I love days like today……

Gusty wind and rain – besides nice warm summer days these are my favourite

I wish I was up on the moors or walking along the beach – blowing the cobwebs out – I was tempted earlier to get in the car and drive up to Ilkley but I got side tracked and now I’ve not really got enough time.

I’m out tonight and tomorrow night and I am really looking forward to both nights as for the first time in ages they aren’t ‘widow’ meals.

I’m so excited at the thought of meeting new ‘single’ people who aren’t widows/widowers. Don’t get me wrong – once I’ve motivated myself into going I rather enjoy the ‘widow’ meals but it will be nice to break out of that circle and meet some new people.

Do you know – I keep saying it – if only I could a) find a job & b) sort out my finances I could put my hand on my heart and say I’m actually doing ok and feel happy most of the time. I’ve spent all week looking at jobs that look as dull as dish water but its going to be a case of beggars can’t be choosers if I don’t hurry up and find something!

I’ve always wanted a decent social life and it’s finally beginning to happen and I am really excited about that. I’m out twice next week too …….oh shit I’ve just realised I’m double booked on the 14^th…….oh now this is going to be a dilemma – family party or widows meal? Oh no! I want to do both – if A was going to 18^th party I’d go like a shot but R is going to be at the widow meal and I like him. Hmmmmm! I can’t fit in both either as they are miles apart! Guess I’ll have to get the dice out!

I didn’t realise how tired I was till I got in the bath last night – I struggled to keep my eyes open so I thought it safest to get out – I sat on my bed and the next thing I know H is shaking me saying “mum you alright” I’d fallen sound fast asleep – lights on – TV downstairs on – computer on ……

I came down to switch every thing off and have a cig and let the cats in – I was stood ringing Georges bell (the only way I can get him in) and turned to come in and he whooshed past me almost knocking me flying – in his mouth was a MASSIVE birds wing and part of the bird – blood everywhere! I was utterly mortified!

Had I stayed in bed and told H to go switch everything off I wouldn’t have witnessed that. It was totally disgusting!

I couldn’t sleep for ages after that – it was like an action replay was taking part every time I closed my bloody eyes!

Why do I own cats? I hate it when they bring me presents of dead mice and birds – I know it is their instinct to stalk and kill but I really wish it wasn’t.

As for the bloody arch angel Gabriel’s wing he brought in last night – fuck knows where he found that as it was twice the bloody size of him!

What a day.

I’ve been over to see Tidgy – I can’t believe how much she has grown. I mean she is still tiny but she looks longer somehow.

The palm of her hand is about the size of a 10p piece.

She has the most delicate long fingers – I just wanted to put my hand in her cot and see if she would wrap them around one of mine – but I couldn’t.

I felt so sad – thinking K should be here with us and there to see her.

My sister said “he is there” but it’s not the same…………..I can’t see his smile I can’t talk to him about her or my other beautiful grandbabies for that matter.

Little GS is copying everything you say at the moment – my favourite thing to say to him is “how are you” and he looks back and me and says “how are you” and nods. It makes me so happy yet so very sad. That stupid husband of mine is missing it all.

I feel so proud of them all – tiny GD is a little treasure – her smile is like sparkling diamonds to me – I love it when she’s been asleep and wakes up and I can go get her – her beaming little face makes me want to crumple into a heap of sobs every time I see it.

I truly am blessed to have them all in my life.

I just wish K was here to make our family complete again.

…

I got told tonight that my auntie is dying. I’m not sure whether to believe it or not as she has been on her way out since 1979 and she’s still going strong – but I worry because she has been in and out of hospital for the last few months and that’s what happened to K….I swear it wears them down. I just hope it’s another case of over exaggeration.

I just got an invite to my cousins daughters 18^th in march – I’d love to go but I’m not so happy thinking I’d be on my own so I am going to ask her to invite our Half cousin so he can keep me company – do you think that would be REALLY cheeky? I’m not ever sure I’d dare ask but I’d like to think I could.

I love A – and have since we were children – he loves me too – I’ve always known it – his sister confirmed it last time I saw her and everyone teases me about it – he just lives a long way away and since K died I’ve not really had an opportunity to see him – so maybe my cousin would ask him – just for me!!! Hmmm I have a whole farm yard of flying pigs tonight!!

Right I’m off – I need a bath – the hospital always makes me feel grubby I don’t know why!

I’ve been giving blogging some serious thought over the last few days after reading an article on the subject.

I’ve always kept a written diary – nothing to thought provoking or earth shattering – just my way of elevating the stress I was going through at the time.

K used to get ever so fed up of me and my diary because he used to have to wait half an hour before he came to bed after me so I had time to write it. I would hear him come up the stairs – a sound you could never miss as he had to drag himself up thanks to the lack of a stair lift – which two days after he died they finally came to fit!

Anyway – the night he died I stopped writing my diary. My last entry read

K died this morning at 3.40am

After a few weeks I started to write to him – just on word – nothing I wanted to share with anyone except him.

After a few months I started to wonder if anyone else felt like me – yeah there are web sites out there for widows but nothing hit home for me. No one I read about had gone through what I had before he died.

I was listening to the radio one day and they were talking about blogging – they were interviewing a woman who wrote a blog about her daily life and they were also talking to a man who read this woman’s blog.

I had never really thought about other people reading blogs – I’d just thought about writing them.

So I found myself a little blog home. The place I first wrote in went down hill as it was getting constantly bombarded with adverts & not many writers. I looked around for a long time before settling here.

Now I find myself questioning why I do it. At first I hoped that maybe I’d find other widows/widowers who understood my pain – I wrote for months (mainly on my other blog) how I was feeling day to day. However since moving here my life has changed – I’m not so desperately unhappy anymore – yep I have my days but they are fewer – so what do I write about now?

Should I continue to bore anyone who is good enough to read this with my day to day life? It’s not that interesting.

I don’t do news stories or politics – I’m not eco friendly (though I do recycle) I’m not religious so I never feel strongly compelled to write about thing like that.

Oh dear why do I go reading things – the article I  read said if you write a blog you should think about what you write (well I do that) and make it worthwhile people reading (well if people don’t want to read they don’t have to?) is it a sin to talk about your life in your blog? (I wouldn’t have thought so reading through the ones that I do)

Do blog entries have to be thought provoking? Do they have to be short? Do they have to have meaning encrypted within them?

And last but not least – titles?  Apparently they have to be as eye catching as an advert on TV as it is a way of advertising your ‘work’ (work?) to the rest of the world.

Fuck I’ll never get the hang of this blogging malarkey I am hard pushed to stay ‘on topic’ at the best of times never mind thinking up ‘eye catching’ titles that sum up the content of my entry in as fewer words as possible.

Does any of it make the blindest bit of difference as long as we all get something from writing our blogs?

I know it’s probably been covered 1 million billion times today but I need to write my account of the ‘Earthquake’

Ok so there I was lying in bed having just put my book down (I’m getting into it now and was hacked off that it was creeping up to 1am) and turned the radio on.

They were chattering on about kosher meat and was it fair to kill the animals in that way – then I heard this almighty rumble.

It had been really windy all day and at first I thought the wind had caught in the rafters – then I felt my bed move – holy shit did it ever move but my half awake brain thought it was probably the cat scratching on the end of the bed – then I realised there was no way the cat could scratch that hard – then I heard the empty coat hanger on my wardrobe moving – and I wondered if the rumble and coat hanger were because I’d trapped Stanley in the wardrobe – it wasn’t – I remembered putting him out.

 So there I was in the split 10 seconds that it took wondering if it was a poltergeist!

I know I’ve said I’d love for K to come back but I never imagined him and half of heaven would join him in making my bed move and wardrobe rattle! I was horrified and couldn't move for a few seconds - I truly believed they'd come to get me!!!

I got out of bed and headed towards H’s room – she looked terrified “what the fuck was that – did your bed shake mum”

She made me howl with laughter as she said she thought she was finally having the preeclamptic fit they had kept telling her she was going to have. Love her heart she looked so worried – she had actually been sat up in bed when it happened and her eyes went ‘blurry’

D who was on the landing at the time it happened wonder what the hell we were on about as he’d never felt a thing.

Well I’ve lived through my first earthquake with out K – so well done me haha!

Glad it wasn’t a ghost I’d have never dared go to bed again!

Back to reality with a bang!

Romance isn’t going to sort out my finances or get me a job or stop me from being angry with myself for not being more motivated to look after myself!

So much for saving my cig money to buy the picture I want for my bedroom – I’ve smoked like a fucking power station chimney pot over the last two days!

Why can’t I get a grip?

I just keep thinking that I need something more than worrying about getting a job in my life – but I also know if I got one more things would come into my life – swings and fucking roundabouts!

Sitting gawping at photos of unattainable fella’s on dating web sites is not the answer!

I sit here day in day out looking at list after list of jobs that sound so fucking dull and BORING – I want to do something that at least sounds a little interesting.

I met a friend of mine in town yesterday and even she agreed that I’ve got to do something I like the sound of – she knows me well and she knows I get bored very quickly – I still swear I’ve got ADHD! I need something that changes hour by hour else I get restless and fed up – that’s why I loved photography – every day it was different – every hour was different and that kept me going.

That’s why it is driving me mad now sitting here day in day out – there is only so much fannying around a girl can do in one day – I am sick to death of hoovering and cleaning the fucking windows.

I would so love this to happen to me.............

I've been thinking about romance today - ever since this morning and seeing that van.

I was never really wined and dined by K - it wasn't really 'his thing' so here is a sample of romantic things that i would like - that make me feeling in the mood for love .... oh how sad am I?

I would love to be here all snug and warm!

Not the best example but I'd like to be sat by this fire

Then go to bed in this bed.

Then wake up next morning to have a walk along here

Then to go back for breakfast

Then spend rest of the day somewhere new with this bed

Oh and I'd have to fit this into the day somewhere

Then I'd like to watch this sunset 

before going here for the night

Then back to here

for a glass of

Then back up here for a night of ......................................shagging haha!!!!!

I'm now beginning to wonder if I've a single romantic bone in my body

My usual Tuesday morning consists of a visit to our little towns market – there are hardly any stalls on it anymore but it gives me and B something to do.

I drive to her house then we walk into town – someone on her street is having an extension built on the back of their house and the workmen have been there for weeks – their bloody vans taking up the little bit of parking that there is!

Anyway this morning I drove down the street and there was a white van parked opposite where I was going to park. On the side of the van was a massive sign – it read – "Vickie Will you marry me” with a massive love heart. Guess what numpty ended up bawling her eyes out for five minutes?

How romantic. I’d love something like that haha! I’d love to have a secret admirer too.

I hope Vickie says yes – sad I’ll never get to find out isn’t it?

After cleaning my room out I lit a candle – a nice scented one – well you never know I might just get lucky and need to show someone up to my room (& how many flying pigs do you see?)

So there I was cooking dinner – only me eating a per usual – the steam was coming off the pan but I never thought any more of it until the smoke alarm set off screeching it’s little sound box out – I grabbed a tea towel and started to waft it – then I realised the upstairs one was going off too.

I couldn’t get it to stop so I grabbed the stool – I had to pick up the one with one leg shorter than the others didn’t I? So balanced as best I could I was pushing the red button in but still it wouldn’t switch off.

OMG then panic set in – I remember the bloody candle – what if I was wafting away thinking it was steam when in fact it was FIRE!

I belted hell for leather up the stairs and looked for anything that looked like smoke but couldn’t see anything – so I timidly opened the bedroom door – beautiful red candle burning away but not causing a fire so I grabbed a cushion off my bed and started to wave it frantically at the smoke detector on the stairs and finally I ended up screaming “Shut the fuck up” and guess what it did.

H doesn’t believe me but it did!

Tell you what though if my house had really been on fire no one would have come to my rescue ………….ho hum!

Oh no – guess who is feeling REALLY guilty now? Yep me! Why? The hamster I was moaning about the other day died in her sleep last night!

I watched sadly as H & D buried her in the garden in a tiny little box feeling ever so bad for complaining about her running round in her wheel!

RIP Little Fudge xx

As for the rest of the day – fuck I’m knackered!

I didn’t sleep too well last night – do you know sometimes I wish there was someone to ring in the middle of the night when I’m not feeling one bit tired but the rest of the world are tucked up in bed.

So with hardly any sleep I woke up about 7.30am – tried as hard as I could to get back to sleep but it was no use – so I was wide awake when H appeared asking if I could take her down to the doctors. Her BP is a little on the low side now so he has told her to cut down on one of her tablets.

Then she says “can we go to the shopping centre we’ve not been in almost a month” So off we went.

I never bought anything but came home to cosmically order £300 as that was the amount I spent in my head!

Then we came back to town and had a wander round – still never bought anything – but I am cutting down on the cigs this week cos there is a picture I want for my bedroom and a throw for my bed so if I save my cig money by Saturday I can have them – no I don’t smoke that much they aren’t that expensive!

Then we went to the graveyard – 3 new graves since the last time I went! So sad!

Then home to make sausage sandwiches – I saw a Sainsbury’s advert with that Jamie dude making pork sausage sarnies with tomato and chilli sauce with watercress – yummm though I hate the stalks on watercress & I am really not very fond of sausage either but I gave it a try and it was very nice.

Then I went to see B and the babies – tiny GD was asleep but little GS was very much wide awake and colouring – I am so happy he’s a leftie.

Then I came home and changed my sheets and sorted my bedroom out.

I used to have this picture (the artists name has escaped me) it shows a little old man and a little old women wandering down a street with an umbrella – K bought me if because when ever we went to the mill (where it was on sale) I would always say “hey there’s you and me when were old and grey.” Over the past few weeks it has been making me feel really sad when I look at it so today I took it down. I’ve replaced it with a guardian angel my mum sent me.

We’re not going to grow old and grey together anymore

Then after a spring clean – jeepers josh sticks don’t half make a mess when they burn down – I took a book to the women who said “we should baby-sit’ it’s a book about loss and it really helped me so I thought I’d be a good girl and pass it on to someone who needs it more than I do now.

After that I sat here with a cig a glass of coke and a bag of crisps!

Now I’ve got to go peel the spuds ……… boring!

Just a quick update on Tidgy GD

She is now weighing in at 2lb 4oz.

She was off the oxygen and breathing for herself for 3 hours today.

They’ve said when she can breathe on her own for over 2 hours over a few days with no problems they will bring her back to our local hospital.

H & D are getting to hold her more often and the do her ‘cares’

D is back to work tomorrow so I’ve said I will take her over one day during the week – I got the feeling she doesn’t want me too as she said D would only take her back after work.

I can’t wait till she is nearer so I can go and see her more often. I want a hold, a cuddle off my newest grandbaby.

It feels really weird being a grannie when I could technically still have children of my own.

I’d have had more children if k hadn’t been diabetic – he got it in his head that one of them could be too so a few months before H was born he went for the chop!

 I’d have loved 4 children but it wasn’t too be.

I’m waffling again!

Good night xxxxx

I went to bed early last night – bored and fed up!

I turned on the radio and 5 live (my old faithfully) blasted out.

The presenter of the show was talking to a man called Roger.

Roger was blind – his wife had died – he lived in a village that didn’t have a regular bus route – he never got out of the house and was contemplating taking his own life.

I listened for half an hour as people phoned in and offered him all kinds of help – but you could hear in his voice that he was only playing lip service to the offers that were flooding in – which made me think of myself.

Then a ‘life coach’ phoned in offering to go and see him because he reckoned this guy was blocking out offers of help and he wanted him to understand why he was doing it.

That got me to thinking – what is stopping me? Ok so I’m not blind and I can drive – so what actually stops me getting in my car and going off for the day? What stops me joining an organization like SPICE or any other thing – do I really feel I’ve nothing to offer or nothing to contribute? That doesn’t really make sense because I joined the group for widows and I organize nights out for us and talk to people and go out – even when I don’t want to. So what stops me joining in other things?

Why can’t I get over the hurdle of going out by myself? I so want to go to the sea – so why can’t I just get in the bloody car and go? Why can’t I sit in a café in town by myself? Why am I avoiding doing things lots of other people do all the time?

Is it that I fear the thought that people – who probably don’t give a shit – are thinking “aww look at that sad old cow all alone?”

It’s strange when I think about it because if I think of all the people I now know – only 1 of them goes out on her own. So what makes her have the confidence to do it and me not?

Have I got some warped old fashioned ideas? Why do I worry what people 'might' think of me. Do I really feel that bad about myself to worry that people would think “no wonder she’s on her own?”

The biggest thing is – I just miss having company – there seems no point going out on my own – who have I got to talk to about it? Who is there to enjoy the day with me? I didn’t ask to be widowed – I didn’t ask to be alone – I hate driving alone – I miss having someone sat besides me chattering – pointing things out. See I believe this all stems from being with K 24/7 – he was always there – where ever I went he went – or he would have been stuck in the house 24/7.

Oh how can I change it all? Will I wake up one morning and all these feeling will have gone or am I going to be carrying this around forever – and never venturing further than the shops by myself?

Does it in reality just boil down to the fact that I am totally skint? Having to watch every single penny I spend doesn’t help matters – I can’t just fill up the car with petrol to go out on a jolly jaunt – I can’t stop over in a hotel in Manchester like L does when she goes out on these singles evenings – I’ve been rummaging around the house looking for things to sell at a car boot so I can get some spending money together for Easter – I’ve never even been to a car boot sale – I’ve only ever seen them on telly but I doubt my few bits and bobs have any value.

Sometimes I think if K wasn’t already dead – I’d kill him for leaving me like this!

Isn't it sad when you've got 3 different e mail accounts and not one single email in any of them - not even junk

I'm becoming bloody 'billyett no mails' now never mind bloody 'billy no mates! '

My shoulder and neck feel like they’ve been kicked by a horse!

I was ok when I woke up but after 10 minutes in town with B and the Babies it started to hurt now I can hardly turn my head!

I wouldn’t care but I’ve got loads to do today.

My kitten – well he’s almost 10 months old now – won’t stop peeing around my patio – it’s turned the grass orange. He peed on my sofa the other day and this morning I discovered he’s been peeing behind it too.

I’ve tried EVERYTHING I can think of to stop him but nothing is working.

The only bloody advice I can find on the net is how to house train them INSIDE!

They are cats – they are meant to go outside!

So I’m giving up buying anymore sprays and or pellet things and I am going to go to the camping shop after dinner and buy some tent pegs and put some chicken wire down outside where he goes – he’ll only hurt his feet once is what I keep thinking. I’ve just no other ideas at all.

I don’t know if I’ll be in this house in the summer but if I am it is going to be terribly unpleasant sitting out there so I’ve got to find a way to stop him.

Cat’s home is my next option!

Do you know this is going to turn into a whinge about pets!

H bought a rabbit – she bought him a cage and a cover – a thermal cover for temperatures down to -100 (exaggerating here a little but still) so where is the rabbit? In the bloody garage – does she remember it’s there? NO! so who feeds it and gives it water? ME! I’ve just been in there and it fucking stinks so when she gets home she’s got a job to do. The garage is jam packed with crap – boxes that they’ve thrown out and expect ME to take to the tip!

Then there’s the hamster who runs round on his bloody wheel ALL night – I don’t know how they can sleep though that bloody racket!

Then there is my other cat Stanley who thinks I am his slave – letting him in and out – out and in all night bloody long! He won’t eat any cat food that contains fish – and sits looking at you every time you open the fridge door – I offered him a tomato but he just looked at me disgustedly!

My old cat Jack thinks my bed is for the taking once I’m out of it. I hate him being on it as he has cat crumbs on him (I guess they are bits of grit and bloody grime) so I really have to remember to close the door else I end up in bed with bits of the bloody street and field in my bed!

Then there’s the fish! They have a special diet and when I’m left in charge I can’t remember whether they need prawns or flakes of pellets – the noise those tanks make is unbearable some nights!

I want a flat on the 10^th floor and a landlord that says “NO PETS”

My mum says my life would be dull without them – I say “whose she kidding”

I realised tonight I’ve come a long way since K died.

Ok so I’ve not got the elusive job yet – but I remember going out for one for the very first meals I ever went on with the widows group I joined – even that was a big step back then – and I was absolutely adamant that I would never want anyone else in my life – no one could ever fill K’s shoes – I said at the time I could never put myself through another relationship – now look at me I’m saying the exact opposite. 

I remember thinking that I wouldn’t live the year out – I’d die of a broken heart but I didn’t I am still here holding my heart together with extra strong Elastoplasts and string  but holding it together is ok for now. 

Yes I would love some male company but I’ve realised it’s not the be all and end all to my life after all I don’t want to relinquish my control over the TV remote. 

As I sat tonight talking to the lady who said “we should baby-sit for the younger ones” I felt her negativity seeping into my bones – did I feel like her at the 9 month mark? I rang my sister when I got back and she said I went through a dark patch round about then. 

But the dark patches are less frequent now and although it might not seem like it sometimes I do feel a lot more positive about my future – the only thing I need to sort out is a job.

Talking tonight we (me & J) said that you get to a point of acceptance – and it is true – nothing we can do can change the fact our husbands died – no amount of bargaining with an unseen force can do anything to bring them back – so one way or another we’ve just got to get on and make our lives our own – tough as that is sometimes.

We were discussing how it feels like we’ve had 2 lives – this one now and our previous one – of course we’d all go back to our old lives in a flash but we can’t have them back – and things wouldn’t be the same even if we could.

So do I still feel the sane now as I did at 9 months the answer is a very definite NO!

OK I’ll be the first to admit some days I miss him so much I just can’t see a point to carrying on – but when that day is over and a new one begins I have to find my inner strength and get on with it.

After 24 years of marriage I can’t say that there are things that I don’t miss because I miss everything – but new things have taken place of old and new things will continue to come into my life – new people, new places, new experiences and at this moment in time I am actually looking forward to them & I don’t now think that it is wrong to feel like that – which I did for a very long time.

So here’s to the next 6 months – wonder what I’ll be thinking and feeling then?

Blimey where does a week go?

I’m out tonight – just going to J’s for take away but I’d rather be doing that than spending another night tearing out my hair – I’m going to be bald at this bloody rate.

That’s the worst thing at the moment – the boredom, and worst still the desire just to be hugged.

I am sick of getting into that big bed all alone – I used to talk and talk till K would fall asleep and now I’ve got no one to talk to – so I read but I’ve read 3 books in the past 3 weeks and even they’ve bored me to tears.

I know only I can do something about it and moaning on isn’t getting me anywhere but I’d give anything to see a tiny light at the end of this big dark tunnel. To see a smiling face on the pillow next to mine – to wake up to a cup of coffee at my bedside – just to have some company.

My gran used to say she hated it on a night when she closed the curtains as she was shutting out the only bit of world she could see – in those days I was rushing around taking my girls here and there – looking after K and I often wondered how she could feel like that – never thought I’d find out but I have.

Talking of looking after K – I realised today that when I am talking about him to people I never ever mention what it was like to be a carer. One of the widowers we met recently was a carer for his wife (he is coming tonight which is why I was thinking about it) but I never mentioned the fact that I was K’s carer. Why not? It took up such a huge part of my life and was a really big issue when he died – so why don’t I talk about it?

Right I’m out of here, I’m doing some tumble drying for B (her dryer is on the blink) and as a treat and because I’ve nothing better to do I am going to iron it for her.