• chances!

    This may be a bad example but here goes:

    One morning a lady from a little village in Scotland got up and ended up traveling to - was it Glasgow? And ended up coming second in ‘Britain’s got Talent’ What made her do it?

    So often you hear of people being in the wrong place at the wrong time - I want to be in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time.

    My bank balance is so bad today I really don’t know how I am going to survive over the next month or two until I get my overdraft down - I’m getting charges left right and centre and I just don’t know how to gain control without starving and not paying my bills.

    No one but no one could say I live an extravagant life style - I can barely afford to eat at the best of times - however now even the cash machine won’t let me have any money. I’ve not got any debts as such I manage to pay my direct debits - my mortgage and my bills but there is never anything left so I’ve been living on my over draft but not anymore - fuck knows what I am going to do - anything that goes in the bank is getting swallowed up before I even see it. It’s making me a nervous wreck - I’ve not had as many panic attacks in years - I’m trying to ignore them but they are just getting worse by the day.

    So with all that said when is it going to be my time to be in the right place at the right time and have my life alter for the better over night?

  • Not Amused!

    For fuck sake - I've had 4 hours sleep and I'm at work in 1 hour!

    What the fuck was the police helicopter doing flying so low it could have touched my roof at this time in the fucking morning!

    According to B there were 7 explosions before the helicopter arrived.

    Wonder what's happened all I can see is thick black smoke!

  • OmG I so need a life!

    I was just about to switch off my computer when in my head I heard myself say

    "Goodnight world"

    Fuck I need a life if I am thinking the internet is now my world!

    "It's Timmy it's timmy he's a little lamb with a lot to learn...tra la la la la..........."

    Night World!

  • Cbeebies!

    If I sing "it's Timmy - it's Timmy - he's a little lamb with a lot to learn" Just one more time..............................

    I love Timmy though - and he is learning bless his little bleating heart.

    I so love the video toooooo

  • this that and the other!

    I'm slowly getting there with work.

    First off they want me to apply for a supervisors job - no how no way it ain't going to happen but I was flattered to be asked.

    Secondly one of the women who works with us is apperently leaving - so I got straight on the phone this morning and asked for her round - I've been doing it every Tuesday now for months so I know everyone - I've been told I can have it until she comes back (she's on the sick) I also asked for different hours - hours that suit me rather than them and they said that if she doesn't come back they will sort it all out for me!

    I'm not holding my breathe or counting my chicks but until I find something else it would be great to have something permanant and hours that suit me. I'm so sick of 10 hour days - I'm so tired all the time.

    Other than that - I went out for a meal with my neighbour R on Monday - it was lovely and I didn't pay a thing cos she treated me for my birthday - which was really kind of her.

    I told her all about K's sister being at the grave - she said I had to forget ever bumping into her - but it's too late - the bitch from hell managed to drag up too much stuff that I'd left behind and thanks to her I've been feeling really down.

    I just want to be less tired and start having fun in my life again. I worry more now since K died than I did when he was alive - different kinds of worry but worry none the less.

    I want me back!

  • My dad

    According to my mum my dad has said ‘he wishes someone would take care of me and let me be myself again’

    How strange is that when I only realised myself this weekend that I’m not me anymore?

  • Yesterday!

    My mum and dad came to visit at the weekend.

    It was lovely to have them here - I really enjoyed it.

    That was until yesterday afternoon!

    I went with them to put some flowers on K’s grave and when we got there I noticed 3 women at his grave.
    At first I never thought much about it - quiet often you find people looking at other gravestones so at first I wasn’t particularly fazed.

    As I got out of the car I noticed that one of these women were bending down in front of the headstone and she was shovelling soil!

    I thought “what the fuck is she doing?”

    Then with a pounding heart I realised who it was. It was his bitch from hell sister. The one who caused all the trouble after he died.

    My initial thought was to kill her - but then I thought - I’m better than that - and she was probably expecting me to react like that.

    So me and my mum stayed by the car as my dad wandered off to get some water for the flowers.

    I kept saying to my mum “what ever she is planting will be dug straight back up” I knew what it was - poppy seeds! She had tried to give me them at the funeral but I wouldn’t take them from her!

    She finished her planting and started to walk towards me - my mum grabbed my arm - but it was then that I realised I'm not the same person as I was - I’ve got no fight left in me - & by this point it was like I’d switched off.

    She said to me “Katie how are you”

    I turned to look and see where my dad was and noticed him walking back to K’s grave - so I just said “what the hell do you care how I am - you’ve not spoken to me for 3 years” and walked over to my dad. He told me to stay calm but I was.

    I heard her talking to my mum but I just got on putting my flowers in the pot, chatting to my dad.

    She came back over and flung her rotten little arms around me and said “sorry” so I launched into how disgusted I was that they had ignored us blah bloody blah - I told her about H and her supposed cousin and how she had been told by the cousin that she was no longer a member of the family - how that H had been told that from the day K died they wanted nothing more to do with us…I told her about the blog entry calling us bitches and that we had no right to have him buried. I said “This is the reason he is buried - so I can come here when ever I want if he’s been cremated and scattered over a mountain in Wales - like they wanted - I would never have been able to give him flowers or go talk to him when things get tough!"

    Unbeknown to me my mum and told a little white lie and said we still go down almost every day - well I go down once every 2 weeks so it’s not that much of a fib.

    She just kept saying that I already knew how weird his family were and that most of them hadn’t spoken to each other in the 3 years since he died.

    I went on about how my ex mother in law said H had turned his funeral into a ‘chimpanzees tea party’ she said she didn’t know that she had said that - but then she said we all say things in grief! So I said “exactly yet you all jumped on H for shouting back at you when you had all harassed her over a flipping limo!”
    She just nodded her head!

    I said to her “have you any idea what we all went through? H saw him die in front of her eyes - none of you thought about that you just all wanted it your own way!”

    She said she was “sorry” again but again it was just empty words.

    To round off she said she would be in touch and that my ex father in law had - and I love this bit “expressed a wish to see his granddaughters and great grandchildren” I’ll leave that up to H & B - as far as I’m concerned it’s all over now. I never want to see any of them again.

    Sounds like the ex father in law is on his last legs but as for the mad bitch ex mother in law - she is the one that stopped him from making contact with us apparently!

    Oh this has dragged up so much I thought I’d well and truly left behind.

    Now I’m going to get ready for my night out with my neighbour before starting back at work tomorrow and that is a tale for another day.

  • realization!

    I am just not the person I was.

    I want the old me back but I'm never going to be that person again and that is really really sad.

  • Not!

    One day I'd love to write

    "I'm happy"

    ho hum!

  • A trip to the moon

    I was in the supermarket today - watching families do their shopping and it got me thinking.

    It’s almost the school holidays - I used to love the holidays - the day my kids broke up was always one of the happiest of the year.

    6 whole weeks of fun and we did have fun.

    We’d pack up the tent or borrow the in laws caravan and head off to Wales.

    We never had much money but we always managed to make the most of what we had.

    Oh I miss those days.

    I wonder now what it’s like to go abroad in the heat of the summer - what does it feel like to wander into warm sea? What does it feel like to eat outdoors in a foreign country - visit local shops - enjoy a different culture - drink wine on a balcony over looking the sea or a pool - what does it feel like to go to late night bars - to walk hand in hand with some one down quaint little streets?

    I want more than anything to experience a proper holiday.

    I want to go to bed as the sun rises.

    I want more than anything to do what other people don’t think twice about - I feel I may as well be asking for a trip to the moon ………………………When will I ever have enough money?

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