parallel universe

Ok I am obviously missing something on the job hunting/cv thing but for the life in me I can’t see where I am going wrong.

I am a GPO trained telephonist – I worked – admittedly a lot of years ago on the busiest switchboard in Europe – I trained people to work on that switchboard too.

Then I worked as a telephone sales person – a receptionist – and unpaid work on two different radio shows as producer/presenter. I've interviewed people in the street - our local MP - all kinds of differnent people from different walks of life. I even interviewed a local poet  (Ian McMillan)as he was on the move on a train, I'm not frightened of people or talking to them - is the point I am trying to make.

I’ve got 7 O levels – an open learning community media certificate which is the equivalent to 2 A levels – I’ve got two city in guilds qualifications one for colour photography and one for black and white – I’ve got a national diploma in photography – which is equivalent to 3 A levels – I’ve got a computer studies qualification – what the fuck more do I need?

I’ve written in the HOBBIES bit that I write and sell poetry – friends ask for poems to be written for special occasions – so I gather back ground info then write poems that mean something to them and they buy them. I was also told to write (by my brother) that I’ve written 4 novels – he says it shows commitment and another word I can’t remember.

I just don’t know where I am going wrong. I would employ me – are they just looking at my total lack of working experience even though I’ve got qualifications – if they are I can NEVER rectify that – I was a carer who studied, I can’t do a thing to change that besides lie and I don’t do lying.

I’m so obviously going wrong somewhere right at the beginning but I don’t understand where.

Any idea’s – I’ve added everything I can think of – my CV has been looked at by everyone I know – bits have been added or taken away.

Oh this is so bloody frustrating – I’m not looking at becoming the director of some massive big company – I’m applying for telesales jobs- reception kind jobs and other boring crap jobs that I know I will find tedious but I need the money – so I’ve got to try but no one has even had the fucking decency to send a letter saying – your application has been unsuccessful.

What more can I do? I genuinely need to know cos I’m baffled.

He so just amused me.

I went to get some potatoes from the supermarket and he was in the queue next to mine – he didn’t know where to put himself when he saw me – he blushed so red he looked like a lobster – so I took a deep breath and did my sweetest smile – he couldn’t pack his bag fast enough – bless!

Funny thing is I’ve not seen him in weeks and weeks – my lap top is so knackered I have to sit at the table with it so it doesn’t fall apart – so I am not often in the living room anymore.

Poor old Mr Over The Road – trouble is he really is fit and he still managed to reduce me to a horny wreck whilst buying his milk!

What a strange morning!

I woke up really early and for the first time in weeks my first thought wasn’t “oh fuck what am I going to do” it was “I’m going to change this.”

I didn’t feel sick and I got up straight away & went to the shop for a newspaper and some cigs (I wanted my copy of ‘time bandits’)

I came home made some coffee and turned the comp on – checked my emails and there was one from this widower I like. He’d been missing in action for a week so it was really good to hear from him.

He complimented me on some photos I’d put on my facebook – so that cheered me up immensely.

He said he is looking forward to the cocktail party too – I’m so glad he’s going as last night I talked to J who said her and S are going to make me look a million dollars on that night. S is going to do my make up and J is going to do my hair. They said I need a boost and they are not wrong.

So alls well for now in my world.  

PS: Oh my goodness - I'm not going to read too much into this but I just got a text message from the bloke mentioned above - he put 'luv from' on it haha! I just hope the day keeps getting better and better xx

Since melting down this morning I’ve been really busy.

I’ve managed this afternoon to encourage a widower I know to build me a web site for free – though I don’t know how much it will cost to put on the internet.

I’ve also managed to secure two family portrait jobs next week – though I’m not sure how much to charge.

I’ve also managed to talk B into letting me do some new photos of the grandbabies – I had to talk her into it as it means coming to my house – something she doesn’t do often!

I’ve also managed to talk someone into letting me take photos of their tattoos – just to show I’m versatile on my web site.

I have also secured pre wedding photos of a friend of H’s in August – I might however get H in my wedding dress outside an old church just too show off my abilities as August is ages away.

I’ve also applied for another 4 different jobs – all answering phones – I can’t think of anything more boring but at the same time I can’t go on like this. I’m thinking of positives outcomes – I’m thinking of positive outcomes!!!!!!

I thought this morning I was finally going to snap – I walked round town with B crying my eyes out much to her embarrassment – I came home and slept and woke up with a bit of determination.

I am the only one that can do this. I don’t know if it will work but I’ve got to give it a try.

I’ve ordered a copy of the Freelance Photographers Handbook apparently it is worth having …………………..

So now I am just aching for Tuesday to come better go an research pricing structures hadn’t I?

I’ve been up since six being sick – it’s stress – nothing more – I’m not sleeping again – I just keep going over it and over it and over it – why won’t anyone reply to my applications (I’ve been on this job hunt for almost 4 months)– where’s the money going to come from – how can I pay the bills – can I afford petrol this week – my car needs to be MOT’ed – the cats need worming tablets – H and D are broke (all their money & it’s not much is going on visiting tidgy) so they can’t help me out.

I daren’t put my card in the cash machine. I’ve cut my building society card up so I am not tempted to take my mortgage money out.

Money isn’t my only problem but my biggest one – I feel so trapped and scared and I don’t know who to turn too – its like I can’t do anything with out money – I can’t get a job so I can’t get any money – without it I can’t pay the bills or join in any of these groups that would give me some sort of social life. Round and round and round and round I spin.

I’ve given up everything – I am back to square one – where my life was 20 years ago with K & I can not cope with it – my head just won’t be quiet – its just nagging at me all the time – sort it out – sort it out – sort it out – BUT HOW?

I can’t make anyone give me a job – oh this is a nightmare and I just want it to end.

This is almost laughable – it’s ridiculous – I counted up the night outs I’ve had since K died its been about 15 (give or take) I’ve spent a sub total of 14 days away in 2 years – so out of almost 730 days I’ve had about 30 nights out of my house.

This is hell.

This is beyond any ones joke now – really and truly beyond all reason.

Here we go again.

J goes on her first date tonight and Mrs envious here has just been out and spent a fortune (£2.00) on chocolate – had to find a way of making myself feel better for half an hour. I am really pleased for her just very sad for me.

I’d love to be invited out – having a reason to get dressed up – feeling wanted. Mind you if J’s emotions are anything to go by – I’d be a wreck haha!

Still I’d love to be in just one of her shoes tonight ho hum.

I’ve been in touch with an old mate this week – he emailed me out of the blue – found myself ‘flirting’ via email if there is such a thing – however last night I realised how stupid I was being – pathetic and needy – so I’ve backed off 90 to the dozen.

I’m not one bit interested in him – guess it felt good to have a bit of male attention but I want it in REAL life – I’ve known this bloke for 20 years in real life but he left the area and when he came back we sort of lost touch. Regardless, there is nothing there never was never will be - so I'm better off taking 5million steps back - I don't want to give the wrong impression!

Guess I’ll just have to bank on the party I am going to in two weeks time – I’ve mentioned before that I like one of the widowers who is going so I suppose I’ll take J’s advice and get all glammed up and go for it – I’ve got nothing to loose. I need sex – I need male company – I need to be treated like a woman …………………..

Other than that I’ve still had no replies from any of my applications ….ho fucking hum!

Grandbabies are all well. I put tiny GD and little GS to bed last night (the controller is on nights)  Tiny GD was good as gold and fell asleep with not a second glance – little GS however thought it was play time – I carried him up and put him in bed – he started to cry so I snuggled him in and turned to leave with the pitter patter of little feet running after me I didn’t get as far as the door before he raced past me and ran into the bathroom – his mum got cross and put him back in bed – it fair broke my heart to hear him cry as I came down the stairs. 5 minutes later he’d stopped crying and was asleep.

I’ve been aching to put him to bed for ages so besides his tears I was really happy cos I got to do it.

Tidgy GD is ok – no real change in her – oh except they are now trying to bottle feed her – H took a video of it on the camera last night – she wasn’t one bit interested in that bottle haha!

Well I suppose I better go and do the washing up – how fucking exciting NOT!

http://www.classictraintravel.com/tours/Russia/BAM.htm

I feel like I am squeezing out every tiny bit of my inner resources to keep myself from going completely mad with boredom.

I’ve tried to so hard to find things to occupy my time but I’ve run out of things to do – I’m bored of what would normal keep me amused.

TV bores me stupid – the internet is boring me stupid – I’ve got nothing to read but even books aren’t giving me pleasure much these days. If I see another puzzle book I will scream – I’m bored of painting – I can entertain myself no longer!

I feel like I am going to go mad – I feel like ripping my hair from my head.

I am so so sick of being alone. So so sick of having no one to talk to – days are bad enough but nights just drag on and on and bloody on – I have taken to sitting watching the clock tick round to bed time – watching each minute take an hour to tick by.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I had a long chat last night to one of my widow friends who reassured me that what I was feeling yesterday is normal – I know it is deep down but sometimes I just need to hear it.

Reading through the widows site its funny how many people hit a ‘2 year low’

Women and men just like me – writing word for word what I wrote – I was amazed at just how many people actually had the same thoughts as me.

I know half my problem is being stuck – no one has replied to any of the applications I’ve sent off – my CV can’t be that bad as I’ve had H & B & my bro working on it for me – it’s so disheartening and scary to think no one wants you – that sends me into a blind panic as I’ve no idea how else to make money. It’s not fair either – I didn’t choose to become K’s carer – it just happened. Now I’m facing a life of poverty for a decision that was made 17 years ago – hardly fair is it when I’ve got so much to offer.

I know it probably doesn’t come over on my blog but I am good with people – I like to talk but even a crappy old call centre hasn’t replied to my application – as I am writing this my heart is pounding through my chest at the thought of never having any money – it frightens me – oh why won’t someone give me a chance. A job will solve lots of my problems – I only need a chance.

I am feeling so down this morning so apologies in advance for a very depressive post.

I woke up this morning with a rush of panic – as I’ve done for a few weeks now.

First thought this morning as is the first thought every morning is “where’s the money coming from?”  Followed by “what is the point?”

So here I am sat in my bed looking out of my scruffy drafty window wondering why I am still here.

From my window I can see rows of glass roofed conservatories, and gardens over taken by massive trampolines – I can see the cars dashing up the road – all those people with a purpose – buses full of faces – people I’ll never know – people with lives.

It’s raining too which doesn’t help – but it wouldn’t matter if it was raining if only I could find a reason to go on.

My bedroom is a tip at the moment – what’s the point in tidying it – no one but me sees’s it. In one corner I’ve got a TV that I never dare put on for fear of making my bills even bigger. In the other corner are two towers of books – when K died reading was the only way I could help myself get to sleep – now books are a definite NO – the £5 I would have not thought twice about spending on one now pays for the cat food.

K’s side of the bed is empty and looking at it in broad day light breaks my heart – he should be in it. He should be there telling me its all going to be ok. He should be there smiling at me – I should be moaning at him that it’s time to get up – but I’ve not got a single reason to get out of bed this morning.

On my bedside cabinet – my old old cabinet – are my crystals – are they doing the job they are meant to? I don’t think so. I’ve got a tiny teddy that is supposed to smell like chocolate – does it? I don’t think so! I’ve got a candle on there that I have no reason to light – I’ve got pillow spray that is supposed to help me sleep – does it? I don’t think so.

The floor of my bedroom is covered in washing – washing I can’t be bothered to do – it doesn’t matter if I wear the same thing for days on end cos no one is here to see me.

On one of my walls I’ve got a lucky horse shoe – K bought me it, Lucky me? Huh that’s a joke. Above that is a welsh love spoon that K also bought me – LOVE? What is love? Who loves me? No one. Above that is a white feather with intertwining gold stands of ribbon – my mum sent me that when K died – its suppose to be my guardian angel – I don’t believe in angels cos if they were real and I had one surely it would help me?

On my widow sill I’ve got umpteen little tiny Buddha’s – each one is supposed to bring me different things – do they? Nope!

So then all that’s left in my room is me. Me who’s looking so hard for a reason to live. Me who can’t find a job no matter how hard I try. Me who searches for solutions from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Me who in reality doesn’t want much out of life. Me who still aches – me whose heart is still broken – me who jut can not see a point.

Yippeee I’ve just booked my first events photography job.

I have been asked to do a children’s birthday party – I know it probably doesn’t sound that exciting but its work – paid work and who knows where it might lead.

I know I’ve had a few jobs taking pictures of friends children but it’s never got me anywhere so hopefully with business cards in hand it might just be the start I’ve been trying to find for so long.

I’ve got to get a break sometime haven’t I?

I’m sinking again.

Fuck I hate these ups and downs.

All it took was a phone call from J to tell me that she has an official date with S on Friday night and my heart just sank and the big black cloud floated over my head.

I really am so happy for her – she is a special person – I’ve never met anyone as kind and thoughtful as her and she really does deserve to be happy. I just feel so out of it all. I’m the only one in our little group now who hasn’t had a date or a shag saying that I’m the only one in our group who doesn’t have any kind of social life outside of our meetings and meals!

I don’t want to grow old alone. I want to sound as excited and as happy as J did tonight- but all I can see is me growing old and grey by myself – endless nights of loneliness – as I say I’m sinking tonight!

Tidgy GD now weighing 4lb 5oz - still having a few breathing problems but she is doing OK

One of the very last things I did with K on the 12^th May 2006 was to sit outside a little tea hut in Filey and drank tea.

The sea fret was rolling in and it was cold and damp. He wasn’t feeling well so we finished the tea and headed home. Less than 10 hours later he was dead.

When J & I arrived in Filey on Saturday I held my breath as we walk past that little tea hut – I looked at the people sat out side like me and K had – they were huddled up against the freezing wind – making clouds with their breaths.

Not one of them – not even J knew how hard it was for me to walk by that hut. No one knew how I ached to see him still sat there with his daft smile – but no matter how hard I tried to see him he wasn’t there – then I realised I was staring at this man – I didn’t mean too – I saw him looking at me and he smiled at me – I wanted to tell him about that day – I wanted to say “hey do you realise almost 2 years ago my husband sat exactly where you are sitting now he’s dead” but his smile made me smile back in return & the spell was broken – I can go back now without the hurt inside and all it took was a smile – a small life changing smile.

We had a brilliant afternoon after that – we ate chips and hot donuts and walked & watched the young surfers – one of J’s children dropped a bucket into the sea and we followed it on its journey as the tide came in with force.

Whilst we were walking we saw the rescue helicopter it was up over the Brigg – so we decided to go back to the car and go up to the top of the brigg to see what it was doing – as we drove up the road we passed by some semi naked men – getting out of wet suits – so we turned round and drove back down – I had to tell J to speed up a bit cos she was only going about 3 miles an hour – more naked flesh – so we drove by for a third time – this time we caught sight of 3 of them in black boxers…………….hahaha!

That’s when I finally realised I am doing OK. I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time – yeah I’ve got to sort out employment but do you know my happiness is far more important than any amount of money or job!

I can’t live on fresh air but I am not – no way – going to make a job my life – I’m not going to be stressed out over looking and I am not going to stay anywhere I feel unhappy but one thing is for certain if I can cope with K’s death – the rest of life has got to get easier!!!!!

What a weekend.

We set off Friday lunch time – howling wind – pouring rain – traffic at a stand still on and off the whole way there. When we finally arrived I had the headache from hell.

It was FREEZING cold but hey that’s Scarborough in March for you.

The heating in the caravan wasn’t working so after a few phone calls this bearded man came to fix it. He fiddled around umming and arrrghing I don’t think he had a clue! So he made a few phone calls then we heard him say “ah fixed it”! He was stood with a grin a mile wide hmmmm!

Friday night we went into Scarborough I don’t honestly think I have ever been as cold as I was. The wind ripped through every layer of clothing I had on and believe me I had quiet a few layers.

We went into a café and paid £10 for fish, chips and pea’s and a coke………£10! Day light bloody robbery. The fish wasn’t even that good!

After that we drove over to the North bay where we sat and watched the wild sea – the waves were huge – I opened the window and breathed very deeply (for my little gran – she lived in Scarborough for many years and loved nothing better than the stormy nights) it was bracing but absolutely brilliant.

I love the sea – I adore the sea – I realised as I sat there I want to live by the sea – but I’d have to have a sea view and a bloody strong pair of binoculars!!!!

The sea makes me feel alive – it makes my blood pound in my ears – I want to store its energy in a bottle and every time I’m feeling down I could open it and feel alive again.

Anyway – we stayed in the caravan for the rest of the evening – oh my fucking goodness…..at one point we were ready to evacuate it – never in my life have I been that scared of the wind. The whole caravan was rocking from side to side the paper thin walls were bowing and the windows kept blowing in and then getting sucked back out again.

It truly was terrifying. We stood in the kitchen debating what to do and decided if it got any worse we’d head for the reception and stay there. We got into bed and it started to hail – noise was worse than the actual amount of hail but with the wind blowing it made a pretty horrendous noise!

We must have slept some of the night – but I kept looking out thinking if the aerial blows down we are out of here but it didn’t – I woke up again to another hail storm and that time decided to just get up – needless to say I am very tired – two nights without much sleep only serves to make me ratty as hell.

I will continue this tomorrow as I can hardly keep my blood shot eyes open!

I’ve had a good weekend – I managed to put a few ghosts to rest finally and I’ve realised quiet a lot about myself but that’s all for another day!

If there was ever a song that summed up how I was feeling right now it's this

Well I got up this morning feeling determined but as the day progressed the worse I’ve seemed to feel.

So what brought around my worstness?

Well first of all I had a phone call from J all excited – S (the widower) texted her and asked if he was ok to go around tonight. (Envy is not a nice trait – envy is not a nice trait)

Then I got a message of L on facebook saying her and S are going to a singles thing tomorrow night.

Then B shouted at me for no reason – can’t even remember what she said now it was so insignificant but it hurt at the time.

Then I got a email off C – she has arranged for a ‘medium’ to go to her house next week – she asked if I wanted to go. I replied “no thanks”

I suppose it must sound a bit odd coming from me – who would give anything to hear that K was ok – or that he said I should do this or that but to tell the truth I just can’t bring myself to even think about going – the whole idea totally freaks me out.

The very last time I ever went to a spiritualist was with a group of women from where I used to live.

We did it as a bit of a laugh but it all turned a bit serious when the woman who was giving the reading said to my friend that a “nasty man – an abusive man” had come to her and she wanted rid of him. A few weeks later we had our tarot cards read and she turned over the ‘death’ card – now I know it is meant to mean new beginnings but 1 year later that woman – my best friend Jayne died.

So that’s why I won’t go. My heart couldn’t stand it.

Anyway you’d think I’d be happy as I am going away tomorrow but I don’t.

H realised the problem this morning and she was really sweet with me – we are going away to where me & K spent his last day on earth. I’ve only been back once and that was on his anniversary last year – I threw a white rose into the sea – and I found my very first white feather. It was a sad day and I don’t know if I can move away from the sadness I now associate with the place! It’s hardly fair of me to spoil the weekend by being sad because of where I am – Me & K had such a wonderful day and one of the very last things he said to me before he died was “I’ve had a lovely day – a really lovely day” and he squeezed my hand.

Minutes later he was gone.

So I’ll have to be brave tomorrow and put on my ‘happy mask’ and hope against hope that I am doing the right thing.

Why is it that when you think things can’t get worse – they do?

The electric board want £234 off me……For fuck sake how can they get away with charging so much?

I wouldn’t care but I don’t have anything turned on or on stand by – I unplug everything that isn’t used. I’ve hardly had my heating on all winter – I go down to B’s cos I’m freezing and she will at least have her heating on.

I am trying desperately hard not to go down the root of putting my house up for sale but I can’t see any other way out of this mess.

Even with a job I won’t earn enough to pay for everything – I just don’t know which way to turn.

It’s not as if I could sell it over night – I’ve got to find £300 for a seller’s pack – that’s laughable – where can I get that sort of money from?

My car needs MOTing – I’ve got a £90 water bill sat on the table that needs paying – J is expecting me to go away with her but how can I do that when I need the money for other things? I know she isn’t expecting any money from me – but I can’t not give her any!

I just want to quietly crawl away until it’s all over. I can’t be cheerful anymore – I can’t keep going like this. It’s making me feel ill. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have a headache – I just feel so sick all the time – not eating properly not sleeping properly – just fretting over bloody money!

I keep willing them to ring me about this job but do you know what? It won’t even scratch the surface of what I need to keep everything going. I suppose that’s why I’ve not been motivated enough to look. What’s the bloody point in slogging my guts out for no reward?

I had such huge dreams before K died – our little photography studio – its not fair that I was left behind with nothing.

I said to B this morning – through gushing tears that little GS touched which made me even sadder – since he died the most expensive thing I’ve bought is a £30 cardigan at Christmas – the pittance that I had from his work has gone on food and bills & my mortgage. I used to buy clothes of Ebay but I can't even do that now!

I watch other widows who’ve had their mortgages paid off and huge lump sums left flying off on exotic holidays ‘to get over the loss’ I’ve been as far a London last March for a weekend and dog sat for my brother whilst he swanned off to Spain for a week last summer (that’s how I got to Brighton – my sister took me) – oh I almost forgot – my weekend in centreparcs – where I hardly spent a penny except £35 on a spa.

So I’ve not been extravagant – I’ve not done anything out of the ordinary – I’ve been trapped in a financial hell – I’ve only just recently felt like living again – but today I’m left thinking “what the fuck is the point?”

Reality consists of the experiences we believe are real.
What is real may or may not be the same for everyone

I’ve been on a mission (of sorts)

I’m now the proud owner of a Nokia N95 but I’ve really no idea how to use it!

H & I went off to the shopping centre last night and with seconds to spare before they closed the shop I chose that one because the didn’t have the pink one with the free bottle of champagne – just my luck hey!

Still not to complain I’ve got an expensive phone for nothing – can’t pay the bills but at least my phone is now up to date

My job application form is filled in and successfully sent………….fingers crossed.

I’ve started to cautiously send emails to the bloke I rather like – he mailed me first – I spoke to J at great length about it before I wrote back as I would hate to cause an awkward situation within our little group – she said she felt the same about the fella she likes so we are both going to go slow and see what happens.

I’m now ready too for my weekend away – I thought I had about two weeks to go but my mum said to me “Easter is this weekend”!

A bit flummoxed I said “what?”

She said “Easter is this weekend – Good Friday is this Friday”

Totally panic stricken I phoned up J – who confirmed we are going away this Friday…………

I’m looking forward to it but the weather forecast sounds dire so I’ll be packing my thermal knickers and hot water bottle!

Me, K & the girls once went to Great Yarmouth at Easter – it snowed – it hailed – it sleeted – it was bloody fucking freezing – so anything warm including a pair of bed socks is coming with me.

Right I’m off to see my grandbabies – I’ve not seen them for a week (except Saturday morning when I treated little GS to a McFlurry)  as the ‘controller’ has been off work.

Good news

I am so excited – I’ve just stumbled across a job which will suit me down to the ground. H is going to help me fill in the online application when she gets home – the pay is prefect and the hours brilliant and what’s even better is after 3-6 months training I can work from home – which will allow H to go back to work & I can look after Tidgy.

I know I can do this job standing on my head and I can’t see anyone reason why I shouldn’t be able to get it. Fingers crossed – I am so excited…………….

Bad news

Earlier this afternoon my mobile phone slipped out of my hand and landed up in a glass of coke and it’s now completely fucked – good news is I am allowed a new phone so besides having to redo all my numbers I should be back on it by this evening!

Last week I entered an on line competition to win “double glazing” I’ve said before how bad my windows are and believing that the cosmos intervened and those windows would be mine I entered it.

I was pleased but a bit perturbed when a few days later I got a phone call from them saying I was one of ten people to have been selected to go further in the draw (which takes place this week) to progress further someone has to come out and I’ve got to pick the widows I want and they give me a quote………Ok that’s the iffy bit.

So I booked an appointment for this morning – how stupid am I?

So this morning my phone rings – I confirm my name and address and she tell me I must remember this number as it is my discount number – so I say there is no point in giving me it as I have absolutely no intention of buying the windows as I can’t afford to replace them – she sighed – so I explained about the competition and explained very carefully what had happened – I then said I don’t know who’s time is going to be more wasted – she asked if I was planning on replacing them in the next 18 months – to which I replied “absolutely not”.

So with a mumble and a groan in her voice she said she would check all this out and ring me back – now the ‘salesman’ is due in 15 minutes and she hasn’t rung back – of course I will not sign anything.

I am so annoyed at myself for being dragged into this.

Wonder what will happen now?

Wonder now if I will win them

When will it be my turn?

Why is it that on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday and Sunday night I can just about cope with the loneliness but make that a Saturday night and I want to run screaming up the street out of sheer and utter boredom?

I’m sat watching Spongebob – now although I adore him there has to be more to life than this!

I’ve looked into every thing everyone has kindly suggested but all these organisation cost money to join – money I’ve just not got.

What’s making tonight even worse is knowing J is up the road entertaining – her old friends have gone round for a meal and a new widower we met is also there. I’m not bothered that I’m not – just wish it was me doing the entertaining.

I used to love cooking – even though I’m not very good – I’d love to cook for someone else – not just me!

S is away – she has gone down south for the evening to see her cousin.

C is at home with her new fella – who is cooking for her. I went round this afternoon to collect my Hoover that she borrowed and he was busy preparing dinner. I felt so sad watching them – they are like an old married couple!

Then there’s me!

No one to cook for – no one to cook for me – no weekend away ……………..

Woe is me!

It’s all got to change sooner rather than later hasn’t it?

J & C haven’t paid out a fortune to organizations they’ve just met these fella’s along the way.

I feel like bloody Cinderella most of the fucking time

“Hello Fairy godmother can you hear me?

I want to go to the ball!"

For fuck sake – I didn’t even go last night and I caused a bloody stir.

Ok tell me if I am wrong:

One of the women going out last night got Scarlet Fever at the beginning of the week – all week long on her face book she was saying how ill she was but she said she wasn’t contagious – however I had read that even on antibiotics you can still be contagious for up to 10 days.

So I asked H to talk to the doctor at the Neo Natal unit just to ask advice as to whether or not I should go.

The doctor advised me not to – so I didn’t.

I didn’t find out till about an hour before I was due to leave and I didn’t have this woman’s phone number so I couldn’t let her know.

Anyway later on there was a new message on her face book saying “I am not CONTAGIOUS – I AM NOT A LEPER – STOP TAKING THE PISS”

So I sent a message asking if that comment had been directed at me, I said if God himself told me she was ok I would have still gone on the advice given to me by NN

She said that everyone had taken the piss out of her all night and it wasn’t funny ……..& she was annoyed I hadn’t told her.

So I explained that I didn’t find out till late and didn’t have her number, I also said that I couldn’t be held responsible for what other people said to her. I also said that I took the decision not to go as I knew she would have had to have arranged a babysitter & I couldn’t expect her not to go just because I didn’t want to put Tidgy at risk.

Still she went on and on about things that I know nothing about so in the end I said “can we just leave it here as this has nothing to do with me” she agreed and that is where it was left.

I spoke to J last night and she said that she hadn’t noticed anyone taking the piss out of her – L said the same but S said they had taken the micky a little but not to the extent she had said.

Now when I mentioned to this woman that I was going to be asking questions she said to me “no don’t” so was she fibbing and exaggerating?

Anyway that is not the point.

Point is did I do the right thing?

I never imagined for one second my refusal to put Tidgy at risk would cause this bloody controversy …………

I’m bloody bored and bloody fed up.

I was supposed to be going out tonight and I was really looking forward to it – however one of the women going has been seriously ill this week with Scarlet fever – I know it’s not supposed to be contagious after taking antibiotics but I couldn’t take the risk.

Tidgy is far more important than a night out – I know I could pick up any old germs in any old place but as I was aware of it I just couldn’t go. H talked to the doctor about it and he advized not to go if I could help it - which I could.

She’s not had it a week and I read even with antibiotics it can take up to 10 days before you are in the all clear!

So here I am feeling pretty pissed off – I’ve had a really shitty fucking day and was looking forward to some good food and good company. I’ve not eaten a proper meal this week!

Oh well such is life! Maybe for what ever reason I wasn’t meant to go tonight …..

I haven’t been able to stop my self from crying all morning.

Holly’s Ex’s family and friends will all be gathered in church as I write this, and my heart is utterly breaking for them.

I know how much his mum worshiped him – I know how much they all tried to help him.

No one realises do they how much it hurts – unless you’ve been there yourself.

It doesn’t matter what kind of service you have ‘a celebration of life’ or a old fashioned funeral – it’s supposed to be where you say your final goodbyes – but you can’t say goodbye because part of you doesn’t believe it. It doesn’t become ‘real’ for a long time.

I still wish sometimes that K would come and get me – take me with him – I still can’t understand why I am here and he isn’t. I just don’t get why we couldn’t go together.

It hurts every single day – he knew I wouldn’t cope – he knew I was hopeless so why leave me? Why weren’t we killed in a car crash together?”

Why did his body become so ill?

Why did N (the ex) feel he had nowhere to turn?

Why are his family and friends now sat in a cold bloody church listening to a vicar talking about a god that can’t possibly exist?

Why did I have a church service? In my case I thought we had to have one so he could be buried I didn’t realise I could have had a humanist service! In N’s case his mum and dad are very religious but how can they be?

How can anyone believe in such a cruel bastard that takes young lives?

I was thinking back to K’s funeral – I remember standing in the kitchen begging my mum to stay home with me – I didn’t want to go – there was a hearse outside my house – there was a coffin in that big black ugly car – there was my husband inside that coffin. He shouldn’t have been in there – like N shouldn’t be in his today – like all the others who are having funerals today.

Why give us life only to take it away again? Why make rich and poor if we are supposed to be here to enjoy living? How can you enjoy living if you are ill or depressed or like me stony broke?

I can’t enjoy my life – I can’t afford to live – so what’s the point?

All my married life we struggled but we managed cos we had each other.

I just hope that one day N’s parents and brother find some kind of peace in their hearts – I’ve not achieved that yet and I’m not sure I ever will – I just hope they are stronger than me.

Just over the road from my house used to be steel works – they pulled it all down last year and are now building houses on the land.

I swear if the bloody digger wakes me up tomorrow morning I am going to throttle its driver!

It’s clanked and crashed around all bloody day!

Well I’ve been extra busy the last few days – J did my hair for me yesterday morning – it really boosted my confidence – we had a really good old natter too which was lovely – she has been such a good friend to me – it really will break my heart when she moves – she’s got to sell her house yet so hopefully it won’t be for ages.

C is moving away in the next few weeks too – she is going to the other side of Huddersfield so hopefully we will still meet up.

Everyone seems to be moving – not just house but on with their lives. I said to J yesterday “I’m stuck in a rut – if I could afford a life coach I would as I’m not depressed or in need of therapy but I could do with someone to motivate me – help me see the way forward – can you get life coaches on the NHS?

I went to see Tidgy GD with H again last night – she is still the same but she now weighs 3lb 11oz.

We didn’t get home till about 9pm – by the time I had something to eat and sat down its bedtime!

I was in bed and asleep by 12am!

Then up at 7 with that bloody digger!

Then I got a text from S who asked if it was alright to come over this afternoon – so we ended up having coffee with J as well. It was really nice. S isn’t in a good place right now so I hope it did her good to sit and chat – we all got to saying how wonderful it has been to find such lovely friends through our widows group and it is true – when K died I had NO one except my girls – all my friends drifted off into the middle distance so it’s been good for me to meet new people.

J said today how weird it is that our husbands will never know our new friends – I’ve thought that for such a long time. – K knows no one I know now. Mind you knowing the type of person he was he wouldn’t be happy that I’d made new friends he would have seen them as a threat! They would lead me astray and I’d find someone else and leave him!!!! So I am enjoying my friendships but I am enjoying not having to worry about what he would say and think even more!

I just read this on the BBC news site

As of January this year there were 34,700 people in the UK with a licence for black and white television - dwarfed by the 25 million colour licence holders. But who is watching in monochrome?

34,700?

Blimey what a day – I’ve not stopped since I got up.

I made some guacamole first thing as C had invited me and J & S for lunch. We had chicken wraps and dips and tortilla’s covered in cheese – yummmmm

We had a really good catch up and it was BRILLIANT cos we never mention our dead husbands all lunch time – we talked about everything but.

We all left about 2 and went our separate ways.

C lives near to the grave yard so I called in on my way home – I need to get him some new flowers!

I found out yesterday about H’s ex – I’m not going to go into graphic details but his sister in law found him and the funeral is on Friday. There was a reason and it’s called the CS fucking A who have been on his back for the best part of 8 years ….

It’s fucking disgraceful that they can hound someone to their grave.

I’m still upset over his death and I’m just glad right now that I don’t know anyone who works for the CSA ……..

Anyway I then went to see my Tidgy Granddaughter – she is still having breathing problems but until her little lungs grow I suppose that’s going to be the case. She really is as cute as can be – she now weighs 3lb 8oz.  I got to touch her little arm tonight – I wanted to cry – she’s just so tiny and delicate but she has the most amazing deep blues eyes – just like her cousin Tiny GD.

We didn’t get home till just before 9 and I had to make some phone calls.

Then I got something to eat and before I knew it – it was now! (23.25)

I am having my hair coloured tomorrow – J is doing it for me as a confidence booster for Friday night! I’m looking forward to her doing it – I’ve not done much girly stuff for a long old while.

Right I’m off to bed. I’m shattered and not looking forward to the howling gales they’ve promised us over night – just hope they are wrong and it doesn’t bloody snow.

It was dreadful tonight coming back across the Pennines – the car was blowing like mad.

Night night xx

I’ve been giving this blog some serious thought since yesterday - actually I’ve probably been doing it for longer.

I keep wondering what I am getting out of it now.

When I look back at posts they seem so cluttered – like my head – so I think it’s time for a change. I’m going to try and stay on subject and probably not write so often – or at least I am going to try.

So today I want to write about dating.

I’ve not had a date since September 1980.

I wouldn’t know how to have a date – how fucking scary is the thought of meeting someone and actually going out with them? I’m ok in a group – but I can not imagine a 1-2-1 situation.

I went to J’s last night – we had a glass or two of wine and sat down at her computer and went through various different dating sites. There were one or two blokes who looked nice but not one of them wanted to date anyone over 35 – J reckoned this was because they probably want marriage and children.

L wrote to me last week to tell me about her speed dating experience – she wasn’t happy with it.

I dunno – somehow these things don’t seem natural – speed dating is different and I can imagine it being fun – but looking through web site after web site of photos of men is almost like looking through the Argos catalogue for a new tea set.

Every time I log onto one of the widows forums just recently there is a new post every day about ‘dating’ I just sit back and think “what would anyone see in me?” I don’t even feel fucking feminine anymore – I don’t feel sexy or appealing – can’t remember the last time I looked in a mirror without feeling disgusted – so if the old saying is true “you’ve got to feel good about yourself” blah blah fucking blah I’ve got no chance.

Then I question what it is I really want & I have NO idea. I think a date is sometimes the last thing I want – I never want to go through what I went through with K – am I looking for someone just to keep me company – that wouldn’t be fair would it?

Oh fuck why is it all so damn bloody difficult?

Maybe I talk myself into not wanting anyone else because I think no one would ever want me and if I don’t try then I don’t get rejected – then I think I’ve loads more important stuff to worry about – if I can’t support myself then what’s the point in even thinking about a relationship.

Oh my heads done in now – think I’m off to climb back into bed!

I know I am a dreamer BUT:

I’ve been busy in the garden this morning – I’m no great fan of gardening but things needed to be done and whilst the sun was shining and I had nothing better to do I got stuck in. Whilst out there, I was feeling damn sorry for myself.

Since my Gran died 5 years ago this November – nothing has gone right. Nothings been good. I’ve just seemed to leap from one lot of heart ache to the next – I know I’m not the only person in the world that bad things happen too – I know I am lucky to have a house to live in and clean water to drink and that my whole family hasn’t been wiped out in one go but I’ve been through my share of sadness just differently to others is all.

I can’t help the fact that I don’t live in a 3^rd world country where life would be one hell of a lot tougher.

Anyway as I was picking up the leaves from my palm tree – jeepers there were loads – I got to thinking about moving away again.

So the biggest question I ask myself is:

Am I running away?

Second question:

Would everything bad just follow me?

Third question:

Could I leave my Grandbabies behind?

I can answer the last question – NO. I couldn’t but I know I can’t stay here anymore.

I just can’t and what’s more I don’t want to.  I do not want to live here anymore.

No I’m not running away cos I know the pain of losing not only K but everyone else will always be in my heart – but – I need a new fresh start. I can’t do that here.

I want to get up on a morning and feel alive – free from everything. I want to meet new people – I want to paint and take photographs and enjoy my surroundings – not look out of my window into other peoples!  I want to live somewhere where I don’t have to rely on the car – where I can shop in quaint markets and buy fresh food – not supermarket packaged things – I want a little wooden basket!

To achieve this dream I need to move abroad – I’ve wanted to for a very long time – I’ve just never said it out loud.

But then I get back to question NO:3……could I leave my grandbabies and daughters? No I couldn’t ….. so what do I do? I’m stuck in a life I want to drastically change in a place I hate but I can’t move because I’d leave the only people left to love behind.

I made so many sacrifices when K was alive and it looks like I am just here on this earth to keep on making them!

I know that no matter how hard I try I am never ever going to be happy here ………..I need a sign – I need something to happen to show me what path I need to take – yep the girls and the babies could come on holidays but I need more than that after all they are all I’ve got in the world now.

I just want to be FREE.

I am so glad yesterday turned into to today. It was the most horrid day – I don’t know what was wrong with everyone.

Tidgy GD was having breathing problems and that was just the start.

I got up feeling pretty positive then my day bit by bit fell apart.

I met B in town to take our Saturday stroll to the market – Little GS was in a really grumpy mood & B wasn’t far behind (Tiny GD was fast asleep but woke up with her wicked smile just before I left them)

When I got home I went on my Rose Quarts search and felt much better for finding it but when H & D left to go and see Tidgy I decided I would go into town & have a mooch (the town next to mine cos it’s bigger with lots more shops)

I called in on J before I went – her son was 10 yesterday so I took him a card and a promise to get him something he wanted and liked for a present when we go away in two weeks time.

J was really upset – she was heartbroken that her husband wasn’t there for his birthday – I tried to reassure her she was doing a brilliant job with them even though I knew how my words were falling on deaf ears. We talked about the unfairness of being widowed and what we miss the most – we talked about the unfairness of being left behind to cope & we decided we needed to get out more and enjoy our lives a little more.

Then I went to the other town but I got stuck in a massive traffic jam that didn’t move for almost 30 minutes so I gave up and came home.

Last week I took off a signet ring that had been left to me by K’s grandma – just to prove to myself I was looking forward – after losing Rose I thought I’d better put it away for safe keeping. I wanted it to go with our wedding rings which are in a box in the treasure chest.

WHY? Why did I open that box at that time? I touched everything in there – I read the condolence cards with huge tears trickling down my face. His sun glasses – he used to wear them all the time to stop the sun from making him squint. His gloves – his hands used to get so cold. His daft baseball caps that he loved to wear – his medical card …………….all the things I placed in there with such loving care.

Then not more than half an hour later I find out that N had died. I couldn’t sleep last night for tossing and turning worrying about his mum and feeling very sad that he had died. I think I’m still in shock over it today.

Later on I had a look at my face book and S had left a message saying she felt sad, so I texted her and she was having a bad day too – she too doesn’t want to be a widow – left behind with just memories and tears …………….we had a long chat but I don’t think either of us felt any better for it.

The common question we all ask is when does the pain ever go? Yep we carry on – we even feel happy at times but there is always this background pain – this background longing for what none of us can have. The gnawing unfairness of lives cut so short.

When I woke up this morning I opened my curtains and the sun was shining in a beautiful blue sky – I sighed resignedly and got up ……………………

Before H got together with D she was seeing a lad called N.

They were together for about 5 years. She was 15 when she met him and he was older – much older (but didn’t look it) we didn’t find out the age difference till she was 16 – by then they had been together for a good few months so we left them too it.

A few years into their relationship he bought a house and together they gutted it and rebuilt it – working on it every hour they could. They really did a good job too.

They split up about 2 months after they moved in – lots of different reasons meant they couldn’t work it out and she moved home.

I was in asda the night she phoned me yelling “bring the mondeo I am coming home”

They tried a few times to work it out but in the end it was over.

N had a friend called D – so when D knocked on my door earlier this afternoon asking if H was home with a terribly worried look on his face I wondered what on earth was wrong.

N committed suicide by hanging on Thursday night – he was only found this afternoon.

D thought H needed to know.

To say I was shocked (and still am) is the understatement of the year. I liked N – he was a nice bloke who loved his roast dinners – he was part of our family for 5 years – I could never say a bad word against him – unlike H who said plenty.

I cried on the phone to my mum – knowing I’ll have to hide any emotion from H – I just can’t understand suicide – I just can’t. He was a lovely looking lad – he worked hard – he also had a daughter to a previous relationship – she must be about 9 or 10 by now.

Why do people take their own lives? He was only 33 – I am so cut up I can’t explain it.

H said he did it that way because another friend of theirs did it that way – what is wrong with our world when people feel there is no other option than to take their own lives?

I just feel for his parents and his brother and his daughter. My heart aches for them all. Why oh why do people do it?

A few weeks ago I was introduced to a piece of Rose Quarts – the woman I bought it from told me it would help me sleep if I kept it near my bed.

I left it on my bedside cabinet not thinking much more about it.

Then I had a conversation with C about healing crystals – telling her which ones I had – for stress and unhappiness – then I told her about my Rose – she said to me

“You have warmed it up haven’t you?”

“Huh?”

“You need to hold it in your hand and warm it up so it will send out its energy”

“Ok” said I…..

That night I went to bed and held all my crystals – releasing their energy seemed a good idea.

I was surprised at how warm the Rose Quarts got in my hand.

Anyway……………….

Night after night I’ve held my Rose and I have had the best nights sleep I’ve ever had – ok so it might well all be in my mind but at least I am sleeping a full night for the first time in my WHOLE life.

3 days ago I lost her – Rose had vanished. Since then I have searched my bedroom inside out and outside in……..I’ve had H looking – we both searched last night but nope Rose had completely vanished!

I have looked at different ones on various web sites and was just about to go into Leeds to see if this shop where you can buy josh sticks and Buddha’s and little crystals was open – it opens randomly – but I thought the trip would be worth it….

Deep inside though I knew I had to find it – a 2inch piece of crystal doesn’t just vanish – so I went upstairs and moved my bed (again) nothing there……I moved the locker, nothing there, I took all the draws out and emptied them on my bed …..nothing there (I did however find a brand new pair of knickers I don’t even remember buying) So I went to the washing basket ……..nothing there…….H came though and said

“Mother what the hell are you doing”

“Looking for my crystal” I half cried back “it has to be here somewhere”

Then I thought I would change the bedding – I lifted up the mattress to tuck the sheet in and there between the wooden slats of my bed on the opposite side to where I sleep was my Rose …………….how the fuck did it end up there?

Now I don’t need to go to Leeds so I’m back to being bored! Half wish I hadn’t found it but I’m secretly very glad I did!

After reading another post on here & finishing the book I was reading (can’t wait to get to heaven – it isn’t a morbid book it’s well written and funny at times) it got me to thinking – what is life all about?

For the past two years my life seems to have been on hold. My grief was so strong that it consumed every fibre of my being. I didn’t want to live for a very long time after he died – I had no place in the world without him. Morning noon and night he was my overriding concern – his health was my problem to deal with – his care was mine to undertake – for 15 years his illness was our lives – daily battles with different things – dialysis – operations – hospital appointment and stays were our norm!

Then he died. In a split second the whole reason for my existence was gone. My job was over and it was a job I’ll never have anyone tell me different. It was hard work and stressful and demoralising – a thankless task – compounded by his refusal to see it that way. He never thanked me for saving his life on so many occasions – but should he have done?

I wish he had – I wish with all my heart he had told me just once that he appreciated me putting my life on hold to look after him.

I felt so guilty when he died – I felt I had let him down – I felt that I must have missed something that shouldn’t have gone unnoticed – everyone – the coroner – my GP – my friends and family all said there was nothing I could have done to prevent it – but still in the back of my mind I wonder if I did miss something.

However I am getting side tracked – I wanted to write about living my life.

I’ve been so wrapped up in grief that I again put my life on hold – but not anymore – there are places I want to go and things I want to do and I am going to endeavour to do them.

I don’t want to die with regrets – not regrets of the heart - regrets of fearing to live.

don't watch this!

Brought a smile to my face

I am really pleased with myself today – lots of my photos have been picked to be used at our widow groups AGM.

Way to go me hey!

They are group shots of us all at various outings but I was really chuffed when she wrote back and said they were brilliant did I have any more! So I sent a few more – didn’t want to bombard her in box with 50 photos!

It boosted my confidence a lot & I realised the next time I go out I need to take the camera with me as you never know when the photos might come in handy

Well I’ve had a mixed day so far. I woke up feeling ok – took H to the doctors to get her blood pressure checked and then we went to the graveyard. I didn’t cry!

When I got home there was a knock on my door and it was J – she handed me an envelope and inside was a ‘thinking of you’ card and a little book with inspirational sayings in it. I did cry! J is so thoughtful – she puts me to shame with her kindness – I really don’t want her to move away but I fully understand and support her reasons for wanting to go – I try to put myself in her shoes and I wouldn’t be happy that my husbands murderer will be out walking the streets of our town just over 2 years later….Its disgusting he didn’t get longer!

Then I sat for a while and just read my book ‘Can’t wait to get to heaven’ it’s a really good book and I would recommend this one to anyone.

Then I got restless so did some bits and bobs – then I went to see B & the babies. I do love spending time with them – if I’m ever low I know they will all cheer me up – bless them all.

So in a few hours time my 2^nd anniversary without K will be over – I can honestly say it’s not been as bad this year – yes my heart ached as I lay new flowers this morning – thinking what ‘should have been’ but part of me was also thinking ‘it’s never going to be’ no matter how hard I wish it could be.

Wishing k back from the dead is one thing the cosmos can not deliver me – so on I plod to his 2^nd year anniversary.

I looked at the headstone this morning and just whispered “show me the way” wonder if he heard me?

Tomorrow should have been (or still is) my 26^th wedding anniversary.

I remember those two days as clear as anything – we got married officially in a German registry office at exactly 12pm Friday 5^th March 1982.

I wasn’t sure all the way there if I was doing the right thing after all I was only 18.

He looked stunning in his grey suit, his hair so blonde and eyes so blue and a big grin – I knew the minute I saw him I wanted to be his wife.

After we were married he took me to our favourite restaurant and left all the family behind. It was OUR day.

Saturday saw us in church – St Boniface – me clad from head to toe in white to appease my mum who was upset at me having to get married in a registry office. I’d have been happy with one wedding but no I had to have a church blessing too……….where all the family were invited. Despite not wanting it, it was the best day of my life – we had an amazing party & even now family still mention it.

Who would have thought that 26 years later I wouldn’t be celebrating but laying flowers on his grave?

Last year we’d booked a hotel for another party to celebrate our 25^th – it was also my sister 40^th on the same day – it broke my heart to cancel it.

I woke up this morning thinking oh shit I’ve forgotten my sister’s birthday – not one bit like last year when I just constantly cried at what should have been. Lucky enough last year I went down to my sisters for her birthday – it helped a little – but this year I will face the day alone with my memories.

I know I am fortunate to have had him in my life for those 26 years but I realised this morning I could live long past other 26 years without him. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life – but I shouldn’t be greedy – I know there are people out there who’ve never been loved the way I was – but looking ahead that far scared me today.

Almost 2 years down this long and rocky path – I still miss him with all my heart – learning to live without him – learning to trust myself and my own decisions has been really hard – when he died I thought it was also the end of my life – but I’ve managed somehow – I can’t really believe in two months time he will have been dead and gone 2 whole years.

So tomorrow I am going to sit and remember all the good times we had together and not the pain I’ve felt since the day he died. He was a good soul and deserves to be remembered with a smile and laugh.

I am not going to cry – I am not going to cry – I am not going to cry!

See I didn’t cry YET!

ARGH why does it feel like the world pushes against me? What did I do wrong? I’m sometimes really glad I’ve never had regression therapy – I bet I was a real evil so & so!

Ok so here I am sat looking at job sites again (Yawn I’m almost bored of looking) and I thought “wonder if the ambulance service have any jobs answering the phones” I could do that easy peasy – my very first job was as a switchboard operator over in Germany and I had a couple of short term part time jobs selling double glazing over the phone……so I know I’m capable of doing it.

Got to the web site looked for vacancies and low and behold they are needing someone to take calls:

 Part-time hours, various shift patterns available. We are currently recruiting Call Operators for our Access and Response GP Out-of-Hours Communications Centre in York. You will be the first point of contact for callers including patients, patients’ relatives, and healthcare professionals. Using the computer support system you will take accurate details of callers’ requirements for out-of-hours clinical assistance  

I could do that standing on my head – so why aren’t I rushing to apply? It’s in bloody YORK! ARGHHHHHH

Honestly it is really getting me down now – everything I find is too far away – why? Why can’t I find similar jobs less than 1 hours drive from home – I do not want to travel for over an hour – the price of petrol wouldn’t make it worth it with part time hours!

Maybe I should apply and see if the wages would cover the rental of a flat? Then I go to rightmove and the cost of renting in York is way out of my league!

Busy day!

Spent time with B and the babies – they’d had a lovely time on their last minute weekend break. Apparently Little GS loved the penguins so much he wanted to join them and tried to climb over the fence to join them – I’d love to have seen him.

H & D have borrowed my car again – so I’ve been stuck in all afternoon catching up on the usual crap – but it’s kept me busy.

I’ve been thinking all day about removing my eternity ring. I had a conversation with J & S the other night about moving forward with our lives and whether acceptance of this meant we had to remove our rings.

So all day I’ve worn it on my right hand – it feels way too odd over there so I moved it back.

S reckons that wearing your ring on nights out when you want to pull will only attract the wrong kind of person – someone who thinks you are married so is only after a one night stand and who probably doesn’t respect you – so if a man who does respect you looks at your wedding ring (or eternity in my case) he won’t come near you cos he will know to stay away – so you might end up not attracting someone who is available and wants more than a quick shag.

One day I’ll be brave enough to take it off and leave it off – but it kind of gives me a bit of security at the moment…..maybe I do just want a quick shag not a long term relationship? I guess deep down I just want to be loved again.

I just got home from B’s to find a half naked Barbie doll outside my back door wtf?

Blimey I don’t see to have stopped since yesterday dinner time.

Last night was ok I suppose the food was manky (& bloody expensive) but the company was great and Zorba the Greek entertained me with his dancing and plate smashing.

I went with my friend S as J couldn’t get a babysitter so we called in on her on the way home – think we left just after one.

H made me laugh as I got a text message saying “thought you were only going to be half an hour – where are you?”

Whilst at J’s she asked me if I wanted to join her and another woman for dinner up at the carvery today so I did. We had a really lovely lunch – I had turkey and beef and Yorkshire pud and veg – then a huge wedge of chocolate fudge cake – got to admit I was so stuffed I could hardly move but I really did have a nice time.

I got home and put some washing on – not daring to sit still cos I knew I’d have to sleep if I did haha! Next thing I know D’s dad rang me to ask if I wanted to go see Tidgy. So I got redressed (out of my scruffs) and was grateful I’d done my hair and make up (hate looking like a tramp if I am going to somewhere other than the supermarket) and off we went to see Tidgy.

She got weighed today she is now 2lb 13oz………..Awwwwww!

He’s a really nice bloke D’s dad – very quiet – well compared to me who chatters 90 to the dozen – but he’s friendly enough. I sometime wonder if he’s thinking “for god sake woman shut up” cos I natter on about all sorts.

So now I’m home and got the washing sorted – just one more load to do!

I’ve had an absolutely lovely weekend – talked about all sorts of different things with so many different people – guess I am finally beginning to make a life just for me.

I almost forgot

(Going to write this then nip into town for a new top for tonight – I’m really getting the hang of this ‘widowed vixen’ bit Amanda )

I was talking to my mum last night and she was telling me a really strange tale – which was even spookier after the cat brought home part of Arch Angel Gabrielle the night before last.

So this is how she told the story.

“I was lying in bed reading my book when I looked up at the bedroom door – now I’m not joking Katie and I’m not lying – your dad thinks I’ve gone mad but I swear it happen”

“Ok mum what happened”

“Well as I said I was reading – looked up and a shiny dove flew through the closed door.  It was really bright and had a halo around it”

“What time did this happen mum?”

“It must have been about midnight”

“Oh my god” I gasped

That was around about the same time as Gabrielle made his appearance in the cats mouth

Now isn’t that spooky!

I had an absolutely brilliant night last night – what a difference it made not having to talk about death. I did feel a tad guilty cos I think K only came up in conversation twice – then I got thoughts like “I’m forgetting him” to which I was really stern with myself and told myself not to be so stupid………..As if?

I met some really nice people – none I fancied but hey ho………….

So bring on round two tonight – saying that I’m shattered hahahaha didn’t get into bed till after 4am.

I feel such a sense of freedom sometimes – which makes me feel guilty but I love it. I don’t have to worry about what time I come home – I don’t have to worry that he will be sat in the dark “assessing our relationship” I know he only did it cos he was terrified I’d ‘find someone else’ but it wasn’t fair on me.

I never thought I’d say it but it’s nice not to have to worry about his reaction to things anymore.

In the beginning I used to feel so guilty and so sad that he wasn’t there when I got home but I don’t now – so that must be progress.