Ok I am obviously missing something on the job hunting/cv thing but for the life in me I can’t see where I am going wrong.

I am a GPO trained telephonist – I worked – admittedly a lot of years ago on the busiest switchboard in Europe – I trained people to work on that switchboard too.

Then I worked as a telephone sales person – a receptionist – and unpaid work on two different radio shows as producer/presenter. I've interviewed people in the street - our local MP - all kinds of differnent people from different walks of life. I even interviewed a local poet  (Ian McMillan)as he was on the move on a train, I'm not frightened of people or talking to them - is the point I am trying to make.

I’ve got 7 O levels – an open learning community media certificate which is the equivalent to 2 A levels – I’ve got two city in guilds qualifications one for colour photography and one for black and white – I’ve got a national diploma in photography – which is equivalent to 3 A levels – I’ve got a computer studies qualification – what the fuck more do I need?

I’ve written in the HOBBIES bit that I write and sell poetry – friends ask for poems to be written for special occasions – so I gather back ground info then write poems that mean something to them and they buy them. I was also told to write (by my brother) that I’ve written 4 novels – he says it shows commitment and another word I can’t remember.

I just don’t know where I am going wrong. I would employ me – are they just looking at my total lack of working experience even though I’ve got qualifications – if they are I can NEVER rectify that – I was a carer who studied, I can’t do a thing to change that besides lie and I don’t do lying.

I’m so obviously going wrong somewhere right at the beginning but I don’t understand where.

Any idea’s – I’ve added everything I can think of – my CV has been looked at by everyone I know – bits have been added or taken away.

Oh this is so bloody frustrating – I’m not looking at becoming the director of some massive big company – I’m applying for telesales jobs- reception kind jobs and other boring crap jobs that I know I will find tedious but I need the money – so I’ve got to try but no one has even had the fucking decency to send a letter saying – your application has been unsuccessful.

What more can I do? I genuinely need to know cos I’m baffled.

He so just amused me.

I went to get some potatoes from the supermarket and he was in the queue next to mine – he didn’t know where to put himself when he saw me – he blushed so red he looked like a lobster – so I took a deep breath and did my sweetest smile – he couldn’t pack his bag fast enough – bless!

Funny thing is I’ve not seen him in weeks and weeks – my lap top is so knackered I have to sit at the table with it so it doesn’t fall apart – so I am not often in the living room anymore.

Poor old Mr Over The Road – trouble is he really is fit and he still managed to reduce me to a horny wreck whilst buying his milk!

What a strange morning!

I woke up really early and for the first time in weeks my first thought wasn’t “oh fuck what am I going to do” it was “I’m going to change this.”

I didn’t feel sick and I got up straight away & went to the shop for a newspaper and some cigs (I wanted my copy of ‘time bandits’)

I came home made some coffee and turned the comp on – checked my emails and there was one from this widower I like. He’d been missing in action for a week so it was really good to hear from him.

He complimented me on some photos I’d put on my facebook – so that cheered me up immensely.

He said he is looking forward to the cocktail party too – I’m so glad he’s going as last night I talked to J who said her and S are going to make me look a million dollars on that night. S is going to do my make up and J is going to do my hair. They said I need a boost and they are not wrong.

So alls well for now in my world.  

PS: Oh my goodness - I'm not going to read too much into this but I just got a text message from the bloke mentioned above - he put 'luv from' on it haha! I just hope the day keeps getting better and better xx

Since melting down this morning I’ve been really busy.

I’ve managed this afternoon to encourage a widower I know to build me a web site for free – though I don’t know how much it will cost to put on the internet.

I’ve also managed to secure two family portrait jobs next week – though I’m not sure how much to charge.

I’ve also managed to talk B into letting me do some new photos of the grandbabies – I had to talk her into it as it means coming to my house – something she doesn’t do often!

I’ve also managed to talk someone into letting me take photos of their tattoos – just to show I’m versatile on my web site.

I have also secured pre wedding photos of a friend of H’s in August – I might however get H in my wedding dress outside an old church just too show off my abilities as August is ages away.

I’ve also applied for another 4 different jobs – all answering phones – I can’t think of anything more boring but at the same time I can’t go on like this. I’m thinking of positives outcomes – I’m thinking of positive outcomes!!!!!!

I thought this morning I was finally going to snap – I walked round town with B crying my eyes out much to her embarrassment – I came home and slept and woke up with a bit of determination.

I am the only one that can do this. I don’t know if it will work but I’ve got to give it a try.

I’ve ordered a copy of the Freelance Photographers Handbook apparently it is worth having …………………..

So now I am just aching for Tuesday to come better go an research pricing structures hadn’t I?

I’ve been up since six being sick – it’s stress – nothing more – I’m not sleeping again – I just keep going over it and over it and over it – why won’t anyone reply to my applications (I’ve been on this job hunt for almost 4 months)– where’s the money going to come from – how can I pay the bills – can I afford petrol this week – my car needs to be MOT’ed – the cats need worming tablets – H and D are broke (all their money & it’s not much is going on visiting tidgy) so they can’t help me out.

I daren’t put my card in the cash machine. I’ve cut my building society card up so I am not tempted to take my mortgage money out.

Money isn’t my only problem but my biggest one – I feel so trapped and scared and I don’t know who to turn too – its like I can’t do anything with out money – I can’t get a job so I can’t get any money – without it I can’t pay the bills or join in any of these groups that would give me some sort of social life. Round and round and round and round I spin.

I’ve given up everything – I am back to square one – where my life was 20 years ago with K & I can not cope with it – my head just won’t be quiet – its just nagging at me all the time – sort it out – sort it out – sort it out – BUT HOW?

I can’t make anyone give me a job – oh this is a nightmare and I just want it to end.

This is almost laughable – it’s ridiculous – I counted up the night outs I’ve had since K died its been about 15 (give or take) I’ve spent a sub total of 14 days away in 2 years – so out of almost 730 days I’ve had about 30 nights out of my house.

This is hell.

This is beyond any ones joke now – really and truly beyond all reason.

Here we go again.

J goes on her first date tonight and Mrs envious here has just been out and spent a fortune (£2.00) on chocolate – had to find a way of making myself feel better for half an hour. I am really pleased for her just very sad for me.

I’d love to be invited out – having a reason to get dressed up – feeling wanted. Mind you if J’s emotions are anything to go by – I’d be a wreck haha!

Still I’d love to be in just one of her shoes tonight ho hum.

I’ve been in touch with an old mate this week – he emailed me out of the blue – found myself ‘flirting’ via email if there is such a thing – however last night I realised how stupid I was being – pathetic and needy – so I’ve backed off 90 to the dozen.

I’m not one bit interested in him – guess it felt good to have a bit of male attention but I want it in REAL life – I’ve known this bloke for 20 years in real life but he left the area and when he came back we sort of lost touch. Regardless, there is nothing there never was never will be - so I'm better off taking 5million steps back - I don't want to give the wrong impression!

Guess I’ll just have to bank on the party I am going to in two weeks time – I’ve mentioned before that I like one of the widowers who is going so I suppose I’ll take J’s advice and get all glammed up and go for it – I’ve got nothing to loose. I need sex – I need male company – I need to be treated like a woman …………………..

Other than that I’ve still had no replies from any of my applications ….ho fucking hum!

Grandbabies are all well. I put tiny GD and little GS to bed last night (the controller is on nights)  Tiny GD was good as gold and fell asleep with not a second glance – little GS however thought it was play time – I carried him up and put him in bed – he started to cry so I snuggled him in and turned to leave with the pitter patter of little feet running after me I didn’t get as far as the door before he raced past me and ran into the bathroom – his mum got cross and put him back in bed – it fair broke my heart to hear him cry as I came down the stairs. 5 minutes later he’d stopped crying and was asleep.

I’ve been aching to put him to bed for ages so besides his tears I was really happy cos I got to do it.

Tidgy GD is ok – no real change in her – oh except they are now trying to bottle feed her – H took a video of it on the camera last night – she wasn’t one bit interested in that bottle haha!

Well I suppose I better go and do the washing up – how fucking exciting NOT!

http://www.classictraintravel.com/tours/Russia/BAM.htm

I feel like I am squeezing out every tiny bit of my inner resources to keep myself from going completely mad with boredom.

I’ve tried to so hard to find things to occupy my time but I’ve run out of things to do – I’m bored of what would normal keep me amused.

TV bores me stupid – the internet is boring me stupid – I’ve got nothing to read but even books aren’t giving me pleasure much these days. If I see another puzzle book I will scream – I’m bored of painting – I can entertain myself no longer!

I feel like I am going to go mad – I feel like ripping my hair from my head.

I am so so sick of being alone. So so sick of having no one to talk to – days are bad enough but nights just drag on and on and bloody on – I have taken to sitting watching the clock tick round to bed time – watching each minute take an hour to tick by.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I had a long chat last night to one of my widow friends who reassured me that what I was feeling yesterday is normal – I know it is deep down but sometimes I just need to hear it.

Reading through the widows site its funny how many people hit a ‘2 year low’

Women and men just like me – writing word for word what I wrote – I was amazed at just how many people actually had the same thoughts as me.

I know half my problem is being stuck – no one has replied to any of the applications I’ve sent off – my CV can’t be that bad as I’ve had H & B & my bro working on it for me – it’s so disheartening and scary to think no one wants you – that sends me into a blind panic as I’ve no idea how else to make money. It’s not fair either – I didn’t choose to become K’s carer – it just happened. Now I’m facing a life of poverty for a decision that was made 17 years ago – hardly fair is it when I’ve got so much to offer.

I know it probably doesn’t come over on my blog but I am good with people – I like to talk but even a crappy old call centre hasn’t replied to my application – as I am writing this my heart is pounding through my chest at the thought of never having any money – it frightens me – oh why won’t someone give me a chance. A job will solve lots of my problems – I only need a chance.

I am feeling so down this morning so apologies in advance for a very depressive post.

I woke up this morning with a rush of panic – as I’ve done for a few weeks now.

First thought this morning as is the first thought every morning is “where’s the money coming from?”  Followed by “what is the point?”

So here I am sat in my bed looking out of my scruffy drafty window wondering why I am still here.

From my window I can see rows of glass roofed conservatories, and gardens over taken by massive trampolines – I can see the cars dashing up the road – all those people with a purpose – buses full of faces – people I’ll never know – people with lives.

It’s raining too which doesn’t help – but it wouldn’t matter if it was raining if only I could find a reason to go on.

My bedroom is a tip at the moment – what’s the point in tidying it – no one but me sees’s it. In one corner I’ve got a TV that I never dare put on for fear of making my bills even bigger. In the other corner are two towers of books – when K died reading was the only way I could help myself get to sleep – now books are a definite NO – the £5 I would have not thought twice about spending on one now pays for the cat food.

K’s side of the bed is empty and looking at it in broad day light breaks my heart – he should be in it. He should be there telling me its all going to be ok. He should be there smiling at me – I should be moaning at him that it’s time to get up – but I’ve not got a single reason to get out of bed this morning.

On my bedside cabinet – my old old cabinet – are my crystals – are they doing the job they are meant to? I don’t think so. I’ve got a tiny teddy that is supposed to smell like chocolate – does it? I don’t think so! I’ve got a candle on there that I have no reason to light – I’ve got pillow spray that is supposed to help me sleep – does it? I don’t think so.

The floor of my bedroom is covered in washing – washing I can’t be bothered to do – it doesn’t matter if I wear the same thing for days on end cos no one is here to see me.

On one of my walls I’ve got a lucky horse shoe – K bought me it, Lucky me? Huh that’s a joke. Above that is a welsh love spoon that K also bought me – LOVE? What is love? Who loves me? No one. Above that is a white feather with intertwining gold stands of ribbon – my mum sent me that when K died – its suppose to be my guardian angel – I don’t believe in angels cos if they were real and I had one surely it would help me?

On my widow sill I’ve got umpteen little tiny Buddha’s – each one is supposed to bring me different things – do they? Nope!

So then all that’s left in my room is me. Me who’s looking so hard for a reason to live. Me who can’t find a job no matter how hard I try. Me who searches for solutions from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Me who in reality doesn’t want much out of life. Me who still aches – me whose heart is still broken – me who jut can not see a point.

Yippeee I’ve just booked my first events photography job.

I have been asked to do a children’s birthday party – I know it probably doesn’t sound that exciting but its work – paid work and who knows where it might lead.

I know I’ve had a few jobs taking pictures of friends children but it’s never got me anywhere so hopefully with business cards in hand it might just be the start I’ve been trying to find for so long.

I’ve got to get a break sometime haven’t I?

I’m sinking again.

Fuck I hate these ups and downs.

All it took was a phone call from J to tell me that she has an official date with S on Friday night and my heart just sank and the big black cloud floated over my head.

I really am so happy for her – she is a special person – I’ve never met anyone as kind and thoughtful as her and she really does deserve to be happy. I just feel so out of it all. I’m the only one in our little group now who hasn’t had a date or a shag saying that I’m the only one in our group who doesn’t have any kind of social life outside of our meetings and meals!

I don’t want to grow old alone. I want to sound as excited and as happy as J did tonight- but all I can see is me growing old and grey by myself – endless nights of loneliness – as I say I’m sinking tonight!

Tidgy GD now weighing 4lb 5oz - still having a few breathing problems but she is doing OK

One of the very last things I did with K on the 12^th May 2006 was to sit outside a little tea hut in Filey and drank tea.

The sea fret was rolling in and it was cold and damp. He wasn’t feeling well so we finished the tea and headed home. Less than 10 hours later he was dead.

When J & I arrived in Filey on Saturday I held my breath as we walk past that little tea hut – I looked at the people sat out side like me and K had – they were huddled up against the freezing wind – making clouds with their breaths.

Not one of them – not even J knew how hard it was for me to walk by that hut. No one knew how I ached to see him still sat there with his daft smile – but no matter how hard I tried to see him he wasn’t there – then I realised I was staring at this man – I didn’t mean too – I saw him looking at me and he smiled at me – I wanted to tell him about that day – I wanted to say “hey do you realise almost 2 years ago my husband sat exactly where you are sitting now he’s dead” but his smile made me smile back in return & the spell was broken – I can go back now without the hurt inside and all it took was a smile – a small life changing smile.

We had a brilliant afternoon after that – we ate chips and hot donuts and walked & watched the young surfers – one of J’s children dropped a bucket into the sea and we followed it on its journey as the tide came in with force.

Whilst we were walking we saw the rescue helicopter it was up over the Brigg – so we decided to go back to the car and go up to the top of the brigg to see what it was doing – as we drove up the road we passed by some semi naked men – getting out of wet suits – so we turned round and drove back down – I had to tell J to speed up a bit cos she was only going about 3 miles an hour – more naked flesh – so we drove by for a third time – this time we caught sight of 3 of them in black boxers…………….hahaha!

That’s when I finally realised I am doing OK. I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time – yeah I’ve got to sort out employment but do you know my happiness is far more important than any amount of money or job!

I can’t live on fresh air but I am not – no way – going to make a job my life – I’m not going to be stressed out over looking and I am not going to stay anywhere I feel unhappy but one thing is for certain if I can cope with K’s death – the rest of life has got to get easier!!!!!

What a weekend.

We set off Friday lunch time – howling wind – pouring rain – traffic at a stand still on and off the whole way there. When we finally arrived I had the headache from hell.

It was FREEZING cold but hey that’s Scarborough in March for you.

The heating in the caravan wasn’t working so after a few phone calls this bearded man came to fix it. He fiddled around umming and arrrghing I don’t think he had a clue! So he made a few phone calls then we heard him say “ah fixed it”! He was stood with a grin a mile wide hmmmm!

Friday night we went into Scarborough I don’t honestly think I have ever been as cold as I was. The wind ripped through every layer of clothing I had on and believe me I had quiet a few layers.

We went into a café and paid £10 for fish, chips and pea’s and a coke………£10! Day light bloody robbery. The fish wasn’t even that good!

After that we drove over to the North bay where we sat and watched the wild sea – the waves were huge – I opened the window and breathed very deeply (for my little gran – she lived in Scarborough for many years and loved nothing better than the stormy nights) it was bracing but absolutely brilliant.

I love the sea – I adore the sea – I realised as I sat there I want to live by the sea – but I’d have to have a sea view and a bloody strong pair of binoculars!!!!

The sea makes me feel alive – it makes my blood pound in my ears – I want to store its energy in a bottle and every time I’m feeling down I could open it and feel alive again.

Anyway – we stayed in the caravan for the rest of the evening – oh my fucking goodness…..at one point we were ready to evacuate it – never in my life have I been that scared of the wind. The whole caravan was rocking from side to side the paper thin walls were bowing and the windows kept blowing in and then getting sucked back out again.

It truly was terrifying. We stood in the kitchen debating what to do and decided if it got any worse we’d head for the reception and stay there. We got into bed and it started to hail – noise was worse than the actual amount of hail but with the wind blowing it made a pretty horrendous noise!

We must have slept some of the night – but I kept looking out thinking if the aerial blows down we are out of here but it didn’t – I woke up again to another hail storm and that time decided to just get up – needless to say I am very tired – two nights without much sleep only serves to make me ratty as hell.

I will continue this tomorrow as I can hardly keep my blood shot eyes open!

I’ve had a good weekend – I managed to put a few ghosts to rest finally and I’ve realised quiet a lot about myself but that’s all for another day!

If there was ever a song that summed up how I was feeling right now it's this

Well I got up this morning feeling determined but as the day progressed the worse I’ve seemed to feel.

So what brought around my worstness?

Well first of all I had a phone call from J all excited – S (the widower) texted her and asked if he was ok to go around tonight. (Envy is not a nice trait – envy is not a nice trait)

Then I got a message of L on facebook saying her and S are going to a singles thing tomorrow night.

Then B shouted at me for no reason – can’t even remember what she said now it was so insignificant but it hurt at the time.

Then I got a email off C – she has arranged for a ‘medium’ to go to her house next week – she asked if I wanted to go. I replied “no thanks”

I suppose it must sound a bit odd coming from me – who would give anything to hear that K was ok – or that he said I should do this or that but to tell the truth I just can’t bring myself to even think about going – the whole idea totally freaks me out.

The very last time I ever went to a spiritualist was with a group of women from where I used to live.

We did it as a bit of a laugh but it all turned a bit serious when the woman who was giving the reading said to my friend that a “nasty man – an abusive man” had come to her and she wanted rid of him. A few weeks later we had our tarot cards read and she turned over the ‘death’ card – now I know it is meant to mean new beginnings but 1 year later that woman – my best friend Jayne died.

So that’s why I won’t go. My heart couldn’t stand it.

Anyway you’d think I’d be happy as I am going away tomorrow but I don’t.

H realised the problem this morning and she was really sweet with me – we are going away to where me & K spent his last day on earth. I’ve only been back once and that was on his anniversary last year – I threw a white rose into the sea – and I found my very first white feather. It was a sad day and I don’t know if I can move away from the sadness I now associate with the place! It’s hardly fair of me to spoil the weekend by being sad because of where I am – Me & K had such a wonderful day and one of the very last things he said to me before he died was “I’ve had a lovely day – a really lovely day” and he squeezed my hand.

Minutes later he was gone.

So I’ll have to be brave tomorrow and put on my ‘happy mask’ and hope against hope that I am doing the right thing.

Why is it that when you think things can’t get worse – they do?

The electric board want £234 off me……For fuck sake how can they get away with charging so much?

I wouldn’t care but I don’t have anything turned on or on stand by – I unplug everything that isn’t used. I’ve hardly had my heating on all winter – I go down to B’s cos I’m freezing and she will at least have her heating on.

I am trying desperately hard not to go down the root of putting my house up for sale but I can’t see any other way out of this mess.

Even with a job I won’t earn enough to pay for everything – I just don’t know which way to turn.

It’s not as if I could sell it over night – I’ve got to find £300 for a seller’s pack – that’s laughable – where can I get that sort of money from?

My car needs MOTing – I’ve got a £90 water bill sat on the table that needs paying – J is expecting me to go away with her but how can I do that when I need the money for other things? I know she isn’t expecting any money from me – but I can’t not give her any!

I just want to quietly crawl away until it’s all over. I can’t be cheerful anymore – I can’t keep going like this. It’s making me feel ill. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have a headache – I just feel so sick all the time – not eating properly not sleeping properly – just fretting over bloody money!

I keep willing them to ring me about this job but do you know what? It won’t even scratch the surface of what I need to keep everything going. I suppose that’s why I’ve not been motivated enough to look. What’s the bloody point in slogging my guts out for no reward?

I had such huge dreams before K died – our little photography studio – its not fair that I was left behind with nothing.

I said to B this morning – through gushing tears that little GS touched which made me even sadder – since he died the most expensive thing I’ve bought is a £30 cardigan at Christmas – the pittance that I had from his work has gone on food and bills & my mortgage. I used to buy clothes of Ebay but I can't even do that now!

I watch other widows who’ve had their mortgages paid off and huge lump sums left flying off on exotic holidays ‘to get over the loss’ I’ve been as far a London last March for a weekend and dog sat for my brother whilst he swanned off to Spain for a week last summer (that’s how I got to Brighton – my sister took me) – oh I almost forgot – my weekend in centreparcs – where I hardly spent a penny except £35 on a spa.

So I’ve not been extravagant – I’ve not done anything out of the ordinary – I’ve been trapped in a financial hell – I’ve only just recently felt like living again – but today I’m left thinking “what the fuck is the point?”

Reality consists of the experiences we believe are real.
What is real may or may not be the same for everyone

I’ve been on a mission (of sorts)

I’m now the proud owner of a Nokia N95 but I’ve really no idea how to use it!

H & I went off to the shopping centre last night and with seconds to spare before they closed the shop I chose that one because the didn’t have