• Life!

    I can't help writing this

    I WANT A LIFE!

    I want more than I've got - SO MUCH MORE!

    I am DREADING tommorow at work - I HATE working weekends - I want to be home enjoying my life with my daughters and grandbabies - I want to sit up late at night - I used to be FREE - well after a fashion - K was ill but at least I could get up when I wanted - go to bed when I wanted - do what I wanted (his health providing) when I wanted.

    I WANT THAT BACK!

    I just want a LIFE that isn't taken up working 12 hours a day .......why aren't my prayers enough?

  • oh well!

    I’m dealing with yet another abuse case at work and it breaks my heart.

    I can’t seem to leave it behind - I come home and worry - then I can’t sleep - I wish I could just switch off sometimes but then I wouldn’t be the person I am would I?

    I need an outlet for it but because of confidentiality I can’t write about it - my managers listen after a fashion but I never feel supported - they sort of send me in and expect me just to get on with sorting it out - but I feel like I need to talk & there is no one there.

    Oh well.

    I realised today that although I still hate my job - more than words can say - I actually not bad at what I do haha!

    Wonder if K would be proud of me? I’ve stuck it out against all odds and I’m certainly trusted to sort things out when they go wrong - often I get calls saying “can you do …..in the morning they’ve asked for you” That’s good isn’t it?

    I’d swap jobs in a millisecond if I could - why can’t I just like something that I’m not to bad at?

  • Silence is a text easy to misread

    I must be a really horrid person - I get ignored all the time.

    What is it with me?

    It makes me so sad - other people get loads of comments on here or on facebook but me ?

    No one ever mails me or texts me - except my mum and my sister - what kind of person must I really be?

    I just feel like a 'nothing' someone who is here but isn't ....it's getting me down - the only people I speak to during the day are my old folks and my girls - it makes me cry sometimes - wish I knew what I was doing so wrong to be so badly ignored :(

  • The aftermath

    I went to lunch - it was very strange to be in the company of those ladies again & it was hard to know what to think about the whole Sean & J situation.

    I felt awkward as they discussed all the things they had been up to whilst I’ve not been there but do you know what I couldn’t have cared less!

    I phoned C when I got back and told her - I am just so glad that I am not a part of it anymore.

    I realised I missed J more than I thought and I am going to keep in better touch with her - but as for the rest of them - widowhood is NOT a strong enough reason for me to stay in touch with them.

    I said to C I think I have finally ‘moved on’ I’m no longer Katie the Widow - I’m just Katie whose husband died and I am trying hard to make the best of a horrid situation - I can’t live in the past - or associate with people just because we were widowed young!

    Oh I know I grump and groan whilst writing my blog but I do feel better - I do feel stronger - I am coping after a fashion - I get up early and come home from my grotty job just like everyone else - I don’t need a label anymore.

    Yes I miss K all the time - yes I still wish he was here - yes there are still times I wish he would walk through the door but I don’t feel the same pain as I did 3 years ago or even 1 year ago - yes sometimes I feel my life is pointless and wonder why I am still here and of course I would love lots of things to be different but I don’t need the widows in my life - that wouldn’t help one tiny bit.

    One thing I did learn yesterday was that they all use dating web sites and they have been with so many men over the past year - I was sat thinking as they were talking - yes I’d like someone in my life BUT it’s not that important to me it really isn’t - yeah I’ve caught myself ‘liking’ other men and flirting after a fashion but it’s just a bit of fun in my boring day to day life - its not something I need to keep me going.

    I’d be a lair if I said I never wanted another man in my life - but it really isn’t that bigger deal that I don’t.

    So all in all I am glad I went it helped me lay that chapter of my life to rest - onwards and upwards with the occasional downward spiral - but I don’t need others grief in my life as mean as that sounds!

  • Feeling very miffed!

    I am going out to lunch today with my old friend J and a few other widows that I have long since lost touch with - not sure if it’s the right thing to do though.

    A couple of days ago J texted me asking if I’d meet up before Christmas - I said that I would - thinking that it would be weeks away and I could change my mind.

    I didn’t have an excuse when she said would this Suinday be ok and then she went on to say all these other people wanted to come - made me feel like it had already been arranged and I was just an after thought.

    Also it came out in conversation that they had all fallen out with Kath - she was the main reason I back away from the group - so I felt as though they were only asking me because they knew she wouldn’t be there.

    They had met up lots of times without me preferring to be in K’s company. They knew I wouldn’t go if she was there - now all of a sudden she’s not and I’m invited back.

    I told Sean about this and he wrote me this mail - I so want to copy and paste it on here but I better not - he went on and on about J - how she was the ‘hub’ of everything - the chief motivator - people would follow her for miles - blah fucking blah!

    He said they all realised what I had said about Kath was right all along …..

    However then he launched into this stinging attack on me saying that I had drained J of all her energy and that she moved away to save herself and her children - he said I had just taken and taken from her & she couldn’t cope with me??????????

    OK so I read this and re-read it many times -

    Chief motivator? I used to organise things for us all to do all the time before he came on the scene! We had some fantastic nights out and days here and there My mate C used to have us all round for Sunday dinner - the only thing J ever did was have a ‘couples’ evening which excluded me and hurt me.

    Zapping her energy? How dare he say that - J’s husband was murdered and I swear as god is my witness I was there for her as much as I could be - she’d cry on my shoulder - she’d run idea’s by me - she’d talk and talk and talk - how many times did I go up to her house late at night to sit with her - how many walks in the park did I take with her?

    I don’t burden people with my problems - I write in my blog. I’ve written a blog since a few weeks after K died preferring to write it all down so’s not to trouble anyone. Even before K died I never ever burdened anyone with my woes - often wish I’d known about blogging then!!!

    I’d go shopping with J - but do you know most of all I listened to her - I did - I know I did.

    He said she had to stop putting ‘effort’ into our friendship because I ‘needed’ her not ‘wanted’ her????

    What the fuck - it was me who stopped putting effort in when they chose to be in Kath’s company - I decided to back away - I even bet if I looked hard enough I could find blog entries saying so.

    He did say ‘these are my thoughts but please don’t repeat them’ but where did these thoughts come from? Did she tell him all these things? Maybe she did so she didn’t look bad?

    I haven’t a clue what the truth is and I don’t really want to go out to lunch now as all these things will be running round my mind.

    I want to confront J and ask her if she said these things and if so WHY?

    I gave my support to J freely - never asking for anything in return and Sean’s words have really hurt me - my mum and my girls are furious with him as for the last few days I’ve been sliding down the slippery slope of self doubt all over again!

    Did I burden J?

    I phone C and asked her if she had ever felt like that - as I opened up more to C than I ever did J - she said not to be so silly and even if I had shared my feelings with her that’s what the self help group was about - we were supposed to be there for each other and that’s what I thought I had been.

    So I’ve woken up feeling sick and worried - I want to cancel lunch but then I want to go just to see what is said.

    I feel pissed off enough that Kath is ousted and I’m returned without all these other things running through my head.

    This is a one off - I will hold me tongue - but I’ll never do it again - how can I when J had to move away to escape me? I thought she went because her husbands murdered was released from prison???????

  • windy weather

    I love this weather - makes me want to be up on the moors in a really old haunted house :) or by the sea watching the mighty waves crash to shore.

    This sort of weather makes me feel alive - I love the wind and the rain - I know it's heart breaking for those who are flooded and I am truly sorry that this should happen but I can't help myself I just want to sit up all night listening to the wind howling and watch the rain against my windows!

  • Tired!

    I am so so tired of living this half life.

    Nothing absloutely nothing is the way I dream it could/should be.

    I'm tired of dreaming - tired of trying - just so tired!

  • Ziltch!

    Nothing feels exciting anymore :(

  • “I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.” Vincent van Gogh!

    http://www.earthcam.com/uk/england/london/?cam=leicester_wmv

    I want to be one of these people - I want to feel ALIVE!

  • neanderthal man

    Sometimes I wonder about myself - I really bloody do.

    I visit an old lady - she is lovely and I’ve seen her on and off for over a year.

    I’ve visited her more often recently and just about every time I’ve been there so has her nephew.

    He’s very tall and actually very good looking - dark hair - dark eyes and he really has got a lovely smile - trouble is - oh how do I put this politically correctly - he’s a bit dim!

    So why the fuck am I flirting with him? Answer me that one?

    He’s flirting right back too. Telling me really stupid jokes that aren’t funny but I find myself laughing at them just to amuse him!

    I would shag him in an instant - there’s just something there - until he opens his mouth and then I think “Katie what the fuck are you doing?”

    I’ve got to stop this nonsense don’t I?

    Flirting with these men is just not me - or is it? Is it the emergence of a new me?

    K was so clever - he truly was - so what the hell is attracting me to neanderthal man & is it ok to flirt with more than one person at once?

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