parallel universe

Nothing feels exciting anymore

http://www.earthcam.com/uk/england/london/?cam=leicester_wmv

I want to be one of these people - I want to feel ALIVE!

Sometimes I wonder about myself - I really bloody do.

I visit an old lady - she is lovely and I’ve seen her on and off for over a year.

I’ve visited her more often recently and just about every time I’ve been there so has her nephew.

He’s very tall and actually very good looking - dark hair - dark eyes and he really has got a lovely smile - trouble is - oh how do I put this politically correctly - he’s a bit dim!

So why the fuck am I flirting with him? Answer me that one?

He’s flirting right back too. Telling me really stupid jokes that aren’t funny but I find myself laughing at them just to amuse him!

I would shag him in an instant - there’s just something there - until he opens his mouth and then I think “Katie what the fuck are you doing?”

I’ve got to stop this nonsense don’t I?

Flirting with these men is just not me - or is it? Is it the emergence of a new me?

K was so clever - he truly was - so what the hell is attracting me to neanderthal man & is it ok to flirt with more than one person at once?

My 3 year old Grandson told me last night I was an 'old lady'!

An 89 year old man this morning told me I was a 'beautiful buxom YOUNG woman' and was surprised that I didn't have a boyfriend.......!

WTF?

I feel so sick.

I've felt like this every morning this week.

I just DO NOT want to do my job another day longer.

Oh god what do I do?

I had a can of coke in my pocket and as I came upstairs it caught on the child gate and started to fizz out - trouble is my phone was in my pocket and now it won't work!

A few weeks ago my sister in law asked my mum if she had any photos of my brother who will be 40 in December.

As she was looking for photos of him she found one of me and K.

She rang me up and asked if she could send it as she didn’t want to upset me by posting it out of the blue.

I told her it was ok to send it - and she did - I received it this morning.

To say it’s made me sad is an understatement.

There we were together at my Grans house - we look so young - and I suppose we were - I could have only been 19 when that photo was taken.

K looked so handsome - his unruly blonde hair - his beautiful blue eyes - his ripped designer jeans!

I miss him so very much.

I wouldn’t care but a really odd thing happened this morning before I received the photo - H went outside for a cig and when she came in she made me jump and for a fleeting second I thought “oh good that’s K back” I cried my eyes out when I told H - who had asked me what the matter was.

I don’t know why I am so stupid as to think anyone but K would fancy me or love me - why do I put myself through the trauma of actually wishing men would ask me out - or want to be with me.

I don’t know …..

B had to have their dog put to sleep today.

It's made me really sad.

She was an old dog and she couldn't hear or see or walk

She was as much a part of the family as anyone - when Little J and M came to give me a hug she was never far behind.

I looked after her when they went on holiday - I'm going to miss that old dog.

RIP Tikka xxxxx

I really like V!

I took him off my facebook cos he was seeing someone & B told me too cos she doesn't like him - but she doesn't like anyone!

Anyway now he's not seeing her & I don't know what to do!

I'm not a 'make it obvious person' or a 'first move' person - oh why am I kidding myself?

I can't afford one so I don't know why I'm bothering writing this - however - I am sick of waking up cold in this bloody massive bed - wish I had a smaller one but then is that really giving up on the idea that I'd share my bed with someone one day?