I am going out to lunch today with my old friend J and a few other widows that I have long since lost touch with - not sure if it’s the right thing to do though.
A couple of days ago J texted me asking if I’d meet up before Christmas - I said that I would - thinking that it would be weeks away and I could change my mind.
I didn’t have an excuse when she said would this Suinday be ok and then she went on to say all these other people wanted to come - made me feel like it had already been arranged and I was just an after thought.
Also it came out in conversation that they had all fallen out with Kath - she was the main reason I back away from the group - so I felt as though they were only asking me because they knew she wouldn’t be there.
They had met up lots of times without me preferring to be in K’s company. They knew I wouldn’t go if she was there - now all of a sudden she’s not and I’m invited back.
I told Sean about this and he wrote me this mail - I so want to copy and paste it on here but I better not - he went on and on about J - how she was the ‘hub’ of everything - the chief motivator - people would follow her for miles - blah fucking blah!
He said they all realised what I had said about Kath was right all along …..
However then he launched into this stinging attack on me saying that I had drained J of all her energy and that she moved away to save herself and her children - he said I had just taken and taken from her & she couldn’t cope with me??????????
OK so I read this and re-read it many times -
Chief motivator? I used to organise things for us all to do all the time before he came on the scene! We had some fantastic nights out and days here and there My mate C used to have us all round for Sunday dinner - the only thing J ever did was have a ‘couples’ evening which excluded me and hurt me.
Zapping her energy? How dare he say that - J’s husband was murdered and I swear as god is my witness I was there for her as much as I could be - she’d cry on my shoulder - she’d run idea’s by me - she’d talk and talk and talk - how many times did I go up to her house late at night to sit with her - how many walks in the park did I take with her?
I don’t burden people with my problems - I write in my blog. I’ve written a blog since a few weeks after K died preferring to write it all down so’s not to trouble anyone. Even before K died I never ever burdened anyone with my woes - often wish I’d known about blogging then!!!
I’d go shopping with J - but do you know most of all I listened to her - I did - I know I did.
He said she had to stop putting ‘effort’ into our friendship because I ‘needed’ her not ‘wanted’ her????
What the fuck - it was me who stopped putting effort in when they chose to be in Kath’s company - I decided to back away - I even bet if I looked hard enough I could find blog entries saying so.
He did say ‘these are my thoughts but please don’t repeat them’ but where did these thoughts come from? Did she tell him all these things? Maybe she did so she didn’t look bad?
I haven’t a clue what the truth is and I don’t really want to go out to lunch now as all these things will be running round my mind.
I want to confront J and ask her if she said these things and if so WHY?
I gave my support to J freely - never asking for anything in return and Sean’s words have really hurt me - my mum and my girls are furious with him as for the last few days I’ve been sliding down the slippery slope of self doubt all over again!
Did I burden J?
I phone C and asked her if she had ever felt like that - as I opened up more to C than I ever did J - she said not to be so silly and even if I had shared my feelings with her that’s what the self help group was about - we were supposed to be there for each other and that’s what I thought I had been.
So I’ve woken up feeling sick and worried - I want to cancel lunch but then I want to go just to see what is said.
I feel pissed off enough that Kath is ousted and I’m returned without all these other things running through my head.
This is a one off - I will hold me tongue - but I’ll never do it again - how can I when J had to move away to escape me? I thought she went because her husbands murdered was released from prison???????
or by the sea watching the mighty waves crash to shore.
