

Don’t ask me to tell you what cocktails I had cos the only one I remember was a Singapore sling & I could become hooked on them quiet easily. 

The company was exceptional too – our host S (the male S) couldn’t have been nicer if he had tried.- nothing was too much trouble for him – he made up all the beds – including leaving a little teddy on my pillow. 

He made loads of lovely food too – including chocolate covered strawberries and grapes and pineapple yummieeeeee!

A bottle of champagne was opened as soon as me and J got there – we’d polished off two bottles before the first guests arrived haha! R arrived not long after that with his karaoke – but we didn’t get into full swing on that till after 10pm – when we had all had way too much to drink. It was so funny – at one point J was swinging the mic around next thing I know she had hit R right on his head with it – no one but me noticed he was actually bleeding – poor love – but I couldn’t speak for laughing – its never funny to tell a funny story second hand but believe me the way it happened was hilarious! 

S kept the drinks coming along with S’s (the female S) friend M. He was a nice chap – he kept saying he was learning from us all – he learnt how to apply make up – he learnt all about recycling and most important how to make a cocktail. 

J & S (the male S) vanished into the dinning room and S (the female one) and M went up to bed leaving me and R singing our little hearts out for a good hour. He is such a sweet man – no chemistry there – though when I went to bed all on my own half of me wished there was – but he is a really nice, decent fella who I felt at home with.  

 So all in all it was a really great night – probably the best I’ve had since meeting all these amazing people. Everyone was just so happy and the atmosphere was fantastic – I am so glad I made myself go I’d have really hated to have missed it.

Until yesterday I wasn’t looking forward to the party tonight. I wasn’t happy with the top I’d bought – it didn’t seem to fit the occasion – I felt frumpy and old – so H took me shopping and she found me the most gorgeous top – very sexy but in an understated way – I love it – its hanging on my wardrobe and I keep looking at it thinking “I will feel great in that"………………..however I am full of bloody cold. My throat feels like I’ve swallowed a broken glass – my nose is running like an over flowing river and my head and body are aching.

I’ve had a really bad headache for the last two days and I’ve not been able to stay warm – I was in bed at about 10.30 last night having taken a couple of paracetamol …..H couldn’t go see Tidgy yesterday cos she is also unwell with this!!!!! 

Fucking typical ain’t it? I’ve no energy either – I just went to make a cup of coffee and felt knackered coming back up the stairs and my ear is now hurting!

So the solution is to dose myself up but then I won’t be able to drink will I?

Ho hum! 

I can’t back out as a lot of time and money has been spent on this party by the host and he keeps telling me “this party is for you to cheer you up” which is so kind – but in truth all I want to do is close this computer, get a hot water bottle and curl up and sleep for the rest of the day – even my fingers are hurting tapping out these words! 

I’m not leaving till 3pm so I suppose I’ve got time to feel better but I don’t think it’s likely – I HATE being ill, nothing makes me more ratty and annoyed!

Today was little GS’s 2^nd Birthday.

He’s had a wonderful day and when I left just now he was really tired and so ready for bed – love his little heart. 

Oh damn I forgot to bring my bit of cake home! 

I swear that little boy is going to be a famous artist one day – he loves colouring and painting – he puts so much effort and passion into every little drawing/painting he does. He concentrates so hard on what he is doing too – he fills a whole page then asks for “more paper”

I love to watch him. Tonight he was drawing whilst listening to some really fast music his little hand got faster and faster till he almost couldn’t keep up. 

I felt sad today too – K only knew him for a month and as B was saying today he spent at least two weeks of that time in the hospital.- it’s so sad that he’s missed out on so much. I treasure every single second I get to spend with my grandbabies – I love to watch them do new things – H took a video of Tidgy having her first bath yesterday – I cried watching it – she has survived all the odds and although she is still struggling a little she is doing ok. 

Tiny GD is so beautiful – she loves having a cuddle – I gave her, her bed time bottle tonight and she was all snuggled in and warm and cosy – I didn’t want her to move but her mum said she had to go to bed. 

I can’t imagine my life without these little people in it. They are all so different but each one has managed to fill in the gaps in my heart and give me reason to be thankful every single day.

I try terribly hard not to be over sensitive but I am REALLY sick to death of people who say the most stupidest of things!  

Everyone who knows me – knows I am a widow – yet still they make stupid fucking comments – maybe its just me but I’d watch and do watch things that I say or emails that I send – I’ve had some emails off family that have left me reeling and hoping that none of them ever have their husbands die on them – they haven’t a fucking clue how insensitive they are being – I know they aren’t in my shoes and me and my friends so often say the only way they would ever understand would for them to be in our positions but I wouldn’t wish that on any of them.

I swear if just one more person sends me a “husband” joke email I will seriously lose my temper.

I just want to say “OI THINK BEFORE YOU SEND I DON’T FIND THESE JOKES FUNNY” 

My mum is an offender and you’d really think she would know better! I’ve put up with it for almost 2 years and I find them no more funny now than I did in the beginning! I want to say “YES MUM IT’S OK FOR YOU TO LAUGH AT THESE JOKES BECAUSE MY DAD IS BY YOUR SIDE – I’D GIVE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD FOR k TO BE HERE ANNOYING ME WITH HIS DIRTY HABITS” 

ARGH! 

I can laugh a long with the best of them but I loose the plot when I get sent these emails!

My heart is aching tonight for the TV presenter Mark Speight – I just hope that they find him and he hasn’t harmed himself. 

Grief affects people in so many different ways, its so sad that he feels he had no one to turn to. I’ve been so lucky finding the widows group and making friends with people who totally understand where I am coming from – my dark days are often made brighter by those people and thanking them seems inadequate.
I know I’ve said in the past that I now find it hard to cope when talking to the newly bereaved but if I could offer a helping hand to any of them I would – I
remember when I first joined the group I thought to myself “I’ll never be like them I’m not that strong” now I am talking to people who think the same of me – which is strange. 

Anyway I’ve had an amazingly lovely day today. Me & H got in the car mid morning and went over to see Tidgy – aww she is so cute – I was able to sit with her and H for hours which was really wonderful as when D is there one or the other of them has to leave the room for me to go in which I feel bad about so I never stop long. 
She is coming on in leaps and bounds now – still a long way to go but she’s getting there at her own pace. I’ve still not been allowed to hold her and I am really aching too but once she is out of there I’ll be able to hug her for the rest of time.

3 years ago today my first granddaughter was born and sadly died 43 minutes later. 

I wonder every day what she would have looked like – what kind of things she would have liked – strange as it may seem for me to say this if she had lived my darling little grandson and granddaughter wouldn’t be here and I can’t imagine life without them.

B was in bits for a long time after little Rosie died – even now I have to think before I speak to her as I often get yelled at if I say something I’ve not put a lot of thought into it. I know I can be over sensitive at times but at least I’ll admit it – B however takes an awful long time to forgive you if you say the wrong thing.

 I held Rosie before she died – I tried to give her a life time of love in those brief minutes – looking back now – there was absolutely nothing that could have been done to save her – lots of her brain hadn’t developed and she was severally disfigured – they said they could keep her alive but they knew it would only be a matter of hours rather than minutes and B made the decision not to have her put through the trauma of having tubes and things put in to her.

I’ll never ever forget the look of utter bewilderment on her face as they tried to tell her – for months after she just looked so sad – all I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and hug the pain away but I never could. 

Today H & I went to the graveyard  I looked at all her little things on the grave – the dollies B was never able to buy for her – shells they have brought her home from the seaside – an angel candle holder my mum bought for her – a teddy I got her.  

It’s not right is it?  

Sleep tight little Rosie – there’s not a day goes by that we don’t think of you – that we don’t wonder how you’d have grown – or who you would have looked like. We all wish you were still here with us – little sweetheart god bless xxx

I don't know if I will be around for a while - my laptop finally gave up this morning - I knew it would eventually - its been hanging on by a thread for months & this morning it just died.

My brothers friend from work rang us up and gave us some advice - there's a tiny chance it might work but he said it wasn't looking hopeful.

H has lent me hers whilst she goes to see Tidgy - but it looks like thats the only time I'm going to be able to log on till a mirical happens and I can afford a new one!

Why does it always pour and never just lightly rain on me?

Well my morning went ok but I’ve sunk into the pits again this afternoon.

 

I’ve managed somehow to take some lovely candid and posed shots of J’s children in the park – considering I’ve hardly touched the camera in 2 years they haven’t come out too bad! Suppose it was all about getting my confidence back – if you don’t do something for ages you’re bound to be rusty – is what I kept telling myself. However I am sure she will be pleased with them when she sees them cos I was.

 

She is going to show her friends them as they are wanting some done of their daughter – so fingers crossed she likes them and so do her friends – word of mouth hey – being in the right place at the right time! It’s got to happen sooner or later.

 

After we finished taking the photos we went to the coffee shop – oh how things move on at a pace in my life – I was just going to moan my way through another post but I feel rather cheered up now!

 

I’ve just been talking to my sister in law – when her and my brother got married I met a lovely man at their wedding – he was single – never married and worked at pinewood studios – I have a collection of film stills and we got chatting about them. Anyway I was bemoaning the fact that I’m the only one out of our group whose not done the “deed” when she piped up and said “I know the perfect person for you – his name is SR” I said “oh I know him” and then went into a long drawn out explanation of how I met him and how I drove him home. She said I’ve got to get myself down there and her and my brother will cook a meal and invite him haha! What a lovely thought. He’s loaded too!!!!!!! Plus he fits some of the criteria that the medium said – he was tall – box ticked – he was well travelled – box ticked – he already knew me – box ticked – he would understand me – box ticked (after what my sis in law just told me) he’d had a hard life – box ticked (again after what she just said) so he’s ticked just about everything but the skinny box!

 

So who knows – it would be worth the £20 train fare to find out! Hahaha!!!

PS: The medium also told me I would never be mega rich but once this person came into my life I would be comfortable for the rest of mine!!! Another box ticked.

PPS: None of this is helping me with my money worries is it?

I’m so tired this morning.

I had a really restless night – I once read we take in more information in a day than our ancestors way back when took in, in a month – no wonder my head spins at times is it?

I need to get out of bed – I’ve things to do and places to be – but my toe is sore – pathetic excuse but it is! My little toe on my right foot – dunno what is wrong with it but its hurting!

My eyes are sore too this morning – they are actually aching – has anyone else ever had really achy eye lids?

I’m taking photos of J’s children this morning – we are going to the park – guess the fresh air will do me the world of good! I forgot to charge the battery last night so I am just hoping a quick charge for half an hour will do the job!

As for everything else – I am going back to forgetting that G exists – he really isn’t worth it & R can sit on the back boiler now till the 12th – I really have got far more important things to worry about.

Like what do I do with a 10 inch dead rat? Guess Stanley caught it last night but why did he have to bring it home? Theirs is one heck of a difference between a 1 inch mouse and a bloody enormous great dead rat! Bloody cat.

I can’t sleep – G has unsettled me – this morning I was worried about R and whether to text or not – tonight I am in turmoil.

Why did he ask to be added to my msn?

This morning I knew what direction I was taking then G throws me back into a spin.

I loved G not like I loved my husband but I had deep rooted feelings for him. From the second I set eyes on him I knew I wanted him and believe it or not he wanted me too – but I resisted and he was sweet enough to just be my friend.

I can’t say what he wrote in the final email to me (it wouldn’t be fair on him) but the words he wrote to me turned me inside out – they were so final – he knew he left me no choice but to walk away and never look back – which after my entail shock & subsequent email I did.

In the middle of last year I honestly believed we could make a go at a relationship – it was a big step to take but I wanted him – plain and simple – I thought he wanted me too. So I got up dusted myself down and decided it was best just to forget – I never have really and I often wonder what he’s doing or how well he is doing – whether he overcame the problems he told me of.

He never replied to my last email – the one where I asked him why he led my up the garden path – why he didn’t tell me he had these problems – why did he let me believe he would be part of my life ……….

So why now?

I know it probably doesn’t seem much of a big deal – people add people to their msn – yahoo – facebook all the time – but to me it is a big deal. He left me no choice but to walk away – he almost ran – or at least it felt like that at the time.

Now he’s confused me all over again – yes as dumb as it sounds – I’d still give anything to have a relationship with him – but deep down I know it’s not the brightest move I could make.

These are the kind of times I get so mad with K for dying – I wouldn’t even be thinking these things if he was still here!

I like R – he is a pleasant, charming man – not sure there is lust there but does that matter? He is real and solid – where as G is a shadow from my past, but a shadow that I loved for years.

K knew about G – he was pissed off – of course he was – but he knew I’d never leave him and he knew I loved him beyond measure – I never did anything wrong – I loved him as my friend – like I love J & S but I always wanted him in a way that was not possible.

I’ve watched for an email from him all night but there’s been nothing – guess he didn’t really mean to ask me to add him – maybe pursuing R is not the right thing to do?

Oh why did he have to turn up and muddle my head?

Ok So I sent a text at at 5.50pm

As yet no reply.

I wrote something along the lines of - hope your ok - r u looking forward to the party - glad you and the boys had a good holiday. I always remember being told you need to ask questions like why what where when to get a reply (interviewing technique for radio) so I asked a few questions.

It's now two hours later and I've not had a reply!

I'm not going to give up hope - guess this is the sort of thing I'll have to get used to - is it a bad sign????

9.45pm Got a text back - it just said he is looking forward to the party - all that angst for that hahaha!!

In the year 2000 I met a bloke – he was loads younger than me but he was lovely and if I hadn’t have been married I know for a fact we would have had a relationship.

 

We kept in touch until the end of last year – phone calls – texts – emails – we even planned to meet up one day but it never happened.

 

He moved away in 2004 but still we kept in touch – we even planned a holiday together but he made his excuses and I thought he was just putting me off cos he didn’t want to meet up with me.

 

At the end of last year I got an email from him – in it he told me I deserved better than him and divulged a few personal details that I was sort of aware of but hadn’t realised the extent of – so I was a bit pissed off and wrote back and said so. I felt let down by his revelations but worse things have happened to me so I bounced back.

 

After the incident yesterday – with the old school friend on facebook – much to my delight she deleted me from her facebook and msn. Yipppppeeeeeeee she was a fucking pain in the arse – constantly bombarding my inbox with stupid emails and she was just as bad on facebook – so to be perfectly honest I am relieved she has deleted me – funny how people can ‘say it as it is’ but don’t like it when you bite back!

 

What has this got to do with G?

 

Well this morning I was looking through my contacts on hotmail and deleted a few people I’ve not heard from in months – I deleted G – no point him  being there taking up room is there?

 

I went down to B’s and when I got back I turned on my MSN and guess what?

 

I had a thing (can’t remember what they are called) asking me for permission to add G!!!!!

 

How spooky is that – I delete him – he adds me? What does he want? B said to block him but I want to know why after 5 months he wants to be back in touch!

 

I’ve written a mail asking if he did it by accident or design any bets I’ll not hear from him and never know haha!

 

Why can’t the job side of my life be as fast moving as the social side? Hmmm!

        

I am a bit miffed this morning.

 

A month or so ago I met a man at one of our meals out. He was a nice fella and he made me laugh but in all I spent about 3-4 hours in his company. J reckoned she saw a spark – I just remember him gawping at my boobs, and making me laugh a few times. This now seems to have blown up out of all proportion and everyone knows about it – Katie likes R?! Does she?

 

Well I did like him but as I say I’ve only met him the once – now I am being constantly questioned as to whether I’ve heard from him.

 

On Sunday he replied to an email I had sent to him Wow! Then he asked me about my camera on facebook – then he sent me a text in reply to one I sent when we were away. Apparently that means he is interested? I just thought he was being polite!

 

If one more person says have you texted R I’m going to scream. How do you text someone out of the blue? What the heck would I say?

 

Dear R,

 

It’s your stalker – how are you?

 

Hmmmmm

 

Oh god is my old fashionedness creeping in? I am sort of like ‘he should text me if he’s that bothered’ but is that so 1950’s?

 

I don’t know how to do this – I like you – malarkey.  I don’t know what is acceptable and not.

 

How do you text someone you hardly know out of the blue? Should I text? Should I wait till the party on the 12^th? Just because he sent me 3 messages in an hour doesn’t mean he fancies me does it?

 

Oh my goodness I am never going to get the hang of all this am I?

 

According to some insensitive cow (old school friend on my facebook) LIFE GOES ON – my only reply is ‘NO SHIT’

 

Apparently we all lose someone and we should ‘get over it’ all I can think is she has never lost anyone she loves.

 

I could explain to her that I am heading up two years and I am hurting again real bad at the moment by why should I? Maybe I could explain that ‘yes life goes on and that’s the saddest part’ it really is the hardest bit – I am lucky enough to watch my grandbabies grow – he isn’t. I’m able to walk freely – go where I want – form a new relationship if I want – eat a piece of chocolate cake if I want – lie in a reasonably warm bed on a night – watch TV……………..It all goes on for all my worrying - I’m still living but he isn’t and even after almost two years I wish he was.

 

I still miss so much about him – I can’t help that – I can’t switch off my memories of him – we laugh about so many of the stupid things he used to do and we miss them. The tiniest thing can set a string of memories off in an instant.

 

I suppose I could explain to her that you never ‘get over it’ you just learn to live with it – how can you get over it? Those words should be banned.

 

It wasn’t even as though it was written with good intentions – it was bitchy and nasty and I don’t need that – I would never ever challenge someone’s right to feel hurt or upset – every one is different. Even here in good old blog land – I read posts from people who have had relationships ending and although I can relate to some of the things I read I never went through a ‘break up’ so my understanding of that isn’t too hot - but I can empathize with the feeling of loss.

 

Do you know what I’d give for just 5 more minutes with him? Just to show him our beautiful grandbabies? To fill him in on family gossip? To hear the phone ring and he is on the other end of it? To get a text message and it to be from him? To hold him again and tell him I love him? I’d give anything. I really would. 

 

Yes I’m stuck in a rut but I know deep down inside it will change – it has too – I know it probably doesn’t sound like it when I write but I do keep hope in my heart – I use my blog to get all the crap off my chest but in real life – here in my house – I do sit and think it will all be ok eventually.

Life is a path way on that path someone has placed way too many obstacles for me too get round – but one by one I am and I am sometimes proud of myself (other times not so) but right now the obstacles are just that little bit too high for me – do you know how I see them when I think about it – they are hurdles – like on a running track – some I can jump really easily – others are as tall as the high jump and take time to master and the last ones are like those you have to use a stick to lever yourself up with – that’s the kind I’ve hit at the moment – but if a mighty athlete can do it then so can I – it all just takes time and trust in myself – I will conquer it – I am powerful.