parallel universe

nothing

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-24 – 11:06:18

I didn't sleep last night.

J rang me to tell me she has put an offer in on a house and it has been accepted, she hopes to have moved by the 2nd week of September as it is a cash buy!

I discovered that our house prices have fallen by £20,000!

I now feel more trapped than ever.

Yes I will miss J but to be honest at the moment I am more worried about ME!

£20,000 - what the fuck.

So all my hopes of selling up are dashed and I am in real termoil - at least I had the hope that I could if I wanted to sell this house - now I've got nothing to hold on to.

Do you know as dramtic as this will sound I felt around my ribs today wondering what it would feel like to put a knife through my heart.

I can't do this anymore. I've nothing to hold on to and it's unbearable
Options:
Jobs and other things............

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-23 – 17:54:00

I’m just back from the post box sending yet another application form off.

Thankfully I listen to Radio 5 live and have discovered this week I am not the only person in this situation – so here’s hoping I don’t get yet another rejection letter.

This time I’ve applied for a ‘home carers’ job – it is by no stretch of the imagination what I want to be doing but I’ve got to find something to tide me over.

I NEVER EVER wanted to care of another living soul after K died but then I thought about all those little old people who like me might never see a friendly face all week – so maybe for selfish reasons I applied – I need the company as much as they do, plus I know I can do it – 15 years of caring for K must count for something!

Fingers crossed AGAIN!

If only I can get a job I can get a loan to get my car fixed trouble is for £500 you end up paying back almost £1,000 I don’t want to get in debt but I need my car.

I’ve decided once I’ve got a job I am going to start concentrating on my love life – or lack of it – 2 years and 2 months is way too long to go – I’ve said a billion times before I don’t want a relationship but I do want someone in my life.

I don’t mind being alone but I have got to the point where I don’t want to get into my bed alone anymore! I’m bored there if nothing else!!!!!

If the truth be known I’d rather have K back any day than worry about meeting someone new but that is never going to happen and I need someone grown up to talk to – my grandchildren are wonderful but conversations about ‘baby milk and Thomas the tank’ are getting tiresome!
Options:
why

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-22 – 17:30:20

Why does he have to be married?
Options:
excited

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-22 – 13:54:19

I’ve had a really long heart to heart with H.

She wants to move out but doesn’t want to leave me.

I want her to move out so I can try and sell this old house and start afresh – to do that I need to get a job & the house on the market.

I think it’s exciting.

Trouble is if I move I’ll never see Mr OTR again and that would be really sad.

He’s home alone at the mo – think Mrs Trunchbull is away with the kids – you’d think that would answer my prayers and I’d be happy but I’m not cos he’s obviously on nights this week!

To think of him home alone in his bed all day makes my little heart flutter!

Oh well.

Least I got to see him semi naked last week haha!

Right got to get on job applying – someone will want me one day (she says with no conviction at all)
Options:
Alone again.....................naturally

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-21 – 10:39:44

What a horrible weekend I’ve had.

Friday night I went to J’s for a curry – which sounded fun as we had a blast the last time we did it but oh NO!
I came back feeling fucking suicidal. One of the women she invited cried the whole time we were there. I could have got up and come home but I didn’t feel it right to leave everyone.
I know grief overwhelms you only too well but I also know that sometimes no matter what you have to hide the tears & heartache. Just wish she’d been able to as it made for an awful night!

Ho bloody hum!

Saturday wasn’t much better – I’m getting cabin fever really bad but I’ve no way of getting out – all our big shops are miles away & having no car means I can’t get there. So when I talked to my mum later in the day I felt sick listening to the places she had been and the things she had done.

Ho bloody hum.

Sunday – well where to begin?

J is moving away. She has found a house and she is going.

The bastard that killed her husband is being released in November having served 2 years and 5 months.
She was asked last week about an ‘exclusion zone’ she wanted miles and miles however she had to agree to just around our street.

It’s so fucking wrong.

He shouldn’t be out of prison, never mind able to wander the streets where she could see him.

So she is moving – I’ve known for ages that she was looking but I never thought she would really go. I cried my eyes out last night. My buddie is leaving me. I totally understand but from my selfish point of view I don’t want her to go.

Then I discovered C my other good pal is moving! She is off to Lincolnshire as soon as her boyfriend sells his house.

Gutted is not a good enough word to say how I am feeling right now.

Then if that wasn’t bad enough I talked to my sister who took great delight in telling me her holiday plans. My mum & dad are going to dog sit for my brother whilst he goes away then they are dog sitting for my sister whilst she goes then they are going away.

Do you know it’s over 5 years since I had a proper holiday and with no job in sight I’m not likely to get one ever again.

I am so sick of ‘rejection letters’ it’s soul destroying!

So woe is me & all I can think is ‘it’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to’ but really I am so going to miss J and C – they’ve helped me during the worst time of my life and for that I will always be truly thankful and very grateful but what the fuck will I do with out their support?
Options:
....................

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-19 – 23:40:48

I am so fed up.

I want K back - more than anything in the world. I miss him so much - its sure as fuck ain't getting any easier in fact it gets harder with every passing day.

I just can't get out of my head that this was going to be "our time" we'd brought up our girls and we were so looking forward to life without them.

I just want him back!
Options:
On Hold

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-17 – 13:24:51

Do I need to sell the house?

Someone raised the issue of selling up and starting afresh which once again got me thinking. I’m not happy here (as everyone knows by now) but would I only be moving me and my sadness to a new house?

It’s not the best time to think about selling and I can’t in all consciousness leave H & D and Tidgy homeless but I know deep in my heart I don’t want to be here.

I’ve changed everything except my bed and still I see him everywhere. It’s not comforting it’s heartbreaking.

I keep telling myself once I get a job I’ll feel differently but will I? I guess I’ve got to wait to find out.

Is it wrong to want to have my “own” place?

I know I wouldn’t be sad leaving my house – the thought of living somewhere else makes me feel excited. Oh I don’t know. I’m stuck for now I suppose so I’ve just got to get on with it but if just one of my wishes could come true it would be to find somewhere else to live.

Why does my life always seem to be on hold?
Options:
Finally my top 5 reggae

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-16 – 15:45:34

Tunes:

All very commerical but they are my favourites

NO:5

I love this

NO:4

NO:3

NO:2

And finally my ultimate favourite. I so wish I could go back in time as if I'd been thinking straight at the time I would have had this played at K's funeral.

So NO:1 is for my K - with all my love.
Options:
thinking up titles does my head in!

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-13 – 13:36:35

What a beautiful day – got the patio door open and the music turned up loud. I’m listing to some reggae compilation CD – Bobs next.

No ones home yippppppeeeeeeeeee & I am making the very most of it.

By the way thank you everyone who sent me birthday wishes. I did have a lovely day – kind of bitter sweet but I did enjoy it.

I couldn’t get my head around it being my 3^rd birthday without K. Dunno why but it seemed to hit me hard.

Guess it made me realise I’m now in my 3^rd year without him. Something else I’ve realised this last week is I just can’t open myself up to anyone anymore – I’m so frightened of hurting again – I’m cutting off everyone little by little and I’ve got to stop it. I just can’t stand the thought of getting close then losing anyone – not just men I mean my girlie friends too. J keeps talking about moving away so I know I can’t get close as one day she won’t be here – self preservation – I’d rather be alone for ever than ever be hurt again.

Anyway today I took little GS to the new park they’ve just made down the road – he had a wonderful time – he can climb up the slide! OMG! I was amazed – he’s only just over 2 but there he was climbing up it. I managed to get some brilliant photos of him. He’s so cute & extremely photogenic – love his little heart.

How can I let him into my heart but no one else?
Options:
Bulls and horns!

by katie1159 @ 2008-07-10 – 15:15:52

I’ve taken a big bull by his horns and applied to become a registered child minder today – by the beginning of November I will be able to have my first children.

H is going to do the course with me so we can share the job – it will make more sense as she doesn’t want to go back to work.

I am also in cahoots with a friend who is going on a short course to learn to read tarot cards over the phone (£350pw) she is coming to see me in the next few days to tell me all about it.
Hopefully the course won’t cost a fortune (if it does I’ve had it) and hopefully it won’t take that long!

So I need something to tide me over for the next 3-4 months. I am going to the job centre on Monday (booked an appointment) I’m not telling them it will only be for 3-4 months.

This is a start – it’s not path I imagined I would be travelling along but method in my madness says that with the ‘credit crunch’ hitting and recession being talked about lots more mums might have to go back to work – it could work the opposite way in that they might not be able to go to work but there are very few child minders in my area now so it’s worth a try.

I probably don’t sound like the kind of person to become a child minder but I think I’d make a good one.

Fingers crossed I can now find something to tide me over.
Options:

Widgets

nothing by katie1159 on Thursday, 24. July, 2008
Jobs and other things............ by katie1159 on Wednesday, 23. July, 2008
why by katie1159 on Tuesday, 22. July, 2008
excited by katie1159 on Tuesday, 22. July, 2008
Alone again.....................naturally by katie1159 on Monday, 21. July, 2008
.................... by katie1159 on Saturday, 19. July, 2008
On Hold by katie1159 on Thursday, 17. July, 2008
Finally my top 5 reggae by katie1159 on Wednesday, 16. July, 2008
thinking up titles does my head in! by katie1159 on Sunday, 13. July, 2008
Bulls and horns! by katie1159 on Thursday, 10. July, 2008
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